The Wizard of Smaug
             Copyright Bruce Norman, 1992
                 All rights reserved



                      Chapter 7 

                 --------------------

    "You're really quite lucky you know" said the 
broken-nosed man.  "I've been here thirty years, and 
I've got thirty more to go, but you get to leave in 
only twelve." 
    "No, you don't understand.  They're taking me out 
of here in twelve hours, not twelve years, and I am 
going to be killed immediately! Burned at the stake!" 
    "What I would give for a nice warm fire...." said
the broken-nosed man dreamilly.  "Marshmallows.  Do 
you think they'll roast marshmallows on you? I can 
see it now: little kiddies roasting marshmallows on 
me flaming leg.  That would be heaven, young lord, 
that would be heaven." 
    "I'm sure," said Perrywinkle, backing away 
slowly.
    "Don't mind him," said a very cheerful looking 
prisoner, "he gets that way sometimes."  Perrywinkle 
approached the cheerful prisoner cautiously.  He was 
shorter than Perrywinkle, perhaps only four feet 
tall, and had a wart on the side of his nose 
approximately the size of a grape. 
    "Hey there" said Perrywinkle, trying to sound 
tough, "what are you in for?" 
    "Oh a killed me wife" said the man.  "Beat her to 
death with a salmon." 
    Perrywinkle shuddered.  "You beat your wife to 
death with a salmon?" he asked, his voice somewhat 
strained.  The man nodded. 
    "I says to her 'Bess! This fish is too tough for 
man or beast! What're you tryin' to do, poison me?' 
Then she says to me 'shut up you oaf and eats your 
fish,' so I brained her with it, you know how it 
is...." 
    "How long is your sentence" asked Perrywinkle 
nervously. 
    "Oh life and 20 years" said the man calmly "not 
for the murder, of course, Lord Bluetspur pardoned me 
for that.  He's pardoned everyone except the tax 
evaders.  I'm here for my lack of payment of twelve 
coppers on my taxes of eight years ago." 
    "Oh," said Perrywinkle nervously, and backed 
away.  "Thanks for the chat, I think I'll go lie down 
in the dirt now."  Perrywinkle went over to a corner 
of the cell and sat down shivering.  His life, once 
again, seemed doomed.  He looked forward, with some 
relish, to being burned at the stake.  At least he 
knew what to expect.  First, the people would yell at 
him and call him nasty names.  Then they'd spit at 
him.  Then, they'd throw stones.  Then some guard 
would light the big bonfire, and the people would 
start cheering.  They'd chant "burn! burn! burn!" as 
the flames slowly crept towards him.  First the fire 
would playfully lick his toes, and then it would 
suddenly leap at him, and ignite his entire body.  
Then, his flesh would burn (he knew what that would 
feel like).  A few painful minutes later he'd be 
dead, and his troubles would be over.  Perrywinkle 
sighed; with his luck he'd be reincarnated. 

                         ---

    "Oh silly, silly Mew!" scolded Alaesha as she 
peeled Mew off the cobblestones.  "Dear silly Mew, 
pussy cats can not fly! Did cute little Mew see a 
birdie fly by and try to catch it? Mew scared mommy 
very much by jumping out the window like that! 
Promise mommy that kitty will never do that again, or 
mommy will be very very cross!" 
    <Be quiet you annoying witch> thought Mew 
angrily.  Alaesha did not react. 
    "Now hold still while I, oh dear, what does one 
do with a flattened cat? I could fluff you like a 
pillow, but I doubt that would work very well.  I'm 
very surprised you survived that fall; what a tough 
little kitten you must be." 
    <I'm sixty years old you bumbling witch.  I've 
given birth to over 300 kittens, believe me, this is 
nothing.  Now stop your fussing, I'll be fine, we 
must help Perrywaffle.> 
    "I bet what you want is a nice saucer of milk, 
and a warm fire to lie by.  That's what all good 
little kittens want, and you are a good little 
kitten, aren't you! Now wait here, mommy will go find 
you the sweetest saucer of milk, and the warmest 
hearth in all of Smaug!" 
    <Stop it stop it STOP IT!> thought-yelled Mew.  
<I know you're a witch, so stop pretending you can't 
hear my thoughts.> 
    Alaesha looked somewhat nervously at Mew. 
    "And a big fat mousy to chew on.  Yes, I shall 
get you a big fat mousy!" 
    <Stop playing the foolish female, I can see 
through your pale disguise.  You are the daughter of 
Croesha the witch.  Don't deny it, I know Croesha, 
she boiled my brother some fifty-seven years ago.  
Clumsiest witch I've ever met that Croesha...she must 
be on her twentieth familiar by now.> 
    "Thirty-eighth," admitted Alaesha reluctantly.  
"How did you know I was a witch?" 
    <We familiars can sense the aura of magic>, lied 
Mew.  Actually, Mew knew of Alaesha because she often 
took trips up to Croesha's hovel in order to comfort 
her burnt, bruised and broiled brethren.  <Cease 
this foolish chatter, Alaesha, we must save 
Parsnipple!> 
    "Yes of course, but how?" inquired Alaesha 
worriedly. 
    <I have a cunning plan...> thought Mew 
mysteriously. 

