The Wizard of Smaug Copyright Bruce Norman, 1992 All rights reserved Chapter 10 -------------------- "It is proven before the eyes of all!" screamed Lord Bluetspur. "Perrywinkle, false Wizard of Smaug, exposed for what he is! Bring in the timber! Let's burn him right now!" "No!" ordered the King. "I have had enough of this, you will not burn Perrywinkle..." The peasants gasped in astonishment. "...in this courtroom. Take him outside." "Wait," called out Alaesha. "What is this talk of burning the honorable Court Wizard Perrywinkle?" "You idiotic witch" sneered Lord Bluetspur. "The trial is over. He has been exposed for what he is: a fraud! A familiarless wizard; you will be the next to burn. " "Lord Perrywinkle is a true wizard," said Alaesha, smiling sweetly in Lord Bluetspur's direction, "you have simply picked up the wrong familiar." "Oh?" asked Lord Bluetspur. "Then where, oh witch, is Perrywinkle's familiar!" His entire body was shaking. He was a nervous wreck. He hadn't been this tense since Teflour had gone though his `let's train poisonous spiders to be our friends' stage. "Right here!" said Alaesha triumphantly, and held out her left hand. Her index finger was smeared with blood. "No! Impossible!" screamed Lord Bluetspur. "You can not be a familiar! You are not a cat, or a toad, it is not allowed! Familiars have to be stupid and useless animals! It is tradition!" Froggy croaked angrily. "A pretty stupid tradition if you ask me," said Alaesha smartly. She turned to the Council of twelve, all who were awake by this point. "Kind, gentle, sirs. Is not the purpose of familiars to aid wizards in magical research? How many times have your stupid"--Alaesha paused to kick a plump sleeping calico cat--"familiars been of any use what so ever?" "She's right." "Completely right." "And very pretty too." "That's not the point." "Does she have a sister?" "No she doesn't." "How do you know?" "Can elves be familiars?" "Shut up!" "This is an outrage!" yelled Lord Bluetspur. A look of determination crossed his face. "Even if he has you as a familiar, witch, he will burn. He may be a wizard, but the crime of associating with witches will be more than enough to see him lit up like a torch." Lord Bluetspur turned to face Perrywinkle. "Perrywinkle, this witch has revealed herself to be your familiar, do you now deny that you associate with witches!" "Ah, uhm, let me get back to you on that one" said Perrywinkle nervously. "Before you denounce me as a witch" said Alaesha, "let us consult the Bishop." She turned to face the portly Maurice, sitting comfortably in his own private observation box. "Lord Bishop, please tell us, what is the definition of a witch?" "A foul and unclean woman who violates the natural laws of Gods by seeking to draw upon forces of nature she was never meant to control," said Bishop Maurice calmly. "Please skip the doggerel and get to the point." "A woman who works magic." "Exactly!" interrupted Lord Bluetspur. He turned to Alaesha, "and do you deny working magic?" "Of course not!" said Alaesha, smiling. "Then you are a WITCH!" "Perhaps," said Alaesha, "but if my magic working makes me a witch, you will have to burn half the familiars in Smaug too." "What?" asked a member of the council of twelve, somewhat hopefully. "I am not a witch," lied Alaesha, "I am merely a female familiar. Familiars are allowed to aid in the working of magic, it is wizard law! If you would burn me as a witch you must also burn Snugglepus," Alaesha kicked a piebald cat, "Wabblefum," Alaesha kicked a one eyed tabby, "and all other female familiars in the land." asked Mew worriedly. thought Alaesha. "Fine!" yelled Lord Bluetspur. "Guards, get a sack, round up all these mangy cats." "Don't forget Froggy" said Alaesha, smiling evily. "Froggy? He's not..." said Lord Bluetspur. "Or, should I say, Frogette?" "What do you mean Frogette? My Toad is definitely male." Aren't you, Froggy? thought Lord Bluetspur. . Why didn't you tell me? . "Fine!" said Lord Bluetspur. "Burn my toad, see if I care." He reached out his left hand and grabbed Froggy. Froggy croaked in surprise. "Now hold on a second" said a nameless aging member of the council of twelve. "I'm not going to let you burn