..."There is no time for courtly pastimes," said Goodgulf. "our diversion has failed and the enemy is now forewarned of our intentions. the hour to strike has passed and we are lost."
..."Zo, you ist up, finally," growled a voice. All heads turned to Eorache, tricked out in her best boots, spurs, and armor. Through her nose was thrust a fierce-looking chicken bone.
"Ah, dressed to kill," chuckled Goodgulf as he rose to greet the surprised captain.
"You!" gasped Eorache.
"You were expecting maybe Beowulf?"
"But--but ve thought dot you vere kaput mit der ballhog," said the Roi-Tanner.
"It is a long tale," said Goodgulf, taking a deep breath.
"Then save it," interrupteed Eorache. "Ve have der fighting to do mit der Serutanner. Coming wit me, please."
The company followed Eorache to the rest of the warriors, all mnounted on their fiery, champing steeds, eager as their riders were for battle. Cheerfully they greeted their leader with a clenched fist of salute and whispered amused comments about the odd Ranger that followed her around like a demented basset.
The party mounted. Eorache grudgingly gave Thermofax, the fastest of all the Roi-Tanner's sheep, to Goodgulf. Then, as the Riders burst into song, they rode west toward Isinglass.
They had not ridden but two hours before they reached a crested hill and Eorache bellowed the order to halt. Down in the low valley lay the pastel pink-and-blue walls of Serutan's mighty fortress. the entire city was ringed with walls, and around the walls was a pale-lavender moat crossed by a bright-green draw-bridge. Pennants flapped in the breeze bravely and the tall towers seemed verily to goose the clouds.
Beyond the walls the expedition saw the many wonders that had lured countless tourists through its portals in the past. Amusements of all descriptions lay within; carnivals and sideshows under permanent tents, fairies' wheels and gollum-coasters, tunnels of troth, griffin-go-rounds and gaming houses where a yokel could lose an idle hour, and if he wasn't careful, his jerkin. Years before, when Serutan still showed a fair face to the world, Goodgulf had worked in such a house as a croupier for "Ye Wheel of Ye Fortune" But only for a short time. Why he left and why he had been forever barred from Serutanland, as the evil Wizard renamed it, no one knew. And Goodgulf wasn't telling...
"Does that mean we can go home now?" asked Legolam.
"No!" said the Wizard, his medallion flashing in the sun, "for I see in the distance a vast army marching."
"Nuts," said Gimlet, "I thought we could call it a day."
With fearful eyes they all watched as a dark mass spread over a distant hill and moved toward them with alarming speed. Whether friend or foe, no one could discern. For many minutes they watched until coronets sounded from the battlements of Serutanland.
"They must be narc reinforcements come to destroy us all!" quailed the elf. "Sorhed has sent a great army against us!"
"No!" cried the Ranger. "They are not narcs, they are not like anything that I have seen."
The others saw that this was true. Rank upon rank of huge, warlike vegetables were massing toward Serutanland, led by a monumental creature. An eldritch song thundered:
"All hail Vee-Ates, gather round!
With greens held high and roots in ground!
Cabbage, Eggplant, Cuke and Carrot
Puree narcs with club and garrot!
Squash their pulp up into bits
Slash their rinds and spit out the pits!
Make their juice spout like a geyser
And grind them all to fertilizer!"
"Ho,ho,ho!" rang through the land and the frightened sheep milled in confusion like sheep. Dumbstruck, the party saw squads of squash, platoons of potatoes, companies of kumquats, battalions of beets, and regiments of radishes, all tramping to a martial air played by a fifty-piece rutabega marching band. Beyond the endless rows were even more formations; determined-looking avocados, stalwart scallions and brawny eggplants.
The very ground shook at the rhythmic rootsteps of the hoard, the air crackled with their thousand chattering, piping warcries...
...At last the fighting was over and the long-parted friends ran to each other with joyful greetings.
"Joyful greetings!" cried Moxie and Pepsi.
"The same and more to you, I'm sure," said Goodgulf, stifling a yawn of recognition.
"Hail fellow well met," bowed Legolam, "May your dandruff worries be over forever."
Gimlet limped over to the two boggies and forced a smile.
"Pox vobiscum. May you eat three balanced meals a day and have healthful, regular bowel movements."
"How comes it," said Arrowroot, "that we meet in this strange land?"
"It is a tale long in the telling," said Pepsi, pulling out a sheaf of notes.
"Then save it," said Goodgulf...
...High above them they saw the round, turning restaurant with its flashing sign that read Serutan's Top O' the Mark. Under it a glass door swung open. A figure appeared at the railing edge.