                         --- 

    "I'm sorry miss," said Hodgeport regretfully, 
"I'm afraid I can't allow you to enter."  As one of 
the few remaining prison guards, since Lord Bluetspur 
had fired most of them after releasing 90% of the 
prisoners, Hodgeport took his job very seriously. 
    "Oh please!" pleaded Alaesha, "I must see my 
brother before he is burned.  Mother will be so cross 
if I am unable to give him this basket!" She thrust 
forth a large pretty wicker basket covered by a red 
and white checkered cloth. 
    "Really miss, Lord Bluetspur's declaration was 
very clear.  No special food for the 
priso...er...guarded individual." 
    "Of course not you silly guard!" beamed Alaesha 
brightly.  She tenderly slapped the guard in the 
face.  "I would not be so foolish as to cross Lord 
Bluetspur, I did not bring my brother food!" Alaesha 
slipped her hand under the checkered cloth, pulling 
forth a large black bottle labeled "Aunt Martha's XXX 
tonic, 140 proof".  Hodgeport's eyes lit up. 
    "Well, perhaps I could let you through, after I 
sampled it of course.  Mustn't let you poison our 
valuable priso...er...guest."  Alaesha smiled 
brightly and twisted off the cap.  Hodgeport grabbed 
the bottle, and heaved back a mighty swig. 
    "Hey, this stuff's pretty good.  What you put 
in...."  Hodgeport's eyes rolled up into the back of 
his head.  He fell backwards with a mighty crash. 
    "What was in that bottle Mew?" asked Alaesha 
curiously. 
    <Poison> thought Mew, curled up comfortably in 
the basket.  Alaesha's mouth fell open in horror. 
    "Oh no! We didn't have to kill him!" 
    <Don't be silly, we haven't got all day> nagged 
Mew angrily.  Whimpering softly, Alaesha walked into 
the jail past Hodgeport's corpse. 
    "But what if we run into more guards?" asked 
Alaesha worriedly. 
    <Just say what I tell you to say and everything 
will be fine.  Now take a left here, down this 
hallway.  Now go through that door with the skulls on 
it.  No, ignore the screaming, we don't have time to 
worry about that.  DON'T look through that window, 
you don't want to know what they're doing in there.  
Come on, down the hall, don't shake the basket.  
Right through this door.  Alaesha entered a small 
stone room, lighted by three blazing torches set in 
the wall.  At the rear of the room was a large oaken 
door with a barred window set in it.  Above the door 
a small sign read "Prisoners".  Someone had crossed 
out the word, and hastily painted above it the word 
"Guests".  The room's only occupant, a muscular 
balding man, was seated behind a massive oaken desk.  
He looked up as Alaesha entered the room.
    "Excuse me miss," said Hudgewart, "might I ask 
what you're doing in my jail?" 
    "I've been sent by Lord Bluetspur to check on the 
priso...er...guest" lied Alaesha calmly as Mew 
mentally fed her words. 
    "Now see here, no one sees the pri...no one sees 
the guest but Lord Bluetspur." 
    "Fool!" yelled Alaesha angrily, "I know that.  
I've been sent to check on him, not see him, is he 
all right?" 
    "Uhm" mumbled Hudgewart confusedly.  "I'm not 
sure, I'll check."  He turned his head and peered 
through the small window. 
    <Now whack him with the hammer> prompted Mew.  
<Come on, right now, smack him in the back of his 
head.> 
    "I won't" whispered Alaesha. 
    <Ok, I guess we'll have to poison him too> 
thought Mew without much regret.  Panicking at the 
thought of another murder, Alaesha whipped out a 
small iron hammer from the basket.  Daintily she 
smacked it against Hudgewart's skull.  Shivering for 
a second, he fell to the ground and lay there 
unmoving. 
    <Well that simplifies things> thought Mew, 
sounding somewhat pleased. 
    "What do you mean `simplifies things'?" asked 
Alaesha. 
    <You killed him> thought Mew smugly.  <Crushed 
his little skull.> 
    "Oh no!" screeched Alaesha. 
    <Shut up> ordered Mew.  <It's not like they're 
going to torture you any worse for killing two guards 
instead of one!> 
    "But I didn't" whimpered Alaesha, tears streaming 
down her face, "I didn't know! You made me do it!" 
    <I'm sure they'll believe that> thought Mew, 
snickering.  <"Oh, I'm sorry officer, my cat told me 
