The Wizard of Smaug
             Copyright Bruce Norman, 1992
                 All rights reserved



                      Chapter 6 

                 --------------------

    "They are, uhm, very nice" said Perrywinkle, his 
lip twitching violently.  He held in his arms a 
silvery black tent and some sort of funnel shaped 
bag.  He smiled weakly at Alaesha. 
    "Are you not planning to try them on?" asked 
Alaesha, tapped her foot impatiently.  "I spent a 
great deal of time making you that hat and robe, Lord 
Perrywinkle." 
    "Uh, all right then" said Perrywinkle nervously.  
Which way is up he wondered, turning the tent-robe 
over and over in his hands.  Alaesha's idea of 
strange symbols seemed to be limited to circles, 
stars, and fish.  "Perhaps you had better leave the 
room" he said brightly, pulling off his shirt. 
    "Oh silly Perrywinkle" said Alaesha smiling and 
slapping him in the face.  "When you were asleep I 
dressed you, and bathed you, and wiped your bottom 
when..." 
    "Yes, yes," interrupted Perrywinkle, "but I have 
taken certain vows.  If you were to be in the room 
while I was changing, it could lead to unsightly 
rumors which would not befit the Court Wizard of 
Smaug!" 
    "Oh very well," pouted Alaesha prettily.  She 
turned and left the room. 
    "Where on earth did the Arch Bishop find her?"  
Asked Perrywinkle, addressing Mew. 
    <What on earth do you mean, fool.  She's a 
perfect nice girl.> 
    "But she's so strange" said Perrywinkle.  She 
keeps slapping me and poking me.  And she brought 
me....this!"  He held out the tent-robe and bag-hat 
which Alaesha had lovingly made him. 
    <Stop your whining and put it on>, ordered Mew.  
<The robe is meant to thwart a legal technicality, 
not to make you a fashionable>.  Being a fashion 
symbol in Smaug wasn't all that great anyway, as the 
currently fashions mostly consisted of a shapeless 
tunics made out of burlap. 
    Perrywinkle struggled into the robes which 
Alaesha had made for him.  He managed to find the arm 
holes, all three of them.  He pulled the hat onto his 
head.  Its point drooped down below his ears. 
    "Are you done, lord Perrywinkle?" came Alaesha's 
melodious enquirey. 
    "I fear I am done, you may come in."  Alaesha 
slithered into the room. 
    "Oh Perrywinkle, you look so darling in those 
robes!" 
    "I look like a sack of oddly shaped vegetables" 
was Perrywinkle's reply.  It was true, he did look 
rather ridiculous.  Even Mew snickered occasionally 
as Perrywinkle walked about the room, the end of his 
robe trailing two feet behind him.  "But at least I'm 
keeping the floor clean.  Do you think, perhaps, that 
its a tad too large for me Alaesha?" 
    "Oh don't be silly" said Alaesha, dismissing his 
comment.  "You'll grow into it.  Baggy is the style 
of the year anyway."  In the back of her mind though, 
even Alaesha had to admit that Perrywinkle did 
resemble a bag of oddly shaped carrots.  A silvery 
black bag, with lots of little circles, stars and 
fish stitched on the bag, but a bag of carrots all 
the same. 
    "And what about this hat?" asked Perrywinkle, 
moaning slightly.  "It's not straight at all.  A 
Wizard's hat is supposed to, you know, stand up by 
itself, not flop over your shoulder."  Perrywinkle 
took the hat off and stared at it.  "And its got 
little ducks on it, the Court Wizard shouldn't be 
seen wearing a hat with little yellow ducks on it." 
    "Well I'm sorry," snapped Alaesha, I ran out of 
the black and silvery cloth, so I used old baby 
clothes to make your hat.  We'll stuff it with 
something to make it stand up, don't you worry." 
    "I'm doomed," moaned Perrywinkle.  He felt oddly 
comfortable now being suicidally depressed.  He 
supposed it was somewhat like alcoholism.  He had 
become so used to his current state of mind that he 
didn't feel quite right when he wasn't considering 
killing himself.  "Lord Bluetspur will laugh me right 
to the gallows." 
    <You mean the heap of burning sticks>, 
interjected Mew helpfully. 
    Alaesha began to sniffle. 
    "I'm doomed, doomed, doomed.  Oh why did I have 
to become a wizard? Why couldn't I have stayed home 
and been a dung farmer.  Did I think I was too good 
for dung? I wish I was home rutting in the old dung 
heap with father's pigs." 
