The Wizard of Smaug Copyright Bruce Norman, 1992 All rights reserved Chapter 11 -------------------- "Perrywinkle, I never knew it would be like this" whispered Alaesha softly, her lips caressing his ear. "Oh, Alaesha. You are...so much better looking than Bessie Hopper," was Perrywinkle's ecstatic reply. "Really?" asked Alaesha. "Really," said Perrywinkle. "Even if she had no warts?" asked Alaesha. "Even if she had no warts. Even if she didn't have that club foot." "Oh Perrywinkle, you are so cute. I much prefer tiny little men. Big men with all those muscles disgust me so. I like a little man, who I can cradle in my arms and give big kisses." "Big kisses..." murmured Perrywinkle, and turned his head towards her. "Awaken, Lord Perrywinkle!" Perrywinkle turned in his sleep. A smile crossed his face. "Big kisses" he mumbled. Delicate hands reached out and grabbed his throat. Gently, they lifted his head off the soft pillow on which he rested and began to violently shake him. "Gak!" exclaimed Perrywinkle, his eyes snapping open. He gazed into the smiling face of Alaesha. "Come, Lord Perrywinkle. You do not wish to waste the entire day lying here in your basket, do you?" Perrywinkle looked out the window into the black night sky. "It's the middle of the bloody night." "Nonsense" exclaimed Alaesha, laughing merrily. "It is early morning. Last night was night, today is morning, and you have much work to do today, Lord Perrywinkle!" "Alaesha," said Perrywinkle calmly. "Look outside. There is no sun. Even the bloody roosters are still asleep." Alaesha frowned at him. "This house is filthy. I am going to clean it, right now, but I can't if you are going to lie around in your basket all day. Now get off your cute little bottom and make yourself useful." "I wouldn't have to sleep in this basket," observed Perrywinkle, "if you would allow me to sleep in the bed." Alaesha laughed merrily. "Oh silly little Perrywinkle, you know you can not sleep in my bed! People would think there were untoward actions going on between us, no, I am afraid you will have to sleep in Mew's basket." She raised a finger to her lip in contemplation. "Or you could sleep on the floor. Mother says its good for your back." Perrywinkle groaned and sat up slowly. He hadn't thought being the Court Wizard would be like this. It has seemed, at first, to be a dream come true. What wizard could be luckier than I? he had wondered at the time. Promoted to the rank of Court Wizard on a technicality, blessed with a familiar that was a beautiful blonde six-foot tall girl, what more could a wizard ask for? Still smiling bewitchingly, Alaesha thrust a broom into his hands. It had seemed like paradise, until he had discovered Alaesha had not shared his desires to "consummate" their wizard/familiar relationship. She had thought he was joking. "Oh silly Perrywinkle!" she had exclaimed at the time. "Everyone knows that wizards are not allowed to engage in nookey! It is the secret wizard's oath, after all! I would not risk you losing your position as Court Wizard on my account. It is very nice of you to offer, and you are as cute as a dumpling, but it just would not be right!" Of course, there was only one bed in the Court Wizard's residence. One bed, and one basket lined with moldy cloth which might once have been a blanket. "Aschew!" sneezed Perrywinkle. "What are you been doing?" "Sweeping," commented Alaesha. Indeed, she worked with seemingly supernatural speed. The broom whipped back and forth violently, sending clouds of dust everywhere. "It's all going to settle again," commented Perrywinkle. "Then, I shall sweep it again," retorted Alaesha. "Familiars," commented Perrywinkle. Stumbling outside, Perrywinkle yawned, stretched, and sneezed again. "Alaesha," mumbled Perrywinkle wistfully. He wondered what she would look like without any clothes on. Probably, he decided, quite good. Do not forget the secret wizard's oath came a voice from deep inside of him. "Don't worry", he responded, talking to himself. "I haven't done anything...yet. If other wizards can look at dirty pictures of elves, I should be allowed to think dirty thoughts about my familiar!" "What was that, little Perrywinkle?" asked Alaesha, standing in the doorway of his run-down home. "I, uh, said that I should be allowed to clean dirty...pots...with my familiar," replied Perrywinkle, his lower lip trembling. "Oh Perrywinkle!" laughed Alaesha. She ran down and hugged him. "Did you think I was going to allow you to sit around on your lazy yet cute little bottom while I cleaned your house? Never fear, I would not dream of excluding