From: mmcalees@csr.UVic.CA (Michae l McAleese) Date: 20 Jun 92 20:49:26 GMT Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.archives Subject: COLUMN: Sauramud's Advice Column #4 Once again, culled from the pages of the _Wizard Weekly News_ comes the latest installment of Saruamud the wizard's advice column. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sauramud's Advice Column for Young Wizardlings Issue #4 --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Readers, I would like to comment on the disturbing trends I have noticed in the spell component market since the guild recently deregulated sales. I have noticed that some magic shops are shrink-wrapping components from some lesser spells with more common ingredients in order to facilitate the movement of older stock. It seems that one cannot buy a glass rod for his Lightning Bolt spell these days without also picking up several crystal beads for Leomond's Tiny Hut! Anyway, ol' Sauramud's been away enjoying the sun for a couple of weeks and look at all the mail that piled up during that time. First question: --- Sauramud, I'm an Archmage Wild Mage, (very lucky mage) and I've been having a problem. Our party is out hunting Dragons (evil ones, of course, they're richer) and the rest of the party is threatening to kill me. I know I've been having a lot of wild surges recently, but the party is all still alive! (partly because i'm a dual-class cleric) I've seen the thief getting some arrows of mage-slaying from the local temple, and the cleric is trying to get a quest spell so he can take me out. What can I do to get these idiots to recognize that I'm needed! Fizzle the Wonder Mage (People wonder why I'm called Fizzle. After I cast a spell, they wonder how I can call myself a Mage.) Dear Fizzle, It sounds like you need one of those new 'Charm Party' spells that the guild research boys are working on. It boosts the collective intelligence of the party to slightly larger than the volume of their codpiece and makes them appreciate having a functioning mage in their midst. As for the thief - well I've never been one to trust any character who can climb walls (monks included). I would just remind him that newts don't fire arrows. --- O Great and Mighty Sauramud, My Teacher died last week. Ever since then, I haven't been able to get an apprenticeship with *anyone*! I keep telling them it wasn't my fault that the bat guano was mis-labeled. How can I get some spells on my own without getting chased down by a bunch of mad monsters? (Last scroll I got was from an orc den) Spell-less 'Prentice Dear Spell-less Funny you should mention that, I lost more teachers that way. To my mind teaching just doesn't pay enough, and doesn't offer the same retirement benefits that adventuring does. You don't really need a teacher to learn magic anyway - most of those formulae you have to memorize are just for show, put in there to weed out the deadwood. If you need to learn a spell buy the scroll. If you can't afford it, team up with some big dumb fighter with more money than brains (most) and talk him into buying the scroll for you. It worked for me. Make sure you avoid the chaotic evil types though, they tend to get all bent outa shape by accidents like the one that did in your teacher. --- Dear Sauramud, I recently cast a find familiar spell, expecting something nice and furry and warm, but all I got was Disneyworld T-Shirt with a picture of a large humanoid with batlike wings. So my question is now that I've got my own private armada of spelljammers, I want to go to the Disney sphere and get this magic castle since it would probably have lots of warm furry familiars and ... Sincerely, Munchkin Mousekateer Dear Munchkin Mousekateer, Ah, well your problem is that the mage who sold you the 'Find Familiar' spell ripped you off and sold you the 'Find Cartoon Familiar' spell instead. You are not the first person to get taken in by this familiar scam. Many is the wizard who has bemoaned 'I cast a Find Familiar spell and all I got was this lousy tee shirt'. Of course, most copies of this spell were hunted down and destroyed by the infamous evil wizard Darthon "Betty Boop" Deathrage. Just a thought, if you have a private armada of spelljammers why do you need a familiar? --- Dear Sauramud I have a problem. I'm a relatively high level magic-user in party of fighter types (barbarian, fighter-thief, you know the type) Now, the problem stems from the fact that when we encounter a Horrible Opponent, or several of them, they rush right into battle and start hacking around. But in order for me to gain levels and get new goodies and spells, I need to take out Bad Guys. So I sometimes, knowing the disgusting amount of hit points they have, let loose a fireball or two. This, as you can imagine, does not go over well at all. The've been