The script in the following pages is totally owned by Paramount Pictures. This is not being used for personal profit or gain, it is strictly for those people who love the movie.
Film Credits pinched from the Internet Movie Database
Directed by
Amy Heckerling
CAST:
Alicia Silverstone.........Cher Horowitz Stacey Dash................Dionne Brittany Murphy............Tai Paul Stephen Rudd..........Josh Donald Adeosun Faison......Murray Elisa Donovan..............Amber Breckin Meyer..............Travis Jeremy Sisto...............Elton Dan Hedaya.................Mel Aida Linares...............Lucy Wallace Shawn..............Mr. Hall Twink Caplan...............Miss Geist Justin Walker..............Christian Sabastian Rashidi..........Paroudasm Herb Hall..................Principal Julie Brown................Miss Stoeger Susan Mohun................Heather Nicole Bilderback..........Summer Ron Orbach.................DMV Tester Sean Holland...............Lawrence Roger Kabler...............College Guy Jace Alexander.............Robber Josh Lozoff................Logan Carl Gottlieb..............Minister Joseph D. Reitman..........Student Anthony Beninati...........Bartender Micki Duran................Dancer Gregg Russell..............Dancer Jermaine Montell...........Dancer Danielle Eckert............Dancer
Written by
Jane Austen (novel Emma)
Amy Heckerling
Cinematography by
Bill Pope
Music by
David Kitay
Production Design by
Steven J. Jordan
Costume Design by
Mona May
Film Editing by
Debra Chiate
Produced by
Barry M. Berg (co-producer)
Twink Caplan (associate)
Robert Lawrence (III)
Scott Rudin
Adam Schroeder (co-producer)
Other crew
Den Abraham..............set dresser
Barry M. Berg............unit production manager
Alan 'Doc' Friedman......make-up
Richard Graves...........assistant director
Raul Gutierrez...........assistant to Scott Rudin
William Hiney............art director
Lawrence Karman..........camera operator
Mark Kusy................set dresser
James LaBarge............set dresser
Alyson Dee Moore.........foley
James Muro...............steadicam operator
Wendy Murray.............set dresser
Patricia Nedd............foley
Nina Paskowitz...........hair styles
Karyn Rachtman...........music supervisor
Patrick Romano...........stunt co-ordinator
Marcia Ross..............casting
Daniel Silverberg........assistant director
Jeffrey T. Spellman......location manager
Amy Wells................set decorator
Diana Williams...........assistant director
OK, so here it is. The entire script to Clueless
including important actions, songs from the
soundtrack, and my own personal comments.
Just hit the little speaker
Any suggestions, errors, anything?! Please email me pacey578@rocketmail.com
SCENE I - CHER'S HOUSE
"Kids in America" The Muffs
(Heaps of shots of the girls having fun)
CHER V.O.
So OK, you're probably thinking, "Is this, like a Noxema commercial, or what?!" But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl. I mean I get up, I brush my teeth, and I pick out my school clothes.
"Fashion Girl" David Bowie
Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kinds of lawyers. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. He's so good he gets paid five hundred dollars an hour just to fight with people, but he fights with me for free 'cause I'm his daughter.
CHER
Daddy!
MEL
Cher, please don't start with the juice again.
CHER
Daddy, you need your vitamin C.
MEL
Where's my briefcase?
CHER
It's been a couple of months now, so I say we go out to Malibu.
MEL
Don't tell me those braindead low-lifes have been calling again.
CHER
They are your parents. And don't try sneaking out of the office. Dr. Lovitz is coming by to give you a flu shot.
MEL
Oh, Josh is in town. He's coming for dinner.
CHER
Why?
MEL
Because he's your step-brother!
CHER
But you were hardly even married to his mother and that was five years ago. Why do I have to see Josh?
(Watch those LIPS!!)
MEL
You divorce wives, not children.
CHER
Here.
MEL
Forget it!
SCENE II - CHER'S CAR
"Just a girl" No Doubt
CHER V.O. 1a5
Did I show you the loqued-out Jeep Daddy got me? It's got four wheel drive, dual side airbags and monster sound system. I don't have a licence yet, but I need something to learn on.
(Cher runs over a potted plant on the kerb)
Oh, why that came out o f6c f nowhere.
(Watch her face when she looks back at the road)
Here's where Dionne lives. She's my friend because we both know what it's like to have people be jealous of us.
DIONNE
Dude!
CHER
Girlfriend!
CHER V.O.
And I must give her snaps for her courageous fashion efforts.
DIONNE
Hey Cher.
Dionne and I were both named after great singers of the past who now do infomercials.
DIONNE
So?
CHER
Shopping with Dr. Seuss?
DIONNE
Well, at least I wouldn't skin a Collie to make my backpack.
CHER
It's Faux.
DIONNE
Hello. That was a stop sign!
CHER
I totally paused!
DIONNE
Yeah, OK.
SCENE III - SCHOOL WALKWAY
DIONNE
It's not even eight thirty and Murray is paging me.
CHER
He is so possesive.
DIONNE
Tell me about it. This weekend he called me up and he's all "Where were you today?" and I'm like "I'm at my Grandmother's house"...
CHER V.O.
Dionne and her boyfriend, Murray are in this dramatic relationship. I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie just too many times. Now I have to say to her...
CHER
Dee, why do you put up with it? You could do so much better.
DIONNE
Alright, sh, sh. Here he comes.
"Shoop" Salt n' Pepa
MURRAY
Woman, why don't you be answering any of my pages?
1bd DIONNE
I hate when you call me Woman!
MURRAY
Where you been all weekend? What's up? You been jeepin' around behind my back?
DIONNE
Jeepin'?
CHER
Jeepin'.
(Watch Cher closely. It's Classic!)
MURRAY
Jeepin', jeepin'.
DIONNE
No, but speaking of vehicular sex, perhaps you can explain to me how this cheap K-mart hair extension got into the back seat of your car.
MURRAY
I don't know where that came from. That looks like one of your stringy something on others you got up here...
DIONNE
Excuse me. I do not wear polyester hair, OK. Unlike some people I know, like Shawanna.
CHER
Dee, I'm outie.
DIONNE
Bye.
MURRAY
Why do you gotta go there?
DIONNE
That's it. I've had it with you.
MURRAY
Is it that time of the month again?
(Croud Gasps)
CHER V.O.
I don't know why Dionne is going out with a high school boy. They're like dogs. You have to clean them and feed them and they're just like these nervous creatures that jump and slobber all over you.
(Random guy puts his arm around Cher)
Ooo! Get off of me! Uh, AS IF!
SCENE IV - CLASSROOM DEBATE
MR HALL
Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America? Amber will take the con position. Cher will be pro. Cher, two minutes.
So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all "What about the strain on our resources?" But it's like, when I had this garden party for my father's birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was like,
totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings, but by the end of the day it was like, the more the merrier! And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen 1ac , rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty?
(Class breaks into applause)
CHER
Thank you very much.
MR HALL
Uh, Amber? Replying?
AMBER
Mr. Hall, how can I answer that? The topic is Haiti and she's talking about some little party.
CHER
Hello?! It was his fiftieth birthday!
AMBER
Whatever. If she doesn't do the assignment, I can't do mine.
MR HALL
Ladies. So, does anyone have any further thoughts on Cher's oration? Elton? Comments?
ELTON
Yeah, I can't find my Cranberries CD. I've gotta do to the Quad before somebody snags it.
MR HALL
I'm afraid I can't permit that. Any further insights?
TRAVIS
I had an insight, Mr. Hall.
MR HALL
I'm all ears.
TRAVIS
OK, like, the way I feel about the Rolling Stones is the way my kids are going to feel about Nine Inch Nails, so I really shouldn't torment my Mom anymore, huh?
MR HALL
Yes. Well, it's a little off the subject of Haiti, but tolerance is always a good lesson, even when it comes out of nowhere.
TRAVIS
Thank you.
MR HALL
And with that in mind, I'm going to distribute you report cards. Now, is there a Christian Stobich in this class?
CHER
MR. Hall? The buzz on Christian is that his parents have joint
custody, so he'll be spending one semester in Chicago and one semester here. I think it is a travesty on the part of the legal profession.
(Look at Cher's face while speaking! Ahhh, I can't take it anymore!)
MR HALL
Thank you for that perspective Cher.
(Mr. Hall hands out the report cards)
Now could all conversations please come to a halt.
(Travis jumps up to the window)
And could the suicide attempts please be postponed till the next period?
TRAVIS
Must die.
(After C 1b9 her, the most classic character in the movie)
CHER V.O.
Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period. I got a C in debate?!
SCENE V - SCHOOL HALLWAY
CHER (on phone)
Dee?
DIONNE
Wassup?
CHER
Did you get your report card?
DIONNE
Yeah, I'm toast. How'd you do?
CHER
I totally choked. My father is going to go ballistic on me.
DIONNE
Mr. Hall was way harsh!
(Cher and Dionne meet up in the hall)
He gave me a C minus.
CHER
Well, he gave me a C, which drags down my entire average.
DIONNE
Bye.
CHER
I'll call ya, OK?
DIONNE
Yeah.
SCENE VI - CHER'S HOUSE
CHER V.O.
Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972. Wasn't my Mom a betty? She died when I was just a baby. A fluke accident during a routine liposuction. I don't remember her, but I like to pretend she still watches over me.
CHER
Hey, Ma. 98 in geometry. Pretty groovy, huh?
"Fake Plastic Trees (Acoustic Version)" Radiohead
Yuk! Uh, the maudlin music of the University station.
CHER
Waa, waa, waa.
(Cher enters the kitchen)
Yuh, what is it about college and cry-baby music?
JOSH
Hey, who's watching the Galleria?
So, the flannel shirt deal. Is that a nod to the crispy Seattle weather, or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?
JOSH (grabs Cher's tummy)
Oo, wow. You're filling out there.
CHER
Wow. Your face is catching up with your mouth.
JOSH
I went by Dad's office.
CHER
He is not your Dad. Why don't you f69 torture a new family.
JOSH
Hey, just because my mother marries someone else, doesn't mean he's my father.
CHER
Actually, Kato, that's exactly what it means.
(They enter the Lounge)
I hope you're not thinking of staying here.
JOSH
I sure want to.
CHER
I'm sure you do.
JOSH
I've got a place in Westwood, near School.
CHER
Shouldn't you go to school on the East Coast? I hear girls at N.Y.U. aren't at all particular.
JOSH
Hahaha, you're funny.
(Josh changes the channel from Beavis and Butthead to the News)
CHER
Hey! God, you just got here and already you're playing couch Commando!
JOSH
Hey! In some parts of the Universe, maybe not in Contempo Casual, but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.
CHER
Thank you, Josh. I so need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me that part about Kenny G again?
MEL (From Dining Room)
C'mon you chuckleheads, get in here!
(They move to the Dining Room)
Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter.
JOSH
I don't think so.
MEL (to Cher)
Doesn't he look bigger?
CHER
His head does.
MEL
So, Josh, have you given any thought to our little discussion about Corporate Law?
JOSH
Yeah, you know, but I think I'd really like to check out Environmental Law.
MEL
What for? Do you want to have a miserable, frustrating life?
CHER
Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does.
At least he knows what he's doing. And he's in good college. I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.
CHER
I have direction.
JOSH
Yeah, towards the mall.
MEL
Which reminds me, where's your report card?
CHER
It's not ready yet.
MEL
What do you mean, "it's not ready yet?"
CHER
Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, "Never accept a first offer", so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.
MEL
Very good.
(One of the mobile phones rings, everyone answers their phone)
CHER
Dee?
JOSH
Yeah?
MEL
Hello? Yeah, Jake, what? NO! Not the afternoon.
(Cher and Josh put their phones down)
CHER
You are such a brown-noser.
JOSH
Oh, and you are such a superficial space-cadet. What makes you think you can get teachers to change your grades?
MEL (in background)
I told you I wanted it in the morning! Doesn't he understand? In the morning.
CHER
Only the fact that I've done it every other semester.
SCENE VII - VARIOUS SCHOOL LOCALES
"Shake some action" Cracker
CHER V.O.
I told my P.E. teaher an evil male had broken my heart, so she raised my C to a B.
CHER
I'm so miserable. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't study.
MISS STOEGER
They're slime, they're slime, I mean they're horrible, don't feel bad, don't feel bad, I know, and you see they're all like this.
CHER V.O.
Then I promised Miss Giest I'd start a letter writing campaign to my congressman about violations of the clean air act.
But Mr. Hall was totally rigid. He said my debates were unresearched, unstructured, and unconvincing, AS IF!
I felt impotent and out of control, which I really hate. I needed to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts and regain my strength.
1bd
SCENE VIII - THE MALL
DIONNE
Dude, what's wrong? Are you suffering from buyer's remorse or something?
(Watch Cher flick her head)
CHER
God, no! Nothing like that. It's just that, we've been shopping all day and I still don't know what to do about Mr. Hall. I have tried everything to convince him of my scholastic aptitude, but I was brutally rebuffed.
DIONNE
Get over it, OK. He's a miserable little man who wants to make everyone else miserable too.
CHER
Dee, that's it! We've got to figure out a way to make Mr. Hall sublimely happy.
SCENE IX - SCHOOL
CHER V.O.
Here's the four-one-one on Mr. Hall. He's single, he's 47, and he earns minor duckets for a thankless job. What that man needs is a good healthy boinkfest. Unfortunately, there was a major babe drought in our school. The evil trolls from the math department were actually married,... oooh Snickers... and in the grand tradition of P.E. teachers, Ms. Stoeger seemed to be same-sex oriented. Of course, there was always Miss Giest. Something told me not to discount Miss Giest. Well sure, she has runs in her stockings, and her slip is always showing, and she always has more lipstick on her teeth than her mouth. God, this woman is screaming for a make-over. I'm her only hope.
(Cher is writing a note outside Miss Giest's pidgeon hole)
DIONNE
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May but thy eternal summer shall not fade. Phat! Did you write that?
CHER
Duh, it's like a famous quote.
DIONNE
From where?
CHER
Cliff's notes.
DIONNE
Oh.
(Travis and Miss Giest walk out of her office toward where Cher and Dionne have split the scene)
MISS GIEST
I know you're going to be better now. Now, you run along and I'll see you third period and you will try to remember to bring your textbook.
TRAVIS
Uh, OK.
(Miss Giest reads the note left by the girls and her face brightens)
DIONNE
Oh, my God! She actually looked happy!
CHER
Oooh, classic!
(Scene changes to Mr. Hall's classroom)
MR HALL
Paroudasm Budapshawn, 16 tardies to work off.
(Paroudasm mutters something in Farsi and his friends cheer)
Janet Huon, no tardies.
CLASSMATES
Kisser!
MR HALL
Travis Berkenstock, 38 tardies. By far the most tardies in the class. Congratulations.
(The whole class cheers and applaudes. Travis approaches the podium)
This is so unexpected, I, uh, I didn't even have a speech prepared. Uh, but I would like to say this: Tardiness is not something you can do all on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. Uh, I'd like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the L.A. city bus driver for taking a chance on an unknown kid, and, uh, last but not least, the wonderful crew at McDonalds for spending hours making those egg McMuffins, without which I might never be tardy.
Well, if Mr. Berkenstock has no political messages to include in his speech, I'll go on. Cher Horowitz, two tardies.
CHER
I object! Do you recall the dates of these alleged tardies?
(Cher in lawyer mode. Legendary!)
MR HALL
One was last Monday!
CHER
Mr. Hall, I was surfing the crimson wave, I had to haul ass to the ladies'.
MR HALL
I assume your referring to women's troubles, and so I'll let that one slide.
CHER
Thank you, Mr. Hall. Miss Giest was right about you.
MR HALL
What do you mean?
CHER
Well, she said that you were the only one in this school with any intelligence.
SCENE X - CHER'S HOUSE
MEL
Cher, get in here!
CHER
Yes, Daddy?
MEL
Would you tell me what the hell this is?
CHER
Um, a second notice for three outstanding tickets. I don't remember getting a first notice.
MEL
The ticket is the first notice. I didn't even know you could get tickets without a licence.
CHER
Oh, sure you can. You can get tickets anytime.
MEL
Oh, is 1a4 that so?
(Cher nods)
Well not around here you can't. From this moment on, you will not drive, sit, do anything in that jeep without a supervised driver present. And no cruisin' around with Dionne, alright? Two permits do not equal a licence! Do I make myself clear?
CHER
Yes, Daddy.
MEL
Cher, I expect you to become a good driver. I want to see you apply yourself.
CHER
I will. I'm gonna practise real hard.
MEL
OK.
(The scene moves to the poolside)
A licenced driver with nothing to do? Where would I find such a loser?
CHER
Hey, granola breath, you got something on your chin.
JOSH
I'm growing a goatee.
CHER
Oh, that's good. You don't want to be the last one at the coffee house without chin pubes.
JOSH
I can't tell you how much I enjoy these little chats of ours, but in the interest of saving time, why don't you just tell me what you want.
CHER
OK. So, actually, I have a permit and I can drive and all, but Daddy says I can't take the jeep out without a licenced driver, and since your not doing anything and all, you know?
JOSH
What are the chances of you shutting up until you get your way?
CHER
Hmmm, slim to none. C'mon!
SCENE XI - CHER'S CAR
JOSH
Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.
CHER
I am. You try driving in platforms.
Look, I got to get back to school. Ah, you want to practise parking?
CHER
What's the point? Everywhere you go has valet. What class you going to?
JOSH
Actually, I'm going to a tree people meeting. Me might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.
CHER
How fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants-dropping schedule to plant trees? Josh, why don't you just hire a gardener?
JOSH
You know, maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good cause, make a contribution. In case you have never heard of that, a contribution is the f5d giving of...
CHER
Excuse me, but I have donated many expensive Italian outfits to Lucy...
JOSH
time... funds...
CHER
And as soon as I get my licence I fully intend to brake for animals, and I have contributed many hours helping two lonely teachers find romance.
Which I'll bet serves your interest more than theirs. You know, if I ever saw you do something that wasn't ninety percent selfish, I'd die of shock.
CHER
Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.
SCENE XII - SCHOOL
CHER
Would you call me selfish?
