Religious Jokes --------------- A new catholic priest is posted to a small Arkansas town. To make him feel more welcome, the local rabbi and protestant minister invite him to go fishing. Out in the boat, the rabbi notices that the beer is gone and says "I'll go get some more beer." He steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the dock and buys some more beer. Later, the minister notices that all of the bait is gone and says "I'll go get some more bait." He steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the dock and buys some more bait. The priest is amazed. he thinks to himself, 'anything these guys can do, my God will help me do.' He says, "I need some more smokes." He steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water. Before he comes to the surface the rabbi turns to the minister and says, "Do you think we ought to tell him where the stones are?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- It all started at the last supper when Jesus and the gang got together for some burritos and local brew. At the end the waitress brought the bill to Jesus, he looks at it and winces. "Oh my god", Jesus says and he sneakily passes the bill over to the disciple next to him. "You must be joking", says the disciple and passes the bill on to the next disciple. After a while the bill has gone all around the table and ends up in Judas' hands, he realizes he can't give it back to Jesus and says, "Where the hell am I supposed to get 20 goldpieces from?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- This happens before Vatican II when Catholic Liturgy was still in Latin. As the regular collector was absent one Sunday, Father Brown asks Dominic, the sexton, if he would make the collection. "I'd be glad to", says Dominic, "but I don't know when." "Don't worry", says Father Brown, "I'll signal you when it is time." Totally involved in the service, Father Brown completely forgets about Dominic. On his way to the sacristy, he sadly tells himself: "So much for the collection". To his surprise, when he gets there, the table is overflowing with money. He calls Dominic: "How did you do that?" "Well, each time you told me to, I went." "What do you mean?" "Well, each time you turned around and said: 'Dominic go fisc 'em', I did." (Seven times during the mass the priest would say: 'Dominus vobiscum', Latin for 'The Lord be with you!') ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Moses was leading the children of Israel out of Egypt and had now reached the Red Sea with the Pharoah's army in hot pursuit. The Israelites were in the throes of doubt and panic, so Moses called his publicity man, Lennie, to his side. "Things don't look so hot, Lennie," Moses confided, "but I think I have a plan. What if I hold my rod out over the waters and cause them to part so that the Israelites can cross. But as soon as the Egyptians try to follow, whoosh, the waters will return and they will all be drowned. What do you think of that?" "Moses, baby," Lennie enthused, "you do that, and you'll not only get rid of the Egyptians, but I guarantee you at least three extra pages in the Bible!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q.-How was God able to make the world in six days? A.-He didn't do any documentation. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A man decides to become a monk, and takes a vow which only allows him to say 2 words every 5 years. After 5 years of silence in the monastery it comes the time when the monk is allowed to say his 2 words. "Have you anything to say?" asks the priest. "Hard Bed" says the monk. The priest replies "I'm sorry to hear that, we'll try and do something about it." 5 long years pass...... "Have you anything to say?" asks the priest. "Bad Food." answers the monk. "We'll try and do something about that." says the priest. Another 5 years....... "Have you anything to say" asks the priest. "I'M LEAVING" says the monk. The priest replies "Thank god for that, you've done nothing but complain since you got here!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED TENURE AT ANY UNIVERSITY 1. He had only one major publication. 2. It was in Hebrew. 3. It had no references. 4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. Some even doubt that he wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects. 9. The scientific community has had a hard time duplicating his results. 10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects. 11. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book. 12. Some say he had his son teach the class. 13. He expelled his first two students for learning. 14. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his test. 15. His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountaintop. 16. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. 17. No record of working well with colleagues. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Jesus saves sinners and redeems them for valuable prizes. Jesus saves ... Passes to Moses ... Shoots ... Scores! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The river had swollen and the dam had burst, and now the town was under ten feet of water. A rescue boat came by Rev. Smith's church, but Rev. Smith declined to get in. "The Lord will save me," he replied. An hour later, the water had risen another ten feet, and Rev. Smith was on the roof of the church. Another rescue boat came by, and again the reverend declared that the Lord would save him. Later that night, Rev. Smith clung to the roof of the church with the water up to his chest. This time a helicopter came by, but again the reverend shouted, "The Lord will save me." Unfortunately, by the next morning poor Rev. Smith had drowned. Up in heaven, he was noticeably miffed at the Lord. "Hey," he said, "I thought you were going to save me." "What are you talking about?" the Lord said. "I sent you two boats and a helicopter!