my familiar, Bluetspur." "Yes," agreed another, "I'm old. I don't want to freeze my eyeballs, like young Perrywinkle there, to get a new one." "It's a very strenuous spell." "I never liked it, not one bit." "I'm rather fond of my cat." "Not as fond as you are of your sheep." "Harfinkle! You swore you wouldn't say anything about that." "I don't like my cat." "Oh shut up. At least yours doesn't shred the curtains." "But we could get elves!" "Shut up!" "Enough!" yelled Lord Bluetspur. He turned to the council of twelve. "As Associate Wizard of Smaug I hereby order you to find Perrywinkle guilty of associating with witches, and to sentence him to being burned at the stake!" "What?" asked Perrywinkle in surprise. "Now wait a second...." As Perrywinkle watched in horror, the council shrugged and sat down. "Your honor," said Harfinkle, the lead councilman, "as ordered by Lord Bluetspur, we hereby find Court Wizard Perrywinkle guilty of associating with witches, and sentence him to be burned at the stake. "Thank God that's over" said Mortis happily. "All right, guards, drag him out and burn him." "Now wait a second" said Perrywinkle. "What do you mean you find me guilty? Lord Bluetspur can't just order you to find me guilty, can he?" "Actually," said Harfinkle, "yes he can. As mere members of the Council of Twelve, we must do as Associate Wizard Bluetspur demands." "But I'm Court Wizard" said Perrywinkle desperately as the guards dragged him out of the courtroom. "Don't I outrank him?" "Yes," said Harfinkle, "but you have not given us any orders, Lord Perrywinkle." "Well I order you to overthrow your previous ruling and find me innocent!" yelled Perrywinkle as the guards tied him to the a stake. The council of twelve, in unison, shrugged. "Your honor," said Harfinkle, "after careful deliberation we, the council of twelve, reverse our previous ruling and order that Lord Perrywinkle be set free, absolved of all charges set against him." "No!" screamed Lord Bluetspur. "Oh shut up, Bluetspur!" yelled the King. "Guards, set Perrywinkle free." "Is it that easy?" said Perrywinkle to Harfinkle. "You mean I could have just ordered you to find me innocent at any time." "Yes" said Harfinkle. "I guess court Wizards don't go to jail very often." "It is rather rare" admitted Harfinkle. "They why didn't someone tell me..." began Perrywinkle, pausing as he saw Lord Bluetspur sneaking out the back door of the court room. "Hold it! Guards, arrest that man...and his toad!" "On what charges, sir?" asked an obese guardsman. "Uhm, tax evasion! Get him, now!" The guards trotted after Lord Bluetspur, grabbed him, and dragged him screaming back into the courtroom. "Council of Twelve," ordered Perrywinkle, "I order you to find Lord Bluetspur guilty of tax evasion." "What?" asked Harfinkle. "You want us to find Lord Bluetspur guilty without a proper trial, without representation, without the chance to defend himself?" "Yes," said Perrywinkle. "Just checking," said Harfinkle. "Lord Bluetspur, the council of twelve has found you guilty of tax evasion and sentences you to..." "Seven hundred years" said Perrywinkle. "Seven hundred years of imprisonment." "No!" moaned Lord Bluetspur "I paid all my taxes! I promise I did!". "Now wait a second, Perrywinkle," said Mortis. "Do you think you can hold a trial without my consent? Do you think you can just throw people in my jail whenever you feel like it?" Perrywinkle turned around and stared coldly into King Mortis's eyes. "I'm sorry, your majesty, did you say something?" "Uhm, just welcoming you back, Perrywinkle, Lord Perrywinkle. I always knew you were innocent. Please, make use of my jail whenever you feel like it." "Thank you" said Perrywinkle. He turned to leave the courtroom. "Come along, Alaesha," he said, cooly extending his arm to her. "Oh Perrywinkle," said Alaesha, "you're so adorable when you're ruthless. We're going to have lots of fun for the next sixty years, won't we?" Alaesha peered at Perrywinkle concernedly. "Oh! But you are frost bitten! I shall have to rub ointment on you. Where does it hurt, little Perrywinkle?" "All over," admitted Perrywinkle. "Alaesha?" "Yes Perrywinkle." "Let's go break some secret Wizard's oaths."