The Wizard of Smaug
             Copyright Bruce Norman, 1992
                 All rights reserved



                      Chapter 9 

                 --------------------

    Thy Speyl of Bynding Oft A Familyar 

    To casteth thys speyl thou must have inst thy 
possession a beaste which ist friendly t'ward thou.  
Tis simplest for most to taketh a feline and giveth a 
salmon onto said beaste to ensure its friendship.  
Wenst thou hast this beaste thou shalt then raiseth 
thy thumb to thine nose and speeketh thy words 
'fooble-slavas anamalia'.  Now call out with thy 
mind, and touch that of thy beaste. 
    Wenst thou hast caste thys speyl thy body shayl 
be co'ered wyth froste.  To counter this, bey'st thou 
in a scalding bath whenst thou casteth this speyl to 
counter thy frost.  Do this not and thou shal't most 
suredly die oft cold. 
    Thy beaste shall now be thy familiar.  It shall 
not age, nay, nor shallst come down with sickness and 
disease.  Thy beast canst now aid thy inst thy 
thaumaturgial research. 

    Oh great thought Perrywinkle, carefully avoiding 
broadcasting his thoughts to Mew.  The stupid cat got 
the words completely wrong.  He glanced over the 
spell again. 
    "Thy body shall be covered in frost?" he 
whispered to himself worriedly. "Have a warm bath 
ready to counter this or you will most surely die of 
the cold! Oh great...." 
    Perrywinkle's self-pity was interrupted by great 
screams of horror from the peasants.  Perrywinkle 
peeped up over the side of his witness box.  A 
strange sight met his eyes.  Lord Bluetspur, Froggy 
in his hand, standing demonicly over the crowd, 
yelling at a flat-faced peasant. 
    "I don't care if you have to go to the washroom.  
You can go after we've burned the little idiot.  Now 
shut up or I will feed you to Froggy.  I'll feed you 
all to Froggy!" 
    Another great wave of horrified screaming washed 
over Perrywinkle.  Lord Bluetspur extended his hand.  
Froggy's long tongue extended out and licked the 
face of an elderly woman.  Her eyes rolled up and she 
fell to the ground, stone dead from fear.  Froggy 
croaked happily.  Silence spread over the peasants 
like runny jam. 
    "Now that the courtroom has been quietened" said 
Lord Bluetspur dramatically, "would your majesty please 
resume proceedings?" 
    "Damn!" sword Perrywinkle.  His fingers traced 
out the words that meant his life or death.  "Fooble 
Slavas Anamalia" whispered Perrywinkle.  He stuck his 
thumb in his nose.  A chill ran up his spin, and this 
time it wasn't mere nervousness.  Oh dear thought 
Perrywinkle, and reached out with his mind. 
    Mew? 
    <I'll never forgive you for this, Perrywinkle.> 
    You sound funny, Mew. 
    <And you look funny, Perrywinkle.  Blue is 
definitely not your color.> 
    That's my skin. 
    <I know.> 
    Are you my familiar now?  There was a pause. 
    <Not yet, it takes a while.> 
    What do you mean it takes a while! 
    <It takes about five minutes for the spell to 
work.> 
    "Lord Perrywinkle!" ordered Lord Bluetspur.  
"Please get off the floor of the witness box! 
    Moving slowly, Perrywinkle hoisted himself into 
his chair.  A light rain of snow fluttered down off 
his robes. 
    "Uhm..." Lord Bluetspur was noticeably confused.  
"Hold out your hand then, lets get the test over 
with." 
    "N-n-not y-yet" said Perrywinkle, his teeth 
chattering. 
    "What do you mean not yet?" said Lord Bluetspur 
angrily. 
    "I've not regrown enough blood yet" chattered 
Perrywinkle.  "Give me five minutes, I should be done 
by then.  Lord Bluetspur looked at Perrywinkle again, 
and smiled craftily.  He whispered gently in 
Perrywinkle's direction. 
    "Nice try, fool, but your spellcraft comes too 
late.  I will not be denied."  He drew in a deep 
breath.  "Guards, extend Lord Perrywinkle's arm to 
me, this INSTANT!" 
    An obese bailiff trotted forward.  Smiling 
apologetically, he grabbed Perrywinkle's arm. 
    "Owh!" screeched the guard.  "He's cold! Burned 
my fingers he has!"  The guard backed off, shaking 
his pink meaty palm. 
    How much longer thought Perrywinkle. 
    <About three minutes.> 
    You still sound strange thought Perrywinkle. 
    <I've got a cold.> 
    "Fine!" yelled Lord Bluetspur.  "I will do it 
myself then!"  Racing over to Perrywinkle's left 
side, Lord Bluetspur reached out and grabbed 
Perrywinkle's arm.  He gasped in pain as the shock of 
cold hit him.  Perrywinkle grinned, he couldn't feel 
a thing.  Lord Bluetspur struggled and began to 
extend Perrywinkle's arm.  A section of Perrywinkle's 
robes cracked and fell to the ground in broken 
shards.  Slowly, but surely, Perrywinkle's arm 
stretched out.  Lord Bluetspur's eyes brightened. 
    How much longer thought Perrywinkle desperately. 
    <Maybe two minutes.> 
    Are you sure? 
    <Roughly sure.> 
    How sure? 
