The Wizard of Smaug Copyright Bruce Norman, 1992 All rights reserved Chapter 8 -------------------- "All rise" ordered Smedley, a tall man wearing a powdered white wig. It wasn't much of a job he had; balifs specialized in wizard-trials weren't in great demand these days. In the past twenty years his services had been only called on twice, and those were both simple sheep molestation trials, hardly worth his effort. Now he was involved in the impeachment of a Court Wizard--this was good stuff. "Enter the council of twelve" intoned Smedley. Twelve bearded, bespeckled, senile-looking old men shuffled into the courtroom. A smell of incense and tobacco hung over their heads. Pointy hats scraped across the ceiling, runic robes rustled softly. They settled down into the jury box, and promptly fell asleep. "Enter the familiars of the council of twelve" intoned Smedley. Twelve obese cats waddled into court. Settling down in a patch of bright sunlight, they too promptly fell asleep. "Enter the prosecuting attorney, Lord Bluetspur, Associate Wizard to the throne of Smaug." Smugly, Lord Bluetspur strolled into the court room. He smiled at the hundreds of eager courtroom observers. He was very impressed at the huge turnout to the trial; it had only taken the king's guards twenty minutes to round up enough peasants to fill the entire courtroom. "Enter the familiar of the prosecuting attorney Lord Bluetspur, Associate Wizard to the throne of Smaug." Hopping slowly, Lord Bluetspur's toad, Froggy, entered the courtroom. The peasantry gasped and recoiled in horror. Froggy belched and grinned, settling by Lord Bluetspur's side. Women swooned at the sight. The sight of Froggy grinning and belching was a horror to behold. "Enter the defense attorney, Croesha the WITCH. An EVIL HERETIC who will be BURNED AT THE STAKE following this trial." Croesha walked smartly into the room, dressed in her very best mangy shawl. She glared at the assembled peasants, the king, the Council of Twelve, their assembled familiars, Lord Bluetspur and Froggy. The crowd mumbled in admiration, such skill in glaring was seldom seen in Smaug. "Enter the familiar of the defense attorney, Croesha the WITCH. An EVIL HERETIC who will be BURNED AT THE STAKE following this trial." Gusvas the cat limped into the courtroom slowly, dirty bandages covering much of his body. "Enter Alaesha the WITCH. An EVIL HERETIC who will be BURNED AT THE STAKE along with her DEVIL- CONSORTING MOTHER following this trial." Alaesha walked in, her head held high. Several male peasants swooned. Several wives of fainting male peasants began to gather twigs for the fire. "Enter the great Lord Perrywinkle, Court Wizard of Smaug, an EVIL HERETIC who will be BURNED...." Smedley stopped, noticing the King waving his arm frantically. Glancing down at his notes, Smedley blushed, and restarted his address. "Excuse me, enter the great Lord Perrywinkle, Court Wizard of Smaug, who has been accused of being an evil heretic, amongst other things, and if found guilty will be burned at the stake." A frowning guard entered, dragging a snivelling Perrywinkle behind him. "Enter the familiar of the great Lord Perrywinkle, Court Wizard of Smaug, an EVI...sorry...who is accused of being an...." Smedley stopped, noticing the King waving frantically at him again. He checked his notes. "Oh sorry, that's right, he hasn't got a familiar, has he?" Grinning foolishly, Smedley sat down. The crowd waited expectantly. Smedley checked his notes once more, and blushed. "Sorry...haven't done this in a while. Ahem. All hail the magnificent King Mortis, an EVI...King of Smaug. Ruler of Smaug. You know, our leader, uhm...urk!" A guard grabbed Smedley by the throat. Blunt objects were put to use. "Lets stop all this sillyness" ordered King Mortis. "If we want time for a good fire we had better get through this formality. Lord Bluetspur, present your case." "Thank you oh noble and unbiassed King, and thank you