DIONNE
No. Not to your face.
CHER
Really?
DIONNE
What's wrong? Is Josh giving you shit because he's going through his post-adolescent idealistic phase?
CHER
Look, there's Mr. Hall.
(The girls run over to Mr. Hall)
Mr. Hall, Mr. Hall, Mr. Hall, um, do you drink coffee?
MR HALL
Well, not from this cafeteria. But, uh, yes under normal circumstances.
CHER
Well, I am such a retard. When I was packing Daddy's lunch this morning I gave him my lemon snapple, and I took his sucky Italian roast. Do you want it?
MR HALL
Are you sure you don't want it?
CHER
Duh, it might stunt my growth. I wanna be 5'10" like Cindy Crawford. But I thought maybe you and Miss Giest might like it?
DIONNE
Maybe you can share it?
MR HALL
Well, uh, thanks.
CHER
Sure.
(To Dionne)
Hmm?
(Outside Miss Giest's office, she opens the door)
CHER & DIONNE
Miss Giest!
MISS GIEST
Hi girls. Did you sign up for the environmental fair?
DIONNE
Oh, yeah, we will.
CHER
You have such pretty eyes. Don't hide them. And these clips are so cute.
DIONNE
And this tiny little waist. Oooh, wow.
MISS GIEST
Girls. Oh, and don't forget to sign up for the environmental fair.
DIONNE
Not a total betty, but a vast improvement.
CHER
Well, we did our best.
DIONNE
Mmmm, Hmmm.
CHER
We gotta book it if we're going to make it to P.E.
(Scene moves outside)
C'mon, Dee.
DIONNE
Ohh, I feel like failing, dude, c'mon.
CHER
I know what you mean, but at least it's exercise. I feel like such a heffer. I had two bowls of special K, three pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, five peanut butter M&M's, and like, three pieces of licorice.
DIONNE
(Gasp) Oh, my God. Look. Is that a photo op, or what?
CHER
Will you look at that body language? Legs crossed towards each other. That's an unequivocal sex invite.
DIONNE
Oh, Cher, he's getting her digits. Look at Giest, she is so cute.
CHER
Ohh, old people can be so sweet.
"Change" Lightning Seeds
(The following scenes show Miss Giest and Mr. Hall get it on while everyone is thanking Cher.)
CHER V.O.
The entire student body was utterly grateful for the improvement in their grades.
SCENE XIII - CHER'S HOUSE
MEL
Cher, what's this all about?
CHER
My report card?
MEL
The same semester?
CHER
Uh-huh.
MEL
What'd you do? Turn in some extra-credit reports?
CHER
No.
MEL
You take the mid-terms over?
CHER
Uh-uh.
You mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C+ to an A-?
CHER
Totally based on my powers of persuasion. You proud?
MEL
Honey, I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades.
CHER
Thank you.
MEL
Fabulous.
SCENE XIV - SCHOOL P.E.
"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" Robert Hazard
CHER V.O.
I felt so satisfied, I wanted to do more good deeds.
(Dionne sneezes)
CHER
Dee, when your allergies act up, take out your nose-ring.
MISS STOEGER
Follow... through! There you go, there you go. All right, Cher. Earth to Cher! Come in Cher!
CHER
Oh. Miss Stoeger? I would just like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace. I mean, standing in line for forty minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I doubt I've worked off the calories in a stick of care-free gum.
(Class cheers)
MISS STOEGER
Well, you certainly exercised your mouth Cher. Now, hit the ball.
(Ball flies by, inches from Cher's nose)
CHER
Miss S 1a7 toeger, that machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen!
Th f5e anks for the legal advice.
(Cher returns to line)
Dionne? You're up.
DIONNE
Uh, no, Miss Stoeger? I have a note from my tennis instructor, and he would prefer it if I didn't expose myself to any training that might derail his teachings.
MISS STOEGER
Fine! Amber?
AMBER
Miss Stoeger. My plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.
DIONNE
Well, there goes your social life.
(Girls giggle. Principal walks onto the scene)
PRINCIPAL
Miss Stoeger? Got another one. Ladies, we have a new student with us. This is Tai Frasier.
MISS STOEGER
Tai, you don't have time to change, but you could hit a few balls in those clothes.
AMBER
She could be a farmer in those clothes.
CHER
Dee, my mission is clear. Would you look at that girl? She is so adorably clueless. We have got to adopt her.
DIONNE
Cher, she is toe-up. Our stock would plummet.
CHER
Dee, don't you want to use your popularity for a good cause?
DIONNE
No.
CHER
(Motions to Tai)
C'mere. Yeah, c'mere. Hang with us.
TAI
Oh, thank you.
CHER
How do you like California?
TAI
Man, I am freakin'. I could really use some sort of a herbal r 1b8 efreshment?
DIONNE
Well, we do lunch in ten minutes. We don't have any tea, but we have Coke and stuff.
TAI
No shit! You guys got Coke here?
DIONNE
Well, yeah.
CHER
Yeah, this is America.
(Scene changes to the girls walking down main path)
"Unknown song and artist"
CHER V.O.
So, we decided to show Tai the ropes at Bronson Alcott High School.
CHER
That is Alana's group over there. They do the T.V. station. They think that's the most important thing on Earth. And that's the Persian mafia. You can't hang with them unless you own a BMW. And there's Elton in the white vest, and all the most popular boys in the school.
DIONNE
Including my boyfriend. Ain't he cute?
TAI
Yeah.
CHER
If you make the decision to date a high school boy, they are the only acceptable ones.
TAI
Cher, which one of them is your boyfriend?
CHER
As if!
DIONNE
Cher's got attitude about high school boys.
CHER
It's a personal choice every woman has got to make for herself.
(Murray approaches the girls)
Woman, lend me five dollars.
DIONNE
Murray, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me Woman!
MURRAY
Excuse me, Miss Dionne.
DIONNE
Thank you.
MURRAY
OK, but street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking, but not necessarily in a misogynistic undertone.
(Murray hops away)
TAI
Wow! You guys talk like grown-ups.
CHER
Oh, well, this is a really good school.
TAI
I'm gonna go get a soda. You guys want?
CHER
Sure.
TAI
Alright.
DIONNE
She's nice.
CHER
Oooh, project!
(I can't put that cute little squeal into words)
(Scene changes to inside cafeteria)
"My Iron Lung" Radiohead
TRAVIS (To food)
Oh, wow. That's disgusting.
(To Tai)
That's nice representation.
TAI
Thanks. Those are really nice stickers.
TRAVIS
Oh, you like 'em? See, I was thinking it was too cluttered. You know, I wanna wipe all of this out and concentrate on one main decorative statement. Like, uh, Marvin the Martian. Right there.
TAI
Get outa town! I can do Marvin the Martian.
TRAVIS
Really?
TAI
Well, I mean, there's not really a lot to him. But, you wanna see?
TRAVIS
Yeah.
TAI
Here.
TRAVIS
Oh, wow! That's really cool.
TAI
Thanks.
TRAVIS
You drew that?
TAI
Yeah, and wait, I got... one here.
TRAVIS
You didn't trace this?
TAI
Uh-uh. No. Here's another one over here. And, lots of little guys.
TRAVIS
That is so cute!
TAI
I love to draw.
TRAVIS
You're really good at it.
TAI
No.
TRAVIS
Yeah, really you are.
TAI
No.
TRAVIS
Yeah!
(Scene changes to outside)
DIONNE
Are you sure that's fat free?
CHER
Oh, yes. And you lose wait by doing it like this. Like really small.
(Dionne giggles/hisses)
It's true.
TAI
I met a really cool guy.
CHER
Describe!
TAI
Alright, he's got long hair, he's really funny, and straight off, right? He offers me some smoke. There he is!
CHER
Are you talking about drugs?
TAI
Yeah.
CHER
Tai, how old are you?
TAI
I'll be sixteen in May.
CHER
My birthday is in April, and as someone older, can I please give you some advice?
(Tai nods)
f48It is one thing to spark up a dubie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day.
DIONNE
Do you see the distinction?
TAI
Yeah.
CHER
Loadies generally hang on the grassy knoll over there.
"unknown song and artist" guitarish
Sometimes they come to class and say bonehead things, and we all laugh, of course. But no respectable girl actually dates them.
DIONNE
Hmm-mm.
You don't want to start off on the wrong foot, do you?????????????
(TAI shakes her head)
I've got an idea. Let's do a make-over!
(Dionne lights up)
TAI
No, no.
DIONNE
Oh, c'mon! Let us! Cher's main thrill in life is a make-over. OK, it gives her a sense of control on a world full of chaos.
CHER
Pleeeaaase.
(How could anyone resist that?!)
TAI
Sure. Why not? Shit! You guys! I have never had straight friends before.
SCENE XV - MAKE-OVER AT CHER'S HOUSE
"Supermodel" Jill Sobule
(Various scenes of Cher and Dionne making over Tai, then Cher and Tai working out in the lounge room)
CHER
Squeeze in.
TAI
Cher, I don't wann 1b0 a do this any more, and my buns, they don't feel nothin' like steel.
CHER
OK, it will get easier, I promise. Just as long as we do it every day. Not just sporadically.