    <Give or take two minutes.> 
    With Perrywinkle's arm now fully extended, Lord 
Bluetspur pulled out the large silver needle from his 
robes.  Yanking desperately, Perrywinkle tried to 
pull his arm away, but his muscles wouldn't respond.  
Smiling evily, Lord Bluetspur cried out in ecstasy. 
    "Now falls Perrywinkle the false Wizard of Smaug! 
Heretic and pretender to the office of Court Wizard, 
your days end here!"  The silver needle descended like 
a dagger.  With the force of Hercules, Lord Bluetspur 
plunged it into Perrywinkle's finger. 
    The needled snapped. 
    "Oh no..." said Lord Bluetspur.  "That was my 
good secret test of blood testing needle!" 
    "Heh" hissed Perrywinkle, his lips frozen beyond 
the ability to form a smile. 
    "I will not be defeated so easily" mumbled Lord 
Bluetspur.  He turned around and cried out to the 
guards, "fetch our Court Wizard a nice warm BATH! We 
can't have him catching COLD now CAN WE?" 
    How much longer? thought Perrywinkle. 
    <One minute.> 
    No way he can get me thawed out before then. 
    <Probably not.> 
    You haven't called me an idiot lately at all, 
Mew. 
    <You're an idiot, little Perrywinkle.> 
    Three minutes passed. 
    Mew? 
    <Yes.> 
    Has the spell worked yet? 
    <No.> 
    How much longer? 
    <I'm really not sure.> 
    I can't see anymore. 
    <Really?> 
    I think my eyeballs have frozen. 
    <I'm sorry.> 
    I can't hear anymore either.  What's happening? 
    <Two big guards are pulling you over to a washtub 
full of hot water.> 
    This is going to hurt. 
    <I think you're right.> 
    The world of Perrywinkle exploded into a big warm 
wet soapy washtub of pain. 
    Lord Bluetspur stood insanely over the icicle 
that was Perrywinkle.  "More hot water you fools! 
Poor it over him! He's thawing! He's thawing!" 
    "The water's freezing sir." 
    "Well then pour more!" 
    "We haven't got any more hot water sir." 
    "Then poor cold water! As long as it isn't 
already solid it'll help!" 
    How long has it been since I cast that spell, 
Mew? 
    <About twenty minutes.> 
    This thawing thing hurts quite a bit. 
    <It'll get worse.> 
    Really? 
    <Yes.> 
    When? 
    <When you really start to thaw.> 
    I think I'm starting to ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH! 
    <What was that?> 
    ARRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH! 
    <Thaw?> 
    ARRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 
    Froggy hopped slowly towards his master.  In his 
mouth he held a large silver needle.  Froggy was mad.  
He'd had to hop all the way home, find this stupid 
needle, and hop all the way back.  <You'd better give 
me a big steaming bowl of peasant entrails, Bluey> 
thought Froggy.  <A jumbo size big bowl of steaming 
peasant entrails.> 
    Shut up you asinine toad thought Bluetspur.  
Give me the needle. 
    <Has he thawed yet?> asked Froggy. 
    Almost.  He's not quite as blue.  I think I'll 
wait a few more seconds though.  Have to make sure 
the needle penetrates, and that his blood has 
unfrozen. 
    With the needle in his hands, Lord Bluetspur 
waited.  Seconds ticked by, the peasants watched in 
awe, awaiting the violent climax of the trial. 
    Mew? 
    <Yes.> 
    It doesn't hurt any more. 
    <Really?> 
    Well no, I've just sort of gotten used to it. 
    <Poor Perrywinkle.> 
    I wonder if Alaesha will help me? I think I'm 
going to need some medical care if I survive this. 
    <I'm sure she will.  She's a very sweet, loving, 
sensitive girl.> 
    Yes, she is, isn't she. 
    Lord Bluetspur raised the needle up high.  "And 
now falls the Wizard of Smaug!" he cried.  
Perrywinkle's unfreezing eyeballs perceived this as a 
moving blur. 
    This is it thought Perrywinkle.  I wonder why the 
spell didn't work. 
    <This is all my fault!> 
    Don't blame yourself, Mew, you tried your best. 
    <Oh Perrywinkle, it is my fault, I'm so sorry.  
The spell just wasn't designed for this sort of 
thing.> 
    The needle descended in a dazzling wicked ark.  
It pierced the index finger of Perrywinkle's left 
hand.  Blood began to flow. 
    <Perrywinkle!> 
    What? 
    <It worked! Just as the needle hit, the spell 
worked! I'm your familiar now!> 
    Really? 
    <Yes!> 
    "Look, people of Smaug!" ordered Lord Bluetspur.  
The finger of Perrywinkle, it bleeds.  Now, as all do 
know, by the laws of the secret test of blood, 
Perrywinkle's familiar should have blood on its paw!" 
Reaching over, Lord Bluetspur grabbed Mew by the 
collar and hoisted her into the air.  She hissed. 
    "Look, people of Smaug, is their blood on this 
beast's paw?" 
    Perrywinkle turned his head.  His willed his 
thawing eyeballs to focus.  Before him he saw Lord 
Bluetspur, a struggle Mew, and her four clean 
unbloodied paws.