‘I bet it was bloody Ottomy that told them,’ growled Glenda. ‘What have they done?’

‘Well, of course, you know there was all that trouble over the Medusa in the Watch a little while ago,’ Ponder began.

‘Yes, but you wizards sorted that out,’ said Trev.

‘But no one likes being turned into stone, even if it’s just for half an hour.’ Ponder sighed. ‘The Times has done one of their thoughtful pieces. I suppose it isn’t too bad. It quoted the Archchancellor, who says that Mister Nutt is a hardworking member of the university staff and there have been no incidents of anyone’s leg being torn off.’

‘They put it like that?’ said Glenda, wide-eyed.

‘Oh, you know the sort of thing if you read the papers a lot,’ said Ponder. ‘I seriously think they think that it’s their job to calm people down by first of all explaining why they should be overexcited and very worried.’

‘Oh, yes, I know they do that,’ said Glenda. ‘How would people get worried if they weren’t told how to be?’

‘Well, it wasn’t all that bad,’ said Ponder, ‘but a few of the other papers have picked it up as well and some of the facts have become… elastic. The Inquirer said Nutt is training the football team.’

‘That’s true,’ said Glenda.

‘Well, actually it’s me. I am merely delegating the task to him. I hope that’s understood? Anyway, they did a cartoon about it.’

Glenda put a hand over her eyes. She hated cartoons in newspapers. ‘Was it a football team of orcs?’ she said.

Ponder’s look was almost admiring. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘And they did an article about raising important questions about Vetinari’s open-door policy, while saying at the same time that rumours that Mister Nutt had to be chained down were quite likely false.’

‘What about the Tanty Bugle?’ said Glenda. ‘They never write anything unless it’s got blood and horrible murder in it.’ She paused and then added, ‘Or pictures of girls without their vests on.’

‘Oh, yes,’ said Ponder. ‘They did a rather grainy picture of a young lady with enormous melons.’

‘D’you mean—’ Trev began.

‘No, they were just enormous melons. The green ones. Slightly warty. She won a contest for growing them, apparently, but in the caption it said that she’s worried that she won’t be able to sleep easily in her bed now that orcs are coming into the city.’

‘Is Lord Vetinari doing anything about this?’

‘I haven’t heard,’ said Ponder. ‘Oh, and Bu-bubble want to interview Mister Nutt. What they call a lifestyle piece.’ He said the words as if trying to hold them at arm’s length.

‘Have people turned up for training?’ said Nutt calmly.

‘Oh, yes. The ground is heaving.’

‘So we’ll go and train them,’ said Nutt. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t twist anybody’s head off.’

‘No, don’t make jokes,’ said Glenda. ‘I think this could be terribly bad.’

‘We know something’s going on with the teams,’ said Ponder. ‘And there were lots of fights during the night.’

‘About what?’

‘About who’s going to play us.’ Ponder stopped and looked Nutt up and down. ‘Commander Vimes is back in town and would like to lock you up,’ he said. ‘Only in protective custody, of course.’

‘You mean put him somewhere where they can all find him?’ said Glenda.

‘I would say that the chances of a mob breaking into Pseudopolis Yard are remote,’ said Ponder.

‘Yes, but you’re locking him up. That’s what it would be. He’d be locked up and coppers chat like everyone else. The orc would be locked up in prison and if people don’t know why, they’ll make it up, that’s how people are. Can’t you wizards do something?’

‘Yes,’ said Ponder. ‘We can do practically anything, but we can’t change people’s minds. We can’t magic them sensible. Believe me, if it were possible to do that, we would have done it a long time ago. We can stop people fighting by magic and then what do we do? We have to go on using magic to stop them fighting. We have to go on using magic to stop them being stupid. And where does all that end? So we make certain that it doesn’t begin. That’s why the university is here. That’s what we do. We have to sit around not doing things because of the hundreds of times in the past it’s been proved that once you get beyond the abracadabra, hey presto, changing-the-pigeons-into-ping-pong-balls style of magic you start getting more problems than you’ve solved. It was bad enough finding ping-pong balls nesting in the attics.’

‘Ping-pong balls nestin’?’ said Trev.

‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ said Ponder glumly.

‘I remember when one of you gentlemen got hungry in the night and cast a spell for a baked potato,’ said Glenda.

Ponder shuddered. ‘That was the Bursar,’ he said. ‘He really does get confused about the decimal point.’

‘I remember all those wheelbarrows,’ said Glenda, slightly amused at Ponder’s discomfort. ‘Days and days it took to get them all out. I heard we were feeding every beggar in the city and every pig farm out as far as Sto Lat for weeks.’

Ponder nearly gave a harrumph. ‘Well, yes, there’s an example of why we have to be careful.’

‘But there’s still going to be a match tomorrow and I would like to conclude my training programme,’ said Nutt.

‘Ah, there’s another problem. You know Lord Vetinari is allowing the Hippo to be used for the game? Well, some of the teams are doing their training there now. You know, a bit of a kick-about, and so on. It’s all about who will be playing Unseen Academicals.’

‘But that’s the other side of the city,’ said Glenda.

‘Commander Vimes has said the Watch will provide an escort,’ said Ponder. ‘Just for protection, you know?’

‘Whose?’ said Glenda. ‘You can see what’s going on here. People will see Mister Nutt as the problem.’

‘Oh, it’s all fun and games until someone loses a head,’ said a voice behind Glenda. She recognized that voice and it always sounded as if it was trying to put its hand up her jumper.

‘Pepe? What the hell are you doing here?’

‘And how did you get in?’ Ponder demanded. ‘The Watch are all around this place.’

Pepe barely gave him a glance. ‘And who are you, smart boy?’

‘I run this university!’

‘Then I should go away and run it, because you’re not going to be any good around here.’

‘Is this–person–known to you, miss?’ Ponder demanded.

‘Er, yes. He, er, designs clothes.’

‘I am a fashionista,’ said Pepe. ‘I can do things with clothing that you wouldn’t think were possible.’

‘I’d believe that, at least,’ said Trev.

‘And I know a thing or two about riots and mobs.’

An idea struck Glenda and she whispered to the irate Ponder, ‘Very big in dwarf circles, sir. Knows a lot of influential people.’

‘So do I,’ said Ponder. ‘Actually, I am one,’ he wailed. ‘But I had to do the training myself yesterday and I couldn’t remember all of the things Mister Nutt comes up with so I had them running on the spot, which I don’t think is very helpful.’

‘There’s somethin’ goin’ bad,’ said Trev. ‘I know about this city. I’ll go and check a few things out. It’s not as if you really need me.’

‘I do,’ said Juliet.

Trev hesitated, but Nutt had shown him how to do this. He extended a hand and blew her a kiss as he went through the door.

‘Did you see that?’ said Juliet. ‘He blew me.’

Glenda looked at Pepe, whose eyes were turned up so far in his head that she could see the whites–although they were red.

A short while later, when most of the UU squad headed for the Hippo with Glenda and Juliet trailing after them like camp followers, half a dozen watchmen appeared from the various places that they had selected for a quiet smoke and fell in after them, trying to make it look as if they all just happened to be strolling in the same direction.

Trev was right, Glenda thought. It is going bad.

Trev had not gone very far when his street sense told him he was being followed. He jinked in and out of a few alleys and waited at the next corner to confront the follower… The follower who wasn’t there. The alley behind him was empty all the way to the last street. He realized this at the same time as someone pressed what definitely felt like a knife to his neck.