The Wizard of Smaug Copyright Bruce Norman, 1992 All rights reserved Chapter 1 -------------------- Teflour stroked his two foot long white beard absentmindedly with his gnarled right hand. He gazed across the table at the boy who had come to see him. Perrywinkle was his name, and he was here to beg for the right of apprenticeship. He was short, barely five feet tall, and very skinny. His hair was messy, his clothes filthy, and he smelt vaguely of dung. "Do you know what it means to be a wizard, Perrywinkle?" asked Teflour. His mottled green eyes twinkling like the drool on the tongue of an alcoholic spotting a bottle of rum. "Not really sir, but I thought I'd give it a shot just the same." Teflour nodded to himself. The lad was much like he has been as a boy. The ranks of wizardry were filled with men who weren't sure what they were doing there. "Why do you want to be a wizard Perrywinkle?" asked Teflour. His wrinkled nose began to twitch. He absentmindedly coughed up a ball of phlegm, and spat it into the fireplace. He would have to cut down on that chewing tobacco, it would be the death of him. "Well sir" said Perrywinkle, his young tanned face taking on a look of seriousness. "All my life I've wanted to make something of myself. I want to make this land a better place. I want to become a magician so I can use my magic for the good of the people, and protect the land of Smaug from its enemies." "Rubbish" snapped Teflour and got slowly to his feet. "I haven't seen such rubbish spewed forth in here since Mew had that hairball problem." He paused to affectionately kick his cat. was Mew's telepathic reply. Teflour sighed. People wondered why wizards never married. Why should they? Teflour didn't want to be married; he already received far too much nagging from his infernal cat. "It's not Rubbish sir, I really do want to help people, really!" spoke Perrywinkle in earnest. Teflour snarled at him. "Then get out! I'll have no liars for my apprentices, at least not one who can't even fool a senile old wizard such as myself! You're far too honest boy; your lips are twitching like you've got a scorpion in your shorts. Now speak the truth, or begone!" "Well" said Perrywinkle, slowly and reluctantly, "actually I just want to blow things up." "What?" asked Teflour. His jaw stretched in amazement. his eyelids snapped open like shutters. A tear slithered out of his left eye, and bravely dripped down the maze-like crevices of his face. "You just want to blow things up?" "Yes sir" admitted Perrywinkle ashamedly. He gazed frantically at his worn boots. "Here I am," droned Teflour, "the greatest wizard in the entire land of Smaug. I hold interviews for the position of apprentice, a position which I only offer once every thirty years, and they send me a boy who wants to blow things up?" "Well, yes sir" said Perrywinkle. "I'm rather small as you can see. The other boys are always beating me up, and making fun of my name, you know how it is. I was rather hoping to become a wizard so I could turn them all into newts, or blast them with gouts of flame, do you know what I mean sir?" "Marvelous!" said Teflour. He laughed and grabbed Perrywinkle's hand and pumped it frantically up and down. "In all my years as Court Wizard of Smaug I have yet to have an applicant such as yourself. They've all been smarmy little royal brats, or misguided do gooders. Never has one spoken to me with such honesty, or embraced such a noble cause!" "Pardon?" asked Perrywinkle, glancing about nervously. His arm was growing sore from Teflour's violent shaking. "I've always been rather partial to blowing things up myself" admitted Teflour, a glazed look crossing his eyes. Perrywinkle looked at him nervously, wondering if he was about to have a fit. "Always as a child, I wanted to blow things up. Cows, trees, rocks, salmon, you know the sort." "Salmon?" asked Perrywinkle somewhat confusedly. "Oh yes, many times I've wished to blow up a salmon, perhaps even the Salmon, that's why I became a wizard! But the old fool who was my master, Court Wizard Snefleur, was one of those peaceful sorts. He taught me only boring spells to cure blight, and remove the stomach ailments of sheep. Garbunk! All a bunch of Garbunk!" Teflour sighed wistfully., "It wasn't until I became Court Wizard, after Snefleur finally drowned himself in his cauldron, that I was able to learn to blow things up!" Teflour's demented smile curled into a mask of sorrow. "But by then, it was too late. You see boy, blowing things up requires great concentration, skill, and effort. You need to be young and strong. Young so that you can fully master the great spells of blowing things up, strong so your body can stand the stress of unleashing such powerful magic." Perrywinkle looked down at his own scrawny limbs. "I'm not exactly built like a horse sir" he said. "Nonsense" said Teflour. "Compared to me you're an Atlas. I'm completely worn out from kicking old Mew there!" Mew snarled and spat at him. "Does this mean I've got the job then?" asked Perrywinkle excitedly. "I may study under you, and master the art of wizardry?" "Why not? You can start tomorrow, but be careful, wizardry is a one way street my boy: once you become one of us, you can never return to the old ways." "Oh I don't want to return to the old ways sir, I want to be a wizard!" Teflour looked at Perrywinkle suspiciously. "Oh, and to blow things up of course!" Teflour smiled. Perrywinkle rose, bowed, and returned home to break the good news to his father. --- "You what?" asked Perrywinkle's father, Toluene. Toluene was a large man, a rotund man, red faced and rough. His voice carried a heavy accent. He had never revealed its origins to his son. Toluene never told Perrywinkle much of anything. "Are you daft Perrywinkle? What did you think you were doing? Apprentice to Teflour the wizard? Why didn't you