"Dot's him!" cried Eorache.
In face he looked much like Goodgulf, but his rainment was strange to see. the Wizard was dressed in a full-length leotard of fire-engine red and a long cape of black sateen. On his head were pasted black horns and at his buttocks was attached a barbed tail. He held an aluminum pitchfork and wore cloven patent-leather loafers. He laughed at the company below.
"Ha ha ha ha ha."
"Come thee then down," called Arrowroot, "and what to thee is coming, taketh. Open thy door and let us in."
"Nay," cackled Serutan, "not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin. Let us instead work this out like sane, reasonable people."
"Vork-schmork," screamed Eorache. "Ve vant your miserable schkin!"
The evil wizard drew back in mock fear, then returned to the edge and smiled. His voice was soothing and melodious, dripping with sweet intonations like a melting fudgsicle. The company stood in awe of his sucaryled words.
"Let's backtrack," continued Serutan. "Here I am with my little concern making an honest farthing by the sweat of my brow. Suddenly a merger of competitors crash right through my corporate holdings trying to drive me out of the market. You have taken my liquid assets and nullified my small merchandising staff. It's a clear-cut case of unfair business practices."
"Hey," said the giant to Goodgulf, "that guy's got a good head on his shoulders. No wonder he reaps so much cabbage."
"Shut up," Goodgulf agreed...
...Just then a small black object whizzed past Goodgulf's head.
"This is getting monotonous," Gimlet opined.
The round sphere bounced along the pavement and came to rest at Pepsi's toes. He looked at it curiously and picked it up.
"We will leave you under guard in your foul tower," said Goodgulf, "and the Vee-Ates will deal with you when your larder is empty of frozen cube steaks."
Goodgulf turned and pointed to Papsi.
"Okay, drop it."
"Aw, I wasn't doing nothing," said Pepsi.
"Yeah, nothing," defended Moxie.
"Let me have it," said the Wizard impatiently, "you can't eat it, so you have no use for it."
The young boggie handed the black ball over glumly.
"Now," said Goodgulf, "we must move quickly. Though the lands of Isinglass and Roi-Tan are safe from Serutan's power, they will not long be thus unless Twodor itself is saved from Sorhed's malevolence."
"What must we do?" said Moxie.
"Yes, do?" asked Pepsi.
"If you'll belt up for a second I will tell thee," Goodgulf snapped. "The fair city of Minas Troney is threatened by Sorhed's eastern armies. The foul city of Chikken Noodul lies near, and any day the black cloud will fall upon her fairer sister. We must gather all our forces and defend her." He beckoned Arrowroot. "You, Stomper, must take it upon yourself to gather your subjects in Twodor and anyone else who will come to shore up the ramparts of Minas Troney. Eorache, you must bring all the riders you can spare and Birdseye too must lead his valiant Vee-Ates to Twodor. The rest will proceed with me there directly."
"A hundred words without a punchline," said Gimlet. "The old crock must be sick."...
...Goodgulf snatched the ball away from Pepsi and glowered. "This," he said harshly, "is no plaything. this ball is the wondrous mallomar, the magic whatchamacallit of the elves, long thought lost in the Sheet-Metal Age."
"Why didn't you say so?" said Pepsi pointlessly.
"With mallomar the old ones probed the secrets of the future and looked deep into the hearts of men."
"Sort of like a Ouija board?" said Moxie sleepily.
"Watch closely!" Goodgulf commanded.
The two boggies watched with interest as the wizard made mysterious passes over the sphere and muttered a weird incantation.
"Hocus pocus
Loco Parentis!
Jackie Onassis
Dino de Laurentis!"
Before their frightened eyes the boggies saw the sphere glow. Goodgulf continued to mutter over it.
"Queequeg qhohog!
Quodnam quixote!
Pequod peapod!
Pnin Peyote!
Presto change-o
Toil and trouble
Rollo chunky
Double-Bubble!"
Suddenly the globe seemed to burst from within with a sparkling radiance, and a quavering sound hummed through the air. Pepsi heard Goodgulf's voice through the shimmering glow.
"Tell me, O magic mallomar, shall Sorhed be defeated or shall he conquer? Shall the black cloud of Doom fall on all of Lower Middle Earth, or shall there be sunshine and happiness with his fall?"
Pepsi and Moxie were astonished to see fiery letters begin to form in the air, fiery letters that would foretell the fate of the coming struggle with the Dark Lord. It was with wonder that they read the answer: Reply Hazy, Ask Again Later.