The Microsoft-English Dictionary 1.0
(What Microsoft Really Means To Say)
Article #2001-04
8 July 2001
Richard Forno (rforno@infowarrior.org)
(c) 2001 Author. Permission granted to freely reproduce - in whole or in part
for noncommercial use - with appropriate credit to author and INFOWARRIOR.ORG.
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For his novel "1984" George Orwell developed "Newspeak", a modified English
language using ambiguous or deceptive words, metaphors, or euphemisms to
influence public opinion on various matters - a common business practice
refined to an exacting science by news media, marketing companies, and
corporate PR departments.
Nowhere is Newspeak more perfected than in the halls of the Microsoft Campus
in Redmond, Washington - a place where legions of well-paid spin-meisters
attempt to morph the reality of their company's business, legal, and product
information into innocuous-sounding, politically-correct, calm-inducing
statements when released to the public. Naturally, this has a confusing
effect on the general public who is unfamiliar with this particular form of
language.
As a public service, this article contains a helpful list of terms used by
the company and what, in reality - not Newspeak - such terms actually mean.
It's my hope that such insight - culled from personal experience and the
input of technology professionals - will cut through the Newspeak fog and
assist readers in determining for themselves what Microsoft is really saying
in its public statements.
The Microsoft-English Dictionary is organized into four sections: (1) Legal,
Marketing, and Internet Community Terms; (2) Security-Oriented Terms;
(3) Product-Related Terms; and (4) Miscellaneous Terms.
KEY: (n) = Noun; (v)=Verb; (colloq)=Colloquial; (pl)=Plural; (adj)=adjective
Feel free to send updates or suggestions regarding this dictionary to
rforno@infowarrior.org for possible inclusion in future editions.
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Legal, Marketing, and Internet Community Terms
"Cancer" - (1)(n) - Microsoft metaphor describing Linux and the open source
software movement. In reality, the term best describes Microsoft's own
products, starting off small and then growing, spreading, and usually having
negative effects on its host, often requiring software "doctors" and
utilities to restore or recover such problems. Like cancer in the human
body, many hosts have been disabled or killed by such organisims. See also
"Swap Files" and "Temp Files."
"Consent Decree" - (1)(n) - Court orders requiring a company to behave in a
certain manner, usually as part of a court-ordered punishment. (2)(n) -
Something akin to a "no-no note" that Microsoft routinely chooses to ignore
while proceeding with its overly-aggressive business practices.
"Cross-Platform" - (1)(n) - Industry standard definition for a product that
runs on multiple computing environments (See "Platform"). (2)(n) -
Microsoft's marketing term used to mean a product that runs on any of
Microsoft's 'platforms.' (e.g., Microsoft's Java is 'cross-platform' since
it runs on Windows 95, 98, 2000, ME, and XP.)
"Embrace and Extend" -(1)(colloq.) - Microsoft term for accepting community
standards and incorporating such standards in its products. (See "Standards").
"Embrace, Extend, Extinguish" -(1)(colloq.) - Internet community parody on
Microsoft's proclaimed "Embrace and Extend" philosophy, particularly in
light of how the software giant interprets the term 'standards.' (See
"Standards" and "Embrace and Extend")
"External Feedback" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's vague public justification for
removing the Smart Tags feature from Windows XP. (2)(n) - Several articles
and community statements threatening Microsoft with lawsuits over Smart Tags
being used to create derivative works from copyrighted material, and for
using its monopoly position to influence (read 'dominate' or 'control') web
content. (See "Smart Tags")
"Freedom to Innovate" -(1)(n) - Microsoft's attempt to appeal to the
patriotic spirit of the consumer and courts, implying that a failure to
"innovate" (see "Innovation") threatens software development, competition,
world order, the national economy, and may prevent Bill from building the
addition to his mansion next year.
"Great" - (1)(n) - Bill Gates' mantra to the media (e.g., "we'll continue to
make great products... through great software... etc.) Often used
repeatedly and annoyingly in speeches.
"Innovation" - (1)(n) - Microsoft euphamism for ideas they have 'borrowed'
(stolen) or, in rare cases, actually bought from other companies.
"Open Source" -(1)(n) - A generally-accepted software development philosophy
(AKA "CopyLeft") where software coded through a community effort, and the
software source code is freely viewable and usable by anyone with few
restrictions - also serving as a mechanism of providing peer review of
software code by the developer community. The result is a community
development effort that produces robust and reliable software. (2)(n) - An
industry philosophy of software development that terrifies Microsoft.