    Alaesha began to cry. 
    <Stop whining you fool, look what you've gone and 
done>. 
    "What?" asked Perrywinkle, too self absorbed with 
his own plight to notice Alaesha's condition. 
    <You've gone and made that nice wit...I mean 
girl...cry.  Now go and apologize to her.  You're as 
whiney and insensitive as that fool Bluetspur!> 
    "Oh, I'm sorry Alaesha" said Perrywinkle, sitting 
beside her on his bed and putting his arm around her 
shoulder.  "I like the robe, I really do!" 
    Alaesha sniffed, and blew her nose loudly on 
Perrywinkle's sleeve.  "And the hat? Do you like it? 
Do the ducks bother you?" 
    "No, not at all" responded Perrywinkle.  His lip 
vibrated up and down, twitching as if it was 
suffering an extremely localized epileptic seizure.  
"I like ducks, I really do! Almost as much as I 
like...geese." 
    <Perrywhipple, alert!> Came Mew's psychic cry.  
<Lord Bluetspur approaches!> 
    "What?" screamed Perrywinkle, "I haven't found 
myself a bloody cat yet! Mew, please, I'm begging 
you, become my familiar!" 
    <It isn't that simple, Pennywhistle.  A wizard's 
familiar must always remain loyal to her wizard.  
Though Teflour is dead, I shall always be his, and 
only his, familiar.> 
    "There must be something I can do! Alaesha, do 
you have a cat?" 
    "We've only got old Gusvas" said Alaesha, still 
sniffling a little.  "Mother just boiled him so he's 
probably won't be going anywhere for a few days."  A 
loud rapping came on the door. 
    "Open in the name of the King".  Perrywinkle 
whimpered.  Alaesha got up, and slowly moved to open 
the door. 
    <Quickly, take off your robes!> mentally yelled 
Mew.  Perrywinkle, panicking insanely, did as Mew 
commanded.  <You should consider wearing other 
clothes under your robes, but no time for that! Kick 
them under the bed! And make sure your spellbook is 
with them!> 
    The banging on the door increased in intensity.  
Finally, the knocked stopped, and tried the door 
handle, finding the room unlocked.  The door creaked 
open slowly, revealing the sneering canine visage of 
Lord Bluetspur. 
    "So, Court Wizard Perrywinkle, we meet again!" 
Lord Bluetspur snarled and stepped into the room, 
looking at Perrywinkle in contempt.  "Naked eh? I'll 
wager you've got a sheep up here, and you're not 
trying to cure its stomach ailments!"  He looked 
about the room, his eyes settling on Alaesha.  "Or 
perhaps you don't need a sheep." 
    "We've done nothing" protested Perrywinkle. 
    "Put on some clothes boy," ordered Lord 
Bluetspur, evidently uninterested.  His eyes had 
focussed on something else: Mew.  "So foul cat, is 
this where you lurk now? Of course where else should 
I expect to find you? With a feeble minded Court 
Wizard as always!" 
    <Oh shut up Bluey.  And you shouldn't talk to 
Perrysnipple about sheep, I know more than you might 
think!> 
    "Arrrgh!" screamed Lord Bluetspur, evidently 
enraged.  "Foul cat, we shall see who laughs last.  
You had best run Mew, for when I am Court Wizard I 
shall feed you, one squirming still-alive piece at a 
time, to Froggy! Then we shall see how glib you are!"  
He reached down and pulled off one of his shoes, 
hurling it at Mew, who screeched and dodged, running 
up to Perrywinkle's window sill.  
    <We shall see who laughs last fool.  Teflour was 
the greatest magician this land has ever known.  He's 
taught me a few tricks of my own.> 
    Hissing, Mew leapt from the window sill. Lord 
Bluetspur ran to the window and looked down, Mew was 
nowhere to be seen.  It was a four story drop.  Lord 
Bluetspur broke out into a sweat.  Perhaps that cat 
was more dangerous than he thought. 
    Four storys below Mew lay bruised and battered in 
a small bush.  <Too bad Teflour didn't teach me to 
look before I leap>, she thought to herself. 
    "Come, boy," ordered Lord Bluetspur, "you must 
come with me."  Perrywinkle whimpered slightly as 
Lord Bluetspur grabbed him.  He was partially dressed 
now.  "It seems, noble Court Wizard, that someone is 
plotting to kill you.  We are placing you under 
protection, at the slothen jails.  Of course, you'll 
only stay there for twelve hours, for then you go on 
trial for treason.  Once you are convicted, you will 
be executed. 
    Perrywinkle tried to faint, but couldn't, he was 
too tired.