‘You see, the thing about football is that it is not about football. It is a most fascinating multi-dimensional philosophy, an extrusion, as it were, of what Doctor Maspinder promulgated in Das Meer von Unvermeidlichkeit. Now, you would say to me, I am sure,’ he went on, ‘What of the 4–4–2 or even the 4–1–2–1–2, yes? And my answer to that would be, there is only the one. Traditionally we say there are eleven players in the team, but that is because of our rather feeble perceptions. In truth, there is only the one and therefore, I would say,’ he gave a little laugh, ‘daring to adapt a line from The Doors of Deception: it does not matter whether you win or lose so long as you score the most goals.’

The girl looked down at her notepad. ‘Could you give that to me a little bit more simply?’

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ said Nutt. ‘I thought I had.’

‘And I think that’s about enough,’ said Glenda, taking the girl by the arm.

‘But I haven’t asked him about his favourite spoon,’ she wailed.

Nutt cleared his throat. ‘Well, I would have appreciated some notice of that question because it is quite a large field, but I think the Great Bronze Spoon of Cladh, which weighed more than a ton, would definitely have to be a runner, though we must not forget the set of spoons, each one smaller than a grain of rice, crafted by some unknown genius for the concubines of the Emperor Whezi. But undoubtedly, from what I can gather, these were surpassed by the notorious clockwork spoon, devised by Bloody Stupid Johnson, which could apparently stir coffee so fast that the cup would actually rise up from the saucer and hit the ceiling. Oh, to be a fly on that wall, but not too close, obviously. Possibly less well known is the singing spoon of the learned sage Ly Tin Wheedle, which could entertain the dinner table by singing comic songs. Among other great spoons—’

‘That is enough,’ said Glenda, tugging the girl away for her own good.

‘He’s an orc?’ the girl said.

‘So everyone says,’ said Glenda.

‘Were they all like that? I thought it was all about twisting heads off?’

‘Well, I suspect people get bored with the same old thing.’

‘But how does he know all about spoons?’

‘Believe me, if anyone has ever written Great Spoons of the World, Mister Nutt has read it.’

Trev heard the girl’s plaintive voice as Glenda almost forcibly led her away, or at least away from Nutt. ‘I really wanted to talk to Jewels,’ Trev heard the girl say, as she walked past Juliet without a glance. ‘But she’s hiding out, everyone says.’

He hurried across and pulled the other two in a huddle towards him. ‘There’s gonna be murder tomorrow,’ he said. ‘The wizards can’t use magic and Ankh-Morpork United is gonna be made up out of the toughest, nastiest bunch of buggers that’re outside of the Tanty.’

‘We shall have to change our tactics to suit, then,’ said Nutt.

‘Are you nu—insane? I’m talkin’ about people like Andy, Nutt. An’ he might not be the worst one.’

‘But everything is a matter of tactics. A respect for strengths and weaknesses and the proper utilization of the knowledge,’ said Nutt.

‘Listen!’ said Trev. ‘There won’t be time for that sort of thing.’

‘If I may quote—’ Nutt began.

‘I said listen! Do you know any quotes by people who have been knifed in the back an’ then kicked in the nu—’ He stopped and then continued. ‘Kicked when they’re lyin’ on the ground, yes? Because that’s what you need to be thinkin’ about at the moment.’

‘The Watch will be there,’ said Nutt.

‘But generally their way of dealing with a complicated event is to get everyone lyin’ on the ground,’ said Trev. ‘That makes it simpler.’

‘I feel certain that we could beat any team at football,’ said Nutt soothingly.

Trev looked around him in a desperate search for anyone who might have a grip. ‘It doesn’t work like that! It’s not about the football!’

‘I don’t think I want to see anyone hurt,’ said Juliet.

‘Then you’ll have to close your eyes,’ said Trev. ‘Nutt, you think that everythin’ is going to be nice and sportsmanlike ’cos that’s how the new football has been designed, but it’s the same old people out there. You know what I think?’

‘My dad says it won’t look very good for Vetinari if the Academicals lose,’ said Juliet.

‘An’ will he be glad about that?’ said Trev.

‘Well, I suppose, yes, but even Dad says prob’ly better to have bloody Vetinari than most of the buggers we’ve had.’

That was because the city worked, thought Trev. It had been a mess before Vetinari had taken over and no one knew exactly how he’d done it. He’d got the Watch working properly. He’d got the war between the dwarfs and the trolls sorted out. He let people do whatever they liked, provided they did whatever he liked. And above all, the city was crammed with people and money. Everyone wanted to live in Ankh-Morpork. Could he really be shaken down because the new football went bad? Well, the answer was, of course, yes–because that’s how people were.

Trev mentioned this to Glenda as she came back from ushering the bemused Roz out of the range of more of Nutt’s philosophy. She looked at Trev and said, ‘Do you think Vetinari knows about this?’

‘Dunno,’ said Trev. ‘Well, I know he’s s’posed to have lots of spies, but I dunno whether they’d know about this.’

‘Do you think someone ought to tell him?’ said Glenda.

Trev laughed. ‘What are you suggestin’? That we go over to the palace, walk right up to him and say, “Excuse us, mister, there are a few things that have escaped your attention?”’

‘Yes,’ said Glenda.

‘Thank you, Drumknott, that will be all for now,’ said Vetinari.

‘Yes, sir,’ said Drumknott. He nodded at Lady Margolotta and oiled his way noiselessly out of the room.

‘Havelock, I appreciate that Drumknott is very competent, but he always seems to me to be a rather strange little man.’

‘Well, it would be a funny old world if we were all alike, madam, although I admit not very funny if we were all like Drumknott. But he is loyal and excessively trustworthy,’ said Vetinari.

‘Hmm,’ said her ladyship. ‘Does he have much of a personal life?’

‘I believe that he collects different types of stationery,’ said Vetinari. ‘I have sometimes speculated that he might change his life for the better should he meet a young lady willing to dress up as a manila envelope.’

They were on the balcony outside the Oblong Office, which offered a perfect view of the centre of the city while leaving the viewer almost invisible.

‘The accord is going ahead?’ said Vetinari.

‘Certainly,’ said her ladyship. ‘Peace at last between dwarfs and trolls.’

Vetinari smiled. ‘The word “peace” is generally defined as a period of rest and rearmament before the next war. Were many assassinations necessary?’

‘Havelock, sometimes you are too direct!’

‘I do beg your pardon, it’s just that the progress of history requires butchers as well as shepherds.’

‘There were no assassinations,’ said her ladyship. She turned her eyes upwards. ‘There was, however, a terrible mining accident and a rather unusual rock slide. But, of course, there is still the Loko business to sort out. The dwarfs still want total extermination.’

‘How many orcs are there?’

‘Nobody knows. Perhaps Nutt will be able to find them.’

‘We must not have genocide,’ said Vetinari. ‘History has a way of repaying.’

‘He is turning out to be quite a surprise.’

‘So I understand. From the reports I have been receiving, all that the orcs were not, he is.’

‘But he will remain an orc underneath it all,’ said her ladyship.

‘I wonder what remains under all of us?’ said Vetinari.

‘You’ve taken a very big risk, you know,’ said Lady Margolotta.

‘Madam, this city is all risk, I assure you.’

‘And power is a game of smoke and mirrors,’ said her ladyship, reaching for the wine.