"Platform" - (1)(n) - Industry-standard definition referring to a specific
computing environment or operating system (e.g., Solaris, BSD, Macintosh,
Windows, AIX are different platforms). (2)(n) - Redmond term used to mean
any Microsoft-developed operating system.
"Software Piracy" -(1)(n) - The unauthorized copying and distribution of
commercial software by large organized crime syndicates that pose a much
greater economic problem for Microsoft, not the individual consumer that
they claim. (See "Product Activation Technology" and "Heroin Economics.")
"Source Code for Windows" -(1)(n) - Microsoft's Crown Jewels and most prized
and guarded intellectual property. Seeing it is the only true way of really
learning how stable, secure, or robust Windows is.
"Standards" - (1) (n, pl.) - What Microsoft thinks should be the defined
baseline for computing and networking protocols. (2) (n, pl) - Microsoft's
inserting of proprietary code into computing technologies previously-agreed
to and in active use by the global computing community (e.g., Kerberos, DNS,
RTF) and then proclaiming the bastardized product as "standards-based"
though not a true "standard" in the eyes of the computing community.
"Viral Software" -(1)(n) - Microsoft metaphor (attempting to play on the
negative connotation of the term computer "viruses") for any software not
developed or owned by Microsoft, such as anything Linux, BSD, Mac, or
Solaris based. (2)(n) - Security community metaphor describing Microsoft
products and their propensity for both acting like and spreading real
viruses. (See also "Cancer", "Swap Files" and "Temp Files.")
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Security-Oriented Terms
"Bug" - (n)(1) - See "Issue"
"Buffer Overflow" - (1)(n) - Security condition present in nearly all
Microsoft products caused by the improper or nonexistent limiting of input
query buffers.
"Bulls-Eye" -(1)(colloq.) - Often said by security staff conducting network
penetration scans when observing the presence of open TCP ports 135, 137, or
139, indicating a Windows system is present.
"Could Allow" - (colloq.) - As Microsoft Security Bulletins read, a reported
vulnerability or exploit to a Microsoft product may be a security problem
ONLY when exploited by a cracker. Implies that a security problem is not a
major concern until the exploit occurs. Example: " Authentication Error in
SMTP Service Could Allow Mail Relaying" (01-037). In reality, the problem
exists, but in Microsoft's expert judgement, the problem is not a 'problem'
until exploited and makes the news. A real world example would be
proclaiming that "guns kill people" (a truth, but only if if the gun is
handled by a person who either loads it and pulls the trigger or uses it to
club someone. By itself, the device is harmless.)
"Issue" - (1)(n) - A feel-good euphamism used by Microsoft referring to a
security problem. (e.g., "Microsoft has discovered an issue with......")
(2)(n) - Microsoft's implied denial that a problem exists, calling it an
"issue" instead of a "problem", "bug", "vulnerability" or "exploit." (In the
real world, how many relationships have been broken off due to "issues"
versus "problems" with the significant other?)
"Known Issue" - (1)(n) - A feel-good euphamism used by Microsoft referring
to a previously-reported problem. (See "issue")
"Malformed" - (1)(adj) - Term used by Microsoft to describe a security
problem caused by submitting false or modified information to an
application, such as a typographic error may direct a user to a different
website than what was intended. (2)(adj) - Term used by the security
community to describe many Microsoft products.
"Microsoft Security Bulletin" - (1)(n) Release of documentation for a
previously-undocumented feature in the named Microsoft Product.
"Secure Microsoft Product" - (1)(n) - Any unopened, uninstalled Microsoft
product, preferably still inside its shrink-wrap. (2)(n) - A PC running
Microsoft operating systems or software that is not connected to a network
or has removable media (e.g., disk drives) installed... that's how Windows NT
received it's C2 endorsement from the NSA in the mid-1990s!
"Security" - (1) (n) - Something Microsoft products lack, evidenced by the
frequency of reports of major products with vulnerable services enabled by
default, or by releasing easily-exploited software products. (2) (noun) - A
concept that is a mutually-exclusive to anything Microsoft.
"Security Response Process" - (1) (n) - Method Microsoft uses to react to
reported security problems with its products. Runs contrary to
industry-accepted standards of proactively preventing problems through
secure software design and intense program quality assurance and abuse
testing prior to release.
