‘You know a lot about our city for a dwarf from Uberwald, I must say.’

‘No, love, I know a lot about Uberwald for a boy from Lobbin Clout,’ said Pepe smoothly. ‘Old Cheese Alley, to be precise. Local lad, me. Wasn’t always a dwarf, you know. I just joined.’

‘What? Can you do that?’

‘Well, it’s not like they advertised. But yeah, if you know the right people. And Madame knew the right people, ha, knew quite a lot about the right people. It wasn’t hard. I’ve got to believe in a few things, there’s a few observances, and of course I have to keep off the old booze—’ He smiled as her glance pinned the glass in his hand, and went on: ‘Too quick, love, I was going to add “when I’m working”, and good job too. It doesn’t matter if you are shoring up the mine roof or riveting a bodice, being a piss artist is bloody stupid. And the moral of all this is, you have to grab life or drop back into the crab bucket.’

‘Oh yes, that’s all very well to say,’ Glenda snapped, wondering what crabs had got to do with anything. ‘But in real life people have responsibilities. We don’t have shiny jobs with lots of money, but they are real jobs doing things that people need! I’d be ashamed of myself, selling boots at four hundred dollars a go, which only rich people can afford. What’s the point of that?’

‘Well, you must admit that it makes rich people less rich,’ said the chocolate voice of Madame behind her. Like many large people, she could move as quietly as the balloon she resembled. ‘That’s a good start, isn’t it? And it goes to wages for the miners and the smiths. It all goes around, they tell me.’

She sat down heavily on a packing case, glass in hand. ‘Well, we’ve got most of them out now,’ she said, fumbling in her capacious breastplate with her spare hand and pulling out a thick wad of paper.

‘The big names want to be in on this and everyone wants it exclusively and we’re going to need another forge. Tomorrow I’ll go and see the bank.’ She paused to dip into her metal bodice again. ‘As a dwarf I was raised in the faith that gold is the one true currency,’ she said, counting out some crisp notes, ‘but I have to admit this stuff is a lot warmer. That’s fifty dollars for Juliet, twenty-five from me and twenty-five from the champagne, which is feeling happy. Juliet said to give it to you to look after.’

‘Miss Glenda thinks that we’ll lead her treasure into a lifetime of worthless sin and depravity,’ said Pepe.

‘Well, that’s a thought,’ said Madame, ‘but I can’t remember when I last had some depravity.’

‘Tuesday,’ said Pepe.

‘A whole box of chocolates is not depraved. Besides, you slid out the card between the layers, which confused me. I did not intend to eat the bottom layer. I did not want the bottom layer. It was practically assault.’

Pepe coughed. ‘We’re scaring the normal lady, love.’

Madame smiled. ‘Glenda, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking we’re a couple of louche evil clowns who booze away in a world of smoke and mirrors. Well, that’s fairly accurate right now, but today was the end of a year’s hard work, you see.’

And you bicker like an old married couple, Glenda thought. Her head was aching. She’d tried a rat fruit, that was the trouble, she was sure of it.

‘In the morning I’m going to show these orders to the manager of the Royal Bank and ask him for a lot of money. If he trusts us, can you? We need Juliet. She just… sparkles.’

And you two are holding hands. Tightly. Something soft snapped inside Glenda.

‘All right, look,’ she said. ‘It’s like this. Jools is going to come back home with me tonight, to get her head straight. Tomorrow… well, we’ll see.’

‘We can’t ask for more than that. Can we?’ said Madame, patting Glenda on the knee. ‘You know, Juliet thinks the world of you. She said she’d need you to say yes. She was telling all the society ladies about your pies.’

‘She’s been talking to society ladies?’ said Glenda in astonishment laced with trepidation and tinted with wonder.

‘Certainly. They all wanted a close look at the micromail, and she just chatted away, cheery as you like. I don’t think anyone ever said “Wotcher!” to them in their lives before.’

‘Oh no! I’m sorry!’

‘Why be? They were rather taken by it. And apparently you can bake pickled onions into a pie so that they stay crunchy?’

‘She told them that?’

‘Oh, yes. I gather that they all intend to get their cooks to try it out.’

‘Hah. They’ll never find the way!’ said Glenda with satisfaction.

‘So Jools says.’

‘We… generally call her Juliet,’ said Glenda.

‘She told us to call her Jools,’ said Madame. ‘Is there a problem?’

‘Well, er, not really a problem,’ Glenda began wretchedly.

‘That’s good, then,’ said Madame, who clearly knew when not to notice subtleties. ‘Now let’s prise her away from her new friends, and you can see to it that she gets a good night’s sleep.’

There was laughter, and the girls helping with the show streamed out into the clammy place that was the midwife to beauty. Juliet was among them, and with the loudest laugh. She broke away when she saw Glenda and gave her another hug. ‘Oh, Glendy, isn’t this great? It’s like a fairy story!’

‘Yes, well, it might be,’ said Glenda, ‘but they don’t all have happy endings. Just you remember you have a good job now, with prospects and regular leftovers to take home. That’s not to be lightly thrown away.’

‘No, it should be hurled with great force,’ said Pepe. ‘I mean, what is this? Emberella? The wand has been waved, the court is cheering, a score of handsome princes are waiting to sign up for just a sniff of her slipper, and you want her to go back to work making pumpkins?’

He looked at their blank faces. ‘All right, perhaps that came out a little confused, but surely you can follow the seam? This is a big chance! As big as it gets. A way out of the bucket!’

‘I think we’ll go home now,’ said Glenda primly. ‘Come along, Jools.’

‘See,’ said Pepe, when they had gone, ‘it’s a crab bucket.’

Madame peered into a bottle to see if, against all probability, one glassful yet remained. ‘Did you know she more or less raised the kid? Jools will do what she says.’

‘What a waste,’ said Pepe. ‘Don’t take the world by storm, stay here and make pies? You think that’s a life?’

‘Someone has to make pies,’ Madame said, with an infuriating calm reasonableness.

‘Oh, pur-lease! Not her. Let it not be her. And for leftovers? Oh no!’

Madame picked up another empty bottle. She knew it was empty because it was in the vicinity of Pepe at the end of a long day, but she examined it anyway because thirst springs eternal.

‘Hmm. It might not come to that,’ she said. ‘I have a feeling that Miss Glenda is just about to start thinking. There’s a powerful mind behind that rather sad cloak and those awful shoes. Today might be its lucky day.’

Ridcully strode through the corridors of Unseen University with his robes flapping confidently behind him. He had a big stride and Ponder had to run in a semi-crabwise fashion to keep up with him, his clipboard clutched protectively to his chest. ‘You know we did agree that it wasn’t to be used for purposes other than pure research, Archchancellor. You actually signed the edict.’

‘Did I? I don’t remember that, Stibbons.’

‘I remember it most distinctly, sir. It was just after the case of Mister Floribunda.’

‘Which one was he?’ said Ridcully, still striding purposefully ahead.

‘He was the one who felt a little peckish and asked the Cabinet for a bacon sandwich to see what would happen.’

‘I thought that anything taken out of the Cabinet had to be returned in 14.14 hours recurring?’

‘Yes, sir. That is the case, but the Cabinet appears to have strange rules that we do not fully understand. In any case, Mister Floribunda’s defence was that he thought the fourteen-hour rule didn’t apply to bacon sandwiches. Nor did he tell anybody and so the students on his floor were only alerted when they heard the screams some fourteen hours later.’