‘That means talking about it, doesn’t it?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.

‘No, that’s oral sex,’ said Rincewind.

‘No, that’s listening to it.’

Bengo Macarona sat with a dazed look on his face.

‘Now, I don’t want any sneaking off for midnight snacks,’ said Ridcully. ‘There are rules. Mrs Whitlow and Miss Sugarbean have been told that I fully back Mister Nutt’s authority here. Surely you gentlemen could show some backbone?’

‘In an attempt to show solidarity with the rest of the team,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, ‘I am led to believe that there is some cheese in the mousetrap in my room.’

Ridcully was left all alone with only the echo of falling chairs for company.

The Archchancellor repaired to his own room and tossed his hat on to its stand. There have to be rules, he said to himself, and there has to be a rule for them and a rule for me. He went to his eight-poster bed and opened the hatch containing the tobacco jar. It now contained a little note instead, saying, ‘Dear Archchancellor, In accordance with your ratification of Mister Nutt’s instructions that the faculty are not to be allowed food or the implements of smoking this evening, I’ve taken the liberty of clearing away your cigarettes and pipe tobacco. May I also mention that I have emptied the cool cupboard of the usual cold cuts and pickles to avoid temptation.’

‘Bugger,’ said Ridcully under his breath.

He walked to his wardrobe and rummaged in the pocket of his smoking jacket, coming up with a note that said, ‘In accordance with Mister Nutt’s rules, as ratified by yourself, Archchancellor [and it was remarkable how reproachful Mrs Whitlow could make her handwriting], I have taken the liberty of removing your emergency peppermints.’

‘Change and decay!’ Ridcully declared to the night air. ‘I am surrounded by traitors! They thwart me at every turn.’ He wandered disconsolately past his bookcase and pulled out Boddrys’ Occult Companion, a book he knew by heart. And because he knew the book by heart, page 14 opened on to a neat little cavity, which contained a packet of extra-strong liquorice mints, an ounce of Jolly Sailor tobacco and a packet of Wizzla’s… And, as it turned out, a small note: ‘Dear Archchancellor, I just didn’t have the heart. Mrs Whitlow.’

It seemed darker than usual. Generally, the Archchancellor’s rulings were obeyed, and it seemed to the members of Unseen Academicals that every door was closed, indeed slammed, as they searched for food. Every pantry was locked and spell-proofed. The team trudged helplessly from one hall to another.

‘I do have some reheatable pasta in my room,’ said Bengo Macarona. ‘My grandmother gave it to me before I came down here. It will keep for ten years and my grandmother says that it will taste as good after ten years as it does now. I regret that she may have been telling the truth.’

‘If you get it, we could cook it up in my room,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

‘If you like. It contains alligator testicles, for nourishment. They are very popular at home.’

‘I didn’t know alligators had testicles,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

‘They haven’t got ’em any more,’ said Bledlow Nobbs (no relation).

‘I’ve got a biscuit, we could share that out,’ said Ponder Stibbons. He was immediately pierced by their questioning gazes. ‘No,’ he said, ‘I am not going to countermand the Archchancellor’s orders any further than that. I would never hear the last of it, gentlemen. Without a hierarchy we are nothing.’

‘The Librarian will have some bananas,’ said Rincewind.

‘Are you sure?’ said Macarona.

‘I think the Librarian has a motto in these cases: “If you try to take my bananas from me, I will reclaim them from your cold dead hands.”’

Trev, who had been lurking in the shadows, waited until the rumble of stomachs died away in the distance and then hurried back and knocked on the bolted door of the Night Kitchen. ‘They’ve all met up and they’re headed for the Library.’

‘Good, I think he’ll share his bananas with them,’ said Nutt.

‘I don’t really see the point,’ said Glenda.

‘The point is they are friends. Partners in adversity. They are a team. That is football. You have to train a team to be a team and I will have no problem with them having a very large breakfast in the morning.’

Nutt was changing, Trev thought. ‘Can I ask you a personal question, Mister Nutt?’

‘Nearly all the questions people ask me are personal, though do go ahead, Mister Trev.’

‘Well, er, all right. Sometimes you look big and sometimes you look small. What’s that all about?’

‘It is something built into us,’ said Nutt. ‘I believe that it is a product of the morphic field contracting and expanding. It affects your perceptions.’

‘When you’re upset, you do look very small,’ said Glenda.

‘What size do I look now?’

‘Pretty big,’ said Trev.

‘Good,’ said Nutt, helping himself to a slice of pie. ‘Tomorrow I intend to look even bigger.’

‘There’s somethin’ else we have to do,’ said Trev. ‘Pepe wants to help me. He thinks I’m gonna play football.’

‘Well, you are going to play football,’ said Nutt.

‘No! You know this! I promised my ol’ mum and you can’t break a promise to your ol’ mum, Gods rest her soul. Do you ’ave keys to the wine cellar, Glenda?’

‘Do you think I’d tell you, Trev Likely?’

‘Thought not. I want two bottles of best brandy. And, er, could you all come with me, please? I think Pepe means well, but he, er, well, you know him, it’s midnight and everythin’.’

‘I think I know Pepe,’ said Glenda.

There was a guard on the rear door of Shatta, but before he could even think of turning away Trev and his bodyguards, Pepe appeared. ‘Cor! Three chums. I must be very frightening,’ he said, leering. ‘Hello, chums, got the brandy?’

‘Yes, what’s this all about, Pepe? You’ve been putting the willies up Trev,’ said Glenda.

‘I never have! I hardly ever put the willies up anyone these days. I just told him he was going to play in the football.’

‘I promised my ol’ mum,’ said Trev, clinging to the declaration as if it were a tiny raft in a choppy sea.

‘But you’ve got a star in your hand and you don’t have much of a choice.’

Trev looked at his palm. ‘Just a lot of lines.’

‘Well there’s them that has the sight and there again there’s them that don’t. I’m one of those that have. ’s metaphorical, see. But all it is is that I would like to give you a little something that may be of use to you tomorrow. What am I saying? It might damn well save your life,’ said Pepe. ‘It’ll certainly save your marriage. I’m sure the ladies here would like to think that us at Shatta have done the best for you.’

‘For what it’s worth, Trev, I trust Pepe,’ said Glenda.

‘And this is Mister Nutt,’ said Trev. ‘He’s a friend.’

‘Yeah. I know what Mister Nutt is,’ said Pepe. ‘And you can come, too. I am pleased to make your… acquaintance.’

He turned to Glenda. ‘You girls stay here, miss,’ he said. ‘This is no errand for a lady.’ He ushered the boys into the gloom. ‘What I’m going to show you gentlemen is top secret and if you cross me, Trev Likely, I will do things that will make Andy Shank look like a playground bully.’

‘Andy was a playground bully,’ said Trev, as they reached what was clearly a forge.

‘Micromail,’ said Pepe with satisfaction. ‘The world hasn’t seen the half of it yet.’

‘It just looks like fine chain mail,’ said Nutt.

‘It’s strange stuff,’ said the dwarf. ‘I can give you a vest and pair of shorts and they better both come back here, boy, otherwise said implications will be performed on your arse and I ain’t kidding. This stuff isn’t just for making the girls look pretty. You would be amazed what it can do with just a little change in the alloy.’ He pointed to a glistening heap. ‘It’s as light as a feather and doesn’t chafe, you know.’