Chapter V:
Some Monsters

...For many days the company traveled south, trusting to the eyes of the Ranger, Arrowroot, the keen ears of the boggies, and the wisdom of Goodgulf to lead them. A fortnight after their departure they arrived at a great crossroads and halted to determine the best way to cross the towering Mealey Mountains.

Arrowroot squinted into the distance. "Behold the grim Mount Badass," he said, pointing to a large milestone a hundred yards down the road.

"Then we must head east," said Goodgulf, gesturing with his wand to where the sun was setting redly in a mass of sea-clouds.

A duck flew over quacking loudly. "Wolves," cried Pepsi, straining to hear the fading sound...


..."This is an evil place, I fear," said Arrowroot, slipping on the sticky black paint which covered every inch of the land.

"It is the Black Valley," said Goodgulf solemnly.

"Are we in Fordor already?" asked Frito hopefully.

"Do not mention that black land in this black land, said the Wizard darkly. "No, it is not Fordor, but it seems that it has been touched by the Enemy of all Right-Thinking Folk."

As they stood over the dreary vale, there came the howl of wolves, the roar of bears, and the cry of vultures.

"It's quiet," said Gimlet.

"Too quiet," said Legolam.

"We cannot stay here," said Arrowroot.

"No," agreed Bromosel, looking across the gray surface of the page to the thick half of the book still in the reader's right hand. "We have a long way to go."

After trudging down the steep, rock-strewn slope for more than an hour, the party arrived, weary and blackened, at a long ledge that led between a sharp cliff and a pond whose surface was entirely covered with a thick oil slick. As they watched, a great, heavy-winged water bird landed in the foul water with a soft plop and dissolved.

"Let us press on," said Goodgulf, "The pass cannot be far."

With that he led the way around a stony ridge which jutted into the pond in front of them and obscured the rest of the mountain slope from view. The ledge grew narrower as it wound around the outcropping, and the company had to inch their way along. As they passed the bend, they saw in front of them the face of the mountain rising unbroken for hundreds of feet above them. Cut into the rocky wall was the entrance to some underground cavern, cunningly hidden by an enormous wooden door with huge wrought-iron hinges and a giant knob. The door was covered with a strange oath gracefully written in the Palmer runes of the dwarves, and so marvelously had it been constructed, that from a hundred feet away the tiny crack between wood and stone was completely invisible.

Arrowroot gasped. "The Black Pit," he cried.

"Yes," said Gimlet, "The fabled Nikon-zoom of my ancestor, Fergus Fewmet."

"Dread Andrea Doria, curse of the living nipple," said Legolam...


...They traveled a considerable distance into the mountain along the passageway, which after the long flight of stairs leading up from the gate worked it's way for the most part down, with countless changes of direction, until the air became quite hot and stuffy and the company very confused. There was still no source of light save for the flicker from Goodgulf's sputtering wand, and the only sound came from the sinister patter of following footsteps, the heavy breathing of North Koreans, the rattle of gumball machines, and the other hurly-burly of deep, dark places.

At length they came to a place where the passage divided into two, with both leading down, and Goodgulf signaled for a halt. Immediately there came a series of ominous gurgles and otherworldly tweets that suggested that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were having a friendly rubber of bridge not a yard away.

"Let's split up," said Bromosel.

"I've twisted my ankle," said Pepsi.

"Whatever you do, don't make a sound," said Arrowroot.

"Wa-zoo," screamed Moxie, sneezing violently.

"Now here's my plan," said Goodgulf.

"Bullets won't stop them," said Bromosel.

"Whatever happens," said Arrowroot, "we must keep a close watch."

The company, as a man, fell asleep...


...As Goodgulf stepped onto the bridge the passage echoed with an ominous dribble, dribble, and a great crowd of narcs burst forth. In their midst was a towering dark shadow too terrible to describe. In it's hand it held a huge black globe and on its chest was written in cruel runes, "Villanova."

"Aiyee," shouted Legolam, "A ballhog!"

