e18
M*A*S*H
© 1994 O.S.P. Publishing, Inc.
"M*A*S*H"
Screenplay
by
Ring Lardner, Jr.
From the Novel
by
Richard Hooker
FINAL
February 26,1969
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
M*A*S*H
1 FADE IN
EXT. LANDING AREA IUTSIDE 4077th MASH - DAY
Our attention is concentrated on a sign reading: "THIS IS WHERE
IT IS - PARALLEL 38." Below these words, arrows point to "NORTH
KOREA" in one direction, "SOUTH KOREA" in opposite one. Two Air
Rescue helicopters are coming in low from the north, descending
to a point just outside the entrance to the hospital Admitting
Ward. Transferring our attention to the helicopters, our gaze
goes from the first sign to a second one, on which all we can
read at first are the very large letters: "M-A-S-H." Moving
closer to the helicopters as they hit the ground, we can make out
the rest of the sign. Above the four large letters it says:
"4077TH," and then we see there is the remainder of a word
following each of the large letters, but in much smaller print,
so that "M-A-S-H" becomes "Mobile Army Surgical Hospital." The
helicopters land and enlisted men of the U.S. Army Medical Corps
Carry two wounded soldiers from each into the Admitting Ward.
LIEUTENANT COLONEL HENRY BLAKE, a permanent member of the Medical
Corps and Commanding Officer of the 4077th, watches grimly as the
wounded are borne from the helicopters into his hospital.
CORPORAL "RADAR" O'REILLY, with a long thin neck, large ears and
a knack for anticipating his Colonel's wishes, moves up close
behind him.
HENRY
(loudly)
O'Reilly!
RADAR
(at his side)
Yes, sir?
HENRY
Dammit, Radar, wait till I call
you! Tell Major Burns...
RADAR
One of the surgeons from the
day shift will have to stay on
duty tonight?
HENRY
Yes, dammit, and...
He interrupts himself, frightened by the intense expression
on Radar's face. The Corporal's head is turning back and forth
like an actual radar receiver, monitoring the northern horizon
where the valley of a river meanders between mountainous ridges.
HENRY
O'Reilly, what is it?
(appalled at
the thought)
There aren't more choppers coming?
RADAR
I'm afraid so, Colonel.
HENRY
We've got too many wounded for
us to handle now! Get on the
phone right away and...
RADAR
Yes, sir, I'll see if I can
reach General Hammond in Seoul
for you. You think he'll finally
break down and give us two more
surgeons?
The DISTANT SOUND of more HELICOPTERS becomes faintly audible to
the normal human ear, and a moment later one appears over a ridge.
TIME LAPSE:
2 EXT. MOTOR POOL AND RAILROAD DEPOT - 325TH EVACUATION HOSPITAL -
YONG-DONG-PA - DAY
Two officers come from opposite directions toward a Jeep, each
carrying a Valpac and trailing a barracks bag. Though they
still wear such later-to-be-discarded refinements as captai
190
n's
bars on their caps and overcoats, they are far from West Point
standards in dress and manner. DUKE, 29, is still solidly built
like the fullback he once was. HAWKEYE, 28, a former end, is
taller and rangier, wears glasses. Their accents, Georgia and
Maine respectively, are in sharp contrast. A MOTOR POOL SARGEANT
who has driven the Jeep up climbs out.
MOTOR POOL DRIVER
You
fa0
the guys going to the 4077th?
DUKE
I'm one of 'em.
HAWKEYE
(state of Maine
affirmative)
Ayuh. I'm the other then.
As they stow their gear in the back of the Jeep.
MOTOR POOL SARGEANT
Lots of luck.
He leaves.
HAWKEYE
My name's Hawkeye Pierce.
DUKE
Duke Forrest.
Hawkeye takes the driver's seat. Duke, getting into the
right-hand side, has no objection, just a question.
DUKE
You got directions?
HAWKEYE
Ayuh, only it's early, I need a
drink to wake me up.
DUKE
I got some.
He turns around and opens his barracks bag, where he finds a pint
bottle conveniently located near the top.
HAWKEYE
Make it yourself, or is it real?
DUKE
Georgia, where I come from, it's
real if you make it yourself.
But I been buying from the Yankee
Government since they put me in
this soldier suit and give me a
rate.
HAWKEYE
Tax-free booze. It's about all
you can say for army life.
DUKE
(passing bottle)
Where you from with that crazy
way of talking?
HAWKEYE
Crabapple Cove. Maine.
DUKE
Damn! That must be about as far
north as you can get.
HAWKEYE
Pretty near. What do you know
about the outfit we're going to?
DUKE
C.O. is Colonel Blake. Lieutenant
Colonel Henry Braymore Blake.
One of them regular army clowns.
Push you around so it's hard to
get any decent work done.
HAWKEYE
We got to head them off, right at
the start. Push them around first.
They have exchanged the bottle a couple of times. In the act of
raising it to his mouth, Hawkeye looks toward the hospital doorway.
HAWKEYE
I think we already caught their
eye.
Two MPs have emerged from the hospital administration offices and
are heading toward them. Hawkeye goes into action quickly, starting
the Jeep engine.
DUKE
What's the initials 'MP' stand
for, Hawkeye?
HAWKEYE
Shore Patrol, Duke. Let's go!
The Jeep starts off at its maximum takeoff speed and accelerates
dangerously as it careens out of the hospital grounds.
TIME LAPSE:
3 EXT. ROAD NEAR OUIJONGBU - DAY
Hawkeye and Duke are driving the Jeep along the muddy road - they come upon
a sign which fills a large part of the screen: "Last chance before Peking."
A short distance behind the sign, it is now revealed are three parked U.S.
Army trucks, in front of which parades a group of Korean prostitutes from
fourteen to forty-five. Despite the autumn weather, their costumes, mixed
American mail order and Korean, are chosen for seductive appeal rather than
warmth.
HAWKEYE
Must be the Famous Curb Service
Whore -
(pronounced
'howah')
House. You in the market Duke?
DUKE
(in negation)
I done my shopping in Seoul last
night.
They now have a fairly clear view of a GI and a Korean female lying
in tight formation in the bed on one of the trucks, their activity
only partially concealed by a blanket.
DUKE
Curb service is right.
TIME LAPSE:
4 EXT. APPROACH TO 4077TH MASH - DAY
Hawkeye stops the Jeep as they come to a place in the road where they can
get a downward look at their future home. The river valley in which the
4077th Mash is situated is almost surrounded by mountains. The components
of the post are spread out in a rough horseshoe with a large compound of
level ground in the middle. At the closed end of the horseshoe is the main
hospital building, made of wood with a tin roof marked by a large red cross;
everything else is canvas. To the left of the main building are strung out
the Admitting Ward, Laboratory, Dental Clinic, Mess Hall, PX, Showers Tent,
Barber Tent and the Enlisted Men's Tents. On the right side are the Postop
Ward, Officers' Tents, Nurses' Tents, Korean Domes
190
tics' Tents and finally,
the Officers' Club. In the f.g., from Duke and Hawkeye's angle are four
helicopters belonging to the 5th Air Rescue Squadron, and the signs we have
already seen marking the post and the 38th Parallel.
HAWKEYE
Well, there it is. Jesus!
DUKE
The spot we picked to spend the
winter. Maybe we ought to look
a little harder.
B
fa0
RIEF TIME LAPSE:
5 INT. MASH MESS HALL - DAY
as Hawkeye and Duke enter. The large tent has two floor levels separated by
a railing into a section for officers and one for enlisted men, the two
groups being much closer to numerical equality here than in an ordinary
military installation. There is a further voluntary piece of segregation
within the officers' section: the men - medical officers plus a couple of
administrative officers and a helicopter pilot - are at one long, rectangular
table; the nurses, ranging in rank from second lieutentant to captain, at
another.
Hawkeye starts to lead the way to an empty table in the officers' section,
but Duke calls his attention to the outstanding feature of the nurses'
table: LIEUTENTANT DISH, twenty-four, blonde and clearly, even in her winter
fatigues, the sexiest looking nurse in military history.
DUKE
What do you think of that piece of
scenery, Yankee boy?
HAWKEYE
Finest kind. We'll sit where we
can get the best view.
Accordingly, they select seats close to the nurses and facing the Lieutenant.
Some personnel are on duty in the hospital during this lunch period, but
beside Dish, two of the following three nurses with whom we will become
acquainted are present here:
KNOCKO, who is black, a captain in her thirties, solidly built, very strong
and very competent in her job; LESLIE, also a captain, not more than thirty,
bright, attractive, cheerful, the kind of girl that brings out the latent
male matrimonial instinct but who, strangely, is treated as inviolate by the
by the sex-starved men of the post; and LIEUTENANT SCORCH, who can't match
Dish or Leslie by physical standards but has the asset of instant
availability.
A Korean boy, not yet of military age, in green fatigue pants and
an off-white coat, appears promptly and heaps Duke and Hawkeye's
plates with food. Duke is hungry enough to turn his whole attention
to the meal, but Hawkeye is unable to keep his eyes off Lieutenant
Dish while eating. Thus neither of them is aware of the attention
they are getting from the male officers' group, which includes HENRY,
a couple of medical captains named MURRHARDT and BANDINI; DAGO RED
(officially, Father John Patrick Mulcahy, red-haired Catholic Chaplain
of the area) and the PAINLESS POLE (Captain Walter Waldowski, Dental
Officer), both in their thirties; and CAPTAIN UGLY JOHN BLACK, an
Australian anesthesiologist.
There is also curiousity about the newcomers from the unlisted men's
section, where we see among others RADAR; VOLLMER, Henry's overweight
Sargeant Major; CORPORAL JUDSON, young, black and fresh from Mississippi;
PRIVATE BOONE, who looks too young and nervous to be in any man's army;
and PFC SEIDMAN, whose first trip out of New York has taken him halfway
around the world.
Henry, who alone has reason to be personally affronted by Duke and
Hawkeye's unmilitary behavior, gets up and crosses to where they are
sitting.
HENRY
I'm Colonel Blake. You fellows
just passing through?
HAWKEYE
Nope, we're assigned heah.
With which reminder we will abandon all indications of the Maine accent.
DUKE
Y'all were short a couple cutters
and we're what the Army sent.
HENRY
Don't you know the first thing
you're supposed to do at a new
post is present yourself to the
commanding officer with your orders?
DUKE
Reckon so, but we been boozing
all day and you work up an appetite.
HENRY
(taking out orders
and handing Duke
a copy)
You're welcome to one of these,
whatever they are.
DUKE
(finding his orders)
They give you copies to burn.
Henry scans both papers to find what he considers the most important part.
There is a RUMBLE OF ARTILLERY in the distance.
HENRY
Good. You've both been working
close to the front.
DUKE
(listening to
art
190
illery)
Never this close.
HENRY
They've hit us on Cherry Hill. I
just got word. We have our slack
periods but when the action starts,
you'll have more work in twelve
hours than a civilian surgeon does
in a week.
HAWKEYE
Colonel Blake, have no fear.
Hawkeye and Duke are here.
DUKE
(to Henry)
That's right, pal. You ju
fa0
st sit
up front and sign the mail, and
leave the cutting to us.
HENRY
I may need you to go to work
practically immediately. But
meanwhile perhaps you'd like to
meet some of your fellow officers.
DUKE
Just one for a start.
HAWKEYE
The blonde dish.
HENRY
If you mean...
(looking toward
Lieutenant Dish)
She is a lieutenant in the Army
Nursing Corps, Captain.
HAWKEYE
Okay, Lieutenant Dish. I guess
she's already...involved with
somebody here.
HENRY
They've all tried. Nobody's got
to first base.
He is interrupted by the fact that Dish and Knocko have risen from their
table and are passing right by them on their way to the door. The
Lieutenant has just as nice a walk as you would hope for, and the men's
eyes follow her till she is again out of hearing distance.
HAWKEYE
Why bother with first base?
I'd go right for the home run.
The Painless Pole and Dago Red have come over.
DAGO RED
This the new talent, Henry?
HENRY
Captain Pierce, Captain Forrest...
Father Mulcahy, the Catholic
Chaplain of the area, and Captain
Waldowski, our Dental Officer.
PAINLESS
Better known as Painless Pole.
Murrhardt and Bandini come over and all ADLIB introductions - asking each
other their backgrounds, etc.
BANDINI
We all call him Dago Red.
DUKE
I'm Duke and he's Hawkeye.
PAINLESS
Glad to know you. Drop in at my
clinic anytime you feel like
playing a little poker, or even
if a tooth is bothering you.
HAWKEYE
Poker sounds great. When do you
play?
MURRHARDT
He said anytime. Day and night,
seven days a week. The players
change but the game never stops.
HENRY
(to Hawkeye and Duke)
You'll be living with Major Burns.
O'Reilly!
Before his name is uttered, Radar has already risen from the enlisted men's
group, and is now at Henry's side.
RADAR
Sir?
HENRY
Don't do that, Radar! You make
me nervous.
RADAR
Sir?
HENRY
Don't come so quickly when I
call. I want you to take these
officers...
RADAR
To Major Burns' tent. Yes, sir.
HENRY
Stop that, O'Rielly!
RADAR
Sir?
HENRY
Oh, get out of here!
RADAR
Yes, Colonel.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
6 EXT. AND INT. "THE SWAMP" (PRESENTLY FRANK'S TENT) - DAY
Hawkeye and Duke drag their bags from the Jeep, which Radar drives away.
They look over their new residence, a standard army tent, square with
peaked roof, a wooden door attached to the canvas. Then as they approach
it, they become aware of a youthful Korean voice reading, in heavily
accented English, words that have no meaning for the speaker.
HO-JON'S VOICE
(o.s.)
'Yea, though I walk through the
valley of the shadow of death...'
DUKE
Jesus Christ!
HAWKEYE
One of his ancestors, I think.
HO-JON'S VOICE
(o.s.)