to give that bottle to the guard.  I didn't know it 
was deadly poison! And the hammer! She insisted I 
smash in this man's skull!"  Very convincing.  Now 
open the cell!> 
    Sobbing softly, Alaesha placed the basket on the 
floor and took an iron key ring from Hudgewart's belt.  
She slipped a large iron key into the lock, and 
strained to turn it.  When she heard a relieving 
click, she pulled on the door.  Uncooperatively, it 
swung rustilly open.  Light flooded the dark cell, 
revealing a figure who slowly approached Alaesha.  It 
was hairy, it's grinning mouth full of rotten teeth.  
It's eyes were ablaze with the gleam of madness.  The 
creature reached out towards her, and grabbed her 
shoulder.  Alaesha screamed. 
    "Pleased to meet you miss!" Said the broken nosed 
man.  "I thought I'd never see the sun again!" 
    "Tha...tha...that's a lamp" stuttered Alaesha. 
    "Oh?" the broken nosed man looked confused for a 
second, "well, no matter.  It's light anyway, could 
you direct me to where the outside is?"  A look of 
puzzlement crossed his face.  "That's the place 
without any walls I think." 
    "Go out this door, turn left, walk past the 
screaming, don't look through the little window, turn 
right, past the corpse holding the bottle marked 
'XXX', and there you are." 
    "Thank you" said the broken nosed man politely. 
    "Maybe you shouldn't try and escape" warned 
Alaesha.  "They'll burn you at the stake if they 
catch you!" A big grin passed over the broken nosed 
man's face. 
    "Oh! Do you really think so miss? Then I'll wait 
right here to be caught.  No, then I wouldn't have 
escaped would I...I'll go and sit outside then."  He 
left Alaesha, happily mumbling about children and 
marshmallows. 
    Mew jumped out of the basket and wandered into 
the cell in search of Perrywinkle.  Eventually she 
found a small ragged shape of about the right size, 
shivering in a pile of straw. 
    <Look at that lump, all rolled up in a ball and 
whimpering> thought Mew to herself.  <Must be 
Prissywinkle>.  Mew wandered over to lump and 
attempted to guess which part was its head.  She 
reached out a claw and gave an experimental scratch. 
    "No!" whined Perrywinkle.  "I'll talk, I'll say 
anything, please don't torture me.  You want to know 
my family's ancient recipe for dung-preserving 
powder, you got it, just please don't hurt me." 
    <Stop whining Perrywhorple!  We must move 
quickly.> 
    "Mew!" yelled Perrywinkle.  "I knew you'd save 
me! Well, actually I thought you leave me to my doom, 
but that's beside the point.  We have to get out of 
here! I'm to be taken at dawn!" 
    <It is dawn.  Lord Bluetspur should be here any 
minute.  I suggest we hurry.> 
    "Dawn?" yelled Perrywinkle, jumping to his feet.  
"What took you so long?" 
    <Oh, traffic>, thought Mew lazily.  <And Alaesha 
killing guards...that took up quite a bit of time.>  
Perrywinkle did not answer, he rushed out of the room 
and bashed into Alaesha. 
    "Oh Perrywinkle!  I'm so sorry!" sobbed Alaesha.  
"I've killed two guardsmen, and let a raving lunatic 
loose on the land, I didn't mean to!" 
    "Not now Alaesha, we've got to get out of here!"  
Perrywinkle desperately attempted to escape Alaesha's 
embrace.  She clung to him like his father would to a 
clod of dragon dung. 
    "I never planned any of this!" sobbed Alaesha.  
"I just wanted to become a good witch and cure 
hemorrhoids and make love potions for peasants." 
    "You wanted to what?" asked Perrywinkle in 
surprise. 
    "And then mother told me 'no Alaesha, we must set 
our sights higher.  You are to be the nurse of 
Perrywinkle, an illiterate dungherd he may be, but 
he is Court Wizard.  From him you must learn the 
secrets of wizardry.'" 
    "She what?" asked Perrywinkle in shock. 
    "And then I tried to read your spellbook, and it 
bit me! And then mother told me to seduce you! And 
now I've killed two men, and we're all going to die!" 
    <If I could interrupt you two>, thought Mew 
calmly, <I believe we have company>. 
    At the doorway stood Lord Bluetspur. 
    "Consorting with witches EX Head Wizard 
Perrywinkle?" asked Lord Bluetspur, cackling evily.  
"Guards! Seize him!"