Goodgulf turned to face the dread shadow, and as he did, it slowly circled toward the bridge, bouncing the grim sphere as it came. The Wizard reeled back and, clutching at the ropes, raised his wand. "Back, vile hoopster," he cried.

At this the ballhog strode forward onto the bridge, and stepping back, the wizard drew himself up to his full height and said, "Avaunt, thin-clad one!"

Arrowroot waved Krona. "He cannot hold the bridge," he shouted and rushed forward.

"E pluribus unum," cried Bromosel and leaped after him.

"Esso extra," said Legolam, jumping behind him.

"Kaiser Frazer," shouted Gimlet, running up to join them.

The ballhog sprang forward, and raising the dread globe over his head, uttered a triumphant cry.

"Dulce et decorum," said Bromosel, hacking at the bridge.

"Above and beyond," said Arrowroot, chopping a support.

"A far, far better thing," said Legolam, slicing through the walkway.

"Nearer my God to thee," hummed Gimlet, cutting the last stay with a quick ax stroke.

With a loud snap, the bridge collapsed, spilling Goodgulf and the ballhog into the abyss. Arrowroot turned away and, stifling a sob, ran along the passage with the rest of the company close behind...


...On the far bank of the river they found a thick strand of dead trees covered with signs in Elveranto which said, "Come to the fabulous Elf Village," "Visit the Snake Farm," Don't miss Santa's Workshop," and "Help Keep Our Forest Enchanted!"

"Lalornadoon, Lalornadoon," sighed Legolam, "wonder of Lower Middle Earth!"

At that, a door in the trunk of a large tree opened, revealing a small room filled with postcard racks, loudly clicking cuckoo clocks, and boxes of maple-sugar candies. A greasy-looking elf slipped out from behind a taffy machine.

"Welcome Wagon," he said, bowing low. "I am Pentel."

"Come hither, conastoga," said Legolam.

"Well, well, well," said the elf, coughing importantly, "we are a bit out of season, aren't we?"

"We're just passing through," said Arrowroot.

"No matter," said Pentel. "Plenty to see, plenty to see. On the left, your petrified tree, to the right your Echo Rock and your Natural Bridge, and just ahead your Old Wishing Well."

"We've come from Doria," Arrowroot continued," We're on our way to Fordor."

The elf blanched. "I hope you've enjoyed your visit to Lornadoon Land of Magic," he said quickly, and handing them a sheaf of folders and pack-horse stickers, he leaped into the tree and slammed and bolted the door.

"These are troubled times," said Arrowroot...


...A moment later the door to the great tree swung open and a short elf stepped out. "Cellophane and Lavalier await you abovestairs," he said, and led the company into the wide trunk. The tree was completely hollow, and the inside was covered with brick-design wallpaper. A circular staircase led through a hole in the ceiling to an upper story, and the elf motioned for them to ascend the narrow steps. As they reached the top, they found themselves in a room decorated much as the one below, but brightly lit by great wagon-wheel chandeliers which hung from the lofty roof. On a pair of tree stumps at the end of the room sat Cellophane and Lavalier, arrayed in rich muslin.

"Welcome to Lornadoon," said Lavalier, rising slowly to her feet, and it seemed to the company that she was as fair as a young sapling or scrub oak. She had magnificent chestnut hair, and when she shook her head, handfuls of magnificent chestnuts dropped to the floor like rain. Frito toyed with the Ring and wondered at her great beauty.

"I see, Frito," she said, "that as you toy with the Ring, you wonder at my great beauty."

Frito gasped.

"Do not fear," she said, solemnly tweaking his nose. "Nasties we're not."

Cellophane then rose and greeted each of the travelers in turn, and motioning for them to sit down on the rubber toadstools arranged around the room, bid them tell the tale of their adventures.

Arrowroot cleared his throat. "Once upon a time," he began.

"Call me Ishmael," said Gimlet.

"Whanne in Aprille," started Legolam.

"Hear me, oh Muse," commenced Bromosel.

After some discussion, Frito told the whole story of the Ring, of Dildo's party, the Black Schleppers, the Caucus of Orlon, Doria, and Goodgulf's untimely passing.