complaining that I cause more damage to them than the (deceased) enemy, do less work, and gain more experience. The arguments that the Umber Hulk/Ancient Dragon/Whatever would have turned them into dog food had I not spread it across the dungeon or that they only lost half their hit points only makes them bitch more. They snicker at claims to years of academic training. The lightning bolt threat seems to work, but my alignment is Good so I think even the fighter might figure that one out after a bit. What should I do? No Respect Dear No Respect, This is one of the most frequent complaints I get from fellow wizards. The letters always start out the same; "The fighter doesn't like me because..." "The cleric thinks I'm evil because..." "The thief keeps stealing my spell book because..." You've got to assert yourself. Rap the big ugly fighter on the side of his kettle helm with your quarterstaff and say "Of course you got singed by my Fireball - you were supposed to! Why do you think you have a ten sided hit die to my measly four? Just be glad that you're here to bitch mindlessly about it and not being digested by that chartreuse dragon I killed with with it!" When this intelligent commentary is ignored (sigh), you need to resort to more subtle tactics. Divert their attention by accusing the thief of snitching a gem or two from the beastie's treasure before anyone could get to it (don't worry about lying - statistically speaking every adventuring thief pulls this one sooner or later. If they are innocent this time, they probably got away with it in the past!) --- Dear Sauramud: I am but a measly 3rd level mage, but I have big dreams. I have been thinking about that day in the future when I get to be powerful enough to have the WISH spell. But I really got to wondering about it, and a nagging question just popped up in my brain. If a WISH ages the caster five years each time he casts one, then an idiotic mage would soon be nothing but a shriveled old coot. But a smart mage (like me) ought to know to have his third (or so) wish worded so as to un-age himself and restore his youth. Ha ha! Boy am I smart! Am I the only one who ever thought of this? If so, can I patent it or something? Are there ways to sell great ideas like this to wizards' guilds? Please tell me, I've just got to know!! Signed, Wishy Dear Wishy, The closest every mage I have ever know got to having a Wish spell was wishing that he had one! I wouldn't worry too much about it. Statistically speaking you have a far better chance of having the BIG DUMB FIGHTER in your group clock you in the head with his backswing, or getting eaten by a gelatinous cube long before you ever get to a high enough level for a Wish spell. As for the Wish spell aging you five years - hogwash! That's only a rumour started because by the time a mage gets powerful enough to cast a Wish spell he is ALREADY AN OLD MAN! Do you know what he wishes for then? He says "I wish I had retired when I was younger and started a harem." As for getting credit for an idea, whatever you do *don't* go to the guild and tell the aging lot of syphiltic morons there about it. Either they'll dismiss it as nonsense or steal it for themselves. Send it to me instead, care of the _Wizard Weekly News_, so I can evaluate it for possible worth. A warning though, sometimes my backlog of mail gets sooooo large that I don't get around to sending a response for, oh, say ten years or so. --- Dear High and Mighty Wizard Sauramud, I get no respect from these doofs. I mean, I save their butts with timely spells and useful tidbits of information witheld until the last possible moment. But what do they remember? The time that I nearly managed to kill them all by starting a chain reaction in an alchemy lab. I mean _I_ knew what I was doing, how was I supposed to know that the fool who ran the place mislabeled his reactive salts? How can a wizard get the respect he deserves? -- Roderick "Lightning Rod" Stoffleheim Dear Roderick, 'High and Mighty Wizard Sauramud'. Hm, I like that. Okay folks, new rule here; from now on when you write to me for advice please preface your letter with 'High and Mighty Wizard Sauramud'. Has a nice ring to it don't you think? Better yet, how about 'Magnaminous Mage of High Repute' or 'Wonderous Wizard Whose Naga Hide Boots I Am Unworthy To Kiss'. Ya see? That's the kind of respect our noble profession should demand! None of this whining about 'the wizard just brought down the dungeon roof on us with his Lightning Bolt spell again'. Problem is most adventurers just don't know when they've got it good! A few of them die because of your actions? Well shit happens you know - it's a constant learning experience being a mage, and it's not up to the other cry babies in the party to stunt your wizardly development. Wizards get an unfair rep as