TAI
How do you know if we're doing it sporadically?
CHER
That's another thing, Tai. We've got to work on your accent and vocabulary. See, sporadic means once in a while. Try and use it in a sentence today.
TAI
Alright.
CHER
OK, from now on we're alternating Cindy Crawford's "Aerobicise" and "Buns of Steel", and reading one non-school book a week. My first book is "Fit or Fat".
TAI
Mine is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".
CHER
Good. Now that takes care of our minds and bodies, but we should do something good for mankind or the planet for a couple of hours.
(Josh walks in)
JOSH
Hey, brainiac.
CHER
Uh, the dreaded ex. Tai, this is Josh.
JOSH
Nice to meet ya.
CHER
Hey! You know about this stuff. I want to do something good for humanity.
JOSH
How about sterilization?
(Tai cracks up. Cher and Josh enter the kitchen)
CHER
So, what do ya think?
JOSH
I'm amazed.
CHER
That I'm devoting myself so generously to someone else?
JOSH
No, that you've found someone even more clueless than you are to worship you.
CHER
I am rescuing her from teenag 1ae e hell. Do you know the wounds from adolescence can take years to heal?
JOSH
Yeah, and you've never had a mother so you're acting out on that poor girl as if she was your Barbie doll.
CHER
Freshman psych rears it's ugly head
JOSH
Hey, I am not taking psych.
CHER
Whatever. I am going to take that lost soul in there and make her well-dressed and popular. Her life will be better because of me. How many girls can say that about you?
(Josh and Cher walk back to the lounge where Tai is watching T.V. and singing along with the "Mentos" ad. God I hate those ads!)
JOSH
Be seein' ya.
TAI
Yeah, I hope not sporadically.
SCENE XVI - SCHOOL
CHER
Oh, my God. Do you see how boys are responding? My heart is totally bursting.
DIONNE
I know. I'm kvelling!
(Travis approaches)
TRAVIS
Cher, you have Timor, right?
CHER
Giest.
TRAVIS
Hey, Tai! Did you get a flyer?
TAI
Uh-uh.
TRAVIS
Here.
TAI
Thanks. Wow, a party!
CHER
It's in the Valley. The cops usually break 'em up in less than an hour, and it takes that long to get there.
DIONNE
And besides, it's just local loadies.
TAI
Do you guys think that Travis is gonna be there?
1b4DIONNE
Tai, I thought we moved on from there.
CHER
Don't sell yourself short now. You've got something going for you that n f88 o one in this school has.
TAI
Oh, I'm not a virgin.
CHER
I mean mystery. As far as everyone is concerned you were the most popular girl in your school, and the fact that you hang with Dee and I, well...
DIONNE
Speaks very highly of you.
CHER
If you strike while the iron is hot, you can have any guy that you want.
TAI
Like who?
CHER
Let's see. Who's available? There's Bronson... I got it! Elton! He just broke up with Collette.
DIONNE
Oh, yes!
TAI
Who's Elton?
DIONNE
Oh, my God. He's way popular. He's like the social director of the crew.
CHER
Yeah, and his Dad can get you into any concert, and I noticed him scoping you out.
TAI
He was looking at me?
CHER
He said you gave him a toothache.
TAI
How'd I do that?
CHER
It's an expression. It means he thought you were sweet.
TAI
Yeah?
CHER
Yeah.
TAI
Wow.
DIONNE
Is that true?
CHER
No.
DIONNE
Oh, you are so bad.
(Scene moves to fountain where Cher is taking pictures of the crew)
"Alright" Supergrass
CHER
Ok, you guys, all get together. Oh, that is great. Smile! Tai, Tai, get a little closer. Closer Tai. Good, great! Hey, Elton, uh, why don't you put your arm around Tai?
ELTON
(Unwillingly) Alright!
CHER
Yeah, that's great.
(Check out Cher's little smile and rock! Awesome!)
OK. Tai, c'mere, c'mere, Tai.
(Scene moves to just Cher and Tai by bushes)
Hold that.
TAI
OK.
CHER
OK.
(Elton approaches.)
ELTON
Cool picture.
CHER
Doesn't she look classic?
ELTON
Yeah, this is beautiful.
CHER
She looks like one of those Bottichellis chicks.
ELTON
Hey, why don't you make me a copy of this, OK?
CHER
Sure.
(Another one of Cher's little squeals. Classic!)
SCENE XVII - CHER'S HOUSE, DINING ROOM
CHER
Hi Daddy. This is my friend, Tai.
MEL
Get out of my chair!
(Tai moves to opposite Cher. Lucy brings in dinner.)
CHER
Thank you, 1b8 Lucy. It looks great.
MEL
What is this crap?
CHER
Daddy, it's from the "Cut your Colesterol" c f6d ook book. Doctor Lovitz says you've got to get down to two hundred.
(Cher's pager beeps.)
MEL
No calls tonight.
CHER
But it's Dionne, it might...
MEL
Sorry!
CHER
It might be important.
MEL
We're going to have a nice family dinner. So, uh, what'd you do at school today?
CHER
Well... I broke in my purple clogs.
(Mel's phone rings.)
MEL
Yeah, hello? Alright, Jake. Yeah, yeah, no, no, what?
CHER
Dee? Whatup?
DIONNE
So, check it. Murray's geometry class is right by Elton's locker, and taped up inside was the picture you took of Tai.
CHER
Oh, my God.
TAI
What?
CHER
Elton's got a picture of you hanging up in his locker.
TAI
Oh, no shit!
DIONNE
Hello! So, anyway, the whole crew is going to this party in the Valley.
CHER
Bye.
(Cher hangs up the phone.)
Looks like we're going to have to make a cameo at the Val party.
MEL (in background)
I told you I want it in the morning. No!
SCENE XVIII - MURRAY'S CAR
DIONNE
Murray!
MURRAY
Just look at the top of the map. Sun Valley is north.
DIONNE
OK, no. All I see is Bel Air, OK.
MURRAY
Then you're on the wrong map.
DIONNE
I am not on the wrong map.
MURRAY
Look at the number on the top. What is the number on the top?
DIONNE
There are no numbers on the top. There's letters.
(Murray makes a frustrated noise.)
DIONNE
Murray, shut up!
CHER
Please don't friz out!
SCENE XIX - THE VAL PARTY
(The gang pull up outside the party.)
Listen Tai, when we get there make sure Elton sees you, but don't say hi first. Look like you're having fun and you're really popular. Talk to someone in his eyeline, preferably a guy. Make him come to you, and find an excuse to leave while he's still into the conversation. The key is, always have him wanting more. You got it?
TAI
I got it.
CHER
OK.
TRAVIS
Heads up!
(Does a rail slide with his skateboard on the stair-rail.)
TAI
Oh, did you just see that?!
CHER
Oh, God. Skateboards, that is like, so five years ago.
TRAVIS
Oh, you guys came! That's great! You want a beer? I'll get you one.
CHER (to Tai)
No. (The girls enter the party house.)
"Unknown song and artist"
TAI
This is ragin'.
CHER
Let's do a lap before we commit to a location.
(Dionne drags a dancing girl away from Murray.)
DIONNE
Who was that?!
TAI
Cher, ain't that the same dress that you was wearin' yesterday?
CHER
Say, Ambular?
AMBER
Hi.
CHER
Was that you going through my laundry?
AMBER
As if. Like I would really wear something from Judy's.
CHER
Do you prefer fashion victim or ensembly challenged?
(Amber walks off.)
AMBER
Uh!
CHER
What a clone.
TAI
Cher, you looked much better in that dress than she did.
(Travis bursts onto the scene spilling drink on Cher's shoes.)
CHER
Uh! Ruin my satin shoes, why don't you?!
TRAVIS
I'm sorry.
(They move to the kitchen.)
CHER
Excuse me, my shoes! Uh! This is so not fixable.
TRAVIS
It's a small price to pay to the party gods. Look, I'll make amends. How about some chronic shit?
CHER
Oh, it's the least you could do.
TAI
Spar 1b5 k it.
CHER
Hey, Elton's over there. Act like Travis is saying something funny.
(Tai hands joint to Cher and blows smoke in her face.)
TAI
Sorry.
(Tai starts cracking up.)
TRAVIS
What's so funny?
TAI
Nothing.
(Elton approaches and reaches behind Cher for the joint)
CHER
Oh, here.
(Summer enters holding a card)
SUMMER
Hey, everyone! Let's play suck and blow.
(The card passes through the group until Elton drops it (on purpose) and plants one right on Cher's mouth)
CHER
God, Elton. Can you suck?
(Dionne screams in the background)
It's Dee. C'mon!
(Scene changes to the bathroom, where Murray is getting his head shaved)
DIONNE
What have you done! Oh, my God! Uh! Why did you do this to your head?!
MURRAY
Because I'm keeping it real. Because I'm keeping it real.
DIONNE
What?!
MURRAY
'Cause I'm keeping it... 'cause I'm keeping it real.
DIONNE (to Cher)
Look! Look what he's done to his head! Can you believe this?
MURRAY
Look at Lawrence's head. Alright?
LAWRENCE
It's the bomb!
MURRAY
You know what I'm sayin'? You look good.
LAWRENCE
As will you.