'I shall fear no evil for Thou
art with me...'
They open the door of the tent and go in. There are three canvas cots
with sleeping bags on them, a plank floor, an oil stove, electric light,
a few crude shelves, one table and one chair plus assorted crates
serving as same.
MAJOR FRANK BURNS, 35, from Wisconsin, is sitting on one of the two more
favorably situated cots listening to HO-JON, a Korean boy of 16, read
from the Bible. He corrects the word that has given Ho-Jon the most
trouble.
FRANK
Thou. For Thou art with me.
(sees Duke and
Hawkeye, jumps up)
Welcome, welcome, welcome!
DUKE
What the hell's going on here?
FRANK
This is Ho-Jon, my houseboy.
Our houseboy. I'm teaching him
English.
DUKE
Where's he gonna use that kind
of talk? 'The valley of the
190
shadow of death.' Wait a minute,
Ho-Jon...
(rummages in
barracks bag)
I got something for you.
He takes out sex magazine, gives it to Ho-Jon in such a way that we see
the nude on the cover, but Frank doesn't.
DUKE
(to Frank)
Little light reading matter.
Just right for his age.
HAWKEYE
(to Duke)
Well, southern boy, I suppose
fa0
you want the sack that's convenient
to the door.
DUKE
And gets the wind every time it
opens. No, thanks. I'll take
that one.
He indicates the unoccupied cot which, like Frank's, is at the rear of the
tent with the stove between it and the front door. Hawkeye shrugs and
reaches into his barracks bag.
HAWKEYE
Let's choose for it.
(finds baseball bat,
hands it to Duke)
You toss.
Duke tosses the bat vertically in the air. As it comes down Hawkeye grabs
it expertly at the tape with his left hand. Duke puts his left hand above
that, and Duke is left with his right hand waving in the air with nothing
to grab.
HAWKEYE
(to Ho-Jon)
Part of your education. Always
use your own bat.
He tosses Valpac onto the desired cot.
TIME LAPSE:
7 INT. ADMITTING WARD - NIGHT
It's pretty full already and more wounded are being brought in by corpsmen.
In contrast to the opening scene, where the casualties were a generalized
fact seen at a distance, in this scene they are viewed individually and at
close range, and the effect, both on the eye and the ear, is almost
unbearable. Hawkeye, in a white gown as are all the surgeons and nurses,
moves from a patient he has just examined to one who is letting out a
number of unintelligible SOUNDS mixed in with such clear and frequently
repeated words as "Christ," "Mother," "God damn" and "Please." As Hawkeye
approaches, Lieutentant Scorch removes enough of the bandaging done in the
field to display an abdomen with part of its contents on the outside.
HAWKEYE
Two-man job. How much blood
has he had?
LIEUTENANT SCORCH
Second pint.
HAWKEYE
Duke...
Duke has just examined a patient. He takes a step towards Hawkeye.
HAWKEYE
This kid's ready but we won't
know all the damage till we get in
and see what's happened. What
have you got?
DUKE
Nothing can't wait. Shall we
check it out with the Major?
He indicates a Major who is standing a short distance away, looking like
a boss but not actually doing anything. Also in Admitting Ward are,
Murrhardt, Lieutentant Dish, PFC Seidman, Corporal Judson.
HAWKEYE
Naw, I already found out. The
only thing he doesn't like about
being in charge is making decisions.
TIME LAPSE:
8 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
(NOTE: ALL PRINCIPAL CAST SHOULD BE AVAILABLE FOR ALL OPERATING SCENES)
There are three operations going on at once. Here all personnel wear white
caps and masks and it is hard to identify individuals except that at close
range we can distinguish Hawkeye by his glasses and Duke by his eyes and
his build. They are working together with great efficiency and an
instinctive collaboration that seems to require no verbal exchange. What
we see them do, without necessarily recognizing the portion of anatomy
involved, is to cut out a section of bowel damaged by a shell fragment,
and start sewing the divided ends together.
TIME LAPSE:
9 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
Hawkeye and Duke are working together on the last stages of a leg
amputation. This time there is no doubt about the surgical process we are
watching; we see the almost severed leg and the process of controlling
bleeding; then the limb is actually separated from its stump and handed
by Duke to a corpsman. Hawkeye speaks to the nurse standing behind him.
HAWKEYE
Hot pack.
Watching her dip the pack into a warm solution and wring it out, he
recognizes, despite cap and mask, that it is Lieutenant Dish. His eyes
linger on hers for a brief moment.
TIME LAPSE:
10 EXT. OUTSIDE OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
Lieutenant Dish comes out of the Operating Room, tears in her eyes, trying
to control her sobs, and moves just outside the circle of light from the
fixture over the entrance. There, no longer under observation, she lets
hers
190
elf cry. Hawkeye comes out the door, registers surprise at the sight
of her just as if he hadn't followed her out. He moves to her side and
puts a comforting arm around her. She looks up just long enough to see
who it is, then buries her head on his shoulder as his other arm goes
around her.
LIEUTENANT DISH
Isn't this ridiculous, Doctor?
Six months I've been here and
fa0
there are still times when I
can't stand it. I just go to
pieces.
HAWKEYE
There's nothing ridiculous
about it.
(turns her face
up to his)
A kid like you...
She doesn't move her head from the way he has arranged it, and her lips
are very close to his. He kisses her and it turns out, from the ardent
way she responds, that's what she wanted him to do.
LIEUTENANT DISH
Thank you, Captain Pierce.
(her voice full
of need)
It's been so long.
HAWKEYE
No trouble at all.
(then)
Hawkeye.
LIEUTENANT DISH
How did you get called that?
HAWKEYE
'The Last of the Mohicans.'
Only book my father ever read.
He kisses her again and again she clings to him.
LIEUTENANT DISH
You're getting a workout, you
and Captain Forrest, your first
night.
HAWKEYE
It isn't always this rough?
LIEUTENANT DISH
Oh, no. We have dull stretches
every week or so, thank God,
when there's nothing to do after
midnight.
HAWKEYE
They don't have to be dull. I
mean if you and me put our minds
together...
LIEUTENANT DISH
Our minds?
HAWKEYE
For a start. I just have a
hunch... well, it isn't entirely
a hunch...
LIEUTENANT DISH
You're an attractive man.
HAWKEYE
You have a certain modest charm
yourself.
LIEUTENANT DISH
(continuing her
own thoughts)
But I'm married.
HAWKEYE
Something else we have in common.
LIEUTENANT DISH
Very happily married.
HAWKEYE
Same here.
LIEUTENANT DISH
And absolutely determined to be
faithful to my husband. Do we
have that in common, Captain?
HAWKEYE
It's a matter of definition.
Faithful in spirit, yes.
LIEUTENANT DISH
I don't make the distinction.
But the sex urge is a powerful
force. In women just as much as
men.
HAWKEYE
Ayuh.
LIEUTENANT DISH
You'd think now, with only six
weeks before they ship me back
home, it would be easier. But
it isn't.
HAWKEYE
Of course not.
LIEUTENANT DISH
It's terribly hard. Sometimes the
temptation is just too much.
HAWKEYE
Then why not, as long as it wouldn't
hurt anybody...?
LIEUTENANT DISH
(not hearing him,
just continuing her
own thought)
But you've made me feel strong
again, Captain. Hawkeye.
(smiling, tears
gone, ready to
return to work)
You helped me pull together when
I needed it.
With a grateful look at him, she goes back inside. Hawkeye contemplates
the accomplishment she has credited him with, and finds it appalling.
11 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
Hawkeye and Duke are working across the table from each other again, this
time inside a man's chest, stopping a hemorrhage and debriding the wound.
DUKE
Now that's what I call real
pretty. We can close up here
and go into his belly.
HAWKEYE
He can't take much more time on
the table.
DUKE
So we got to cut him fast. I
figure from the X-ray it ain't
just the spleen. We also got to
snatch his right kidney.
12 EXT. MASH COMPOUND - MORNING
Wearing fatigues now, Hawkeye and Duke are making their weary way from the
hospital to their tent after a night's work. There is an announcement
coming over the post-wide public address system, but it doesn't concern
them.
SARGEANT VOLLMER'S VOICE
(over P.A.)
Captain Murrhardt, please report
to the Colonel's office at the
earliest opportunity. Captain
Murrhardt.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
13 INT. THE SWAMP - MORNING
Ho-Jon throws a match into the oil stove, but it doesn't work. He looks
into it, strikes another match, and this time it lights up so quickly he
is almost singed by th
190
e flame. Hawkeye and Duke open the door and come
in. Ho-Jon straightens and bows.
HO-JON
Good morning, Captain Pierce
and Captain Forrest.
HAWKEYE
You can cut the bow.
HO-JON
I have not understood what you
means.
HAWKEYE
(demonstrating bow)
That. It's out of the act.
He and Duke remove their outer clothing during the ensuing:
fa0
HO-JON
Because is not democrash? All
peoples created equal?
DUKE
Hey, you been sneaking some
reading outside the frigging Bible!
HO-JON
I have great interest for America,
his peoples and his custom.
DUKE
Good, because we got a fine old
American custom we want to teach
you. You know what these are?
He gives Ho-Jon two bottles. The boy looks at the labels.
HO-JON
Gin. I know, yes.
(reads other label)
Dry...
(has trouble with
the word)
...vermouth.
14 EXT. MASH COMPOUND - MORNING
Frank walks toward the tent from the direction of the hospital.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
15 INT. THE SWAMP - MORNING
Frank opens the door and is taken aback by the sight of the two bottles on
the table and Ho-Jon filling glasses held by Duke and Hawkeye, who have
climbed into their sleeping bags. He is so disturbed he fails to shut the
door.
FRANK
Is that liquor?
HAWKEYE
Finest kind. We're training
Ho-Jon to be a bartender. Join
us?
DUKE
But first will you please kindly
shut the goddam door?
FRANK
I don't drink intoxicants.
HAWKEYE
(to Duke)
Christ Almighty, I think he
means it!
DUKE
We been had.
FRANK
I don't believe it's right for
you to involve a boy who's not
seventeen years old yet...
DUKE
The door, Frank, the door!
Where you from anyhow, Alaska?
FRANK
(closing door)
Wisconsin.
DUKE
Same general idea.
Frank proceeds to take off his outer clothing preparatory to retiring.
HO-JON
Officer all sleep now, yes?
And I go wash clothes.
HAWKEYE
Right, Ho-Jon. See you later.
FRANK
So long, Ho-Jon.
DUKE
You make a mean martini, kid.
Ho-Jon goes out. Duke and Hawkeye settle back to enjoy their drinks but they
both come bolt upright when they see Frank drop to his knees by his cot and
begin to intone the Lord's Prayer.
FRANK
Our Father who art in Heaven
Hallow'd be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in Heaven...
Hawkeye and Duke find it hard to believe their eyes and ears. They never
expected to see a grown man behaving as Frank is now.
FRANK HAWKEYE
Give us this day our daily You ever caught this
bread, and forgive our syndrome before, Duke?
trespasses as we forgive
those who trespass against DUKE
us. Lead us not into No cases over the age of
temptation but deliver us eight.
from evil. For Thine is
the kingdom, the power and HAWKEYE AND DUKE
the glory forever. Amen. (raising martini
glasses)
Amen!
DUKE
(singing)
Onward Christian soldiers...
DUKE AND HAWKEYE
(singing)
Marching as to war.
With the cross of Jesus going
on before.
Christ our Royal Master, leads
against the foe.
Forward into battle...
DUKE
(breaking off
singing, points to
Frank)
He ain't finished!
For a moment, before Hawkeye speaks, some of the words Frank is mumbling
come through.
FRANK
...And for our young men on the
field of battle, that they may
return home to their dear ones...
HAWKEYE
Come clean with us, Frank. Were
you on this religious kick back
home, or did you start to crack
up here on the post?
FRANK
(ignoring him)
....And for our Supreme Commander
over here and our Commander-in-
Chief in Washington.
DUKE
How long does the show go on,
Frank?
Frank turns his head toward Duke while remaining in praying position.
FRANK
It gets longer all the time.
Now I have your soul to pray for,
and Captain Pierce's.
TIME LAPSE:
16 INT. HENRY'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY
Sargeant Vollmer is working on some p
190
apers at his desk when Hawkeye and
Duke come in. They pass right by him and head for Henry's door.
VOLLMER
Hey! That's a Colonel's office!
HAWKEYE
(hand on Henry's
door)
Ayuh. Just who we're looking for.
(opens door)
Henry, you got to do something!
LESLIE exits from Henry's office as they enter.
17 INT. HENRY'S OFFICE - DAY
Henry is at his desk.
fa0
Duke and Hawkeye come in and seat themselves in
informal comfort. Both watch Leslie exit.
HAWKEYE
We've stuck it out for a whole
week now... Pretty girl.
DUKE
We sure don't aim to cause any
trouble... Yeah, she seems to
grow on you.
HENRY
You don't aim to cause any
trouble - But?
HAWKEYE
But we strongly suspect something
will happen to screw up this
splendid organization of yours
if you don't get that sky pilot
out of our tent.
HENRY
Your tent?
DUKE
Yeah, maybe move that nurse in.
She don't seem the type to keep
you awake praying.
HENRY
(pause)
I have been in this Army a long
time. I know just what you guys
are up to. But there are limits...
HAWKEYE
We'll find out what they are
when you throw us out.
HENRY
That's all the commitment you're
offering me?
(to Duke)
Or do you have some more
extragavant gesture of cooperation?
DUKE
No, Hawkeye just said it all.
HAWKEYE
Except we forgot one other small
thing.
DUKE
What's that?
HAWKEYE
The chest-cutter.
DUKE
Yeah, that's right.
(to Henry)
You better get us a chest-cutter
before there's trouble.
HAWKEYE
This outfit needs somebody who
can find his way around the
pulmonary anatomy when the bases
are loaded.
DUKE
And it's the ninth inning.