Gentlemen of the council. As is a commonly known fact, Lord Perrywinkle the so called `Court Wizard of Smaug' is actually nothing but a pathetic impostor. He is no wizard. For this crime alone he should be tortured and burned. In addition, Lord Perrywinkle has associating with heretical witches, and broken the secret wizards oath by engaging in nookey with said witches." The twelve snoozing council members suddenly awoke. "What's that?" "Nookey?" "With who?" "An elf?" "No you old fool, a witch!" "A witch?" "Who? Croesha?" "No, her daughter!" "Alaesha?" "Yes Alaesha?" "Isn't she an elf?" "No she's not an elf!" "Well she looks like one...." "Who's ever seen a six foot tall elf?" "What's he done with Alaesha?" "Nookey!" "What's that?" "Nookey!" "Nookey?" "That's what I said!" The Council of Twelve began to applaud. "If I may remind the council," snarled Lord Bluetspur, "breaking the secret oath of wizardry is very very bad." The Council members wilted under his gaze. "Sorry" they mumbled in unison. "Anyway," continued Lord Bluetspur, "just look at him. He's as guilty as sin. Lets burn him now and stop wasting the court's time." "What says the council?" asked King Mortis. "Guilty." "Guilty." "Guilty." "Lucky." "Shut up, he's guilty." "I still think he's lucky." "I'll get the matches." "Hey!" Yelled Perrywinkle. "Don't I get a defense?" King Mortis sighed. "Very well, if you must drag it out. Lord Bluetspur, you may question Lord Perrywinkle." Fuming, Lord Bluetspur approached Perrywinkle. "Raise your right hand. Do you, Perrywinkle, impostor to the office of Court Wizard, hereby swear to refrain from your usual practicing of lying and cheating for the duration of your stay in this court room?" "Now wait a second...." "Yes or NO!" "Oh all right...Yes." "Perrywinkle. You did not refuse the office of Court Wizard, and yet you are no wizard, is this not true?" "Yes. No. Wait a second..." "May I remind you, you are still under oath...." "Yes, it is not true. I am a wizard. Don't you remember me casting that fire spell?" "Not particularly," said Lord Bluetspur calmly. He cleared his throat and began to pace. "If you are a wizard, Lord Perrywinkle, then please tell us"-- Lord Bluetspur made a dramatic flourish--"where is your pointy hat!" The crowd gasped. "At the tailors?" lied Perrywinkle hopefully. His lip quivered violently. "No it isn't! For your lies you will burn!" yelled Lord Bluetspur triumphantly. "Do you still claim to be a wizard, Perrywinkle?" "Well I guess so" said Perrywinkle. "It's not like I have much choice, is it?" "Then, if you could please enlighten us as to the location of"--Lord Bluetspur made another dramatic flourish--" your rune encrusted robes!" "At the cleaners?" lied Perrywinkle. He slapped his palm against his vibrating lower lip, trying to hold it still. "No it isn't! Now we shall burn you twice! Burn! Burn! Burn Perrywinkle! Do you still cling to this foolish story that you are a wizard?" "What else is there to cling to?" commented Perrywinkle. He was very surprised at how calm he was. He supposed that constant exposure to the threat of sudden death had caused it to lose some of its novelty. "Well, Mr. Lord Court Wizard Perrywinkle Smartypants, if you're a wizard, then where, pray tell us, is your FAMILIAR!" "At the vet," lied Perrywinkle with a sudden flash of brilliance. "It fell into Croesha's cauldron." "No it didn't!" screamed Lord Bluetspur. "You don't have a familiar! You are lying! Lying! LYING!" Perrywinkle paused for a second. "No I'm not." Lord Bluetspur's hands reached for his throat. "Defense may question the witness" ordered King Mortis hurriedly. Lord Bluetspur's shaking hands slowly retreated from Perrywinkle. Staggering away he sat down roughly into his appointed chair. Froggy began to affectionately lick his face. Croesha stood up wearily. Her old bones ached from the damp, but she suspected that there might be a nice warm fire to dry them out quite soon. Under