"Vulnerability" - (1)(n) - A reported weakness that facilitates the
compromise of a software product or system. (2)(n) - General security
community term for any computer running Windows, networked or not.
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Product-Related Terms
"Active X" - (1)(n) - Vulnerability-ridden and exploitable scripting language
for Microsoft internet products. Commonly called "Craptive-X" by the
security community.
"Alpha Release" - (1)(n) - Any Microsoft product shipped to a selected
number of users who agree to test and look for potential problems, often
incorrectly labelled a "beta" release. (See "Beta Release")
"AutoRecover" - (1)(n) - One of Microsoft's key reasons for upgrading to
Office XP, thus officially acknowledging the inherent instability of
previous versions of Office and Windows products.
"Beta Release" - (1)(n) - Any shrink-wrapped Microsoft product available for
retail purchase or sold to PC manufacturers for inclusion on new PCs.
Microsoft has made its fortunes from users who routinely pay (in many, many
ways!) for the privilege of testing Microsoft products.
"Beta Testers" -(1)(n, pl) - Software industry term for technical folks who
evaluate software prior to its public release or sale. (2)(n, pl) - Anyone
using a publicly-released Microsoft product. (See "Beta Release")
"Blue Screen of Death" - (1)(n) - One of Microsoft's few real innovations.
(2)(n) - Cryptic error codes seen by users when a Windows system crashes.
"C#" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's proprietary answer to Sun's truly cross-platform
Java language. However, C# is only effective when used on Microsoft
'platforms'. (See "platform" and "cross-platform").
"Clippy" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's attempt to reincarnate Microsoft Bob (see
'Microsoft Bob') as a user's assistant, creating a virtual paperclip
notorious for second-guessing Office users with its "It looks like you're
writing a letter. Do you want to format for a letter..." annoyances.
Resurrected in mid-2001 as a marketing ploy to generate buzz about Office
XP's "lack" of such a demon. (2)(n) - Microsoft's assumption that all users
are idiots.
"Clip Art" - (1)(n) - A method used to compromise ("hack into") a Microsoft
system using seemingly-harmless stock artwork for Microsoft Office products
as evidenced by Microsoft Security Bulletin 00-015.
"DOS" (Disk Operating System) - (1)(n) - The decades-old file system that
still serves as the underlying base for Windows operating systems. The
absence of a C prompt (command line) does not mean that DOS is no longer
part of the Windows operating system, only that it is a bit harder to
access. (See "Microsoft Windows")
"Easter Eggs" - (1)(n,pl) - Hidden programs and routines placed inside
programs by their developers, some of which don't get removed prior to
public release.
"Enhancement" -(1)(n) - See "Service Pack" or "Hotfix."
"Hotfix" - (1) (n) - A downloaded file used to fix a small number of major
problems. Many Service Packs contain prior hotfixes.
"Internet Explorer" - (1)(n) - According to Microsoft, in light of its
ongoing anti-trust court proceedings, a set of "core technologies" (not a
'separate application') necessary for Windows to operate. (2)(n) - According
to the security community, a set of "core technologies" (not a 'separate
application') that facilitates the compromise ("hacking") of a remote client
computer by exploiting the network-centric, vulnerable "core technology" of
the operating system. AKA "Internet Exploder". (3)(n) - Constant source of
security news.
"Internet Information Server" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's free internet server
application marketed as an 'innovative' (See "innovation") part of the
evolution of Windows NT and 2000. See also, "Bulls-Eye". (2)(n) - Constant
source of security news.
"Knowledge Base" -(1)(n) - Microsoft's best attempt to provide technical
information on the inner workings of its products, usually in response to a
problem and its fix.
"Legacy" - (1)(adj) - Any existing product that Microsoft wants to stop
supporting in order to promote newer ones.
"Microsoft Bob" - (1)(n) - Cutsey mid-90s attempt to dumb down the user
interface for the average (and still growing) consumer markets. Died a quick
painful death.
"Microsoft.NET." - (1)(n) - Whatever Microsoft thinks it will entail, but
definitely reliant on a subscription-based business model for internet-based
services, provided such services can stay operational.
"Microsoft Hailstorm" - (1)(n) - See .NET.
"Microsoft Outlook" - (1)(n) - Aside from USENET, the world's most prevalent
(and efficient) virus distribution package. This includes Exchange Server,
Microsoft Outlook, and Microsoft Outlook Express products. Also called
"Microsoft Look-Out" by the security community.
