‘Okay, right, if you are an orc, right, then why are you not tearing my head off?’ said Bledlow Nobbs (no relation).

‘Would you like me to?’ said Nutt.

‘Well, as it happens, no!’

‘Who cares?’ said Trev. ‘It’s all ancient history anyway. These days you see vampires hangin’ around all over the place. An’ we’ve got trolls and golems and zombies and all kinds of people just graftin’ away. Who cares what ’appened ’undreds of years ago?’

‘Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute,’ said the butler. ‘He’s not tearing your head off ’cos he’s chained down.’

‘So, why did you get us to chain you down?’ said Glenda.

‘So I wouldn’t tear off anybody’s head. I suspected the truth, although I didn’t know what it was that I suspected. At least, I think it works like that.’

‘So that means you can’t escape and tear us all limb from limb,’ said Bledlow Nobbs (no relation). ‘No offence meant, but does this mean you won’t be training us?’

‘I am sorry,’ said Nutt, ‘but as you can see, I’m rather inconvenienced.’

‘Have you all gone loony?’ Astonishingly, this came from Juliet, standing in the corridor. ‘He’s Nutt. He potters around making candles and stuff. I see ’im around all the time and ’e’s never ’olding someone else’s leg or head. And ’e likes his football, too!’

Glenda thought she could actually hear Trev’s heartbeat. She hurried over to the girl. ‘I told you to go,’ she hissed.

‘I’ve come back to tell Trev about everythin’. After all, he did write such a lovely poem.’

‘She’s got a point,’ said a man in a butcher’s apron. ‘I’ve seen him running around everywhere and I’ve never seen him carrying any limbs.’

‘That’s true,’ said the baker. ‘And anyway, didn’t he do all those lovely candles at the banquet last night? That doesn’t sound very orc-like to me.’

‘And,’ said Bledlow Nobbs (no relation), ‘he was training us yesterday and he never once said, “Get in there, lads, and tear their ’eads off”.’

‘Oh, yes,’ said the butler, who was making no friends as far as Glenda was concerned. ‘Humans don’t tear off heads, not like orcs.’

An ‘Awk! Awk!’ echoed in the distance.

‘He’s been teaching us kinds of stuff you’d never think about,’ said the bledlow, ‘like playing the game with a blindfold on. Amazing stuff. More like filosopy than football, but damn good stuff.’

‘Tactical thinking and combat analysis is part of the orc make-up,’ said Nutt.

‘See! No one who uses make-up is going to tear your head off, right?’

‘Didn’t you meet my ex-wife?’ said the baker.

‘Well, I’d draw the line if you wore make-up,’ said the butcher to general amusement. ‘Being an orc is one thing, but we don’t want a funny one.’

Glenda looked down at Nutt. He was crying.

‘My friends, I thank you for your trust in me,’ he said.

‘Well, you know, you’re like part of the team,’ said Bledlow Nobbs (no relation), whose smile almost managed to conceal his nervousness.

‘Thank you, Mister Nobbs, that means a lot to me,’ said Nutt, standing up.

That was quite a complex movement.

It stayed in Glenda’s mind for ever afterwards as a kind of slow-motion scene of bursting chains and cracking wood when Nutt stood up as though he had been restrained by cobwebs. Pieces of chain spun off and hit the wall. Padlocks broke. As for the couch, barely one piece remained attached to another. It dropped to the floor as so much firewood.

‘RUN FOR IT, LADS!’

You would have needed some kind of special micrometer to work out which man said it first, but the stampede along the corridor was swift and over very quickly.

‘You know,’ said Trev, after a few moments’ silence, ‘at one point I thought this was all goin’ very well.’

‘Those women,’ said Glenda, ‘what were they?’

Nutt stood forlornly in the wreckage; a length of chain slithered off him like a serpent and landed on the flagstones. ‘Them?’ he said. ‘They are the Little Sisters of Perpetual Velocity. They come from Ephebe. I think the name for their species is Furies. I think Ladyship sent them in case I tried to hurt anybody.’ The words came out without emphasis or emotion.