HENRY
Forget it. No Mash unit has a
chest surgeon and we aren't about
to get one. Your housing problem
I'll give some thought to in the
next couple of weeks.
Radar O'Reilly comes in with "emergency" written all over his expressive
face. He makes a hand gesture to Henry that could loosely be construed
as a salute.
HENRY
Yes, O'Reilly?
DUKE
How you, Radar?
RADAR
They're running behind in the
OR, sir, and the Preop Ward is all
jammed up. Two choppers and three
ambulances full.
This is the most serious kind of crisis for the outfit, and Henry's
expression shows it.
HENRY
(to Duke and
Hawkeye)
You boys'll have to go to work
early.
DUKE
You fixing to add overtime to
a twelve-hour day? The union
ain't gonna like it.
HAWKEYE
You work those kind of hours, you
got to have rest. Which you can't
get with somebody jabbering away
on a direct line to heaven.
HENRY
(crisply)
Major Burns will be out of your
tent in twenty-four hours.
(to Radar)
Tell them Captain Pierce and
Captain Forrest are on their way.
Radar goes out. Duke gets to his feet and Hawkeye makes a preliminary
move toward doing so.
HAWKEYE
About that chest-cutter...
HENRY
I'll try, d-d-dammit! You can't
ask any more than that!
HAWKEYE
We don't want any more than
that.
(following Duke
out)
Right now.
TIME LAPSE:
18 EXT. MASH COMPOUND - DUSK
Hawkeye and Lieutenant Dish are walking close together in an otherwise
deserted area.
HAWKEYE
Cold?
He puts an arm around her without waiting for an answer. She smiles at
him fondly.
LIEUTENANT DISH
Even if I weren't.
HAWKEYE
Maria...
He kisses her and they cling together, standing outside a tent identified
by a sign: "OFFICER'S CLUB."
LIEUTENANT DISH
Oh, Hawkeye, I don't think I
could stick it out these next
few weeks without you.
Hawkeye opens the door of the Officers' Club, looks in.
HAWKEYE
Nobody here.
He steps aside to let her precede him in. There is nothing inside except
a pool table. She hesitates. He takes her in his arms again, this time
pressing his hands against the seat of her fatigue pants.
LIEUTENANT DISH
You understand why I still can't...
Ho
190
-Jon appears in his line of vision, not hers.
HO-JON
Captain Pierces...
Hawkeye lets go of her, and they try to look like innocent strollers.
HAWKEYE
Hi, Ho-Jon. How they goin'?
HO-JON
Finest kind. Captain Forrests
say you better haul ass home quick.
We got new chest-cutter in our tent.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
19 EXT. THE SWAMP - DUSK
The wood
fa0
en front of the tent has a new sign identifying it as "THE SWAMP."
20 INT. THE SWAMP - DUSK
First we see Hawkeye sitting on his cot, looking across the tent at the
newcomer. Attached to the canvas wall behind him is a photograph of his
wife and two sons, aged four and two. Next we turn our attention to Duke
on the adjoining cot (formerly Frank's). He also has a family picture on
display: his wife, two-year-old daughter and an infant. Then we get our
first glimpse of TRAPPER JOHN, their new tentmate, about 30, tall and very
thin, his head pretty well hidden inside the hood of a parka. He is using
cellophane tape to install one of the popular nude photos of the day (such
as the one of Marilyn Monroe that circulated so widely in the early
1950's). Completing the group is Ho-Jon, who sits on the floor, silently
taking in everything that is done or said.
Finished with his decorating effort, Trapper reaches into the depths of his
parka to produce a can of beer. He digs into the other side, finds an
opener and opens the beer. Then his head goes back inside the parka along
with the can as he takes a swig from it.
DUKE
(to Hawkeye)
Now I got you for a witness, I'm
going to try again. So far all I
dragged out of him is he's from
Bahston and he's only been in the
Army two months.
(to Trapper)
Where were you when they drafted
you?
TRAPPER
Home.
DUKE
I mean, what were you doing?
Were you a resident or on a staff
someplace?
TRAPPER
That's right.
DUKE
Where?
TRAPPER
Hospital.
DUKE
Which hospital?
TRAPPER
Back home.
DUKE
Is there any reason why we
shouldn't know the name of it?
TRAPPER
No.
(a long swig of beer)
Or why you should.
HAWKEYE
(to Duke)
I think I've seen this nut
somewhere.
(to Trapper)
Haven't I?
TRAPPER
If you don't know what you've
seen, why should I?
Hawkeye is unsatisfied. He keeps staring at Trapper, sure he's seen him
before.
DUKE
(to Trapper)
You ready to switch to a little
tonic we generally take us about
this time? Ho-Jon...
Ho-Jon goes to the table and takes a few ice cubes from a hospital ice-bag,
puts them into the pitcher along with gin and a dash of vermouth.
TRAPPER
Don't you use olives?
DUKE
Where you think you are, boy?
They probably never seen a olive
in this country.
Ho-Jon pours three water-glasses full of martini and starts to distribute
them.
HAWKEYE
(to Trapper)
That's the front up the road a
few miles. We have to get by
without some of the comforts of
home.
TRAPPER
I like an olive.
He reaches into his parka, comes up with a bottle of olives, takes one out
and puts it into the martini Ho-Jon serves him. Then, as Hawkeye and Duke
gape at him, he offers them the bottle.
TIME LAPSE:
21 INT. OPERATING ROOM - DAY
There are two operations going on, one of them being a simple procedure
requiring one surgeon and one nurse. The other by contrast is a very
special event. Trapper is operating, assisted by another surgeon, a
couple of nurses, a corpsman, and the anesthesiologist, UGLY JOHN BLACK.
Beside these actual participants almost all the nurses and doctors from
both shifts, including Duke, Hawkeye (with Lieutenant Dish), Frank and
Henry, are in a circle around the operating table as spectators.
Trapper's job is repairing a lacerated pulmonary artery, or some other
delicate piece of surgery close to the heart and involving a large chest
incision. We see enough of the process to observe that it is gory and
deep inside a critical area, but necessarily it is the reactions of the
people watching, especially Duke and Hawkeye, that tell us how tricky an
operation it is and how expertly Trapper is handling it.
T
190
he sequence is silent except for incidental operating room noises. Even
Trapper's occasional terse instructions to his assistants and his brief
exchange with Ugly John are spoken too low for us to hear. There are four
stages to the action:
1. The beginning of the operation before an attentive audience, drawn by
their interest in the new man and by the fact that this is a surgical
procedu
fa0
re they have never dared to attempt.
2. Limited approval and professional respect for the assurance with which
Trapper plots his incision and starts working his way to his destination.
3. Mounting tension as the crucial stage is reached. The suspense reaches
its crest during the few moments when Trapper is doing the actual mending
job to which all the preliminaries have led. The faces of his colleagues
express anxiety and hope that he can accomplish what he set out to do, and
accomplish it quickly enough to permit the patient to survive. Henry, not
certain of his own judgement, looks to Duke for confirmation, and Duke
nods to indicate he thinks Trapper has the situation under control.
4. The tension breaks as Trapper finishes the job to his satisfaction
and begins, along with his assistant surgeon, to close up. Henry's smile
of relief is unsure and only tentative until he catches Hawkeye's signal
that the job has been done to perfection.
TIME LAPSE:
22 EXT. MASH COMPOUND - DAY
Trapper, Hawkeye and Duke emerge from the hospital in fatigues. Some
enlisted men are tossing a football around. One of them makes a wild
throw and the ball rolls to a stop at Trapper's feet. He stops to look
at it and the other two halt with him. Then very slowly, Trapper leans
over and picks up the ball, waving Hawkeye downfield.
Hawkeye complies unquestioningly and when he is about thirty yards away,
Trapper whips a perfect pass into his arms. Hawkeye just stands where he
is, holding the ball, oblivious of the enlisted men who want it back, as
Trapper and Duke continue toward him. Revelation jolts him with
apocalyptic force.
HAWKEYE
Jesus to Jesus and eight hands
around! Duke, did I ever tell
you how I beat Dartmouth by
intercepting a pass?
DUKE
Sixteen times.
HAWKEYE
We didn't have a chance, little
Androscoggin College against the
Big Green, but there was this
blizzard and we held then nothing-
nothing till the last twenty seconds.
Then this great passer of theirs
let one go, snow and all...
TRAPPER
Lucky you didn't have your mouth
open or it would have gone down
your throat.
HAWKEYE
He's Trapper John! Only man in
history who ever found fulfillment
in the ladies' can of a Boston and
Maine Railroad car! When the
Conductor caught him in there with
his Winter Carnival date, she
screamed: 'He trapped me!' What
have you been doing since those
days, Trapper?
DUKE
What does he have to do? A score
like that, a man could just live
on his reputation.
The enlisted men, increasingly concerned about their football, are
muttering mutinously to each other. Hawkeye is too carried away about
Trapper's identity to notice this till Trapper calls it to his
attention.
TRAPPER
(to Hawkeye)
Ball.
Hawkeye looks at the football and at the enlisted men, and, finally
getting the point, throws it back to them.
TRAPPER
(relieved to find
another subject)
What gives over there?
They look across the compound to the Shower Tent, behind which an Army
truck full of GIs has just pulled up. While Hawkeye and Duke explain
what's going on to Trapper, and the three of them move in for a closer
look, we see the visiting GIs drop one by one from the rear of the truck,
pay their admission fees and take their places in the line leading up to
the strategically placed peep hole in the rear corner of the tent.
DUKE
Must be Painlees Pole Day in
the Shower Tent.
HAWKEYE
(to Trapper)
You met him. Walt Waldowski, the
Dental Officer.
DUKE
Nice guy, for an enamel surgeon.
TRAPPER
What are they peeking at?
Captain Waldowski in the shower?
HAWKEYE
Part of him. Painless is the
owner and operator of the Pride
of Hamt
190
rack. That's where he
comes from...Hamtrack, Michigan.
DUKE
Best equipped dentist in the whole
goddam Army. Care to have a look,
a man with your background?
HAWKEYE
Way we hear it, the Pride is
supposed to have run up the highest
lifetime batting average ever
recorded in Wayne County.
23 EXT. SHOWER TENT - DAY
Corporal Judson from Miss
fa0
issippi takes his turn at the peephole. His
speech is that of the rural southern black.
JUDSON
Ah'd purely love to see it angry.
TIME LAPSE:
24 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
Hawkeye and Duke are working on a patient about whose chances their faces
reveal extreme pessimism. The nurse in attendance is Leslie. Hawkeye
takes the patient's blood pressure and frowns at the reading.
HAWKEYE
This kid looks like a loser.
Maybe we better get the bead-
jiggler to put in a fix.
DUKE
(to Leslie)
Call Dago Red.
TIME LAPSE:
25 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
Without interfering with the administration of blood and other medical
measures, Dago Red is just finishing giving last rites to the patient.
DAGO RED
...May God remit unto thee the
pains of the present and future
life, open to thee the gates of
heaven, and bring thee to
everlasting life.
(makes the sign
of the Cross)
May Almighty God bless thee,
Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
LESLIE
(taking patient's
pulse)
Duke...
She wants him to feel it and he does, reacting excitedly.
DUKE
Slowing down!
Hawkeye meanwhile is checking blood pressure again.
HAWKEYE
Going up. Nice work, Red.
TIME LAPSE:
26 INT. THE SWAMP - DAY
Dago Red is the cocktail guest of the three Swampmen. Ho-Jon sits in
his usual place on the floor, following everything that's said and
refilling martini glasses wherever needed.
DAGO RED
There's sort of a built-in
prayer for the sick man to get
well, but of course that's not
the basic intention.
HAWKEYE
I don't care about the intention.
I just know your Cross Action is
a plus on our side. I've seen it
come through four times.
DUKE
And you've had a natural four
times in a row in a crap game.
Right? Does that mean...?
HAWKEYE
Not without lots of praying and
kissing the dice.
(to Dago Red)
It's a different ritual but it
works the same.
DUKE
What do you think, Trapper?
TRAPPER
Me? I was raised a mackerel-
snapper...
Dago Red gives him a quick, inent look, which Hawkeye notes.
TRAPPER
...But I turned in my knee pads.
HAWKEYE
Ho-Jon, give the Father some
more martini.
DAGO RED
Just a taste, Ho-Jon.
(to the group)
I'd better get to the point...
what I came here for today.
DUKE
You came because we asked you,
for a drink.
HAWKEYE
We wanted to tell you how you
were helping us with your fixes.
DAGO RED
Well, sure, but I'm also worried
about Walt Waldowski - Painless.
His poker players got in an
argument and asked him for a
ruling, and he said what difference
did it make, it was just a card
game.
It's obvious from the shocked reactions of the Swampmen that the priest
couldn't have reported a more ominous symptom.
HAWKEYE
I guess I'm getting a tootheache
I better have looked at.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
27 INT. DENTAL CLINIC - DAY
There is no activity around the dental chair, but the nonstop poker game
is thriving as Hawkeye enters, carrying a bottle in a paper bag. The
players are evenly divided between officers (UGLY JOHN, MURRHARDT and a
visiting HELICOPTER PILOT) and enlisted men (VOLLMER, RADAR and JUDSON).
UGLY JOHN
Take a seat, Hawk. We can use
a fresh pigeon.
HAWKEYE
Got to see the man about a
tooth. Where is he?
RADAR
(to Vollmer)
Call. With a pair of kings.
(to Hawkeye, pointing
to smaller tent
attached)
Inside.
Hawkeye goes on into Painless' private quarters.
VOLLMER
(indignantly, to
Radar)
How can you call with one lousy
pair? Ought to be a house rule
against mind reading.
190
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
28 INT. PAINLESS' TENT - DAY
Painless is lying on his back on the cot, staring blankly at the ceiling.
Hawkeye has poured drinks from his bottle and is sipping his, but
Painless' remains untouched.
PAINLESS
If a man isn't a man anymore,
what's he got left to live for?