"Microsoft Passport" - (1)(n) - Part of Microsoft's new subscription-ware
business model, this serves as the central login for Microsoft users as part
of .NET and Hailstorm. (2)(n) - Single point of failure.
"Microsoft Windows" -(1)(n) - Microsoft's continual refinement of the
decades-old Disk Operating System. (See "Disk Operating System" and
"Vulnerability")
"Minimum System Requirements" - (1)(n, pl) - What Microsoft markets as the
absolute minimum that a given product can operate on to claim a larger
target market for a product. Such specifications correctly states that a
product will be functional on such minimal requirements - but implies that a
customer will be as productive as someone with much more computing power.
(See "Windows Ready PC") A heartbeat may be a "minimum system requirement"
for a human, but an infant can't run a marathon. (See "Recommended System
Requirements")
"Preview Version" -(1)(n) - See "Alpha Release." Also called "Technical
Preview."
"Product Activation Technology" - (1)(n) - Half-baked, easily-bypassed
method intended to prevent software piracy of Microsoft products,
particularly on the consumer side, such as Windows XP and Office XP.
(2)(v) - Invasion and reduction of the consumer's privacy and flexibility
while using Microsoft products. (3)(v) - "Raising the Price" on the
one-on-one manner of sharing software that helped Microsoft gain its
monopoly status. AKA "Heroin Economics." (See "Heroin Economics")
"Recommended System Requirements" - (1)(n, pl) - In reality, the minimum
system configuration necessary for average performance of a given Microsoft
product. Doubling this should yield adequate performance by the product.
(See "Minimum System Requirements")
"Remote Assistance" - (1)(n) - Feature in Windows XP that allows a remote
person to provide troubleshooting assistance by logging onto a user's
computer. (2)(n) - Making one of Microsoft's oldest security problems a
documented product "feature."
"Scalable" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's claim that a given product can grow to
support ever-growing user and processing loads, provided such growth is
limited to Microsoft expectations and 'platforms.' (See "platform")
"Service Pack" - (1) (n) - Stuff left out of the retail release of a
Microsoft product that needs to be added to products already sold and/or in
use. (2) (n) - Something that will probably break a customer's existing
system during the service pack installation process. (3)(n) - Method used by
Microsoft to fix problems in a product which are too widespread to fix with
a simple hotfix. (See "Hotfix")
"Smart Tags" - (1)(n) - Failed attempt by Microsoft to once again exert
monopolist control, this time over any website's content by creating
unauthorized derivative works from copyrighted material, and using its
monopoly in the browser and "platform" market to lead web surfers to
Microsoft-sponsored and endorsed products, services, and advertisers.
"Subscription-Ware" -(1)(n) - Software such as Windows XP that users pay to
use on an annual basis instead of a one-time license. Failure to pay annual
subscriptions will render user data and/or Microsoft-based organizations
unreachable and unusable until such tribute is paid on an annual basis.
(2)(n) - Giving a corporation - software or entertainment industry - control
over a user's information and livelihood. (3)(n) - Gross invasion of
privacy. (See "UCITA")
"Swap File" - (1)(n) - Method used by Windows to fill up and fragment users
disk space.
"Temp Files" - (1)(n) - See "Swap File" above.
"Three-Finger Salute" - (1)(n) - One of Microsoft's first innovations.
(2)(n) - The process used to reboot a computer after a crash - often
resulting in Repetitive Strain Injuries for Windows users.
"Undocumented Feature" - (1)(n) - Previously unknown capability of a
software product. See "Microsoft Security Bulletin."
"Upgrade" - (1)(v) - Process of introducing new vulnerabilities to the
existing customer community. (2)(n) - New versions of software products.
"Visual Basic" - (1)(n) - Microsoft scripting language that facilitates mass
exploitation of Microsoft applications (2)(n) - Microsoft-centric version of
the Virus Creation Toolkit.
"Visual Vulnerability" - (1)(colloq.) - See "Visual Basic."
"Windows-Compliant PC" - (1)(n) - Computers with ever-growing and often
obscene memory, processor, and hard disk requirements for a basic
installation of a Microsoft operating system. (2)(n) - Easy target for
crackers.
"Windows Droppings" - (1)(n, pl) - Temporary files generated by various
Windows applications (and the operating system itself) that accumulate on a
Windows hard drive and consume valuable disk space. See "Temp Files."
