From: mmcalees@csr.UVic.CA (Michael McAleese) Date: 20 Jun 92 20:48:54 GMT Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.archives Subject: COLUMN: Sauramud's Advice Column #2 Once again "Those Dudes" proudly present the prolific pontifications of Sauramud the Wizard, culled from the pages of the _Wizard Weekly News_ for your enjoyment! As always, keep those cards and letters coming. If you are a beginning wizard and have a question, why not send it in to mmcalees@csr.uvic.ca? Aside from the obvious waste of bandwidth, that is. Ahem. ************************************************************************* Sauramud's Advice Column for Young Wizardlings Issue #2 ************************************************************************* Dear Sauramud: I'm not one to poke fun at the misfortunes of others, but whenever someone else in the party dies I make fun of them incessantly. What can I do to change? The other party members are talking about gagging me, which would play hell with spellcasting. Signed: Not one to talk Dear N.O.T.T.: The problem here is that your party just doesn't appreciate you as a wizard - heck, you're the hardest working of that ugly lot and they rag on you because you get a little chuckle when one of them bites the big one? Let's see if THEY can laugh when they have to spend hours and hours every day pouring over a blurry spell book with crinkled pages while everybody else only has to polish his pig-sticker and pick the dead bits out of his armour. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Sauramud: No matter how hard I try to disguise myself as a mage, every big ugly monster our party meets immediately spots me as a magic- user and directs most of their energy to dropping me fast. Needless to say I wind up buying the farm every second adventure. The rest of the group is tired of shelling out for raise dead spells, and my health isn't what it used to be. Do you have any tips? Signed: Visibly Frustrated Dear Frustrated: It's the unwritten law kid, everybody can peg a wizard! All you can do is learn to use the rest of the party more to your advan- tage. Hide behind the fighter and shout things like "Hey big ugly mon- ster - the thief over there says your momma dresses you funny!" Get in the habit of placing inanimate objects between yourself and the monster; trees, rocks, dwarves - whatever's handy. Since most monsters are even more stupid than a paladin you can sometimes deflect their wrath away from yourself by appearing harmless. Try saying something like "Gosh! I wish now that I hadn't USED UP ALL OF MY SPELLS for today already!" Then when it's scratching it's big ugly head give it a lightning bolt up the schnauz! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Sauramud: I realize this is a little out of your usual column range, but I need some advice. I'm a crow, and the familiar of a certain wizard who shall remain nameless. My problem is that he tends to forget about my very existence and treat me like I don't exist (aside from the extra hit points he gets!) I haven't been fed for weeks. When I signed up for this job, no one told me room and board wasn't included! What can I do to make him notice me? Signed: Fading Fast Dear Fading Fast: You mean some other poor sot got stuck with a CROW for a familiar? Couldn't get something really neat like a quasit, or a brownie! Must have been Lawful Good - were always getting it up the backside in the rules aren't we? I know one poor sot who got a halibut - the rest of the party filleted it when he went back to the Wizards Guild to complain. Now take my lay-about familiar Whatsisname the cro. . . wait a minute! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Sauramud: I can't figure out all this new selection we wizards are allowed. Should I specialize in a sphere or not? And what ever happened to the days of one profession for all? Signed: Uncertain Dear Uncertain: Real wizards don't need spheres! Back in my time we used to get up every morning, rain or shine, pull on the ol' pointy hat and knuckle down to some serious study of the spell book. We didn't worry about wimpy things like 'specialization'. We were real men dammit - there was none of this namby pamby I-only-do-spells-dealing-with-kelp. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Sauramud: Is it considered bad form to cast _charm_person_ on the other members of the party to cut down on useless chitchat? I mean, they'd just do what I advised anyway, right? After all, I am chaotic evil. I gotta have some fun. Signed: Puzzled About Protocol Dear PAP: You're chaotic evil and you're worried about protocol? Would that I had such problems! Charm them all you want - heck, if you're going to do that why not just polymorph the lot of them into gorgeous babes too so you can have some fun after they're charmed! And whoever said there weren't any perks to being a wizard? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Sauramud: What's the best place to cast Find Familiar at? What the best kind of familiar to have? Signed: Lonely Apprentice Seeking Furry Friend Dear L.A.S.F.F.: In a word, DON'T! Have you considered all of the ramifications of a familiar? You're just going to have to feed it and groom it and for what? A little roving target with your name on it! If you're really lonely for furry friendship I know a monk in town who rents out sheep by the hour. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well that's all for this installment folks. As always, send _your_ questions for Sauramud to mmcaleese@csr.uvic.ca. "Sauramud's Advice Column" is written by David Braun (David_Braun@panam.wimsey.bc.ca) and Michael McAleese (mmcalees@csr.uvic.ca), A.K.A. "Those Dudes".