HAWKEYE
Tell me the whole story, Walt.
PAINLESS
There's this
fa0
native braod works
in the laundry. I don't know if
you've noticed.
HAWKEYE
There's only one worth noticing.
PAINLESS
You noticed. I wasn't going to
fool around over here. I've
got these three girls I'm engaged
to back home...
He indicates three photographs of young women, displayed with equal
prominence. Any one of them could make Miss America.
PAINLESS
But I had this feeling I ought to
make the effort. To test myself.
And I flunked.
HAWKEYE
What did you have to test, for
God's sake...the dental Don Juan
of Detroit?
PAINLESS
Don Juanism is just a cover...
I've been reading up on it.
(emotionally overcome,
turning away)
I'm a fake, I'm a fraud, I've been
living a lie!
Moved by the intensity of his self-denunciation, Hawkeye bends down
close to Painless, puts a comforting hand on his shoulder.
HAWKEYE
Painless, you mustn't talk that
way. It's a lot of crap. Cover
for what?
PAINLESS
Homosexuality.
Hawkeye straightens abruptly, his hand rising from Painless' shoulder
as from a hot stove.
PAINLESS
Now I know that's been my problem
since I was a kid. But it only
caught up to me last night.
HAWKEYE
You've been drawn to other males?
Since you were a kid?
PAINLESS
No, never in the slightest.
HAWKEYE
Just in dreams?
PAINLESS
Or in dreams either. I repressed
it completely. Classic pattern
of inhibition.
HAWKEYE
That's what you've been doing
all these years with every dame
you could lay your hands on?
Repressing your real self?
PAINLESS
But it's all over now, and I
can't face it. Imagine if you
found out you were one, you
wouldn't like breaking the news
to your wife. Well, I got the
same problem multiplied.
HAWKEYE
You don't have any problem. You've
got thirty good years ahead of you,
easy. Maybe you'll have to cut
down as you grow older, get along
with just two fiancees, but...
PAINLESS
No, one thing I finally know for
sure, I'll never function with a
woman again.
TIME LAPSE:
29 INT. THE SWAMP - NIGHT
Hawkeye is reporting to Duke and Trapper. Murrhardt and Bandini are
there, as well as Ho-Jon.
HAWKEYE
There ought to be a law against
dentists reading. Matter of
fact, I thought there was.
Anyway, this is an obsession.
He can't be persuaded out of it.
HO-JON
(appearing in
doorway)
He's comin' this-a-way! The
jaw-breaker!
DUKE
Y'all just act natural.
HAWKEYE
Get out the scotch, Ho-Jon.
(to the others)
Don't mention the sex thing
unless he brings it up.
A perfunctory knock on the door is immediately followed by the entrance
of Painless.
DUKE
How you, Walt? We was just fixing
to have a nightcap.
TRAPPER
(to Ho-Jon)
Pour one for Painless.
Ho-Jon serves drinks all around. There is a silence as each of the hosts
tries to think of a conversational opening.
PAINLESS
I thought you guys ought to know.
I'm going to commit suicide.
This leads to another silence, broken by Trapper, who doesn't go so far
as to stand up but leans way out from his sack to grasp the dentist by
the hand.
TRAPPER
Miss you, Walt.
DUKE
He said it for us all, Walt.
BANDIDI
How about leaving me your record
player?
HAWKEYE
How do you figure to go? Forty-
five between the eyes?
DUKE
Powerful sloppy.
MURRHARDT
Reliable though.
PAINLESS
That's really what I came here
for. See what you guys recommend.
HAWKEYE
(as in a medical
consultation)
Well, I'm sure my colleagues will
agree there ar
190
e a number of
dependable measures for extinguishing
the vital forces.
TRAPPER
Black capsule.
HAWKEYE
The black capsule. Finest kind.
Thank you, Dr. McIntyre.
PAINLESS
What is it?
TRAPPER
Easy, pleasant, never-miss ride.
HAWKEYE
In the direction you want to go.
PAINLESS
You guys got any black capsules?
DUKE
fa0
For a buddy we got whatever it
takes to stamp out the last spark
of life.
TIME LAPSE:
30 INT. DAGO RED'S TENT - DAY
The priest is sitting at his desk reading his breviary when Hawkeye and
Trapper enter. Trapper goes over to Red's beer supply, opens it and
distributes three cans while Hawkeye greets their host.
HAWKEYE
How they goin', Losing Preacher?
What do you hear from the Pope?
DAGO RED
You talked to Walt?
HAWKEYE
He's parted his moorings.
TRAPPER
We're throwing him a Last Supper.
We came to invite you.
HAWKEYE
The Painless Pole plans to cross
the Great Divide tonight and we
need your help to straighten him
out.
DAGO RED
What do you want me to do?
HAWKEYE
Put in one of your fixes. Walt
knows he's loused himself with the
Church, but it's part of our plan
to make him think he has the keys
to the kingdom. Which he will
think if you grease the skids
for him.
DAGO RED
I don't think I can give absolution
to a man who's about to commit
suicide. It's a mortal sin.
HAWKEYE
What is, Red, the intention or
the act?
DAGO RED
(confused)
I believe it takes both. I'd
have to look it up.
HAWKEYE
Just use common sense. Your job
is preventing sin, and the way to
do that is give him your best
Cross Action.
TRAPPER
Or you can let him knock himself
out. You personally'd be sending
him to his grave.
HAWKEYE
An eternal damnation.
DAGO RED
(feeling cornered)
I don't know. I'm not sure what
the Military Vicar's office would
think...
TRAPPER
They sure as hell won't hear
about it from us.
TIME LAPSE:
31 INT. DENTAL CLINIC - NIGHT
The poker table, and dental chair have been removed to make room for two
long tables from the Mess Hall. At these a sumptuous, candle-lit, stag
banquet is coming to an end. The guests are doctors, administrative
officers, chopper pilots and enlisted men. Duke is on his feet, raising
a glass of champagne in a toast. (All our male cast except Henry and
Frank)
DUKE
Y'all come here to say a final
goodbye to our old friend Walt.
But maybe it ain't so final.
Maybe he's just going on ahead
into the Unknown to do a little
recon job for us all.
During this tribute the guests rise, their eyes on the guest of honor, who
sits with his food untouched, a vacant expression on his face. When Duke
has finished and everyone has drunk the toast, they applaud and sit down
again. Trapper raps for attention and indicates Hawkeye, who rises.
HAWKEYE
I just got this one thing to say.
Nobody ordered Walt to take on this
mission. He volunteered, for
certain death. That's what we
award our highest medal for. That's
what being a soldier is all about.
Except for Painless himself, the gathering is deeply moved by this thought,
some of them to the point of tears. Again Trapper restores order.
TRAPPER
Only one man here can add anything
to that.
He looks to Dago Red, who stands up, dressed for the first time in the
priestly vestments he wears for Sunday Mass. He walks to where Painless
sits and there begins the viaticum (holy communion for those in danger of
death).
DAGO RED
Receive, my brother, this food
for your journey...
A coffin, borne into the room by two enlisted men while Red is still
speaking, is lined with blankets, equipped with a pillow for comfortable
reclining prior to the onset of death, and furnished with momentos of
Painless' earthly career: two fresh decks of cards, a box of poker chips,
a fifth of scotch, some basic dental instruments and the photographs of
his three fiancees. It is set down on the floor next to Painless, who
reg
190
ards it with the first show of interest he has manifested during the
proceedings.
DAGO RED
(bestowing the
sacred host)
...The body of our Lord Jesus
Christ, that He may guard you from
the wicked enemy and lead you into
everlasting life. Amen.
Red is making the sign of the Cross when Painless' curiousity asserts
itself.
PAINLESS
What the hell's
fa0
that?
TRAPPER
Coffin. Yours.
PAINLESS
I'm not even dead yet.
HAWKEYE
You're a pretty heavy guy to lug
around. Be a hell of a lot more
convenient for everybody if you got
into the box as soon as you've
taken the capsule.
He produces and opens a small box, inside which, surrounded by pure white
cotton, a black capsule is displayed like a rare jewel. Dago Red,
meanwhile, preferring not to know what happens from here on, makes his
way out.
PAINLESS
(scrutinizing the
capsule)
How do you take it?
DUKE
(appearing at his
side with tumbler
of whiskey)
With whiskey. A good swallow
first and a big one afterwards.
Speeds it into the bloodstream.
Painless takes the tumbler from him with one hand, the capsule with the
other. He downs a good-sized swig of whiskey, then, with the capsule in
front of his face, hesitates.
PAINLESS
You guys sure this'll do the job?
DUKE
We wouldn't give you nothing but
the best.
TRAPPER
We stand behind all our work.
HAWKEYE
You want it straight? Medical
history records no instance of
anyone taking this particular
prescription and surviving.
PAINLESS
Here goes nothing.
He pops the capsule into his mouth and washes it down with a large drink
of whiskey. Hawkeye gestures to the waiting coffin. Painless gets up
and lowers himself into it.
PAINLESS
How much time do I have?
HAWKEYE
Just about enough to say goodbye
to everybody.
(announcing)
Line up over here, men, if you
want to pay your last respects.
Keep moving and file on out when
you're through.
PAINLESS
I wonder, if Red's fix swings it
for me, what's heaven really like?
TRAPPER
It's a bedroom where a man is
always at his peak and doesn't
have to take any time outs.
HAWKEYE
And all the angels are built like
Lieutenant Dish.
The Last Supper guests are filing by the coffin, bending low to shake
Painless' hand and murmur words of farewell.
DUKE
Drink up, Walt. One for the
glory road.
He holds the glass to Painless' lips, helps him down the rest of the
whiskey.
TIME LAPSE:
32 INT. POSTOP WARD - NIGHT
Hawkeye finishes checking a patient, looks to doorway and sees
lieutenant Dish standing there. He crosses to join her.
HAWKEYE
Thanks for coming, Maria.
(takes her arm
and leads her
through exit)
Sorry it had to be so late.
33 EXT. MASH COMPOUND - NIGHT
Hawkeye and Lieutenant Dish walk from the Postop Ward.
LIEUTENANT DISH
I couldn't have slept tonight
anyhow.
HAWKEYE
You're leaving tomorrow?
LIEUTENANT DISH
In less than twelve hours I'll
be on my way.
HAWKEYE
That's when the real strain
starts. Three weeks on a
troopship.
(embraces her)
Poor baby.
LIEUTENANT DISH
(kissing him)
Dear, sweet Hawkeye.
HAWKEYE
Though I guess who it'll really
be rough on is your husband.
LIEUTENANT DISH
You're on his side all of the sudden?
HAWKEYE
A man would be more considerate.
He wouldn't come home to his wife
a nervous wreck.
LIEUTENANT DISH
How would he avoid it...as if I
needed to ask?
HAWKEYE
It could be a purely impersonal
thing. What matters is the
therapeutic value of relieving
your tensions.
LIEUTENANT DISH
You should have been a marriage
counselor.
(drawing his head
closer to hers)
But I'll show you what's wrong
with your theory.
They kiss passionately. Dish is shaken by it and that shows in her voice
when she continues making her point.
LIEUTENANT DISH
Do you think anything between us
could be impersonal? Or pure?
You better
190
forget logic, because
you're proving why I shouldn't go
to bed with you.
HAWKEYE
(after a moment of
massive internal
struggle)
I didn't mean with me.
It takes a couple of seconds for what he has said to penetrate her
conciousness. She looks at him incredulously.
LIEUTENANT DISH
You're asking for somebody else?
HAWKEYE
It happens to be
fa0
a matter of
life and death.
LIEUTENANT DISH
A man is going to die if he doesn't
have my fair young body?
HAWKEYE
Precisely, Maria. Tonight you
have the same privilege that comes
on rare occasions to the chief
executive of some state or nation...
the privilege of restoring life,
by one tender act of mercy, to a
doomed fellow creature.
While he is speaking, a blue light goes on in a tent in the background.
As they turn to see what is going on, four men carrying a heavy box
approach the tent.
34 EXT. BLUE-LIT TENT - NIGHT (OFFICER'S CLUB)
At closer range the box is revealed to be Painless' coffin with the
departed dentist inside it. The four men who carry it into the tent
are Radar, Judson, Boone and Seidman. This tent doesn't have a wooden
door like the Swamp, just a flap.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
35 EXT. BLUE-LIT TENT - NIGHT
The four enlisted men carry the coffin, empty, out of the tent. Then
Hawkeye and Dish appear, moving slowly toward the tent as he continues
to break down her resistance.
HAWKEYE
He should come to now for a while,
but he's got so much dope in him
by tomorrow he won't know fact
from fantasy.
LIEUTENANT DISH
You think he won't.
HAWKEYE
What do you care? You'll be on
your way to Japan.
LIEUTENANT DISH
I'm fond of Painless, and I'd
feel terrible if anything happened
to him...
HAWKEYE
It's your decision, Maria. I
don't want to high-pressure you.
LIEUTENANT DISH
I'd be crazy to think my virtue,
such as it is, was more important
than his life...
HAWKEYE
In fact I'd rather not try to
influence you at all.
(opening tent flap)
Let's just go in and take a look,
and then you think it through for
yourself.
36 INT. BLUE-LIT TENT - NIGHT
The tent has been fixed up with all the resources at their disposal -
cushions, parachute cloth, mirrors and little touches of elegance
gathered from all over the post - to resemble a luxurious bedroom on the
home front. Lying in bed (the pool table) between clean, inviting sheets
is Painless. The boys have undressed him as we can see by his bare
shoulders. Hawkeye takes Dish by the hand and leads her to the side of
the bed.
HAWKEYE
One last look at him...
(raises sheet,
uncovering Painless
to the knees)
...still alive...
(slips raised sheet
into Dish's grasp)
...the whole man.
Dish's eyes pop at what she sees. So astounded is she that she doesn't
notice Hawkeye has given her the sheet and made off.