you." Picking Perrywinkle up, Alaesha carried him into the house. "Now we must clean, Perrywinkle, for mother will surely visit us today!" Perrywinkle groaned. "Can't Croesha leave us alone for one day? It was only yesterday I was almost burned at the stake. My frost bite has far from healed. Can't she come back in, say, a week?" "When mother puts her mind to something, no one can change it", commented Alaesha sagely. "Now help me, little Perrywinkle, we have much cleaning to do." Perrywinkle groaned, and looked about the lab. It would be impossible to clean. He estimated that Teflour had not cleaned his lab since Lord Bluetspur had ceased to be his apprentice some fifteen years ago. Test tubes, bottles, unidentified powders (Perrywinkle was very wary of these), moldy cheese sandwiches, pots of tea, and various other wizardly things lay about in varying states of breakage and decay. To clean this lab out would require a miracle. Or magic. Perrywinkle reached for his spellbook. He winced, as his frostbitten skin rubbed up against the pocket of his robes. Tensing slightly, he let go of his book. He decided he would hope for a miracle. CRASH! Perrywinkle whipped around. Alaesha held a test tube in her hand. CRASH! She tossed it out the window. An acrid cloud of green smoke began to float up into the air. "What are you doing?" asked Perrywinkle in shock. "Mother always told me unlabeled bottles were dangerous," commented Alaesha. "I'm simply getting rid of them. We wouldn't want your furry little eyebrows burning off again, now would we?" Perrywinkle gently rubbed his thin eyebrows. He had to agree with her on that one. "Still, throwing them out the window doesn't seem like a good solution," he observed. "It is a very good solution! Our problem is that there's no chance we can clean this lab out before mother arrives. Still, we must try, and thus we must maximize our efficiency. Oh, I suppose we could try and identify each test tube to see if they are dangerous, but that would be far too slow. I see no other possible way to clean your house, besides tossing things out the window. Do you have a better solution?" Shagrinned, Perrywinkle had to admit he did not. "Good, then help me. You can toss this out the window." Alaesha threw Perrywinkle a large bottle filled with black powder, marked 'X'. "Gaa...Gaa...Gaa..." mumbled Perrywinkle. He felt light headed. He felt like he was staring into a very bright light, and his eyebrows were burning off. Slowly, carefully, Perrywinkle placed the bottle on a shelf. "I know what that one is", he commented. "Really?" asked Alaesha. "What does X mean?" "Extremely dangerous," answered Perrywinkle. "Well, I will not allow any extremely dangerous bottles in my house!" Picking the bottle up off the shelf, she carefully carried it outside it, and placed it in the pile of broken glass outside the house. She ignored the bubbling green mixture that was forming, she had other things on her mind. asked a voice in her head. Alaesha looked about, sure enough, there was Mew walking out of the forest. "Darling Mew! How is my favorite pussy cat!" exclaimed Alaesha. To her disappointment, Mew did not run up to her, leap into her arms, and purr contentedly. . "Poor little Mew," commented Alaesha, picker her up off the ground. Somewhat disgruntled, Mew permitted herself to be stroked. "You look tired and hungry, would you like a big yummy fish for lunch?" . "You shall have it, darling Mew, for without you none of this would have been possible. Perrywinkle!" Alaesha called out towards the house. "Perrywinkle! Darling Mew is here! Come and see her!" Perrywinkle stumbled out of the house. He was feeling somewhat faint. He noted with some interest that the sun was finally creeping over the horizon. "Oh, hello Mew, come to visit have you?" . "Oh," said Perrywinkle worriedly. "I suppose so." "That is not what I meant," said Perrywinkle, turning rather red-faced. "I was just wondering how we were going to...arrange things." asked Mew. "Yes, what's to arrange?" asked Alaesha. "As I said, mother says its very good for your back!" "I have an idea," said Perrywinkle tiredly. "Why don't you, Alaesha, my familiar, sleep in my bed. And you, Mew, sleep in the basket. As for me, the Court Wizard, arguably the most important man in Smaug, I'll sleep on the floor." "But of course, little Perrywinkle," said Alaesha. "I thought that was understood." . "Yes, get Mew her fishy." "Where's the food, Mew?" asked Perrywinkle. "Then what will we eat?" asked Perrywinkle. , stated Mew. "Very well," said Perrywinkle decisively. "I shall go to the market!"