"Woodja, woodja, woo," said Cellophane sadly when Frito had finished.

Lavalier sighed deeply. "Your journey is long and hard," she said.

"Yes," said Cellophane, "you bear a great burden."

"Your enemies are powerful and merciless," said Lavalier.

"You have much to fear," said Cellophane.

"You leave at dawn," said Lavalier...



..."Farewell," said Lavaier, as the company crammed themselves into the boats. "A great journey begins with a single step. No man is an island."

"The early bird gets the worm," said Cellophane.

The rafts slipped out into the river, and Cellophane and Lavalier boarded a great boat-shaped swan and drifted a short distance behind them, and Lavalier sat in the prow and sang an elvish lament to the heart-breaking timbre of steel drums:

"Dago, Dago, Lassi Lima rintintin
Yanqui unicycle ramar rotoroot
Telstar aloha saarinen cloret
Stassen camaro impala desoto?
Gardol oleo telephon lumumbal
Chappaqua havatampa muriel
U canleada horsta wata, bwana,
Butyu canna makit drinque!

Comsat melba rubaiyat nirvana
Garcia y vega hiawatha aloo.
O mithra, mithra, I fain wud lie doon!
Valdaree valdera, que sera, sirrah,
Honi soit la vache qui rit.
Honi soit la vache qui rit."

("Oh the leaves are falling, the flowers are wilting, and the rivers are all going Republican. O Ramar, Ramar, ride quickly on your golden unicycle and warn the nymphs and drag queens! Ah, now who shall gather lichee nuts and make hoopla under the topiaries? Who will trim my unicorns? See, even now the cows laugh, Alas, alas." Chorus: "We are the chorus and we agree. We agree, we agree, we agree."

As the tiny boats passed round a bend in the river, Frito looked back in time to see the Lady Lavalier gracefully sticking her finger down her throat in the ancient elvish farewell.

Bromosel looked ahead to where the meandering of the river had brought them face to face with the barely risen sun. "The early bird gets hepatitis," he grunted, and fell asleep...


...At that moment there came a great crashing in the nearby woods, and a band of howling narcs and grunting beavers descended on the luckless party.

Arrowroot leaped to his feet. "Evinrude," he cried, and drawing the sword Krona, handed it hilt-first to the nearest narc.

"Joyvah Halvah," shouted Gimlet, and dropped his adze.

""Unguentine," said Legolam, putting his hands on his head.

"Ipso facto," growled Bromosel, and unbuckled his sword belt.

Spam rushed over to Frito in the heat of the surrender and grasped him by the arm. "Time to trot, bwana," he said, drawing a shawl over his head, and the two boggies slipped down to the boats and out into the river before the charging narcs and their lumbering allies missed them.

The chief narc grabbed Arrowroot by the lapels and shook him fiercely. "Where are the boggies?" he screamed. Arrowroot turned to where Frito and Spam had been standing and then to Moxie and Pepsi, who were hiding next to where Legolam and Gimlet were playing possum.

"You lie, you die," said the narc, and Arrowroot couldn't help but notice the tone of malice which had crept into his voice.

He pointed to the boggies, and two narcs jumped forward and swept them up in the thighs they had by way of arms.

"There's been some mistake," squealed Moxie, "I haven't got it."

""You've got the wrong man," Pepsi shrieked, "It was him," he said, pointing to Moxie.

"That's the one," cried Moxie, gesturing at Pepsi, "I'd know him anywhere. Three-five, eighty-two, tattoo on left arm of rutting dragon, two counts of aiding and abetting known Ring-bearer."

The chief narc laughed cruelly. "I give the rest of you ten to run," he said, twirling a set of giant bolos with a threatening application of english. At that, Bromosel started to sprint, but catching his feet in his sword belt, he tripped and impaled himself on his pointed shoes.

"Ye doom is ycomme true," he groaned. "O tell the Lacedomecians to damn the torpedoes." Then noisily shaking a large rattle, he expired.

The narc shook his head. "Me, you don't need," he said, and led the narc band away into the surrounding forest with Moxie and Pepsi...