LIEUTENANT DISH
My God, Hawkeye, I never realized...
I never even dreamed...
(becoming aware he's
no longer at her side)
Hawkeye! Hawk...
She finds he's disappeared altogether. She can't resist turning her gaze
back to the uncovered Painless. Then she drops the sheet.
37 EXT. BLUE-LIT TENT - NIGHT
The tent flap drops into place, continuing the movement of the sheet.
Our attention is drawn up the front of the tent to its peak, which
points firmly upwards.
TIME LAPSE:
38 EXT. THE SWAMP - MORNING
There is the SOUND of a HELICOPTER overhead. Hawkeye emerges from the
tent to look at it, verifying that it is coming from the peaceful south
rather than the embattled north. Then he sees Lieutentant Dish coming
out of her tent, wearing her Army uniform and followed by one of the
enlisted men carrying her bags. Hawkeye waves goodbye but Dish doesn't
see him. Her face, seen up close, has a serene, faraway look, neither
happy nor unhappy, but enriched by experience.
Hawkeye is not distressed by her failure to acknowledge him; he
understands it's a question of preoccupation and not a deliberate snub.
He starts across the compound to the Mess Hall, noting that the
helicopter is descending to land on the far side of the hosp
190
ital.
39 EXT. LANDING AREA OUTSIDE 4077TH MASH - MORNING
There is a small welcoming party on hand, headed by Henry himself, to
greet the passenger arriving in the helicopter. When it lands the door
is opened and HOT LIPS (as she will soon be known) gets out smartly,
which is the way she does everything. Her official name is Major Margaret
Houlihan and she is tallish, willowish, blondish,
fa0
fortyish, prettyish.
She and Henry exchange salutes and then shake hands. The others in the
greeting party are out of the habit of saluting, and have to be reminded
by a stern look from their Commanding Officer.
As Henry and Hot Lips, followed by the others, head for the hospital
entrance, Lieutenant Dish appears with the enlisted man behind her. She
gets into the helicopter and he lifts her bags in after her. A moment
later the chopper is airborne again.
40 INT. MESS HALL - DAY
One of the first people Hawkeye sees in the officer's section is Painless,
who is eating an enormous breakfast with great gusto.
HAWKEYE
Morning Painless. How they
goin'?
PAINLESS
Big day. Two jaws to rebuild.
41 INT. POSTOP WARD - DAY
Frank is listening gravely to a wounded soldier's heartbeat through a
stethoscope. Standing by awaiting orders is Private Boone. Frank has a
disturbed reaction to the lack of vital signs from the patient.
FRANK
(to Boone)
Get me one c.c. of adrenalin
and a cardiac needle.
BOONE
What's a...?
FRANK
Never mind questions. Get them!
As Boone dashes off with no comprehension of the errand he is supposed
to perform, Trapper, a couple of beds away, in the soiled fatigues he
wears on nonoperating room duty, can see and hear what is going on.
While he watches, Frank checks the patient further and establishes that
he is dead. With a disappointed sigh, he drops the man's lifeless arm
and throws the bedcovers back over him up to his neck.
42 INT. OPERATING ROOM - DAY
Henry is showing Hot Lips through the hospital and introducing her to
personnel. At the moment he is presenting Knocko.
HENRY
Captain Williams, Major.
(to Knocko)
Major Houlihan is our new Chief
Nurse.
Knocko holds out her hand in friendly greeting, and is startled to find
Hot Lips expects a salute instead.
43 INT. POSTOP WARD - DAY
Trapper, having observed Frank's recognition of the fact his patient is
dead, is unprepared for what the Major does when Boone comes running back
with a syringe, a small vial and an ordinary hypodermic needle.
BOONE
(anxiously)
This what you wanted, Major?
FRANK
(looking at vial)
No, you idiot. I said adrenalin.
And a cardiac needle.
He turns back to the patient and goes all over again through the same
checking process he followed before.
BOONE
(desperately)
I'll ask a nurse!
FRANK
It's too late. You killed him,
Boone.
A ghastly look appears on Boone's face. He tries to say something, can't
get it out, and bursts into tears instead. Then additionally ashamed of
himself for this weakness, he runs out. Frank, deciding not to discipline
the boy for the display of unsoldierly conduct, is proceeding about his
business when Trapper accosts him.
TRAPPER
You got a moment, Frank?
He indicates the Utility Room, which leads off the Operating Room and the
Postop Ward. When Frank assents, Trapper opens the door and ushers him in.
44 INT. UTILITY ROOM - DAY
It's a small room containing, among other items, a table with a pot of
coffee and cups which are available to medical personnel at all hours.
TRAPPER
You all through work for the day?
FRANK
Yes, I am. Why do you want to
know?
TRAPPER
Make sure you got time to sleep
this off.
He puts his whole hundred and thirty pounds behind a right uppercut that
lands squarely on Frank's jaw. At the same instant the door from the
Operating Room opens, and Henry gallantly makes way for Hot Lips to
precede him.
HENRY
This is the...
Frank drops to the floor, momentarily knocked out.
HENRY
T-Trapper!...C-C-Captain McIntyre
...what the hell...?
HOT LIPS
(staring at Trapper
incredulously)
That's a captain?
Frank is coming to and could probably get back into the fight by a cou
190
nt
of eight if he had any desire to.
HENRY
(to Trapper)
What's going on? Who started
this?
TRAPPER
You mean who hit who?
HENRY
Yes, that's what I mean.
TRAPPER
I did. First and only blow.
So far.
FRANK
(getting up)
He wouldn't have touched me if
I'd had my guard up. Let us
settle this between ourselves,
fa0
Colonel. Alone.
HENRY
What do you think I'm running, an
English boarding school? McIntyre,
you're under arrest. Confine
yourself to quarters, pending an
investigation.
TRAPPER
If you say so, Henry. But
remember my claustrophobia.
HENRY
(to Hot Lips)
I deeply regret this unfortunate
incident. We try to remember
we're a military organization.
HOT LIPS
I certainly would have thought so.
TIME LAPSE:
45 INT. THE SWAMP - NIGHT
Henry is standing indignantly over Trapper, who is sipping a beer in his
sleeping bag. Duke, Hawkeye and Ho-Jon are witnesses to the encounter.
HENRY
(yelling)
What's wrong with you?
TRAPPER
I don't know. I must have lost
my punch. I didn't think the
son-of-a-bitch would get up.
HAWKEYE
Stop acting like a colonel, Henry.
You know Trapper wouldn't sock
him without a good reason.
HENRY
There's no reason good enough
for one medical officer to strike
another.
DUKE
That there Frank Burns is a
menace. Whenever a patient
croaks on him it's either God's
will or somebody else's fault.
HAWKEYE
This time he did it to a kid who's
simple enough to believe him. Why
don't you dump the mother, Henry?
He creates more work than he gets
done.
HENRY
I should fire him because he got
in the way of Trapper's fist? No.
I've put up with a lot from you
guys, but now I finally have to take
disciplinary action.
HAWKEYE
Christ. All of a sudden it's
West Point.
DUKE
What are you going to do with him?
HENRY
Well...
(to Trapper)
I was going to name you Chief
Surgeon...
(to Hawkeye)
To consult on both shifts, yours
and Frank's.
DUKE
Hey, that's great, Henry! Good
thinking!
HAWKEYE
First decent idea you've had in a
month.
HENRY
Now I'll have to wait at least a
week. If I announced it tomorrow,
after what our new Chief Nurse saw
this afternoon, they'd hear her
yelling from Seoul to Washington.
TIME LAPSE:
46 INT. MESS HALL - DAY
Hot Lip's handsome face is relaxed into her most charming smile as she
approaches Hawkeye at the table where he sits by himself having a late
breakfast after a long night's work. Hawkeye (like Trapper and Duke)
no longer makes any attempt at a proper military appearance.
HOT LIPS
Captain Pierce, would I be
imposing...?
HAWKEYE
Honey, nobody as pretty as you
could ever impose...please sit
down. Coffee?
He offers her some from the pot beside him, and she holds out a cup while
he pours it.
HOT LIPS
Captain, I've been observing the
nurses on your shift. But naturally
your own opinion is more informed
than mine.
HAWKEYE
I'm glad you feel that way, Major,
because you see it's a team effort...
doctors, nurses, enlisted men...
and I feel responsible for my whole
team, and I want you to know I'm
satisfied with them.
HOT LIPS
All of them?
HAWKEYE
That's right. We work well
together.
HOT LIPS
Major Burns is far from satisfied.
HAWKEYE
That don't surprise me. If you're
a good observer, you must have
observed by now that Frank Burns is
a jerk.
HOT LIPS
On the contrary, I've observed he's
not only a good technical surgeon,
he's a good military surgeon. And
that includes how a man dresses and
how he bears himself and his sense
of what it means to be an officer
in the United States Army.
HAWKEYE
And his track record, that don't
count? Look, honey, when you watch
the two shifts try to notice which
one does the most work w
190
ith the
least fuss.
HOT LIPS
I've noticed that both nurses and
enlisted men address you as 'Hawkeye.'
HAWKEYE
It's my name. Maybe that sounds
silly to you but...
HOT LIPS
That kind of familiarity is
inconsistent with maximum efficiency
in a military organization.
HAWKEYE
Okay, Major, honey.
(pushes back his
chair)
fa0
I'm going to have a couple shots
scotch and go to bed. I'd normally
ask you to join me but obviously
you're a female version of the
routine Regular Army clown. And
that turns me off, so just leave
my outfit alone and we'll get along
fine.
(stands up to go)
See you around the campus.
HOT LIPS
(icily)
I wonder how a degenerated person
like you could have reached a
position of responsibility in the
Army Medical Corps.
HAWKEYE
Sister, if I knew the answer to
that I sure as hell wouldn't be
here.
TIME LAPSE:
47 EXT./INT. MESS HALL - DAY (SNOW ON GROUND)
People are going in and out of the Mess Hall, when an announcement
comes over the public address system.
VOLLMER'S VOICE
(over P.A. system)
Attention, everybody. I have an
announcement. 'Effective today,
Thirteen April, Captain John S.
McIntyre, U.S. Army Reserve, is
appointed Chief Surgeon at 4077th
Mobile Army Surgical Hospital.
Henry B. Blake, Commanding Officer.'
(informally, on
his own)
Nice going, Trapper.
Ugly John and Captain Bandini shake Trapper's hand in congratulations. The
only two officers in the outfit who don't like the news come out of the Mess
Hall together: Major Burns and Houlihan.
HOT LIPS
There's no point appealing to
Colonel Blake. They've got him
bewitched.
FRANK
No. The only thing to do is
write General Hammond.
(knowing perfectly
well she has her
own tent)
But it's hard to find a place
around here for a private
discussion.
HOT LIPS
I have a tent to myself.
FRANK
People will talk.
HOT LIPS
I don't mind. If we give them
something to talk about.
TIME LAPSE:
48 INT. HOT LIP'S TENT - NIGHT
Hot Lips finishes reading the letter she and Frank have drafted, signs it
and stands up as she folds it and puts it in a prepared envelope.
HOT LIPS
I think it's a marvelous letter.
FRANK
We're a good team.
HOT LIPS
We think the same way.
FRANK
It's supper time.
(as casually as
he can say it)
But you're not hungry are you?
HOT LIPS
Ravenous. What about you?
FRANK
(trying to hide
his disappointment)
Well, sure, if you are, Margaret...
HOT LIPS
Anyway, we want to get this
letter off.
He grabs her and kisses her and from her reaction we get a clear picture
of the kind of female she is. She responds to the kiss fervently, pressing
her lips and body against his, but the moment she decides to end it she
switches right back to her businesslike manner.
HOT LIPS
The sooner it reaches him, the
sooner we can turn this into a
tight military outfit.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
49 INT. MASH MAIN BUILDING - AT MAIL DEPOSIT BOX - NIGHT
Frank deposits the letter in the box while Hot Lips stands by. Then they
proceed on their way to the Mess Hall, unaware that they have been observed
by Radar on the other side of the partition into which the mailbox is set.
50 INT. MASH MAIN BUILDING - NIGHT
Radar picks up the letter Frank deposited and reads the address.
51 INT. THE SWAMP - NIGHT
There is a party going on. Present, in addition to the three occupants, are
Painless, Ugly John, Bandini, Judson, Vollmer, Ho-Jon, Boone, Murrhardt and
Seidman. Radar enters, engages Hawkeye's attention and shows him the letter.
Hawkeye glances through it, looks to Radar for confirmation and, getting it,
tears up the letter. Meanwhile under Duke's leadership, a bedpan is affixed
with adhesive tape to Trapper's head.
DUKE
Hail to the chief! We-all got a
responsibility, men. He's crowned
like a king ought to be, but he
can't just walk to the Mess Hall
by himself. He has to be carried
by nati
190
ve bearers.
HAWKEYE
Good thinking, Duke. How about
it, Ho-Jon? Can you round up a
few of the boys?
HO-JON
I don't get what you mean, native
bearers.
MURRHARDT
Bear is the same thing as carry.
HO-JON
It's the other word I'm not sure.
HAWKEYE
(afraid of where
this is leading)
Never mind. Forget it.
DUKE
(
fa0
simultaneously)
A native is someone who is born
in a particular place.
HO-JON
And if I go to New York, the
natives there will carry me? I
don't think so.
HAWKEYE
I don't think so either.
DUKE
I don't think I should have opened
my big mouth. Sorry, Ho-Jon.
HO-JON
(smiling)
That's okay. Live a little,
learn a little.
TIME LAPSE:
52 INT. MESS HALL - NIGHT
Frank and Hot Lips, sitting by themselves in a corner are disgusted, and
the rest of the people there are mildly amused, by the spectacle of
Trapper's entrance. The new Chief Surgeon, still wearing his bedpan
crown, is borne in on his cot by Hawkeye, Duke, Painless and Ugly John.
They set him down and break into song.