normal circumstances, had a Court Wizard requested she act as their defense attorney in a case like this, she would have politely refused, and then immediately gone out collecting sticks for the fire. Since, however, it seemed very likely that she and Perrywinkle would be sharing the same heap of flaming wood, she decided to make an exception in this one case. "Perrywinkle. You are a wizard, correct?" "Yes." "I am not a witch, correct?" "Yes." "My daughter is not a witch, correct?" "Yes." "Your hat was unfortunately crumpled, so you were forced to send it to the tailors. Your robes got a nasty mud stain, so you had to send them to the cleaners. While I was making some nourishing non- magical broth I accidentally knocked your familiar into my cauldron, so you had to send it to the vet, correct?" "Yes." "I object" objected Lord Bluetspur. "The defense is leading the witness." "Really?" asked King Mortis in surprise. "Really sire." "All right, stop it witch, you may proceed." "Thank you sire" said Croesha, flashing a toothless grin. "I believe I am finished." As she sat down Perrywinkle heard her whisper "I fear we are all finished." Lord Bluetspur stood up and walked directly towards Perrywinkle. "You claim that you are a Wizard, and that you do indeed possess a familiar, a pointy hat, and runic robes. I have decided to be generous. I give you five minutes to produce these things." "Ok" said Perrywinkle, rising to his feet. "Be back in just a second...." "Not so fast" snarled Lord Bluetspur, pushing Perrywinkle back into his chair. "You obviously may not leave the courtroom. You are a wizard--conjure them." "I'll fetch them" called out Alaesha. "There is no need for the great Lord Wizard Perrywinkle to waste his mighty magic on such trivial things." "You are a WITCH!" snarled Lord Bluetspur. "You may not leave the court room until you have been BURNED!" "Oh let her go" commanded the King. "We've got to give Perrywinkle a fair shot, haven't we?" The King turned to address Alaesha. "My dear, I must warn you, do not try to escape your punishment of being burned at the stake. If you were to, say, run to the palace and hide under my bed, I would be very cross. So don't do it, do we have an understanding?" "Perfectly sire" said Alaesha, smiling sweetly in his direction. Lord Bluetspur grumbled as she left the courtroom. --- "Mew!" called out Alaesha. "Mew! Where are you you stupid cat!" responded Mew, crawling out from the shadows. "Yes" said Alaesha, panting as she caught her breath. "I ran all the way to get them. I have the robes, the hat, and a familiar." Mew gazed worriedly at the furry bundle in Alaesha's arm. "It's Baa Baa, Perrywinkle's toy sheep" said Alaesha sheepishly. "I couldn't find an alley cat." "Now look here, Mew," ordered Alaesha. "We have to return to the court now. Perrywinkle is going to be killed any second. I've listened to your explanations, and your complaints, but you have no choice. Maybe being a familiar is a thankless job. Maybe you have sacrificed sixty years of your life to serving an idiot. I sympathize with you, but Perrywinkle's life depends on him having a familiar now. I would take your place if I could, but I can't. You must become Perrywinkle's familiar." , thought Mew sadly. "We must go now!" ordered Alaesha. Bending over she picked Mew up and ran into the court room. "...and we'll need at least five thousand marshmallows" said King Mortis to Lord Bluetspur. "Wait, good King Mortis, I have returned" announced Alaesha. A gasp filled the courtroom. Heads whipped around. A low shreak of hatred escaped Lord Bluetspur's lips. "You have the items then?" asked King Mortis. "I have the robe," said Alaesha, pulling the gaudy fabric over Perrywinkle's body, "the hat," this she slammed onto Perrywinkle's skull, "and the familiar," she dropped Mew onto the ground. Perrywinkle desperately swam through the folds of fabric, sticking his extremities through whatever holes he could