DIONNE
What'd you care what he thinks, Murray? I'm the one that has to look at you. That was a big mistake. What am I going to do with you now? And ri f7d ght before the year book pictures? What am I going to tell my grandchildren?
MURRAY
Alright.
DIONNE
You know what? Ok, that's it.
MURRAY (mimicking)
That's it.
DIONNE
You wanna play games?
MURRAY (mimicking agin)
You wanna play games?
DIONNE
I'm calling your mother.
MURRAY
I'm... I'm ca... Oh, wait! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, wait. Don't call my Ma.
LAWRENCE
Yo, man. Chill, chill!
MURRAY
Chill?!
(Cher and Tai start walking away)
CHER
Same thing happened at the spring dance. She spent the entire after-party in the bathroom.
TAI
See, that almost destroyed by buzz.
CHER
I'm still baked.
TAI
Yeah.
(Back to the dance floor.)
"Rollin' With My Homies" Coolio
CHER
What do ya say, we go bump into people?
TAI
Yeah, I'm cool with that.
TRAVIS (from on the fireplace)
Hey, Tai! Wait up! Whooh!
(Travis jumps onto the crowd. No one keeps him up and he hits the deck.)
TAI
Are you OK?
TRAVIS (to dancers)
f78Where's your sense of pit hospitality?
TAI
That was so cool, the way you did that. I wish I could do it.
TRAVIS
Oh, no, don't.
TAI
Why not?
TRAVIS
Well, 'cause if girls did it, what would guys do to impress them?
TAI
I don't know, like stuff. You know?
TRAVIS
What kind of stuff?
(Cher spots Travis tuning Tai and butts in to stop it)
CHER
Tai, I need you.
TAI
OK.
CHER
Elton's over there.
(The girls start dancing. As Tai is trying to impress Elton she is hit in the head by a flying Clog)
CHER
Tai! Tai, Elton, help me!
(Elton carries Tai into the kitchen and places her on the counter)
CHER
Thank you.
TRAVIS
Here, you should use ice.
CHER
No, Travis! We've got it under control.
TRAVIS
Tai, are you OK?
CHER
Travis, Tai would have wanted you to enjoy the party.
CHER
If it's a concussion, you have to keep her concious, OK? Ask her questions.
ELTON
What's seven times s 1b9 even?
CHER
Stuff she knows!
(Tai sits up and hits her head on the light. What a clutz!)
ELTON
Some bump you've got there.
TAI
Yeah.
ELTON
Yeah? You ready to go back out there?
TAI
Yeah, I am.
ELTON
Alright. Are you sure? Can you do this? (Singing) Rollin' with the homies.
TAI
(Singing) Rollin' with the homies.
(Great voice.)
ELTON
Yeah, let's do it. You're ready.
(Elton and Tai go back to the dance floor.)
CHER V.O.
I had to give myself snaps for all the good deeds I was doing. It was so great. Love was everywhere. Even though I was alone, I was really happy for Tai. It's like that book I read in ninth grade that said, "'tis a far, far better thing doing stuff for other people."
(Scene changed to outside by the pool. Cher's phone rings.)
CHER
Hello?
MEL
Do you know what time it is?
CHER
A watch really doesn't go with this outfit, Daddy.
MEL
Where are you?
CHER
Uuhh, just having a snack with my girlfriends.
MEL
Where, in Kuwait?!
CHER
Is that in the Valley?
MEL
Cher, I expect you to w 1b8 alk in this door in twenty minutes.
CHER
Well, um, it might take longer than that, Dad.
MEL
Everywhere i f5d n L.A. takes twenty minutes.
(Cher hangs up the phone.)
(Scene changes to outside front of party house.)
CHER
Sorry to make you leave, Dionne is bucking for best dramatic actress at a Val party.
(Tai laughs.)
CHER
Hey, Summer!
SUMMER
Hi! Pretty random fiesta. Need a ride home?
CHER
That'd be great! Thanks!
ELTON
No, I got it.
SUMMER
Well, I'm right below Wilshire and Lindon.
TAI
Oh, that's right near me! I'm, um, above Olympic.
ELTON
Great! Then, Tai you'll go with Summer, and Cher you'll come with me.
CHER
Actually, you could take Wilshire to Cannon and that turns into Bennedict.
ELTON
Well, then she'd have to go back south and I'm already going north.
CHER
But, you could take Tai on your way up to Sunset. Yeah.
ELTON
That doesn't make any sense! I'd have to get off the freeway, I hate that. Tai, go with Summer, Cher, you'll come with me. Watch your feet.
(Each get into respective cars and wave each other goodbye.)
SCENE XX - ELTON'S CAR
"Away" The Cranberries
(Elton is singing along to music. Trying to be sexy, but he fails miserably, the sleazy bastard!)
CHER
Didn't Tai look cute tonight?
(Elton j 1ad ust sings.)
I really love her hair when it's all wild, you know? But it's also very pretty when it's all up, with that curly tendrils. Like in that picture I took.
ELTON
You know, y f7f ou're one of my best friends and I do not have friends that are girls.
CHER
Well, I'm glad, because your happiness means a lot to me.
ELTON
It does?
CHER
Sure. I mean, I saw how hard your breakup with Collette was.
ELTON
Yeah. I think we both know what it feels like to be lonely.
CHER
Whatever. The thing is, is that I'd really like to see you settled already.
(Elton pulls the car into a parking lot.)
Where are we going?
(The car stops.)
ELTON
I knew it, I knew it.
(Elton makes a pass at Cher.)
CHER
Oooh, you knew what?!
ELTON
That you were totally sprung on me.
CHER
Hello?! Don't you mean Tai?
ELTON
Tai?!
CHER
You have her picture in your locker.
ELTON
I have the picture you took in my locker.
CHER
Ohh, I'm having a twin peaks experience.
ELTON
I knew it, I knew it when you kissed me.
CHER
Suck and Blow is a game, Elton!
(Elton has another go at Cher.)
Stop it!
ELTON
1b3Alright! You know, I don't get you Cher. I mean, you flirt with me all year.
CHER
As if! I have been tryng to get you together with Tai.
ELTON Tai?! Why would I go with Tai?
CHER
Why not?
ELTON
Why not? Why not?! Don't you even know who my father is?
CHER
You are snob and a half.
ELTON
Cher, listen to me. Me and Tai, I mean, we don't make any sense, right? Me and you, well, makes sense.
(Elton tries for Cher, yet again.)
CHER
Cut it out!
ELTON
C'mon.
CHER
Stop it!
(Cher gets out of the car.)
(Watch Cher compose herself after getting out of the car. i.e. the head movements and sound effects.)
ELTON
Cher?! Where are you going? You're only hurting yourself here, baby. C'mon, you gonna walk home? Would you get back in the car, please? Get back in the car.
CHER
Leave me alone!
ELTON
Fine!
(Elton drives away. What a prick!)
CHER
Hey, where are you going? Shit!
(Cher whips out the phone and dials)
OPERATOR
Valley information.
CHER
Yeah, do you have the number of a cab company?
OPERATOR
Which one?
CHER
I don't know which one. What do you have out here?
OPERATOR
We have Valley Cabs...
ROBBER
Hand it over.
( f51 Cher squeals/moans)
Give me the phone.
(Cher complies)
OK. Bag, too. C'mon! Alright, now, uh, get down on the ground. Face down. C'mon!
CHER
Oh, no. You don't understand, this is an Alaia.
ROBBER
An a-what-a?
CHER
It's like a totally important designer.
ROBBER
And I will totally shoot you in the head. Get down!
(Cher whimpers as she lies down on the pavement)
Alright, um, count to a hundred. Thank you.
CHER
One, two...
CHER V.O.
The evening had turned into a royal mess. Sexually harrassed, robbed. I didn't know the number of the party, so I couldn't call Dionne, and Daddy would kill me if he knew where I was. There was just one person left to call, and I really, really didn't want to call him.
(Cher dials up Josh's place. He's trying to get it on with his girlfriend)
JOSH
C'mon.
(Phone rings)
Hello.
CHER
Josh, you busy?
HEATHER
Who is it?
JOSH
It's Mel's daughter.
CHER
So, OK, I was at this party, and my designated driver tried to attack me, so I got out 'cause we'd stopped, and then he drove off and deserted me, and then this guy with a gun held me up, took my money, and my phone and he yelled at me and he forced me to ruin my dress.
JOSH
OK, OK, look, um. Where are you?
1c1 CHER
Sun Valley.
JOSH
Man, you owe me.
SCENE XXI - JOSH'S CAR
"The Ghost in You" Counting Crows
HEATHER
The man is ridiculous. He doesn't have one unique thought in his little, puny brain.
JOSH
I think there's some merit in learning the form straight off.
SCENE XXIV - CHER'S HOUSE
CHER V.O.
Suddenly, Daddy had a case that had to be solved right away, so some clerks and Josh came to help him go through a gazillion depositions.
(The doorbell rings)
CHER (from upstairs)
Daddy!
MEL
What?
CHER
I can't just open it, I have to make him wait a while.
MEL
Then he can wait outside.
CHER
Josh, pleeeaaase!
(Who could resist that?!)
C'mon, Josh? C'mon.