the ones who wipe out entire adventuring groups by their actions when really, it's the other party members that pull this stunt. If I had a copper piece for ever story about boneheaded actions by warriors, rouges and priests I'd be a lot closer to buying that wand of lightning bolts I've got my eye on. Typically you come across some horrendous beastie that has no magical worth whatsoever and is placidly wandering around without bothering you, the party is mostly banged up and wounded, and what does the ranger do? "I pull out my bow and shoot!" Or you ride over a hill and see half a dozen ogres minding their own business off to one side of the road and what does the fighter do? "Charge!" Or my personal favorite, when confronted by a powerful nasty that could slaughter the lot of you on a whim, what does the thief do? "I hide in the shadows, sneak up behind it, and backstab!" --- Dear Saramund: If a person has Invisibility, Invisibility to Animals, Invisibility to Undead, Non-Detection, Mind Blank, Silence: 15' Radius, and Wraithform cast on him, does he cease to exist? I've just read a story about a cat owned by a mage named Shrewdinger, and I'm a little scared... Signed, Abby Jurer Dear Abby, Now that's an interesting idea. I think I will try that on a monk I know and see what happens. As for Shrewdinger's cat, I hear he used to keep it in a little box so nobody could actually prove if it existed or not anyway - on a side note, this is not the proper way to treat a familiar. The proper way is to bundle the little beggar into a cage and leave it back at the tower - sure you can't use it for spying, but at least you don't have to worry about the dang thing getting et by a troll. --- Dear Sauramud, I am a poor studious mage, who had to associate with 'adventurers' due to money problems. At first it was alright, I got enough money to buy spells. But then I got to fifth level and found that new spells cost lots of money. The money I get from the party just isn't enough (All the fighters do is buy ale with it). So I decided to charge the party for everytime I cast magic. When I did, the fighter threatend to "Stick my sword so far up your arse that you will die from brain damage, you weak, poofy, no-hoper, feather faller". What can I do to convince them that I need more money???? Signed "Poor" Dear Poor, I wouldn't worry too much. Unless your fighter is somehow atypical of the genre he wouldn't be able to find your arse anyway! What you have to do is start spiking their drinks with belladonna and convince them that they are having guilt reactions from the ale for not giving more money to you. If you can scrape up enough money for a Lightning Bolt then the next time your party heads out of town tell the fighter, "I'm really upset that I don't have enough money for that Invisibility ten feet spell. I hope I don't get all flustered and cast this lightning bolt spell at the wrong time during combat - say, did I ever tell you that metal armour is a GREAT conductor?" If you can't find a Lightning Bolt spell within your budget, some magic shops have been running specials on the Suggestion spell this month. Cast that baby on the fighters and they will be putty in your hands. Keep the suggestions simple (because most fighters are fairly simple). "Say, isn't this 'Sell Your Magic Sword and Give the Money to the Wizard Week'?" --- Dear Sauramud, how can a pissy 2nd level human mage beat the living crap out of a 1st level human paladin with 18(98) strength??? placebo Dear Placebo, Just because you can't beat him up physically doesn't mean you can't reduce him to emotional Jello. Remember, you are a wizard and thus many many times more intelligent than a paladin. Sleep him from behind the next time he is guzzling back a lager and let him wake up in a public brothel and wonder how he got there. Sleep him whilst he is at church and let him explain afterward to the high priest why the vigilant temple warrior was snoring loudly during the sermon. Have flowers delivered to his room at the inn with a card reading 'Love and Kisses, Grog the Anti-Paladin'. It's easy to toy with the minds of most paladins because they generally have only one or two functioning brain cells. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well that's all for this installment folks. As always, send _your_ questions for Sauramud to mmcaleese@csr.uvic.ca. "Sauramud's Advice Column" is written by David Braun (David_Braun@panam.wimsey.bc.ca) and Michael McAleese (mmcalees@csr.uvic.ca), A.K.A. "Those Dudes". Contributors of "letters to Sauramud" were: Silk (twice!) boyd@colonial.eecs.umich.edu (Eric Boyd) Chris Beauregard tmiller@prism.gatech.edu (Thomas Miller) dkfenger@sirius (David Fenger) heath@anchor.as.utexas.edu (James Heath) anaylor@mihi.une.oz.au (Adam Naylor) jfaulkne@mihi.une.oz.au (placebo bass)