find. He noticed, to his embarrassment, that he had accidentally forced his head through an arm hole. The improvement in fit was immediately noticeable. Grabbing his off-balanced pointy hat, he held it on his head. The crowd began to laugh. "Shut up!" yelled Perrywinkle. "I'm the bloody Court Wizard, and you will not laugh at me. I'll burn the whole lot of you if you don't shut your stinking gobs!" "You can't do that" heckled an obese chip-toothed peasant. "You have to always protect and serve the people of Smaug. It's right in the wizard's oaths." "Well I'm Court Wizard, and I'm adding a new oath to the wizard's code, effective immediately! The oath is that the Court Wizard must burn to death any peasant who make fun of his clothing. Would you like to test my oath, oaf?" As Perrywinkle watched in astonishment, the chip- toothed peasant's drunken smile faded momentarily into one of...fear. A rush of ego hit Perrywinkle's brain like a mac truck. Drowning in new-found confidence he stared at the peasants. The laughter continued. "Ankh morpock doth stynk" chanted Perrywinkle. His hands and arms began to weave in intricate, meaningless, patterns. "Hit the deck! He's going fry us!" yelled a young boy. Screaming peasants tried to bury their heads in the sand and, what with the courtroom having a stone floor, did not meet much success. Perrywinkle smiled, listening to the groans of pain. thought a voice in his head. . "Mew?" asked Perrywinkle. "Thanks for volunteering to become my familiar." warned Mew. She was cut off in mid thought by the harsh words of Lord Bluetspur. "Your new clothing is very impressive, Lord Perrywinkle, but an obvious problem exists: this is Teflour's familiar!" "Well she's mine now. Tough luck Bluey, looks like I keep my job." "Are you sure that this cat is your familiar?" "Absolutely." "Then let us have the secret test of blood." An evil smile crossed Lord Bluetspur's face. "Of course" said Perrywinkle, a nasty sneer covering his own countenance. What the hell is the secret test of blood he thought to himself. thought Mew . Really thought Perrywinkle. Why? admitted Mew. Well I'm sorry you're going to get a pricked paw thought Perrywinkle. , answered Mew, . But you're my familiar! thought Perrywinkle. warned Mew. she was cut off in mid thought by the harsh words of Lord Bluetspur. "Extend your left hand, Lord Perrywinkle" he ordered. Mew? What do you mean its not that easy? You mean when they prick me... <...No blood on my paw.> Crap. Perrywinkle extended his right hand bravely. Screaming in triumph, Lord Bluetspur plunged the silver needle deep into Perrywinkle's index finger. Perrywinkle screamed. "Your honor!" screeched Croesha. "I object! The prosecuting attorney is physically assaulting my witness!" "This isn't a physical assault" yelled Lord Bluetspur. "This is the secret test of blood! He agreed to it!" "If my memory serves me correctly," remarked Croesha, "the wizard's secret test of blood is to be performed on the LEFT index finger." Lord Bluetspur gazed down stupidly at Perrywinkle's bleeding right index finger. Shrugging, he grabbed the silver needle and yanked it out. Perrywinkle screamed. Lord Bluetspur dextrously grabbed Perrywinkle's left hand. "YourhonorIrespectfullyrequestabriefrecesssomy- clientcanbandagehisfinger" screeched Croesha. Perrywinkle violently jerked his hand back and forth as Lord Bluetspur attempted to jab it. "Granted" said the king worriedly. He wiped the sweat off his forehead with the sleeve of his royal robe. Things were getting much too hectic for his taste. Mortis wasn't a bad king, he wasn't a good king either, he was a so-so king. Like many other so-so kings before him, Mortis was greatly concerned with living a peaceful life, and bringing prosperity and happiness to the people of Smaug if he could find the time. With a mighty jerk, Perrywinkle managed to pull his hand free from Lord Bluetspur's grasp. Lord Bluetspur leaned over and whispered