(Josh opens the door. Christian walks right in)
CHRISTIAN
What do ya hear?
JOSH
She's not ready.
(The two of them walk over to where Mel is working)
CHRISTIAN
Hey, man.
(Christian extends his hand, but Mel ignores it)
Nice pile of bricks you got here.
MEL
You drink?
CHRISTIAN
No, thanks. I'm cool.
MEL
I'm not offering, I'm asking you if you drink? You think I'd give alcohol to teenage drivers taking my daughter out?
CHRISTIAN
Hey, man. The protective vibe, I dig.
MEL
What's with you kid? You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening in the Rat Pack?
(Cher appears walking down the stairs. Josh and every male in the audience is stunned)
CHER
Christian.
CHRISTIAN 1c9
Doll face.
CHER
Handsome.
CHRISTIAN
Stunning.
JOSH (to Mel)
You're not letting her go out like that, are ya? MEL
Cher, get in here.
CHER
What's up, Daddy?
MEL
What the hell is that?
CHER
A dress.
MEL
Says who?
CHER
Calvin Klein.
MEL
It looks like underwear. Go upstairs and put something over it.
CHER
Duh, I was just going to.
(Cher runs off)
MEL
Hey, you?!
(Christian turns around)
Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you.
(Cher reappears)
CHER
Bye, Daddy. C'mon!
(They walk out)
CHER
It's so killer!
CHRISTIAN
Thank you. Your dad is pretty scary.
CHER
Isn't he?
CHRISTIAN
You like Billie Holiday?
CHER
I love him.
CHRISTIAN
Right.
"Miss Brown To You" Billie Holiday
(They drive off)
JOSH
I didn't like him.
MEL
What's to like?
JOSH
I think I should go to the party.
MEL
If you feel like you should go...
JOSH
You don't need me, do ya?
MEL
No, no, no.
JOSH
I mean, unless you want? I mean, unless you want?
MEL
Josh! Go to the party. Go, go, go, go.
JOSH
OK. I'll watch her for you.
(Josh walks off)
MEL
You do that.
SCENE XXV - THE FRAT PARTY
"Someday I Suppose" Mighty Mighty Bosstones
(Everyone is just dancing. Tai enters)
CHER
Tai!
(Tai falls down the stairs on her butt! Classic!)
Oh, my God. Tai, are you OK?
TAI
God, shit! That is so embarassing!
CHER
No, no one saw.
TAI
Now, all night long, I'm gonna be known as that girl who fell on her butt.
CHER
Tai, no one noticed.
"Where'd You Go?" Mighty Mighty Bosstones
COLLEGE GUY
Wow! Are you OK? That looked really bad.
TAI
Yeah, thanks.
(Tai spots Elton dancing with Amber.)
Oh, my God, Cher, look. He's going with Amber?!
CHER
No, he's probably just dancing with her.
TAI
Do you think she's pretty?
CHER
No, she's a full on Monet.
TAI
What's a monet?
CHER
It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess. Let's ask a guy. Christian, what do you think of Amber?
CHRISTIAN
Hagsville.
CHER
See?
1ba CHRISTIAN
Dig this. They're charging for brewskies. Cash me a five, I'll pay you back.
CHER
Sure.
(Christian kisses Cher on the cheek) CHRISTIAN
Thanks.
(Christian walks away)
TAI
He is so cute!
CHER
Oh, my God. Do you see how he is falling in love with me?
(The girls watch Christian shrug off an interested girl)
I mean, look how he ignores every other girl.
TAI
Oh, God, look. There's Josh.
CHER V.O.
I didn't even see him come in, but it's like he finds the only adult in here, like he's deliberately trying to not have fun.
(Watch the look on Cher's face as she's waving. Truly legend.)
TAI
Cher, I have a question. What do you think I should do with this thing? Should I, uh, like tie it around, or put it over my shoulder?
CHER
Tie it around your waist.
CHRISTIAN
Ready to slide?
TAI
Thanks.
CHRISTIAN
Let's go.
(Christian and Cher return to the dance floor)
CHER V.O.
The band was kickin', and Christian was the hottest guy there, but my enjoyment was put on pause when I saw how unhappy Tai was.
(Josh walks over to Tai, engages in small talk, then asks her to dance)
CHER
Oh, look, look! Josh is dancing with Tai, he never dances.
CHRISTIAN
I can see why.
CHER
No, he's doing her a prop so she won't feel left out.
CHRISTIAN
Oh, I dig it.
(Time passes. Cher, Tai, Josh, and Christian are left. Christian is still dancing by himself)
" f83 ;Here (Squirmel Mix)" Luscious Jackson
JOSH
How are you guys holding up?
CHER
We're so ready to leave.
TAI
I'm tired.
CHER
Let's get Christian and go. Christian! You wanna go?
CHRISTIAN
Now? These guys here have got the skinny on the happenin' after hours.
CHER
My trainer's coming really, really early this morning.
CHRISTIAN
Oh.
JOSH
Look, I could take the girls home.
CHRISTIAN
No, it's OK.
CHER
No, I'm fine, stay.
CHRISTIAN
You sure?
CHER
Yeah, sure.
CHRISTIAN (to Josh)
Thanks, man. You got my marker.
(to Cher) You are a down girl. I'll call you tomorrow.
SCENE XXVI - JOSH'S CAR
CHER
That was really decent of you to dance with Tai tonight.
JOSH
My pleasure.
CHER
You notice any positive changes in her?
JOSH
Yeah, it's under your tutilage she's exploring the challenging world of bare midriffs. So you didn't want to make a night of it with the ring-a-ding kid?
CHER Yeah, Daddy wouldn't go too ballistic, it's not like he's going to sleep or anything.
JOSH
No, not if they're going to finish those depo's.
CHER
Hey, you what would be so dope? If we got some really delicious take-out. I bet they haven't eaten all night.
JOSH
That would be pretty dope of us. Let's do it.
SCENE XXVII - CHER'S HOUSE
CHER V.O.
The midnight snack totally revived the lawyers and Daddy was way grateful.
MEL
Mmm, Meat!
CHER
Meaty oranges and you get a lot of vitamin C.
(Mel picks up a large sandwich)
Daddy, no! Daddy, no. You know you can't have that...
MEL
Cher, c'mon!
CHER
Don't be silly.
CHER V.O.
I know it sounds mental, but sometimes I have more fun vegging out than when I go partying. Maybe because my party clothes are so binding.
JOSH
Look, I'm just curious. How many hours a day do you spend grooming yourself?
CHER
Some people are not lucky enough to be as naturally adorable as you are.
JOSH
Stop it, you're making me blush.
(Phone rings. Cher answers)
CHER
Hello?
GAIL
Hi Cher, how are you?
CHER
Hi, Gail.
GAIL
Is my son there, cleaning out your refridgerator?
(Josh motions a "No" to Cher)
CHER
No, no, he's not here. You should try the dorms.
GAIL
Alri f7e ght, bye, hon.
CHER
Bye-bye.
(Cher hangs up the phone)
What was that all about?
JOSH
She wants me to come home for spring break.
CHER
So, what's the big deal? Nobody will be in school.
JOSH
Yeah, but husband number four's at home and his whole idea of acting like a family is to criticize me.
CHER
So, what? You're just going to roam around campus for two weeks all by yourself?
JOSH
I don't mind.
CHER
That is stupid. Why don't you just come here, you can have your old room, and there are going to be some great parties.
JOSH
I don't know.
CHER
Why not?
JOSH
You got your whole social world going on, I don't want to get in the way.
CHER
you won't be in the way.
JOSH
How much fun would it be having a brother-type tagging along?
CHER
Josh, you are not my brother.
JOSH
You know what I mean.
CHER
C'mon, you need some excitement in your life. It'll replenish you for your finals.
JOSH
OK.
CHER
Good.
JOSH
I can't believe I'm taking advice from someone who watches cartoons.
CHER
f44That's Ren and Stimpy. They're way existential.
JOSH
Do you have any idea what you're talking about?
CHER
No, why? Do I sound like I do?
SCENE XXVIII - CHER'S HOUSE
(Theme from "2001:A Space Odyssey" is playing while camera is focused on phone. The phone rings)
CHER V.O.
Christian said he'd call the next day, but in boy time, that meant Thursday. So, you can imagine my astonishment to hear from him while I was packing Daddy up.
CHER
Hello?
"I Believe I'm You" Gail Orange
CHER V.O.
He said he'd come over with some video tapes and we'd watch them. A night alone with Christian! I sent for reinforcements. Then, Dee and I had to design a lighting concept, and costume decisions. I don't rely on mirrors, so I always take polaroids. Whenever a boy comes, you should always have something baking.
CHER
Oh, I'm still all red.
DIONNE
Well, I'm trying to make you as white as I can, Cher. Look, you're all flushed. You have to calm down. OK? Calm.
CHER
You know, I am so glad I never did it with someone I had lukewarm feelings for. Christian is brutally hot, and I am going to remember tonight forever.
DIONNE
Blot.
(Later)
(The door bell rings. Cher opens the door)
CHRISTIAN
Hi.
CHER
Hi.
CHRISTIAN
Is something burning?
CHER
Oh, my God!