‘But you haven’t hurt anyone,’ said Glenda.

‘But they ran away,’ said Nutt, ‘because of what I am.’

‘Well, you know, they’re ordinary people,’ said Glenda. ‘They’re—’

‘Twits,’ said Trev.

Nutt turned and walked down the opposite corridor, kicking off the remnants of wood and chain. ‘But the world is full of ordinary people.’

‘You can’t just let ’im go like that,’ said Juliet. ‘You just can’t. Look at ’im! ’e looks like ’e’s been kicked.’

‘I’m ’is boss, that’s my job,’ said Trev.

Glenda caught Trev by the arm. ‘No, I’ll sort this out. Now, you listen to me, Trev Likely, under all that gab, you’re a decent sort, so I’ll tell you this: see Juliet over there? You know her, she works in the kitchens. You wrote her a lovely poem, didn’t you? Ever heard of Emberella? Everyone’s heard of Emberella. Well, you might not be my first choice for Prince Charming, but there’s probably plenty worse.’

‘What the hell are you talkin’ about?’ said Trev.

‘Juliet’s going to be leaving soon, isn’t that right, Jools?’

Juliet’s face was a picture. ‘Well, er—’

‘And that’s because she’s been that girl in the papers.’

‘What, the shiny dwarf one? With a beard?’

‘That’s her!’ said Glenda. ‘She’s going to go off with the circus, well, you know what I mean. With the fashion show, at least.’

‘But she hasn’t got a beard,’ said Trev.

Blushing, Juliet delved into her apron and to Glenda’s surprise produced the beard. ‘They let me keep it,’ she said, with a nervous giggle.

‘Right,’ said Glenda. ‘You say you love him. Trev, I don’t know whether you love her or not, time to make up your mind. You’re both grown up, well, strictly speaking, and so you better sort yourselves out, ’cos I don’t see any fairy godmothers around. As for Mister Nutt, he hasn’t got anyone.’

‘She’s gonna leave the city?’ said Trev, realization dawning slowly through a male mind.

‘Oh, yes. For quite a long time, I suspect,’ said Glenda.

She watched his face carefully. You haven’t got much learning and you haven’t opened a book in your life, Trevor Likely, but you are smart and you must know there is a wrong way and a right way to reply to what I have just told you.

She watched the high-speed changes around his eyes as he thought, and then he said, ‘Well, that’s nice. It’s the kind of thing she’s always dreamed of. I’m very happy for her.’

You cunning bastard, you actually got it right, Glenda thought. You’re not appearing to be thinking about yourself at all, ’cos you know I’d have no time for you if you were. And who knows, you might just be genuine. In fact, heavens help me, I think you are, but I’d pull all my own teeth out rather than tell you.

‘She likes you, you like her and I’ve made a lot of silly mistakes. The two of you, sort out what you want to do. And now, if I were you I’d run, before anyone else beats you to it. And can I offer you a word of advice, Trev? Don’t be smart, be clever.’

Trev took Glenda by the shoulders and kissed her on both cheeks. ‘Was that smart or clever?’

‘Get away with you, Trev Likely!’ she said, pushing him away, in the hope that he wouldn’t notice her blush. ‘And now I’m going to see where Mister Nutt has gone.’

‘I know where he’s gone,’ said Trev.

‘I thought I just told you two to go off and live happily ever after,’ said Glenda.

‘You won’t find ’im without me,’ said Trev. ‘I’m sorry, Glenda, but we like him too.’

‘Do you think we should tell somebody?’ said Juliet.

‘And what will they do?’ Glenda snapped. ‘It’ll just be like that lot back there. All hanging around in the hope that somebody will come up with an idea. Anyway,’ she added, ‘I’m sure the wizards upstairs know all about him. Oh yes, I bet they do.’