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A missionary in a remote jungle outpost found himself face to face with a ferocious lion. Knowing he was doomed for certain, he kneeled down and said his prayers. To his astonishment, the lion too kneeled quietly. "This is a miracle!" the missionary shouted. "Quiet!" Said the lion. "I'm saying grace." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- An oldish nun, in full "penguin" garb was standing next to a VERY busy wide road wanting to get to the other side, but not standing much of a chance with the traffic passing at high speeds in a continuing stream. Just then a huge motorcycle driven by a leather jacketted, chain bedecked heavily bearded man comes roaring along. As he passes her he notices the nun, makes an extremely dangerous turn in the road, roars back, parks his bike next to the road, jumps off, dashes into the middle of the road, gesticulates, holds up his hands and manages to stop the traffic. The nun walks across to the other side and our bearded hero gets out of the way letting the traffic resume. When he gets to his bike, the nun awaits him and thanking him she expresses some surprise at his daringly good manners and concern for her, traits not normally associated with the looks of him and the like. His response, "Hey man, believe me, any friend of Batman's a friend o' mine." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The Pope was being driven around in the back of a limo the last time he visited America when suddenly he felt the urge to drive a car, something he had never done. The driver was reluctant, the Pope having no license and all, but he was the Pope, after all. So Pope and driver switch places, and the Pope proceeds to weave, start and stop erratically, and generally create a considerable hazard, which leads to his being pulled over. The Policeman says, "Get out of the car and show me your license." The Pope explains that he has no license, but that he is the Pope, and wouldn't it be nice of the good officer to let him off? The officer thinks a moment and says he needs to call this one in. Back in his car, he gets on the radio and asks for the chief. "Chief," he says, "I got a problem here and I don't know what to do. I've got this limo pulled over, and I oughta arrest the driver and impound the vehicle, but there's somebody really important involved." "Who is it? The mayor?" asks the Chief. "More important than that..." replies the officer. "The governor, then?" "Uhh, no, sir, even more important than that..." "Well come on man, who is it? Is it ... the President?" demands the Chief. "Even more important than the President, sir. Let me put it to you this way: The Pope's his driver..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Adam was hangin' out in the garden talking to God. Adam asked God. "God...why did you make Eve so beautiful, curvey, and fun to look at?". God replied "So you would love her." Adam thought about it and inquired unto the Great One, "God...why did you make Eve so soft, warm, cuddly and fun to touch?". God replied "So you would love her Adam." Adam smiled sheepishly and kicked the dirt. Then he asked God, "God...why did you make Eve soooo daaaammmmnnnn stooopiiiid?". God looked at Adam and said, "So she would love you." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The Preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do all the time. No matter where I am...in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, `Now, what am I hear after?'" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A young minister goes to the golf course eager to learn the sport. A man comes up to the minister and offers a few pointers. Within a very short time the minister notices a definite improvement. "Thanks a lot," says the minister, practicing to perfect the technique. "No problem," says the man, "I'm the local pro and this lesson costs $200." The minister objects, accusing the pro of false pretenses, but the pro insists on being paid. "Well," said the minister, "I don't have that much money with me, but if you stop by the rectory this evening I'll pay you." The pro writes down the minister's address, and as he's leaving the minister says: "...and bring your mother and father so I can marry them!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Heaven was getting to big and a Baptist convention had a roof fall on them. Well God put them down in Hell for a little bit and told Satan when he had room for them he would come and take them back. So, Satan agreed. Then a few years later God was thinking and said, "Hey, I forgot all about those Baptists". He went down there and asked Satan for them back. Satan disagreed saying, "One more fund raiser and this place will have air conditioning". ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A Christmas Story The three wise men were riding their camels through the desert to Bethlehem. Finally they arrived at the manger containing Joseph, Mary, and their newborn son. The first wise man, a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. After a few minutes he came running outside and shouted: 'I have seen him, the son of our lord!' The second wise man, also a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. Soon he also came running outside shouting: 'I have seen the babe, our savior is born!' The third wise man, a very tall towering figure of a man, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger: 'BOOOM', he hit his head on a rafter and shouted 'Jesus Christ'. Mary looked up and said, 'Hey, ... that sounds a lot better than Claude.' ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A preacher's new car broke down just after his Sunday service. Monday morning he managed to drive the vehicle to the town's one garage for repairs. "I hope you'll go easy on the cost," he told the mechanic. "After all, I'm just a poor preacher." "I know," came the reply. "I heard you preach yesterday." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Frank Perdue is granted a private audience with the Pope. "Your holiness," he says, "I've heard that the Church has suffered some financial reversals, so I'm here with a proposal that can benefit both of us. I'm prepared to donate a hundred million dollars to the Church, provided you make one small change in the Lord's Prayer. Where it says, `Give us this day our daily bread...' Well, I'd like you to consider changing just the end of that line to: `Give us this day our daily chicken.'" The Pope is taken aback. "That's a most unusual request," he says, "but it's certainly a substantial kindness that you're offering the Church. Let me discuss your offer with the College of Cardinals, and I'll be back in touch with you in a few days." As soon as Perdue leaves, the Pope convenes an emergency meeting of the Cardinals. "Boys," he says, "I think we're going to have to review the Wonder Bread account." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- On the way home from work, a trio of hardworking hands from a Kentucky racing stable were sent to their final reward by an inattentive driver of a semi. St. Peter greeted them but appeared to be a bit flustered, he checked his book, made a few phone calls, checked the book again and finally admitted, "Gentlemen, I'm terribly embarrassed. You were not supposed to be here for another month. So, to make it up to you, I'm going to let you go back to earth and for a month, you can be anyone or anything you want to be." The men agreed that this was a fully satisfactory quid pro quo, so St. Peter asked the first guy what he wanted to become. "I've always wanted to be an eagle swooping through the Grand Canyon", said the first. And he was gone. The second said, "I've always wanted to be a great white shark prowling along the Great Barrier Reef." And he was gone. The third fellow seemed embarrassed and looking down at his boots, admitted, "Well, sir. I've always thought that the perfect life was to become a stud." And he was gone. A month later, St. Peter called Gabriel in and after explaining their Heavenly error, asked Gabriel to round them up. Gabriel asked where he could find them. "Well," said St. Peter, "One is an eagle in the Grand Canyon. Another is a shark along the Barrier Reef. The third is in a snow tire in Minneapolis." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, there was a priest who needed a hunchback, so he put up several ads around the place. After searching and talking to most of the hunchbacks, he came across one with no arms. "How can you ring a bell with no arms?", asked the priest. "I'll show you", replied the hunchback as the went back to the church bell. The hunchback made a running start for the bell, and banged it with his face. "You're hired", said the priest. So for the four o'clock mass the next day, the hunchback made his round. He went up to the bell tower. He made a running start and hit it with his face. He backed up, feeling a bit hazed. He ran and hit the bell with his face again. He backed up, feeling a bit of pain. He ran up and hit the bell with his face again. He backed up, feeling very dizzy. He ran up, missed the bell completely and plummeted to a painful death. A crowd of people came up to him. One asked, "Who was that?" Another answered, "I dunno, but his face rings a bell" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- One day little Johnny and Tyrone were sitting on the bench discussing God. Johnny says God is white and Tyrone says God is black. Well they argue back and forth for some time, till finally, Johnny shouts up to the heavens, "God are you black or white?" And a loud voice booms from the clouds...."I am what I am." And Johnny says, "See, I told you he was white." Tyrone says, "That don't prove nuthin'!" And Johnny says, "Yes it does, if he was black he would have said, 'I is what I is'." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok, there was this kid who showed his mom the picture he'd drawn in Sunday School. There was Joseph, and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, and some rather odd spot near the group. "What's that big dot supposed to be?" inquired the mom. To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse: "Take Mary, and Jesus, and flea, to Egypt." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- God decided he needed a vacation. One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it," God said. "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned. Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied. "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my ass off". A third advisor suggested Earth. "That's the worst," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of knocking up some Jewish bitch!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. This man was OLD! He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there. "I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet," states the old man. Jesus does a double take and says, "Father?" The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinnochio?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," said one clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?" "I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr. Brown found going to church VERY boring and often dozed off during the sermons. One Sunday, the minister decided to find out whether Brown was paying attention or not, as he was audibly snoring. So he asked the question, "Who created the heavens and the Earth? Anyone? Mr. Brown, can you tell me?" Well, Brown was asleep, but the little old lady behind him pulled a six inch hatpin out of her hat and jabbed it into his posterior. Brown jumped to his feet, and shouted out "Good God Almighty!!" The minister thought to himself, "Hmmm. I guess he wasn't sleeping after all." A short time later, Mr. Brown was sawing logs again, and again the minister threw a question at him. "Who lived and died for us two thousand years ago? Mr. Brown, would you tell me?" Out came the hatpin and into Brown's fanny. "Jesus Christ," he yelled, jumping up once more. And again, the minister thought, "He really does seem to be listening." Ten or fifteen minutes go by (this minister was terribly long- winded), and Brown drifts off again. The minister thinks to himself, "I'm going to ask a REALLY hard question this time." And aloud he says, "Who can tell me what Eve said to Adam after she gave birth to their 42nd child? Mr. Brown!" This time the hatpin was jabbed in to its full length, Brown leaped to his feet and shouted out," If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'm gonna break it off!