just sign up as a target for the King's archers?" "But father, pleaded Perrywinkle, "I want to be a wizard! I don't want to be work as a dung farmer for the rest of my life!" "Are you a bloody loon? Collecting dung is honest, respectable work!" Toluene, shook a meaty finger in Perrywinkle's face. "Not like wizardry. Perrywinkle. Perrywinkle, wizardry? Why don't you just become one of prince Humperdink's private courtiers? Its a more respectable position!" Perrywinkle shivered, rumors abounded of the 'services' prince Humperdink required of his courtiers. "But father" argued Perrywinkle. "It is a great honor. Only one boy in all the kingdom is chosen every thirty years to become the Court Wizard's apprentice!" "And how many others were there to apply for the position?" asked Toluene. "Well, none..." "Exactly! Haven't you heard what's been said of old Teflour, Perrywinkle? They say he's gone soft in the head. He's been mumbling and giggling in court lately, talking about blowing things up. Some say the King's going to arrange to have him drowned in his cauldron so Lord Bluetspur can take over!" Perrywinkle shivered, Lord Bluetspur was Smaug's Associate Wizard, second only to Court Wizard Teflour. He had a rather nasty reputation. If the rumors were true, Lord Bluetspur was responsible for the disappearance of dissidents. Apparently, these disappearances had been rather nasty too. Pentagrams, demons, and other such troublesome things were involved. "Well I have faith in him" lied Perrywinkle, his lower lip twitching wildly. "He didn't seem the least bit senile to me!" "Forget the danger then, death is the least of your worries if you become a wizard! You're a normal young lad, aren't you?" Toluene gazed worriedly at Perrywinkle for a moment. "Haven't you heard of the dread fourth vow of Wizardry?" "I've heard of the vows of Wizardry," responded Perrywinkle, "but there are only three. A wizard must swear to serve the land, serve the people, serve the king..." "Yes, yes, yes" said Toluene impatiently. "Those are the standard three vows, but there is also the dreaded and secret fourth vow!" "Fourth vow?" asked Perrywinkle. What's that." Toluene looked around, worriedly. When he was sure no one could hear him, he bent over and whispered in Perrywinkle's ear. "No nookey." "What?" asked Perrywinkle confusedly. Toluene looked at him as if he was insane. "Do I have to spell it out for you?" he asked. Perrywinkle just stood there, confused. "It means that you can never take a woman." "Take her where?" asked Perrywinkle. "Come on boy, you know don't you, haven't you ever watched the sheep?" "Well of course I've...oh." Perrywinkle's face took on the deep red shade particular to boiled crustaceans. "Ah you've got it now," said his father. "Think carefully before you put on your pointy hat my boy. No nookey. Not now, not ever. Oh those wizards are a strange lot. Spend most of their time looking at pictures of naked elves I wouldn't wonder.... It's not the life of a man Perrywinkle. You may be scrawny, short, and homely, but just you wait until all this dung is yours!" He spread his arms. "Women will flock to you like flies to rotting meat!" "But father..." whined Perrywinkle, his conviction somewhat shaken. "Think about it boy" said Toluene. "You can go hang around a bunch of senile old men dressed in strange hats and long robes, or you can stay here and live a happy prosperous life selling dung!" "Dung..." mumbled Perrywinkle. He hated Dung. "I don't care!" he yelled. He reached over and poked Toluene's ample stomach. "I'm going to be a wizard, and not all the dung in the world is going to keep me here! Damn you! And damn your dung too!" "What..." whispered Toluene in shock. He was overcome with surprise, frozen in place. Perrywinkle had always been such a quiet, snivelling, weak boy. Where had this new strength come from? What possibly could have inspired Perrywinkle to develop a backbone? Show some gumption? Toluene smiled, there was only one thing to do. He reached out his hands, grabbed Perrywinkle by the neck, and began to throttle him. "Don't let me ever hear you speak badly of dung! Dung is what bought you those clothes! Dung is what keeps you fed at night! All you have and all you are you owe to dung!" "I'm sorry father" squeaked Perrywinkle "I didn't mean to damn your dung." Toluene stopped his throttling, but his hands remained firmly clasped on Perrywinkle's neck. I wonder what he'd look like as a newt, thought Perrywinkle. "Now Perrywinkle," said Toluene kindly, "I want to hear you tell me something. "I want to hear you say 'I don't want to be a wizard. I want to sell dung like my dear old dad.' Say it quick, or I might just have to snap your neck." "I don't want to be a wizard. I want to sell dung like my dear old dad" lied Perrywinkle quickly. His lip twitched violently. Luckily his dad was too enraged to notice, or didn't care. "Good boy" said Toluene, somewhat calmed and relieved. He dropped Perrywinkle to the floor with a loud thump. "Now go out and see to the dung. Oltack the goose breeder has just dropped off a large shipment." Perrywinkle shivered, he hated goose dung. He hated all dung, but he really hated goose dung. "Yes father" he said, and dutifully left. He didn't go around to the front though. He didn't unload old Oltack's dung. Instead he made the most important decision of his life -- he decided to run away from home. Scurrying off to his little loft in the barn, right over the sheep dung area, Perrywinkle quickly made himself a bundle of his least dung stained clothing. Packing only such essentials as Baa Baa his stuffed sheep. Within seconds, Perrywinkle was ready to begin his new life. As he proudly snuck out the back gate, he swore he would never return. A few minutes later he decided he would return, when he was a wizard, so he could blow the place up.