"Windows Media Player" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's proprietary music player and
music format that is being positioned as a pro-Hollywood music player that
will give the music industry full control over where and how a Windows user
can play audio files and music they have stored on their systems. Intended
to replace the "anarchist" and widely-popular MP3 standard for music in
favor of a closed, proprietary, privacy-invading, corporate-controlling
format.
"Windows NT" - (1)(n) - Corporate operating system produced by Microsoft in
the late 1990s. Also referred to as "Needs Tweaking" (due to its many
problems) or "Needs Towing" (referring to the incident involving a crashed
NT server forcing a Navy vessel to be towed back to port in 1999), "Nice
Try", "Neanderthal Technology" (for its DOS roots), "Not There", "Not
Tested", and "Not Trustworthy" among many others.
"Zero Administration" -(1)(n) - Marketing fantasy that claims a software
package requires next to no dedicated staff to administer or support it. In
Microsoft's claims of Zero Administration, something that no Windows product
can survive with.
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Miscellaneous Terms
"AOL" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's arch-enemy, a large mega-corporation that
Microsoft is insanely afraid and jealous of now that the functionality and
day-to-day importance of the Windows OS is being threatened by the AOL
Client suite of services.
"Borg" - (1)(n, pl) - When used in relation to Microsoft, this term refers
to the Star Trek cybernetic villains that would use overwhelming force to
assimilate and incorporate lesser beings into their ever-growing Collective.
"Heroin Economics" - Common practice of drug dealers looking to establish a
customer base by providing free samples to "hook" users, at which time the
dealer raises his prices for his product. Since people are now dependent,
they will naturally pay whatever is necessary to obtain the substance. In
the software world, for years Microsoft tolerated software piracy (both
casual and organized) as its user base expanded and the company became a
monopoly on the desktop with millions of "hooked" users and
organizations...at which time it raised its prices and plans to force users
to pay annual tributes to feed their dependence on Microsoft products and
services. (See "Product Activation Technology")
"Mac OS/X" - (1)(n) - Apple's new BSD-based operating system, something that
Microsoft is trying to emulate in XP and failing miserably at.
"Microsoft" - (1)(n) - The world's largest software company. (2)(n) -
Company found guilty of being a monopoly. (3)(n) - A threat to national and
corporate information security and stability. (4)(n) - Inventor and
distributor of the most frequently-used, attacked, and exploited software in
the world. (5)(n) - Invented the Blue Screen of Death (See "Blue Screen of
Death") and Three-Finger Salute (See "Three-Finger Salute").
"Microsoft Tax" - (1)(n) - See "Heroin Economics." (2)(n) - Inability or
serious difficulty a computer buyer faces when trying to purchase a computer
without a pre-installed Microsoft operating system and suite of products.
"Networking 101" - (1)(n) - Class Microsoft engineers clearly failed when
they placed all four corporate DNS servers behind the same router. When the
router failed in early 2001, all Microsoft servers, from Passport to Hotmail
and Microsoft.Com went off-line. (Ref: "Passport Definiton #2).
"Redmond" - (1)(adj) - Synonymous to "Microsoft" as Microsoft is the largest
employer in the city of Redmond in Washington State.
"Satan Conspiracy Theory" (1)(n) - The long-time joke in the computer
community that the ASCII value of the Microsoft founder's name (Bill Gates,
III) when added together, equals "666".
"Tux" - (1)(n) - The name of the cute penguin that serves as the Linux
Mascot and represents many things that Microsoft isn't. (2)(n) - The Sign of
The Devil and/or a 'cancer' (see 'Cancer') that Microsoft is fearful of.
"UCITA" - (1)(n) - An emerging commercial law - very anti-consumer - that
among other things, gives software vendors the ability to remotely disable
user computers for any reason and binds a customer to a license agreement
that they cannot see until they open the software, thus violating an
agreement that they have not had the opportunity to read, examine, and
determine whether or not they wish to enter into such an agreement with the
software vendor. Software sold as "subscription-ware" is an ideal method to
exercise such controls over the customer-victims. Often pronounced "You
Cheat-Ah", referring to its anti-consumer language. Microsoft is one of
several software companies actively supporting this policy. (See
"Subscription-Ware")
"Useful PC" - (1)(n) - Any computer that is unable to run the latest version
of Windoze because the processor is not fast enough and is recycled as a
much more stable, secure, and robust multi-user system with the installation
of Linux. (Thx to CF for this!)
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