DUKE, HAWKEYE
PAINLESS AND UGLY JOHN
(singing)
Hail to the Chief
And King of all the surgeons
He needs a queen
To satisfy his urgin's.
TRAPPER
(loudly, pointing
at Hot Lips)
I'd like to try out that one over
there.
HAWKEYE
Very well, Your Majesty.
(starting toward
Frank and Hot Lips)
Congratulations, Frank. He picked
you.
TRAPPER
No, no, that one.
HAWKEYE
Oh, you want to play it straight?
(to Hot Lips)
I guess I owe you an apology.
Her eyes blazing with indignation, Hot Lips gets up and stalks out.
Frank follows her.
TIME LAPSE:
53 INT. HOT LIPS' TENT - NIGHT
Frank is sitting next to Hot Lips on her cot with a soothing arm around
her.
FRANK
Godless buffoons, all of them.
HOT LIPS
(her hands on his
face, turning it
towards her)
It's that disrespect for you,
that's what I can't forgive them.
FRANK
Oh, I'm used to it. What makes
me sore is how they behave towards
you.
(pulling her into
a tight embrace)
They ought to be grateful to have
you.
(kisses her, his hand
vanishing beneath her
skirt)
I certainly am.
HOT LIPS
(undoing one of
his buttons and
sliding her hand
under his blouse)
And I'm grateful for you, Frank,
especially with those boors around.
We've grown very close in a short
time.
He kisses her around the neck and bosom, removing such of the clothing as
gets in the way.
FRANK
It isn't just chance, I'm sure
of that. God meant us to find
each other.
Instead of lingering on a scene that threatens to become pornographic, our
attention is drawn down beneath Hot Lips' cot, where a strange object is
being inserted under the canvas wall of the tent. It is a microphone.
HOT LIPS
His will be done.
(then, in excited
response to an
inflammatory move
on his part)
Da-a-arling!
54 EXT. HOT LIPS' TENT - NIGHT
Radar, who has just planted the microphone, lets a coil of wire spin out
as he moves away.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
55 INT. HENRY'S OUTER OFFICE - NIGHT
Gathered here illicitly, in what is not only Sergeant Vollmer's domain but
the communication hub of the post, are Trapper, Duke, Radar and Ugly John.
They are listening, on their own private speaker, to what is being said in
Hot Lips' tent.
HOT LIPS' VOICE
(over speaker)
Frank...Frank...Frank...Frank...
Frank...
DUKE
What'd'y'all reckon he's doing
to her?
TRAPPER
Casting her horoscope.
FRANK'S VOICE
(over speaker)
Give me your lips, love. Set
me on fire.
DUKE
(to Radar)
Plug it in, boy. We got no call
to be selfish with a show like this.
Radar accordingly transfers the lead from the microphone to the outlet for
the post loudspeaker system.
A-55 EXT. ENLISTED MEN'S TENTS - NIGHT
The occupants of one tent are engaged in a crap game, while the men in the
adjoining one are settling down for the night. They are all dumbfounded
to hear Ho
190
t Lips' voice over the public address speakers.
HOT LIPS' VOICE
(over speaker)
I want you to make love to me
all night. I don't want anything
to take you away from me.
B-55 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
Hawkeye is performing surgery on a patient, assisted by Captain Bandini.
Both doctors and Leslie, the nurse working with them, have stopped to
listen to the lovers'
fa0
dialogue coming over the OR speaker.
FRANK'S VOICE
(over speaker)
Nothing can, with the Colonel
gone. I'm in charge tonight.
C-55 INT. HOT LIPS' TENT - NIGHT
Frank is on top of Hot Lips and, though the details of their amorous
activity are hidden under the covers, we can see enough to know it is
reaching a climax.
HOT LIPS
I like a man who is in charge.
Each word she speaks is instantly echoed on the speaker system so that
the word "charge" is still sounding after she has finished saying it.
She suddenly realizes there is something wrong, though she doesn't
immediately figure out what it is.
HOT LIPS
(disturbed)
Frank...
FRANK
Don't stop now! Please...
The word "please" is repeated so distinctly outside that, while Frank in
his critical condition remains unaware of it, Hot Lips sits bolt upright,
pushing him aside.
HOT LIPS
Wait a second...
FRANK
I can't...couldn't.
D-55 EXT. FRONT OF THE 4077TH - DAY
A Jeep driven by Henry pulls up near the hospital entrance, from which
Radar emerges to meet him. Leslie also joins them.
RADAR
Good morning, Colonel.
HENRY
Morning, Radar. How were things?
RADAR
Splendid, sir. No problems.
HENRY
Morning, Captain.
LESLIE
Morning, Colonel.
E-55 INT. MESS HALL - DAY
Hot Lips is finishing breakfast at a table with some of the other nurses.
Frank is sitting near her but at another table with a handful of male
officers, including Hawkeye directly opposite him. Duke and Trapper enter
together as Hot Lips rises to leave.
TRAPPER
(cheerily, to nurses)
Morning, girls. Good morning Major.
HOT LIPS
(coldly)
Good morning.
DUKE
Hiya, Frank. Hiya, Hot Lips.
Duke and Trapper continue on their way to their table in the officers'
section. Frank reacts angrily and is about to go after Duke when Hot Lips
touches his shoulder and speaks in a low tone.
HOT LIPS
No, leave all the rowdiness to
them. Calm down, drink your
coffee.
Hawkeye probably can't make out her exact words, but his gaze follows her
as she goes out the open door. The he looks at Frank, bending low across
the table as if he, too, had something confidential to say, but actually
speaking quite distinctly.
HAWKEYE
Tell me, Frank, is that stuff
you're tapping any good?
Frank reacts with such rage he can't speak for a moment.
F-55 EXT. MESS HALL - DAY
Henry, Leslie and Radar, passing by the Mess Hall entrance, encounter Hot
Lips on her way out. Her salute catches Henry by surprise, but he makes
a quick stab at returning it though his attention is on what he sees
through the Mess Hall windows.
HENRY
(to Radar)
Hawkeye and Frank Burns. That's
encouraging.
G-55 INT. MESS HALL - DAY
Hawkeye, who can see Henry outside (which Frank can't), affects surprise
at receiving no answer to his question.
HAWKEYE
I was just asking...
FRANK
Shut up or I'll tear you apart.
H-55 EXT. MESS HALL - DAY
HENRY
Can you make out what they're
talking about?
RADAR
I can try, sir.
I-55 INT. MESS HALL - DAY
HAWKEYE
I only wanted to know what she's
like in the sack. Do those big
boobs hold up or are they kind
of droopy?
J-55 EXT. MESS HALL - DAY
RADAR
(to Henry)
Hawkeye's asking the Major's
opinion on a point of anatomy.
K-55 INT. MESS HALL - DAY
HAWKEYE
Also I'm curious whether she's
a moaner or...
FRANK
Say that again and I'll kill you.
L-55 EXT. MESS HALL - DAY
RADAR
The Major wishes to have the
question repeated.
M-55 INT. MESS HALL - DAY
HAWKEYE
You know, does she go in for
sound effects...?
He keeps a wary eye on Frank while talking, and thus is able to duck the
coffee pot Frank hurls at him. From where Henry stands
190
in the doorway,
this act of unprovoked aggression is astonishing enough, for he can see
Hawkeye innocently eating his cereal, but the Colonel is even more amazed
when Frank follows it by springing across the table onto Hawkeye and
raining blows on him. Hawkeye puts up no resistance but simply covers
his head and screams.
HAWKEYE
Help! He's gone mad! Help,
somebody!
fa0
TIME LAPSE:
56 EXT. MASH COMPOUND - DAY
Two MPs are dragging Frank in a straitjacket to an MP Jeep. They load
him into the back and one of them gets in alongside him while the other
takes the wheel.
Watching the MPs drive off with their prisoner are Henry, Duke and
Trapper.
DUKE
Fair's fair, Henry. If I get
into Hot Lips and jump Hawkeye
Pierce, do I get to go home, too?
TIME LAPSE:
57 EXT. REPUBLIC OF KOREA ARMY INDUCTION CENTER IN SEOUL - DAY (SNOW IS
GONE)
It is now February. A jeep with Hawkeye at the wheel, Ho-Jon beside him,
drives up to the entrance. Hawkeye gives Ho-Jon a final instruction as
the boy gets out of the Jeep and goes into the building. Hawkeye finds
a place to park in the shade. Lieutenant Scorch is with them.
LIEUTENANT SCORCH
It was really nice of you to
take me along.
HAWKEYE
I didn't have much choice.
LIEUTENANT SCORCH
You really say the cutest things.
HAWKEYE
Yeah!
57 INT. KOREAN ARMY INDUCTION CENTER - DAY
The locale is established by the presence of military personnel in
uniform and the fact that a KOREAN ARMY DOCTOR, with the aid of one
assistant, is examining in quick succession a long line of naked young
Korean boys. Ho-Jon's turn comes up and we see how perfunctory the
process is: a brief overall scrutiny for visible defects, a blood
pressure reading, and the application of a stethescope to a few key
spots. Ho-Jon looks healthy and the doctor is startled by the
unexpected reaction he gets on applying the stethscope to the boy's
heart. He turns to check the blood pressure figure which his
assistant is about to record on the form he has taken from Ho-Jon.
Apparently the pressure is just as out-of-line as the heartbeat, and
the doctor feels Ho-Jon is ineligible for military service.
KOREAN DOCTOR
(to assistant, in
Korean)
We can't take this one. His
heartbeat is much too fast, and
his blood pressure is dangerously
high.
(to Ho-Jon)
Have you ever seen a doctor before?
(abruptly, to
assistant)
Wait a minute! What does it say
there about where he's been working?
(takes Ho-Jon's form
and reads the
information for
himself; then, to
assistant)
Get the check on his urine sample
right away.
(to Ho-Jon)
You'll have to wait around for
a while, young man. I need some
more information before I talk
to you again.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
59 EXT. KOREAN ARMY INDUCTION CENTER - DAY
Hawkeye, with Lieutenant Scorch, waiting in the Jeep, is startled at
being addressed by a stranger, whom he recognizes as the doctor that
examined Ho-Jon. Ho-Jon is with him.
KOREAN DOCTOR
(in English)
You please excuse...
(as Hawkeye turns
and sees them)
I have been making examination
of this young man to find if he
will be soldier in our army.
HAWKEYE
Yes, I know. Hi, Ho-Jon. How
did it go?
KOREAN DOCTOR
I don't liking it at all, what I
hear when I listen to the heart.
And such a blood pressure for so
young a boys. Is frightening.
HAWKEYE
I'm sorry to hear that. You think
he's unfit for military service?
KOREAN DOCTOR
At first is no doubt. But then I
am seeing on his paper he work in
American hospital. And I think
there are so many drugs in such a
places, he could take some by
mistake.
HAWKEYE
Why would he do that?
KOREAN DOCTOR
Who is knowing? But the drug I
have find in his urine is solving
all mysteries. By tomorrow will
be gone his fast heart and high
blood pressure. So I think maybe
you will like to tell him goodbye.
Okay?
He gives Hawkeye a warm smile and leaves the two of them alone. It's
clear from Hawkeye's expression that he has no choice b
190
ut to admit
defeat.
HAWKEYE
Sorry, Ho-Jon. I didn't think
they'd be that sharp. But I'm
still going to start the ball
rolling for you to go to college
in America when you get out. My
old school, Androscoggin.
TIME LAPSE:
60 EXT. OFFICERS' LATRINE - DAY
It's a warm spring day in a climate much like the northeastern part
of the United States
fa0
. At first we see nothing but the latrine tent,
which is identified by a sign. A couple of small missiles propelled
with considerable force strike the canvas, but it is only when they
roll back to the ground that we can identify them as golf balls. A
closer look at the ground area reveals a dozen other balls scattered
around, and then we see two Korean Houseboys appear from protected
places on the sides of the tent, looking carefully to make sure there
are no more balls coming, and proceed to gather up those on the
ground. During this action there is the SOUND of a helicopter
landing near the hospital.
61 EXT. FIELD BEHIND OFFICERS' LATRINE - DAY
The disrepubility in clothes and grooming that has been increasing
with each view of the Swampmen has reached an extreme stage in the
view we now get of Hawkeye and Trapper. ALong with their soiled
fatigue pants, Hawkeye wears a torn, dirty T-shirt of some unlikely
color, Trapper a sport shirt that looks as if he had picked it up
in Hawaii on the way over and worn it ever since. Both are unshaven.
Each has a well-equipped golf bag into which he now replaces the iron
club he has been using for the medium-range shots they have been
practicing. Taking out drivers, they set tees in the ground and, as
the houseboys run up with the balls, Trapper indicates they will be
shooting down the longest dimension of the field. After addressing
the balls with a few practice swings, they deliver expert drives that
are not only in the 250-yard range but fairly straight in the intended
direction.
HAWKEYE
(pleased with himself)
I came within about ten yards of
you. You know something, Trapper,
the way we been going, if we ever
got to see a real golf course
again, I bet we could burn it up.
TRAPPER
As far as the greens maybe. I
don't know if my putting would
come back or not, without some
practice.
The SOUND of the helicopter taking off again doesn't concern them till
they realize it is headed directly toward them. It comes down so close
to them they step back to avoid the wind from the propeller blades,
which the PILOT keeps going as he and Vollmer climb out.
VOLLMER
(to pilot)
That's him on the right.
PILOT
That's Captain McIntyre?
VOLLMER
(to Trapper)
The Lieutenant's flown up from
Seoul just to find you.
PILOT
You're Captain McIntyre?
TRAPPER
That's what the Army calls me.
Stick out your tongue, take off
your shirt and tell me where it
hurts you.
His face showing his bewilderment, the Pilot silently hands Trapper a
long white envelope and a large brown one. Trapper tears open the
white one, glances at the top copy of the order it contains.
TRAPPER
'...Proceed immediately to
Kokura, Japan...'
(to Pilot)
Do you know what this is about?
