The Countess fanned herself desperately. 'Well, I think we're all getting a little bit overexcited,' she said. 'I think we should all settle down and have a nice cup of... a nice... of tea... a cup of...'

'We're vampires!' Lacrimosa shouted.

'Then let's act like them!' screamed the Count.

Agnes opened her eyes, kicked up, and the man with the hammer and stake lost all interest in vampires and in consciousness as well.

'Whsz-' Agnes removed from her mouth what was, this time, a fig. 'Can you get it into your stupid heads that I'm not a vampire? And this isn't a lemon. It's a fig. And I'd watch that bloke with the stake. He's altogether too keen on it. I reckon there's some psychology there-'

'I wouldn't have let him use it,' said Piotr, close by her ear. 'But you did act very odd and then you just collapsed. So we thought we'd better see what woke up.'

He stood up. The citizens of Escrow stood watching among the trees, their faces gaunt in the flickering torchlight.

'It's all right, she's still not one,' he said. There was some general relaxation.

You really have changed, said Perdita.

'You're not affected?' said Agnes. She felt as if she was on the end of a string with someone jerking the other end.

No. I'm the bit of you that watches, remember?

'What?' said Piotr.

'I really, really hope this wears off,' said Agnes. 'I keep tripping over my own feet! I'm walking wrong! My whole body feels wrong!'

'Er... can we go on to the castle?' said Piotr.

'She's already there,' said Agnes. 'I don't know how, but-'

She stopped and looked at the worried faces, and for a moment she found herself thinking in the way Granny Weatherwax thought.

'Yes,' she said, more slowly. 'I reckon... I mean, I think we ought to get there right away. People have to kill their own vampires.'

Nanny hurried down the steps again.

'I told you!' she said. 'That's Esme Weatherwax down there, that is. I told you! I knew she was just biding her timel Hah, I'd like to see the bloodsucker who could put one over on her!'

'I wouldn't,' said Igor, fervently.

Nanny stepped over a vampire who hadn't noticed, in the shadows, a cunning combination of a tripwire, a heavy weight and a stake, and opened a door into the courtyard.

'Coo-ee, Esme!'

Granny Weatherwax pushed Oats away and stepped forward.

'Is the baby all right?' she said.

'Magrat and Es... young Esme are locked up in the crypt. It's a very strong door,' said Nanny.

'And Thcrapth ith guarding them,' said Igor. 'He'th a wonderful guard dog.'

Granny raised her eyebrows and looked Igor up and down.

'I don't think I know this... these gentlemen,' she said.

'Oh, this is Igor,' said Nanny. 'A man of many parts.'

'So it seems,' said Granny.

Nanny glared at Mightily Oats. 'What did you bring him for?' she said.

'Couldn't seem to shake him off,' said Granny.

'I always try hiding behind the sofa, myself,' said Nanny. Oats looked away.

There was a scream from somewhere on the battlements. The phoenix had spotted another vampire.

'All over now bar sweeping up the dust, then,' said Nanny. 'They didn't seem very smart-'

'The Count's still here,' said Granny flatly.

'Oh, I vote we just set fire to the place and go home,' said Nanny. 'It's not as though he'll be coming back to Lancre in a hurry-'

'There'th a crowd coming,' said Igor.

'I can't hear anything,' said Nanny.

'I've got very good ear'th,' said Igor.

'Ah, well, of course some of us don't get to choose,' said Nanny.

There was a clattering of footsteps across the bridge and people were suddenly swarming over the rubble.

'Isn't that Agnes?' said Nanny. Normally there'd be no mistaking the figure advancing across the courtyard, but there was something about the walk, the way every foot thudded down as though the boots were not on speaking terms with the earth. And the arms, too, swung in a way-

'I can't be having with this!' Agnes shouted, marching up to Granny. 'I can't think straight. It's you, isn't it?'

Granny reached out and touched the wounds on her neck.

'Ah, I see,' she said. 'One of them bit you, yes?'

'Yes! And somehow you spoke to me!'

'Not me. That was something in your blood talkin', I reckon,' said Granny. 'Who're all these people? Why's that man trying to set fire to the wall? Don't he know stone don't burn?'

'Oh, that's Claude, he's a bit single minded. Just let me know if he picks up a stake, will you? Look, they're from Escrow, it's a town not far away... The Magpyrs treated them like... well... pets. Farm animals! Just like they were trying to do back home!'

'We ain't leaving until we've dealt with the Count,' said Granny. 'Otherwise he'll be sneaking back-'

'Er, excuse me,' said Oats, who seemed to have been thinking about something. 'Excuse me, but did someone mention that the Queen was locked up in the crypt?'

'Safe as houses,' said Nanny. 'Huge thick door and you can bar it from the inside.'

'How safe are houses from vampires?' said Oats.

Granny's head turned sharply. 'What do you mean?'

Oats took a step backwards.

'Ah, I know what he means,' said Nanny. 'It's all right, we're not daft, she won't open up until she knows it's us-'

'I meant, how does the door stop vampires?'

'Stop them? It's a door.'

'So... they can't turn themselves into some sort of mist, then?' said Oats, frying in the joint radiation of their stares. 'Only I thought that vampires could, you see. I thought everyone knew that who knows anything about vampires...'

Granny turned on Igor. 'D'you know anything about this?'

Igor's mouth opened and shut a few times.

'The old Count never did anything like that,' he said.

'Yes,' said Nanny, 'But he played fair.'

There was a rising howl from the depths of the castle, cut off suddenly.

'That was Thcrapth!' said Igor, breaking into a run.

'Thcraapthhh?' said Agnes, wrinkling her brow. Nanny grabbed her arm and dragged her after Igor.

Granny swayed a little. Her eyes had an unfocused look.

Oats glanced at her, made up his mind, staggered rather theatrically and sprawled in the dust.

Granny blinked, shook her head and glared down at him.

'Hah! All too much for you, eh?' she said hoarsely.

Trembling fingers reached down for Oats. He took them, taking care not to pull, and stood up.

'If you could just give me a hand,' he said, as her grateful weight hit his shoulder.

'Right,' said Granny. 'Now let's find the kitchens.'

'Huh? What do we want with the kitchens?'

'After a night like this we could all do with a cup of tea,' said Granny.

Magrat leaned against the door as a second thump rattled the bolts. Beside her, Scraps started to growl. Perhaps it was something to do with his extensive surgery, but Scraps growled in half a dozen different pitches all at once.

Then there was silence, which was even more terrifying than the thumping.

A faint noise made her look down. A green smoke was pouring through the keyhole.

It was thick, and had an oily quality...

She darted across the room and snatched up a jar that had contained lemons so sportingly provided by the mysterious old Count that Igor thought so highly of. She wrenched off the lid and held it under the keyhole. When the smoke had filled it up she dropped a few cloves

of garlic in and slammed the lid back on.

The jar rocked urgently on the floor.

Then Magrat glanced at the lid of the well. When she lifted it up she heard rushing water a long way below. Well, that was likely, wasn't it? There must be lots of underground rivers in the mountains.