St. George and the Dragonet
(From "Stan Freberg's Greatest Hits"
St. George and the Dragonet
*Dummm da dum dummm.... dummm da-dum dum dummm....*
#define __NARRATOR(a1)
a1
#define __GEORGE(a1)
a1
#define __CHIEF(a1)
a1
#define __MAIDEN(a1)
a1
#define __KNAVE(a1)
a1
#define __DRAGON(a1)
a1
__NARRATOR( The legend you are about to hear is true, only the needle should be changed to protect the record.
*Dummm da dum dummm.... dummm da-dum dum dummm....*
__GEORGE( This is the countryside, my name is St. George, I'm a knight. Saturday, July tenth, eight-oh-five p.m. I was working out at the castle out on the night watch when a call came in from the chief: A dragon had been devouring maidens. Homicide. My job: Slay 'em.
*Dummm da dum dummm.... *
__GEORGE( You call me chief?
__CHIEF( Yes, the dragon again, devouring maidens. The kings daughter may be next.
__GEORGE( Mmmhmm...You got a lead?
__CHIEF( ...eeh, Nothing much to go on. Say, did you take that forty-five automatic into the lab to have them check on it?
__GEORGE( Yeah, you were right.
__CHIEF( I was right?
__GEORGE( Yeah. It was a gun.
*Budumm budumm dumm da-dummmm*
__GEORGE( eight-twenty-two p.m. I talked to one of the maidens who had almost been devoured.
*knock knock knock* [door opens]
__GEORGE( Could I talk to you Ma'am?
__MAIDEN( who er you?
__GEORGE( I'm St. George, ma'am. Homicide, ma'am. I want to ask you a few questions, ma'am. I understand you were almost devoured by the dragon, is that right ma'am?
__MAIDEN( It was terrible, he breathed fire on me, he burned me already!
__GEORGE( How can I be sure of that, ma'am?
__MAIDEN( Believe me, I got it straight from the dragon's mouth!
*Dummm dummm dum dum da-dummmm!*
__GEORGE( Eleven-forty-five p.m. I rode over to the King's Highway, I saw a man, I stopped to talk to him.
__GEORGE( Pardon me sir, could I talk to you for just a minute sir?
__KNAVE( Sure, I don't mind.
__GEORGE( What do you do for a living?
__KNAVE( I'm a knave.
__GEORGE( Didn't they pick you up on a nine-oh-three last year for stealing tarts?
__KNAVE( Yeah, so what do you want make a federal case out of it?
__GEORGE( No sir. We heard there was a dragon operating in this neighborhood. We just wanted to know if you'd seen him.
__KNAVE( Sure I've seen him.
__GEORGE( Mmhmm, could you describe him for me?
__KNAVE( What's to describe? You seen one dragon, you've seen 'em all!
__GEORGE( Would you try and remember sir, just for the record. We just want to get the facts, sir.
__KNAVE( Well, he was, you know, he had orange polkadots...
__GEORGE( Yes sir.
__KNAVE( ...purple feet, breathing fire and smoke,
__GEORGE( mmmhmm
__KNAVE( ...and one big bloodshot eye, right in the middle of his forehead, and uh, like that.
__GEORGE( Notice anything unusual about him?
__KNAVE( No, he's just the run of the mill dragon, you know.
__GEORGE( Mmhmm, yes sir, you can go now.
__KNAVE( Hey, hey! By the way, how you gonna catch him?
__GEORGE( I thought you'd never ask. A dragon net.
*Dummmmmm duuummmm dum dumm dummmmmmmmmm....*
__GEORGE( Three-oh-five p.m. I was riding back in to the courtyard to make my report to the lab when it happened.
*Du-dummmm*
*Roar!*
__GEORGE( It was the dragon
__DRAGON( Hey, I'm da fire breden dragon, you must be St. George right?!
__GEORGE( Yes sir.
__DRAGON( I see you got one of those new forty-five-caliber swords.
__GEORGE( That's about the size of it.
__DRAGON( Wuhaaahahayayahaaaagh, you slay me!
__GEORGE( That's what I came here to talk to you about.
__DRAGON( Wuh do yuh mean?
__GEORGE( I'm taking you in on a five-oh-two, you figure it out.
__DRAGON( What's the charge.
__GEORGE( Devouring maidens out of season.
__DRAGON( OUT OF SEASON! YOU'LL NEVER PIN THAT RAP ON ME, DO YOU HEAR ME, COP!
__GEORGE( Yeah. I hear ya. I got you on a four-twelve, too.
__DRAGON( A FOUR-TWELVE?! WHAT'S A FOUR-TWELVE?!!
__GEORGE( Overacting. Let's go.
*Dumm du-dummm, dum da-dum da-dum*
__NARRATOR( On September the fifth the dragon was tried and convicted. His fire was put out and his maiden devouring license revoked. Maden devouring out of season is punishable by a term of not less than fifty or more than three hundred years.
*Dumm du-dummm, Dummm, Dummm Dummmmmmmm...*