PILOT
There's a GI there whose father's
a Congressman. A grenade went off
in training and they think there's
a piece of it in his heart.
TRAPPER
(opening brown
envelope)
These his X-rays?
PILOT
Yes, sir. Apparently some big
chest surgeon in Boston told the
Congressman the only man to take
care of his son was Captain John
McIntyre.
(his doubt
undiminished)
I suppose there could be more
than one doctor with that name...
Trapper meanwhile has held the X-rays up to the sunlight and invited
Hawkeye to look at them at the same time.
TRAPPER
(looking back at
orders; to Hawkeye)
General Hammond says I can take
anyone along I need to assist
me. Want to come?
Hawkeye uses the pretense of scanning the X-rays from another angle to
draw Trapper aside, so they can speak without the Pilot and Vollmer
hearing them.
HAWKEYE
I'm not so sure the goddam
thing's in his heart.
TRAPPER
'Cours
190
e it isn't, but how many
chances do we get to go to Japan?
With our golf clubs.
TIME LAPSE:
62 EXT. AIRPORT IN KOKURA, JAPAN - DAY
It is a bright, sunny afternoon in peaceful Japan. Hawkeye and Trapper,
in the same outlandish clothes, walk from the military transport plane
in which they have made the trip from Seoul, and approach a car with
"25TH STATION HOSPITAL" embl
fa0
azoned on its side. The driver, SERGEANT
GORMAN, is asleep. With their golf clubs slung over their shoulders,
they get into the back seat. Hawkeye pulls the door closed with the
loudest possible BANG, and succeeds in waking Gorman, who turns on them
with outraged indignation.
GORMAN
Garrada there!
TRAPPER
What?
HAWKEYE
Let me translate. I've had some
exposure to the language. The
young man is from Brooklyn and he
wants us to vacate this vehicle.
TRAPPER
(to Gorman)
But weren't you supposed to meet
the surgeons who are going to
slice up the Congressman's son?
GORMAN
You guys are the quacks?
HAWKEYE
You betcher ever-loving A, buddy-
boy.
GORMAN
Poor kid. Goddam Army.
TRAPPER
But besides the operation, we've
got to get in at least eighteen
holes of golf.
HAWKEYE
So let's haul ass, Sergeant.
GORMAN
Goddam Army.
But he starts the engine.
TIME LAPSE:
63 INT. ARMY CAR - DAY
There is silence between Sergeant Gorman and his passengers as the
military hospital comes into view. But something else comes into view
in the distance at the same time: the unmistakable contours of a golf
course.
TRAPPER
Look.
HAWKEYE
Beautiful. What do you think?
Should we stop and play nine
holes now and operate on the kid
later? If he's still alive.
GORMAN
Goddam Army.
TRAPPER
I think we ought to operate first,
no frills, get through it on the
double. Then we'll be nice and
relaxed on the course.
HAWKEYE
Good thinking.
GORMAN
Goddam, goddam Army.
They are coming to a stop in front of the hospital.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
64 INT. 25TH STATION HOSPITAL - DAY
A PRETTY WAC sits behind a reception desk doing a job so utterly
routine she doesn't even look up from her magazine when Hawkeye puts
a question to her.
HAWKEYE
Where's the Congressman's son
at, honey?
PRETTY WAC
Ward Six.
But then she does glimpse enough of their costumes to take a full look,
and her reaction indicates clearly that she is not prepared for unkempt,
unmilitary-looking men carrying golf bags.
PRETTY WAC
Hey you can't go in there!
Who are you?
HAWKEYE
I'm the pro from Dover and this
is my favorite caddie.
PRETTY WAC
Well, you can't go in. No till
you tell me your business and I
check with Colonel Merrill's office.
HAWKEYE
(relenting)
Well, if you must know...
But Trapper has meanwhile made a feint toward the door, to which the
Pretty Wac responds by rising and interposing herself in his path.
TRAPPER
(to Hawkeye)
Hold it. If this soldier enforces
her own orders. I'm ready to take
her on. Anxious. Single combat.
He moves toward the girl, who holds her ground staunchly till they are
almost in contact. Then she takes a step back, and continues to take
one step backwards for each one of his in her direction. When they get
close to the door, her resistance collapses entirely and she scurries
back to her seat at the desk, where she grabs the phone as Trapper and
Hawkeye march through the door.
PRETTY WAC
(into phone)
Colonel Marril's office.
65 INT. 25TH STATION HOSPITAL - DAY
All personnel, American and Japanese (who, like the Koreans at MASH, do
the menial work) react in surprise to the sight of Trapper and Hawkeye
making their way around a few corners till they find Ward Six.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
66 INT. WARD SIX - DAY
Two golf bags are propped against the foot of the Congressman's son's
bed. Trapper listens closely to the boy's chest while Hawkeye bends
down to his ear to reassure him. A WARD NURSE hovers near him, not
actually cooperating with them but not defying them either.
HAWKEYE
(to Congressman's
190
son)
Don't worry, son. That's Captain
McIntyre, and he's the best chest
surgeon in the Far East and maybe
in the whole U.S. Army. He'll
fix you up fine. Your daddy saw
to that.
TRAPPER
Just like we thought, it's a
routine problem. Nurse, who's
in charge of operating room
preparations?
By the time he has begun his question
fa0
to her, the WARD NURSE has spotted
someone approaching of whom she is in obvious dread. And it is at this
figure that she points by way of answer: a firece-looking NURSE CORPS
CAPTAIN.
WARD NURSE
Sh-sh-she is.
Anticipating that a major confrontaion is about to take place, Trapper
and Hawkeye decide to keep it away from their patient's beside.
Accordingly they pick up their golf bags and go to meet the advancing
Captain.
NURSE CORPS CAPTAIN
What are you hoodlums doing in
this hospital?
HAWKEYE
(politely)
We're surgeons, ma'am, we're here
to work. All we want is our
starting time.
NURSE CORPS CAPTAIN
You can't even look at a patient
here till Colonel Merrill says it's
okay. And he's still out for lunch.
TRAPPER
(quietly)
Look, Mother. I want to go to
work in one hour. We're the pros
from Dover and we figure to crack
that kid's chest and get out to
the golf course before it's dark.
So find the gas-passer and tell him
to premedicate the patient. Then
bring me the latest pictures on him;
the ones we saw must be forty-eight
hours old by now. And tell the
kitchen to rustle up some lunch.
Ham and eggs'll do; steak would be
even better. And give me at least
one nurse who knows how to work
in close without getting her tits
in my way.
(as she hesitates)
You're going to have to move
quicker than that. I said an hour.
TIME LAPSE:
67 INT. 25TH STATION HOSPITAL OPERATING ROOM - DAY
CAPTAIN E.B. (ME LAY) MARSTON is the anesthesiologist at the 25th.
Wearing gown, cap, and mask, he is busily at work checking the
Congressman's son to make sure he is properly anesthetized. At that
moment the doors open and in come Trapper and Hawkeye, also wearing
OR outfits, as are the two nurses who stand by waiting for them.
Trapper looks questioningly at Me Lay, who answers with a nod that all
is ready.
TIME LAPSE:
68 INT. 25TH STATION HOSPITAL OPERATING ROOM - DAY
The atmosphere in the OR is tense. Hawkeye is maintaining proper
traction on the clamp that holds the lung in place, while Trapper
concentrates on removing the fragment.
TRAPPER
Got it.
COLONEL MERRILL
I demand an explanation!
COLONEL MERRILl, Commanding Officer of the hospital, has stormed through
the OR swinging doors in full military uniform without any antiseptic
precautions.
HAWKEYE
(to circulating nurse)
Get that dirty old man out of
the operating room!
COLONEL MERRILL
I'm Colonel Merrill!
HAWKEYE
Beat it, Pop. If this chest
gets infected, I'll tell the
Congressman who did it.
To everyone's astonishment, inclusing the Colonel's, it works. He turns
around and walks out without another word. Most affected of all by
Hawkeye's audacity is Me Lay, who reacts with a sharp look in Hawkeye's
direction and then by picking up his anesthesia chart and writing, in the
space labeled "First Assistant," the name "Hawkeye Pierce."
TRAPPER
Okay, I'm closing up. Everybody
relax.
ME LAY
(to Hawkeye)
May I have the surgeon's name.
please?
HAWKEYE
He's the pro from Dover and I'm
the Ghost of Smokey Joe.
ME LAY
Save that crap for the rest of
the clamdiggers back home.
Both surgeons stop working in their surprise. Hawkeye looks at the
anesthesia chart and sees where Me Lay has written his name. Then he
takes a closer look at Me Lay himself, or what shows of him between his
cap and his mask.
HAWKEYE
(to Trapper)
Did I ever tell you about Me Lay
Marston?
TRAPPER
Your high school friend who went
around saying 'Me lay, you lay?'
to all the young females in the
community. As I remember, you
said it was quite a successful
approach.
H
190
AWKEYE
Well, he wouldn't score more than
once in seven or eight tries, but
the important thing was he didn't
waste time socializing. Anyway,
Trapper John, this is Me Lay.
ME LAY
The real Trapper John? The one
who threw you the famous pass and
went to greater glory on the
Boston and Maine Railroad?
HAWKEYE
The one and only.
fa0
ME LAY
Proud to know you, Trapper. Like
to shake your hand if you'll hurry
up and get that chest closed.
(looks around to
make sure the nurses
can't hear)
You still working the trains?
TRAPPER
Planes mostly. May take a crack
at rickshaws. How does the direct
approach work over here?
ME LAY
I been out of action sice I got
over here five months ago.
HAWKEYE
You don't go after the local
scrunch?
ME LAY
I'm too busy, actually. Not for
the Army, of course, but where I
live. Dr. Yamachi's New Era
Pediatric Hospital and Whorehouse.
I'm serious. The guy has this
crude hospital for kids and a
whorehouse on the side to finance
it, all in the same building.
TIME LAPSE:
69 INT. SURGEONS' DRESSING ROOM, 25TH STATION HOSPITAL - DAY
Hawkeye and Trapper have washed and put their golf practice clothes
back on. Me Lay is dressed in fresh fatigues with Captain's bars.
HAWKEYE
(to Me Lay)
What do you do in the joint
besides pimp?
ME LAY
That's about the only thing I
don't do - that I'm built for.
I inspect the girls and take care
of some of the kids in the hospital.
Sometimes I tend bar and act as
bouncer.
A CORPORAL enters with the manner of a messenger from on high.
CORPORAL
Captain Pierce? Captain McIntyre?
Colonel Merrill wishes you to
report to his office immediately.
HAWKEYE
Tell him we'll think about it.
(to Trapper)
I suppose we do have to reach
some sort of understanding with
the old boy.
TRAPPER
(to Me Lay)
What's the bastard really like?
ME LAY
(for the Corporal's
benefit as well as
theirs)
Colonel Merrill is a veteran of
twenty-five years in the Regular
Army, a soldier first and a doctor
second. A member of several
patriotic organizations, he
believes it's America's God-given
mission to maintain a foothold
for freedom on the Asian mainland.
TRAPPER
That bad?
(to Hawkeye)
But I guess you're right. We
might as well see him.
(reaches for golf
bag, to Corporal)
Got any caddie carts?
CORPORAL
What?
Trapper just slings his golf bag over his shoulder with a sigh, as does
Hawkeye. Me Lay, meanwhile, has written a few words on a scrap of paper.
TRAPPER
(to Corporal)
Never mind.
ME LAY
(hands paper to
Hawkeye)
The address of the N.E.P.H. and
W. Why don't you meet me there
when you're through golf for
drinks and dinner and whatever
strikes the fancy?
TRAPPER
Mine's already been struck, and
it doesn't have to be very fancy.
HAWKEYE
(to Corporal)
Lead the way.
The Corporal does so and they follow him out.
70 INT. 25TH STATION HOSPITAL - DAY
Hawkeye and Trapper come out of the dressing room after the Corporal
and follow him down a corrider. Then they realize to their surprise
that there are two other soldiers following them who have been stationed
outside the dressing door. Their invitation from the Colonel is getting
to seem less casual every moment.
71 INT. COLONEL MERRILL'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY
A SECOND LIEUTENANT and a Sergeant seated on opposite sides of a desk
look up with interest as Trapper and Hawkeye come in with escorts fore
and aft.
SECOND LIEUTENANT
These the prisoners?
CORPORAL
Yes, sir.
Hawkeye and Trapper exchange looks.
SECOND LIEUTENANT
They can wait in the Colonel's
office. He'll be back in a few
minutes.
The Corporal opens the door to the Colonel's empty and quite luxurious
office. Trapper and Hawkeye go in with their golf bags.
72 INT. COLONEL MERRILL'S OFFICE - DAY
Trapper and Hawkeye enter, the door closing behind them, and look aroun
190
d.
It is a long time since they have seen surroundings like these, with
Western upholstered furniture, pictures on the walls and high quality
wall-to-wall carpeting. It is this last feature that attracts Hawkeye's
attention. He squats down to feel its texture and with a look invites
Trapper to do the same. Trapper is also impressed with the smoothness
of the surface, and without having to
fa0
exchange a word about it, they each
find a putter and a golf ball and start lining up targets for their brief
sorely missed putting practice.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
73 INT. COLONEL MERRILL'S OFFICE - DAY
The Colonel comes in militarily, which is the way he makes all his
entrances.
COLONEL MERRILL
You men are under arrest!
TRAPPER
Quiet! Can't you see I'm putting?
COLONEL MERRILL
I'll have you...!
HAWKEYE
Please!
(completes a putt,
walks over and
picks up ball)
Face it, Colonel, you don't have
us, we have you. Your boys blew
this case, we bailed you out. We
figure we ought to hang around a
day to check the Congressman's
kid, and we also figure to play
some golf. So if that's okay
with you, we got a deal.
TRAPPER
And if it isn't, why don't we
call Washington on your telephone?
You tell your story, we'll tell
ours.