(Cher runs to the kitchen. The bake was fried)
CHRISTIAN
Oh, honey, you baked.
CHER
I tried.
CHRISTIAN
C'mon, show me the rest of your pad.
(Cher and Christian are outside among Mel's art collection)
CHRISTIAN
Your father has a well-rounded collection.
CHER
Daddy says it's a good investment.
CHRISTIAN
He's absolutely right. Klaus Oldenberg.
CHER
Oh, he's way famous!
(Christian approaches a different sculpture)
CHRISTIAN
This is older, see? Transitional. A very important piece.
CHER
Um, do you want to go swimming?
CHRISTIAN
Hmmm, let's watch the movies.
CHER
Oh, OK.
(Scene moves to Christian and Cher lying on bed watching "Spartacus")
CHER V.O.
Christian had a thing for Tony Curtis, so he brought over "Some Like It Hot" and "Sparaticus".
(Cher starts rubbing her feet up against Christian's legs. Christian doesn't enjoy it)
CHER
My feet are cold.
(Christian puts a pillow over Cher's feet)
Thanks.
CHRISTIAN
Oh, watch this part, this is good.
(Cher falls off the bed while trying to look sexy. Too funny.)
Are you OK?
CHER
1b2I'm fine. Do you want some, something to drink? You know, I could get you some wine.
CHRISTIAN
No. You notice how wine makes people wanna feel, like sexy.
CHER
That's OK.
CHRISTIAN
I'm actually getting tired.
CHER
But, um, I could make you some coffee if you'd like?
CHRISTIAN
Oh, no thanks. Got the ulcer.
CHER
But you had all those cappucinos before?
CHRISTIAN
Oh. Well, you know, that was, like... foam.
(They move to the front door)
You're great. We're friends, right?
(Cher nods)
Knock me a little kiss.
(Cher kisses him on the cheek)
I'll see ya.
(Christian leaves)
CHER V.O.
I don't get it. Did my hair get flat? Did I stumble into some bad lighting? What's wrong with me?
(NOTHING!)
SCENE XXIX - MURRAY'S CAR
DIONNE
Nothing! Maybe he really was tired!
CHER
I suppose it wasn't meant to be, I mean, he does dress better than I do. What would I bring to the relationship?
MURRAY
Get back into the right lane. What's the first thing you do?
DIONNE
First thing I do is, I put on my blinker.
(Dionne accidently turns the wipers on)
Oh, wait, shit.
MURRAY
Watch the road, watch the road!
DIONNE
Alright! Stop. Then, I look in my mirror. OK, then I glance at my blind spot.
MURRAY
Glance with your head, not the whole car. I swear to God, I swear to God, Woman, you can't drive for shit!
DIONNE
I'm not trying to hear that.
MURRAY
Hear me...
CHER
Actually, going all the way is like a really big decision. I can't believe I was so caprecious about it. Dee, I almost had sex with him.
MURRAY
You almost had sex with who?
CHER
Christian.
(Murray cracks up)
DIONNE
What?
MURRAY
Yo, look. Are you bitches blind or something? Your man, Christian is a cake-boy!
CHER & DIONNE
A what?!
MURRAY
He's a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streissand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I'm saying?
CHER
Uh-uh. no way.
MURRAY
He's gay.
CHER
Not even.
MURRAY
Yes, even.
DIONNE
He does like to shop, Cher, and the boy can dress.
CHER
Oh, my God. I am totally buggin'. I feel like such a bonehead.
MURRAY
What the hell? Yo, you 1b8 're getting on the freeway!
DIONNE
What?!
MURRAY
Yo, turn right! Get out of the lane! Don't go. Forget p f42 rocedure, just get out of the lane!
(Both Cher and Dionne scream)
MURRAY
Truck, truck, truck, truck! Ahhh!
CHER (screaming)
You're on the freeway!
DIONNE
What do I do, Murray?
MURRAY
Go straight, go straight, go straight! Just relax and drive, baby! Just relax and drive.
(An old lady gives them the finger)
CHER (screaming)
Shut up! Shut up!
(Lots of screams from everybody)
MURRAY
Whatever you do, keep your hands on the wheel, at all times!
(A huge truck closes in on them. Murray sees it)
Aaahhhhh!!!
(A lot more screaming from the three)
Turn to the right! Oh, there it is. Alright, we're off. Damn, you did wonderful. Sorry, baby.
CHER
You did it, Dee!
MURRAY
Relax, relax, relax, relax, honey, relax. Baby, relax, relax. Breathe, breathe, breath in, breathe. Let it out. Breathe, breathe, breathe, honey, breathe, breath. Relax, relax.
CHER V.O.
Boy, getting off the freeway makes you realize how important love is. After that, Dionne's virginity went from technical to non-exisistant. I realized how much I wanted a boyfriend of my own.
SCENE XXX - THE MALL
CHER V.O.
Not that Christian wasn't a blast to hang out with. He was becoming one of my favourite shopping partners.
CHRISTIAN
???????? Um, where's Tai?
CHER Oh, she met some random guys at the Foot Locker and escorted them right over there.
TAI (in distance)
Oh, my God! D f87 id you see...
CHER
I don't know where she meets these Barnies.
CHRISTIAN
I have a question, alright?
CHER
What?
CHRISTIAN
The jacket? Is it James Dean or Jason Priestly?
CHER
Carpe' diem. OK, you looked hot in it.
CHRISTIAN
Really?
TAI (with the barnies)
If I fall, would you guys catch me?
CHER
Could we please be more... generic?
(Tai screams)
TAI
Stop it! Please! Bring me back up, please! Bring me back up.
(Tai screams a little more, then Christian rescues her)
TAI
Thank you.
CHRISTIAN
You asshole!
BARNEY #1
Hey, man. We're just joking.
CHRISTIAN
Oh, really?! Someone could get killed.
(Tai runs over and hugs Cher)
TAI
Cher, you don't understand. I was just sitting there and I was just talking to those guys, and then, all of a sudden, we were laughing, and...
CHRISTIAN
Hey, are you OK?
TAI
Yeah.
CHRISTIAN
Are you sure?
TAI
I'm fine. Yeah, uh-huh.
CHRISTIAN
Let's get you home for some R&R, huh?
TAI
What's that?
(Christian laughs)
CHER V.O.
Boy, considering how clueless she was, Tai certainly had that "damsel in distress" act down.
SCENE XXXI - SCHOOL
CHER V.O.
Meanwhile, back at school, everyone was talking about Tai's "brush with death" at the mall.
STUDENT
Was it, like a montage of all the scenes in your life?
TAI
Not exactly a montage...
SUMMER
Hey, Cher! Is it true some gang members, like tried to shoot Tai in the mall?
CHER
No.
SUMMER
That is what everyone is saying.
CHER
Whatever.
STUDENT
When I was nine, I fell off the jungle gym, that's when I saw this light, you know?
TAI
Wait, wait. Move down for Cher.
DIONNE
Hi!
AMBER
Tell me more, tell me more.
TAI
Where was I?
AMBER
You were thinking about was really important.
TAI
Oh, right, right. Right before you die, your mind just sort of gets very clear. It's a very intense, spiritual thing...
CHER
Well, I know when I was held at gun-p 1bc oint...
STUDENT
Excuse me. (to Tai) You were saying.
TAI
It's spiritual. I don't know, I can't, I can't pinpoint the spirituality out for you, you know, if you've never experienced anything...
SCENE XXXV - CHER'S HOUSE
CHER V.O.
But now I don't know how to act around him. I mean, ordinarily I would strut around in my cutest little outfits and send myself flowers and candy, but I couldn't do that stuff with Josh.
(Cher and Josh are in the lounge watching T.V.)
JOSH
What's with you?
CHER
What do you mean?
JOSH
You're so quiet. You haven't made me watch the real world?
CHER
I care about the news.
JOSH
Since when?
CHER
Since now.
(T.V. shows scenes from Bosnia)
JOSH
You look confused.
CHER
Well, uh, I thought they declared peace in the Middle East.
(Scene changes to Mel's Den with Cher walking past the door in her pyjamas)
MEL
Cher, get in here!
CHER
What's up Daddy?
MEL
What are you doing, dancing infront of my office?
CHER
Nothing, I just wanted to see if you needed any help with anything.
MEL
Yeah, you caould help me with something. Come over here. Every time that you see a telephone conversation that took place on September third, highlight it. just September third.
CHER
OK.
MEL
Fun, huh?
CHER (laughing)
Yeah. Daddy, did you ever have a problem t f1f hat you couldn't argue your way out of?
MEL
Tell me the problem, and we'll figure out how to argue it.
CHER
I like this boy.
MEL
Yes?
CHER
And he likes someone else.
MEL
How could that be?
CHER
I don't know, but I feel wretched.
MEL
Well, obviously this boy is a complete moron. You are the most beautiful girl in Beverly Hills. And to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I want you with a stupid fella like that.
CHER
Well, actually he is a smart guy and, you know he's one of those do-gooder types, and now I feel like all my after-school commitments are just not good enough.
MEL
How can you say that? Who takes care of everyone in this household? Who makes sure that Daddy eats right? To tell you the truth, I have not seen such good-doing sice your mother.
CHER
Really?
MEL
Really. Now get back to work.
