Mitch Hedberg Quotes "They say Sprite is made with lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home, there is more to it than that." "I bought a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, 'I'm hungry.' So it died." "I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said fuck that, I'll just get a tan instead." '\"I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring." "If you are wearing a turtle neck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to take you down." An escalator can never break. It can only temporarily become stairs... sorry for the convenience. "I want to buy cinnamon roll scented candles so my roommates will always wake up with false hope." "A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer." I used to upvote Mitch Hedberg related photos. I still do, but I used to, too. "A lollipop is a combination of hard candy and trash." I eat gummy worms two at a time so that they don't die alone.... "As a kid, I would lie awake in my twin bed wondering where my brother was." RIP Mitch, one of the few celebrities that I really can say was taken far too soon. "I saw a whino eating grapes and I said dude, you have to wait." when i was 13 mitch invited me onstage to tell a joke in NYC. the next day, he passed away. best night of my life. Mitch Hedberg would have been the God of imgur commenting... BEST: "I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just gonna ask where they are going and catch up with them later." "I drank some boiling water, because I wanted to whistle." Bananas are like stop lights but...With bananas green means wait, yellow mean go ahead and red means where the fuck'd you get that banana. Sleeping bags are delicious. +1 if you read all these in his voice "A rotisserie is a very morbid ferris wheel for chickens." "I'm sick of 'soup of the day', I wanna know what the fuck 'soup from now on' is!" I was going to stay overnight at my friend.s house. He said, .you.ll have to sleep on the floor". Damn gravity! "If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit." My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I didn't so I said no. Then I realized I might want a regular banana later so I said Yeah Mitch Hedberg > Tosh "I hate flossing I wish I just had one long curvy tooth" "I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!" "I went to a doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula." I used to like Mitch Hedberg. I still do, but, I used to, too. Ducks eat free at Subway. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera." "I would hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat; G--dammit anyway." They said it should be engraved in stone. Wood was easier. +1 to all quotes and things pertaining to Mitch, I rarely take the time to upvote that much but he deserved it. Such a hilarious human being "Dude, there's not a door there. Youll have to go around" "I had an ant farm once, those guys didn't farm SHIT. Also if you tear their legs off they look like little snowmen" "Quotation marks make the most ordinary sentences look brilliant." 'I can never wear a watch. I like my arms to weigh the same.' [paraphrase] If your feet were hands, your socks would be mittens. "I'm sick of following my dreams, I'm just gonna ask em where they're going and hook up with em later." "Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down." "What does that do? It freshens things. It's a Fresher. I'm going on break." "Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper. But it's the bullshit replica, cause dude didn't even get his degree" "THAT TREE IS REALLY FAR AWAY!" I have just literally upvoted the top ten comments. Quality. "I'm tired of following my dreams. I'm going to ask them where they're going and just hook 'em with them later" I read all of the comments in his voice. RIP Mitch, you witty bastard. "A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer". -RIP A name. Mine long. Yes, indeed. Next ... dammit, doesn't work. "If you don't like the parade, run in the opposite direction. You will fast forward the parade. "Why is it always chicken fingers? I WANT A CHICKEN THUMB!" I'm not sure which is greater, my excitement at finding such a great comedian, or my sadness in finding out he has already passed... Wearing a turtleneck and a backpack is like a really weak midget is trying to take me down. "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." *cont.* "Then look that way for about a half an hour?" "I saw re-possessed manufactured homes for sale. I do not want to be the manufactured home repo-man *knock* Hi, Can you go, cut your grass?" "Do you want a frozen banana." "No, but in a little while I'll want a regular banana, so yes." "I find that a ducks opinion of me is largely influenced by whether or not I have bread."