evily at Perrywinkle. "In five minute you die, dung-boy." Perrywinkle leaned over, and bumped his face into Lord Bluetspur's chin. Drawing back he grinned shyly, and leaned forward again (more carefully this time). He whispered calmly back at Lord Bluetspur. "Will not." ordered Mew, What am I going to do Mew? I'm doomed! But I don't know the spell of familiar binding! , replied Mew. There was a dramatic pause. . How? thought Perrywinkle. , thought Mew, Well then, what are they? Perrywinkle ducked down behind his witness box. Very quietly he mumbled. "Lebrovk Necromus Ultima". A cool feeling washed down his spine. Energy drained out of his body. Perrywinkle realized with shock that he was about to faint. "Oh naughty, silly Perrywinkle!" scolded Alaesha. "You are dripping blood all over your nice new robes!" "Alaesha" gasped Perrywinkle weakly. "The spell went wrong, I'm slipping away. I never should have trusted that damned cat." "Don't be so silly!" scolded Alaesha. "It is only a nasty finger boo boo, a far from fatal wound I assure you." Alaesha efficiently ripped off a corner of white cloth from the bottom of her dress. She brought up the soft fabric and wrapped it gently around Perrywinkle's finger. She kissed it, and smiled at him. "There, now don't we all feel better?" "A bit" admitted Perrywinkle, realizing with some disappointment that he was not going to faint. thought Mew. You are a very poor familiar retorted Perrywinkle. That spell was a complete failure. thought Mew, and sniffed. . "Lebrovk Necromus Ultima" mumbled Perrywinkle without much energy. Nothing happened. "What are you saying?" asked Alaesha worriedly. "How much blood did you lose?" "I'm trying to cast a spell," admitted Perrywinkle, "but the damned cat's got the words all screwed up." "Why don't you check your book?" asked Alaesha. "How on earth can I do that?" "It's right in your pocket, take it out!" Perrywinkle stared at her. "You mean my spellbook is in the pocket of my robe!" he screamed. He slapped his hand up to against his mouth. He peered up over the edge of the witness box, no one appeared to have overheard him. The peasants were making a huge a colossal amount of noise. As any good king knows, if you take 300 rough and vulgar peasants, lock them in a court room for four hours, and don't allow any trips to the bathroom, they tend to get rather rowdy. Luckily for Perrywinkle, Mortis was only a so-so king. Perrywinkle pulled out the worn leather tome and gazed at it lovingly. Alaesha quietly crept behind his shoulder, and gazed at the book lovingly. "Alaesha" said Perrywinkle, gazing deep into her eyes. "You've done so much for me. You nursed me back from death's door. You spent hours making these robes and this hat. You risked your life to free me from prison. If there's anything you want from me, anything at all, just ask." Alaesha smiled and parted her lips to speak, but Perrywinkle cut her off. "Unless, of course, you want to look at my spell book. That's off limits." "Perrywinkle!" cried out Alaesha in shock. "I'm surprised you would think such a thing of me." "Well, you are a witch," said Perrywinkle matter- of-factly. Alaesha stared at him coldly. "I had better leave you then," she said quietly, "because we wouldn't want to have the great Lord Perrywinkle seen to be ASSOCIATING WITH A WITCH!" With her nose turned up, Alaesha walked out of the witness box, leaving Perrywinkle wincing. ordered Mew. thought Perrywinkle. Mew did not answer. Perrywinkle sighed and began to page through his book. thought Mew. Alaesha turned, and looked at her. Yes thought Alaesha. , thought Mew. But he is so annoying! thought Alaesha angrily. He still holds to this idiotic idea that he must "follow the code of wizardry". Do you know how long I've waited to see that stupid book? , said Mew, Really? thought Alaesha eagerly. , thought Mew, I don't care! thought Alaesha. For Perrywinkle, and his spellbook, I will risk all. , thought Mew,