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- One day Burt Reynolds and the Pope died at the same time. Burt went to heaven and the Pope went to hell. About three hours later they finally straightened it out. As the Pope was going to heaven and Burt was going to hell they met half way. The Pope says to Burt "I'm glad they finally got this straightened out I have always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary!" Burt says "Well, you're 2 and 1/2 hours too late!!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- What type of meat do priests eat on Friday? Nun. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A missionary was working with a cannibal tribe, trying to convert them to Jesus. One day the cannibal chief's wife gives birth to an albino baby. Convinced the missionary had something to do with it, the chief comes storming up to him yelling blue murder and ready to light the cooking fire. The missionary tries to calm him down: "Listen chief, God works in mysterious ways; see all the white sheep on the hill?" "Yes" "And see the one little black sheep?" The chief looks thunderstruck and turns to the missionary: "OK, You no tell, I no tell!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A Southern Preacher was giving his weekly sermon, this week the subject was Ghosts. The preacher asked the congregation, "Have any of you ever had an experience with a ghost??" A man in the back stood up and said, "I have, yup..." The preacher asked, "Can you explain your experience?" The man said, "Sex!!" The preacher was shocked to hear this..He ask the man.. "You had SEX with a GHOST??" The man replied..."GHOSTS???... I thought you said GOATS!!!!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you heard how the angel came to be on the top of the Christmas tree? Well it happened this way: One frosty Christmas Eve, Santa was really late getting started on his rounds. His reindeer had been off their food, and it seems just everything was behind schedule. The elves were bustling to load his sleigh, and all were relieved when they heard, "This is the last bag, Santa." Santa donned his hat and mitts, jumped onto the sleigh, and heartily got started on his way with, "On Dasher, On Dancer - - - - " As his team surged forward there was an ominous crack, and Santa had to stop immediately. On checking the harness and rigging he discovered that the singletree was broken, and he got down to fix it. Before he got up from the snow, the last reindeer's stomach cramps turned into uncontrollable diarrhea, and poor Santa was covered. At just this moment, a dear little angel rushed up to Santa, with a Christmas tree in her arms, and lisped cheerily, "Where would you like me to put this tree, Santa?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- These two nuns were talking in the convent. One nun whispered to the other, "Did you hear that there is a case of syphilis going around?" The other nun replied, "Oh, good! I was getting a little tired of the Chablis!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get into heaven you must answer a question." Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" She says, "Oh that's easy, that was Adam." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven. So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman on earth?" She says "Oh that's easy that was Eve." Same thing happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven. So Saint Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard one." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Three couples are getting ready to join the Catholic church. One couple is in their 70's, one in their 50's and the third in their 20's. They have completed all of their classes when the priest walks in and says, "You have all done very well. There is just one more test you must take before you can be welcomed into the Catholic church. You must abstain from sex for two weeks. We will meet back here in two weeks and see how you did." Well, two weeks go by, and they meet again. The priest comes in and walks up to the couple in their 70's and asks, "How did it go for you?" The old man looks at the priest and says, "Fine, just fine, no problem at all". "Welcome to the Catholic Church", replies the priest. The priest then asks the same question of the couple in their 50's. The man replies, "Well, father, the first week was no problem, but we were tempted near the end of the second week, but we managed to abstain." "Welcome to the Catholic church", smiled the priest. Finally, the priest approaches the couple in their 20's and asks them how it went. The guy looks at his wife, and then the priest and says, "Look father, I have to be honest. The first couple of days were no problem, but each day after, our lust grew and grew, until one day, she was bending over the freezer picking out something for dinner, and I lifted up the back of her skirt and nailed her right there!" The priest gasps in shock and then says, "Well, I'm sorry, but you are not welcome in the Catholic church!" "That's O.K.", replies the man, "We're not welcome back in Krogers anymore either!" -----------------------------------------------------------