SCENE XXXVI - PISMO BEACH DISASTER
CHER V.O.
Later, while we were learning about the Pismo Beach diaster, I decided I needed a complete make-over, except this time I'd make-over my soul. But what makes someone a better person? And then I realised, all my friends were really good in different ways. Like, Christian, he always wants things to be beautiful and interesting. Or Dionne and Murray, when they think no one is watching, are so considerate of each other. And poor Miss Giest, always trying to get us involved, no matter how much we resist?
MISS GIEST
Oh, it's just, that doesn't even show... you know, every single possesion, every memory, everything you had your whole life... gone 1b6 in a second. Can you imagine what that must feel like?
(Elton raises his hand)
Elton?
ELTON
Can I use the Pa f7b ss?
MISS GIEST
Yeah. We'll be collecting blankets, disposable diapers, canned goods...
(Cher raises her hand)
CHER
Miss Giest?
MISS GIEST
Cher?
CHER
I wanna help.
MISS GIEST
That would be wonderful.
CHER V.O.
I felt better already.
(Back at Cher's house)
CHER
Daddy?
MEL
What?
CHER
You didn't like that red caviar, did you?
MEL
What's she talking about?
(Cher starts dragging a heap of stuff to the front door)
MEL
Cher, what are you doing?
CHER
I'm captain of the Pismo Beach disaster relief.
MEL
I don't think they need your skis.
CHER
Daddy, some people lost all their belongings, don't you think that includes athletic equipment?
MEL
This is your influence, Josh?
(Scene changes to sign-on stall at school)
"Shake Some Action" Cracker
CHER
Hey, c'mere. Sign up, it's going to be really fun.
(Scene cahnges to indoors)
No, you know what? Can you please take it to bedding? Yes, thank you very much.
Oh, Miss Giest, Miss Giest.
MISS GIEST
Yes, dear?
CHER
I need more boxes, they're all filled up.
MISS GIEST
Already? Great!
CHER
I divided them into entres and apetisers.
MISS GIEST
Oh, OK, I'll have them picked up.
TRAVIS
Hey.
CHER
Proper. This is really decent of you Travis.
TRAVIS
Sure.
(Cher picks up a Bong from Travis' box.)
I wasn't sure about that. I don't need it anymore, but far be it from me to deny anyone else, you know? Oh, I wanted to tell you something, I'm sorry about your shoes.
CHER
What shoes?
TRAVIS
The red ones with the strappy things?
CHER
Oh, those are so last season. What even made you think of them?
TRAVIS
Well, it's one of my steps, you see? I joined this club, and there are these steps...
CHER
Twelve?
TRAVIS
Yeah, twelve! How'd you know?
CHER
Wild guess.
TRAVIS
Wow, good guess. Ah, also, here.
(Travis hands Cher a flyer)
CHER (reading)A.S.L. ?
TRAVIS
Ameteur Skateboarding League. This clarity thing has brought me to, like a whole new level with my f6b skating. You gotta see it. Would you come Saturday?
CHER
Sure.
TRAVIS
Cool!
CHER (holding up bong)
Well, um, I guess, kitchenware?
TRAVIS
That's where I used to keep it.
SCENE XXXVII - A.S.L. COMPETITION
"Mullet Head" Beastie Boys
(Tai approached Cher at the drinks stand)
TAI
Hi?
CHER
Hi.
TAI
Cher, can I talk to you a minute?
CHER
Um, sure.
TAI
Look, I have been in agony the past week and I can't even believe that I went off the way I did.
CHER
No, I have been going down a shame spiral. I cannot even believe I was so unsupportive of your feelings for Josh.
TAI
No, you are entitled to your own opinion, alright? I'm the tart here. Cher, you've been nothing but super-duper nice to me.
CHER
Not even. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have even liked that loser, Elton. I'm so sorry, Tai.
TAI
Cher, I'm really sorry. Oh, shit. Now I'm going to go ahead and cry.
CHER
Let's never fight again, OK?
(Cher and Tai hug. Travis is announced on the P.A.)
PA
Next up, number fourteen, Travis Berkenstock.
(The girls sit down, e 1ba xcitedly giggling and pointing to Travis.)
TAI
Alright Travis!
CHER
I had no idea he was so motivated.
TAI
Oh, I did.
CHER V.O.
When I saw the sparks between Tai and Travis, I knew Josh was out of the picture.
SCENE XXXVIII - CHER'S HOUSE
JOSH
You look like Pippi Longstocking.
CHER
Well, you look like Forrest Gump. Who's Pippi Longstocking?
JOSH
Someone Mel Gibson never played.
CHER
Funny.
(Cher lets her hair down, and Josh is dumbfounded by her beauty)
LAWYER
What happened to the August 28th files?
JOSH
Hmm, what?
LAWYER
Mel wanted them tonight, there were twice as many. He's gonna go ballistic, where are they?
CHER
I think I checked them for the September third conversation.
LAWYER
What?
JOSH
Where'd you put them?
CHER
I divided them into two piles. Is that wrong?
LAWYER
Oh, my God. I have to redo all that. What are you, some kind of idiot?
JOSH
Hey, she didn't know.
LAWYER
She just set us back a day. Who cares about the September call? Now we're screwed!
CHER
I'm sorry.
LAWYER
Just forget it, OK? Just go back to the mall or something.
(Cher runs out of the room)
JOSH
What's your problem, man? She didn't f39 mean any harm.
LAWYER
I'm gonna get killed because she's a moron.
JOSH
She's not a moron. You know, if you were paying attention to your assignment, it wouldn't have happened.
LAWYER
Well, if you hadn't been playing footsy with the dumb kid, she wouldn't be bothering me.
JOSH
What the hell are you talking about?!
LAWYER
You know exactly what I'm talking about. Josh, this is a multi-million dollar law suit, not some excuse for puppy-love.
JOSH
Look, we've been working our butts off on this case!
LAWYER
Well, tell you what? You do whatever you want with your butts, I'm calling in sick.
(Lawyer leaves while Josh slams the door behind him. Cher is sitting at the top of the stairs)
CHER
Did I really ruin Daddy's law suit?
JOSH
No.
(Josh moves up to sit beside Cher)
Of course not.
CHER
Well, did I set him back? I mean, there's so much work to be done, and he can't afford to lose that time.
JOSH
Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it. Your father won't lose any time. Can you imagine the nerve of that guy? I mean, making you worry like that, and yet, he's the one that screwed up and then he goes and blames us. Imagine saying we were... you know?
CHER
That's right, you've been very dedicated to this case.
JOSH
Yeah, well, it's a good learning experience, at least for me, I want to be a lawyer. But you, I mean, you don't need to be doing this. Go out and have fun, go shopping.
CHER
You think that's all I do, I'm just a ditz with a credit card?
JOSH
No, no, ah, that's not what I meant.
( f4f Josh just stutters a bit, looking for the right words)
You're young and beautiful...and...
CHER
And?
JOSH
And, well, uh, what?
CHER
You think I'm beautiful?
(YES, YES!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YES!!!!)
JOSH
You know your gorgeous, alright? And popular, and, um, and... but this is not why I, you know, I come here. This is a good learning experience for me.
CHER
You already said that.
JOSH
Mel, I wanna help out Mel. He's the only one who cares about me.
CHER
That's not true.
JOSH
He's not? Are you saying you care about me?
CHER
Josh.
(Cher goes to hit his shoulder, but he catches her with a kiss. Good move!)
(Both like it. So they try again.)
CHER V.O.
Well, you can guess what happened next.
SCENE XXXIX - THE WEDDING
CHER V.O.
As if! I am only sixteen, and this is California, not Kentucky.
(Mr. Hall and Miss Giest get married)
TAI
I know, that when I have my own wedding, I want this, like whole entire floral motif, very floral garlens... floral dresses.
DIONNE
1b3No, no, no, no. When I get married, I'm gonna have a sailor dress, but it's going to be a gown, and all my bridesmaids are gonna wear sailor hats... with vails.
TAI
That sounds so cool.
MURRAY
Oh, my God. They're planning our weddings already. Could you all stop all that to death do us part mumb ba5 o-jumbo. I'm telling ya, man, I'm completely buggin'.
JOSH
I'm buggin' myself.
(Miss Stoeger runs on the scene)
MISS STOEGER
Girls! She's about to throw the bouquet, c'mon!
(Miss Stoeger, Dionne and Tai run off)
JOSH (to Cher)
Look, we got a pool going to see who's girl gets the bouquet. It's up to two hundred dollars.
CHER
It's in the bag.
"Tenderness" General Public
(All the girls are jumping around waiting for the bouquet. Miss Giest/Mrs. Hall throws it amongst them. The bouquet exchanges hands and they all fall down. Classic scene! Cher ends up with it.)
(Cher and Josh kiss. It's the one scene that I'll never get out of mind for the rest of my life. Simply awesome lip-lock!)
END CREDITS
"Need You Around" Smoking Popes
(Sheesh! Finally. Well, I hope you enjoyed the script. Now be sure to go and watch it repeatedly. If you have already done so, watch it again! Bye-bye!)
If you know of any script errors, soundtrack details, or any other suggestions about the script, then please email me at pacey578@rocketmail.com.
THE END
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