HAWKEYE
(picking up his
clubs)
When you make up your mind, get
in touch. The golf club is
probably the best place to leave
a message.
Trapper has also taken his golf bag, and the two of them walk out
serenely together. The Colonel supports himself on his desk as he makes
his way to his chair and sits down to absorb the shock to his system.
TIME LAPSE:
74 INT. JAPANESE GOLF CLUB PRO SHOP - LATE AFTERNOON
The shop features an assortment of Western style golfing attire, all
about two decades behind the times. Trapper is holding a pair of 'plus
fours' in front of him to test the size. The GOLF PRO looks on with the
studied approval of the dedicated salesman everywhere; Hawkeye with
amusement.
TRAPPER
These the longest you've got?
GOLF PRO
Wonderful. They are looking
like they are made for you.
Hawkeye has discovered a pair of knee-length argyle socks, which he
exhibits to Trapper.
HAWKEYE
We got to have these to wear
with them.
(glances out
window)
You know, by the time we get all
this stuff on, it'll be practically
dark.
Two GIRL CADDIES enter the shop while he is speaking. They are very
young, not more than seventeen, dressed in slacks. They see Trapper and
Hawkeye's golf bags and start to sling them over their shoulders.
TRAPPER
(agreeing)
Yeah, maybe we ought to...
(sees caddies)
Hey, who are they?
GOLF PRO
Your caddies. But perhaps it is
becoming too late to start.
TRAPPER
(walking over to
caddies for closer
look)
Not at all.
(touches the prettier
one under the chin to
raise her downcast head)
What's your name, honey?
HAWKEYE
Come on, Trapper. We got to
forget golf for today.
TRAPPER
I don't know why. As long as it's
light enough to see your caddie.
HAWKEYE
(to Golf Pro)
What's the age of consent in this
country?
GOLF PRO
Which? I do not know what you
mean.
HAWKEYE
Never mind.
(to Trapper)
Let's take one sport at a time.
The place for tonight's is the New
Era Pediatric Hospital Et Cetera.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
75 INT. DR. YAMACHI'S N.E.P.H. & W. - DINIG ROOM - NIGHT
Trapper and Hawkeye, dressed in kimonos, are sitting Japanese style on
the floor with Me Lay around a low table. Three girls serve them
attentively, doing everything for them except actually feeding them. A
girl named MICHIKO takes away a plate that Trapper has left virtually
untouched and puts a bowl of thick soup in front of him. The second girl
serves soup to Hawkeye and Me Lay, and the third brings in a large bowl
of rice.
TRAPPER
Soup? Rice? What are we doing,
beginning all over again?
ME LAY
No, we had a clear soup to start.
This is a thick one and you ought
to taste it. There's nothing
like it b
190
ack home.
TRAPPER
How can I taste it now? We've
already had like twelve courses.
MICHIKO
You are not wishing to eat more?
I bring you most special plum
brandy.
TRAPPER
I don't want it. I don't want
to eat, I don't want to drink.
(reaches out and
grabs Michiko's
ankle)
All I want...
There is a KNOCK on the door, follo
fa0
wed immediately by the entrance of a
Japanese nurse, who indicates an urgent desire to speak to Me Lay. Me
Lay gets up and listens to what she tells him in an undertone. Trapper
meanwhile has succeeded in pulling Michiko off her feet, and makes
clear the general direction of his intentions by sprawling out on the
floor with her in his embrace.
ME LAY
(to Hawkeye and
Trapper)
Can you guys take one minute to
look at a kid for me?
TRAPPER
Now?
HAWKEYE
(to Me Lay)
Why can't you look at him?
ME LAY
I have but well, you know, I've
been mainly an anesthetist a long
time now and...well, I'd like you
guys to take a look at him.
HAWKEYE
What's the story?
ME LAY
Well, one of the girls got careless
and two days ago she gave birth to
an eight-pound American-Japanese male.
HAWKEYE
What's wrong with him?
ME LAY
Every time we feed him, it
either comes right back up or he
coughs and turns blue and has a
hell of a time.
TRAPPER
(releasing Michiko
and sitting up
reluctantly)
We don't have to see him. Call
that half-assed Army hospital and
tell them to be ready to put some
lipiodol in this kid's esophagus
and take X-rays.
ME LAY
But it's ten-thirty at night. We
can't get military personnel out
for a civilian. A foreign civilian.
HAWKEYE
Don't give them any unnecessary
details. Just say the pros from
Dover are on their way with an
emergency. And you'd better get
the OR cranked up because I got a
feeling you're going to pass some
gas while I help Trapper close a
little bastard's tracheo-esophageal
fistula.
76 INT. 25TH STATION HOSPITAL OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
Three OR nurses are at work getting things on order when the swinging
doors open and Me Lay, carrying the two-day-old baby, enters,
accompanied by Hawkeye and Trapper. Nothing has led the nurses to
expect an infant patient, and they are distinctly taken aback.
FIRST OR NURSE
Where did that baby come from?
Is that what you got us up for?
HAWKEYE
Yes, ladies, that's why we got
you up. Me Lay, put him down
there...
(indicating operating
table)
...and get ready to start giving
him the anesthetic.
(to nurses)
We stumbled on this deal. We
didn't want it but we don't see how
we can walk away from it, no matter
whose rules are broken. This baby
has no legal right to be taken care
of in an Army hospital, though his
father was probably an American
soldier. But he's going to die if
we don't fix him now, tonight. So
what about it?
FIRST OR NURSE
Let's get going.
Me Lay places the mask attached to his gas container on the baby's face
ans starts to administer a carefully limited quantity.
COLONEL MERRILL
This time I will not be intimidated!
He has come into the OR while he is talking, and he is so menacing that
all preparations are halted while he finishes his pronouncement.
COLONEL MERRILL
I command that this improper and
illegal use of Army facilities
cease immediately. Twice you men
have forced me into appeasing your
aggression by threatening me with
what you'll say to a certain
Congressman. Well, I don't care
what you tell him or anyone else!
I don't care if it costs me my
command and my whole career in the
Army. On this point I stand as a
matter of principle, as unshakable
as the Rock of Gibralter.
HAWKEYE
Me Lay? Trapper?
Moving in concert, Hawkeye and Trapper grab Colonel Merrill and drag
him over to Me Lay's end of the operating table. Me Lay takes the
anesthetic mask from the baby's face and clamps it firmly on the
Colonel's. The Colonel
190
struggles for a while but they manage to hold
him and pretty soon he is quiet.
HAWKEYE
Is he out?
TRAPPER
Like the Rock of Gibralter.
TIME LAPSE:
77 INT. DR. YAMACHI'S N.E.P.H. & W. - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Trapper, Hawkeye and Me Lay are half-dragging, half-carrying Colonel
Merrill along a corrider, and girls, including Michiko and the others
we have seen before, h
fa0
ave come out of their rooms to watch.
ME LAY
He's coming to.
HAWKEYE
Let's get his clothes off quick.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
78 INT. DR. N.E.P.H. & W. - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Colonel Merrill is stirring on the bed as Hawkeye and Me Lay remove
the last item of his clothing. The Colonel opens his eyes but he is
still too drugged to have any idea where he is or how he got there.
ME LAY
Okay, Michiko.
Michiko moves toward the bed, removing the kimono which is her only
garment. At the same time Hawkeye grabs a camera, which is all ready
for use with a flashbulb attachment and starts to take a series of shots
of the Colonel and Michiko, both naked in the bed. The Colonel reacts
to the intermittent bursts of light.
COLONEL MERRILL
What the hell's going on?
MICHIKO
Please, you no worry, sweetheart.
Just keeping close.
HAWKEYE
(after five or six
shots)
All right, that's plenty. You
can put your clothes on, Colonel.
Michiko reaches for her kimono and puts it back on as she gets out of
bed. The Colonel sits up, still a bit dazed but becoming more aware of
what's happening all the time.
COLONEL MERILL
I've been framed!
HAWKEYE
That's what they all say. But
I have photographic evidence here
that you're a lecherous old man
and a disgrace to the uniform.
However, I won't even develop the
film if your people watch that baby
we operated on like he was the
Congressman's gradson. Which for
all we know he may be.
79 INT. DR. YAMACHI'S N.E.P.H. & W. - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Michiko joins Me Lay.
MICHIKO
Where is Captain McIntyre? I am
waiting so long for him.
Me Lay open a bedroom door, revealing Trapper fully dressed and sound
asleep on the bed.
ME LAY
Give him a few hours, Michiko.
Right now he couldn't get up a
flight of stairs.
Michiko's answering smile indicates superior feminine wisdom in these
matters. She goes into the room, closing the door behind her.
TIME LAPSE:
A-79 INT. WARD SIX. 25TH STATION HOSPITAL - DAY
Hawkeye, dressed in the Japanes adaption of the well-dressed American
golfer of the 1930's, and caryying his golf bag, is at the Congressman's
son's bedside. He looks at the boy's chart and then at the patient
himself, finding both of them quite satisfactory.
B-79 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
Trapper, similarly outfitted with individual variations of his own, has
just examined the baby they operated on. He writes out some
instructions and gives them to a nurse. Then he picks up his golf bag
and goes out to a corrider where Hawkeye is waiting for him. They start
to walk toward the hospital entrance, finally ready for a few hours of
relaxation on the golf course.
VOICE
(over loudspeaker
system)
Captain Pierce and Captain
McIntyre! Please contact the
message center. Captain Pierce
and Captain McIntyre!
They look at each other with foreboding.
HAWKEYE
It couldn't be good news.
By joint unspoken agreement, they quicken their pace in the same
direction. Then their resolution falters.
TRAPPER
(to a passing nurse)
Where's the goddam message center?
TIME LAPSE:
80 INT. 4077TH MASH - LATE AFTERNOON
OR facilities are being utilized to capacity. For the first time we
see Henry himself in surgeon's working dress, winding up an operation.
Completing his work, looking tired and anxious, he walks through the
crowded OR to the Preop Ward, which is also jammed up with cases awaiting
surgery. Leslie comes to meet him.
HENRY
What's the lineup, Major?
LESLIE
Six cases ready for surgery,
sir, and four more that just
need a little more blood or a
little more time for the
antibiotics to take hold.
HENRY
I guess we can handle them, if
there aren't any six o'cl
190
ock
choppers. Every time they fly
while it's still daylight, they've
got wounded that can't wait.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
81 EXT. LANDING AREA OUTSIDE 4077TH MASH - LATE AFTERNOON
Henry's watch says a minute or two after six o'clock. Once more, as at
the beginning, he is standing outside the Admitting Ward with Radar,
listening for helicopters coming from the north. R
fa0
adar, straining his
superhearing to listen, reacts unhappily to a sound neither we nor
Henry can catch.
RADAR
Chppper coming in, Colonel. Two
of them, I'm afraid.
HENRY
Damn.
RADAR
(a puzzled look)
And another one, but it's from
the south.
(looking south)
There.
Henry looks eagerly to the south as the COMBINED SOUND of three
helicopters becomes audible and quickly mounts in intensity.
82 EXT. SKY TO THE SOUTH - DAY
A helicopter (the type that came from Seoul to pick up Trapper and
Hawkeye, rather than the Air Rescue Squadron ones that bring the wounded
from the front) approaches the landing area and starts to make its
descent. There is a golf bag full of clubs attached to each of its pods.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
83 INT. ADMITTING WARD - DAY
Trapper and Hawkeye, conspicuous because they are still in their golf
costumes, are among the surgeons checking the newly arrived wounded.
More cases are still being brought in from helicopters and ambulances,
mainly on stretchers, a few under their own power assisted by a Medical
Corpsman or two. This is really the most hideous face of war; the
mangled bodies and limbs and faces, the expressions alive with pain
and dulled by shock, are more terrible than any number of quiescent
corpses. Trapper finishes examining a man and speaks to Hot Lips.
TRAPPER
This one goes right to the OR.
Tell Duke to do him ahead of the
busted spleen.
(moving on to
another patient,
a Korean)
And this kid can't wait. I'll
take him myself, before I get to
that ruptured diaphragm.
HOT LIPS
Captain...
(securing his
attention)
'This kid' is a prisoner of war.
TRAPPER
Yeah?
HOT LIPS
It's an American boy's rupture
you're supposed to close.
TRAPPER
Listen, we get a deluge like
this, just deciding priorities
on a medical basis is hard
enough. So never mind the side
issues.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
84 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
A few days later. Duke is working deep inside a belly with a new young
surgeon, CAPTAIN LAPHAM, assisting him. Lapham glances at the patient's
face.
LAPHAM
Duke...
Duke looks, too, and the patient's eyes are enough to tell him the job
he's doing no longer has any function. After an almost superfluous check
of the heartbeat, Lapham closes the man's eyes.
85 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
Hawkeye, with Ugly John handling the anesthetic, is digging out pieces
of metal from a face that will never quite look like a face again.
86 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
Trapper, with Painless filling in as anesthesioloigist, is working in
close to a patient's heart. Suddenly all the lights in the OR go out.
This is not an unprecedented event, and one by one three corpsmen appear
in different locations around the operating table with flashlights whose
combined beams make it possible for Trapper to carry on.
87 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
With the electric light restored, Duke and Lapham are at work on another
case, removing several feet of small bowel no longer useful to the owner.
88 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
Henry and Murrhardt, with Scorch assisting, are amputating an arm.
89 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
A dead patient, face covered with a sheet is removed from an operating
table by two corpsmen. Immediately two other corpsmen bring a stretcher
to the other side of the table and unload a new patient onto it. Ugly
John and a nurse start to prepare him for surgery.
90 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
Hawkeye, with Knocko helping, is sewing up an incision which we can see
is in the area of the groin. Dago Red comes by.
DAGO RED
Nice looking kid. Going to be
okay?
HAWKEYE
He'll live if that's what you
mean. But somebody better be
around when he comes to and finds
out there's nothing left
190
between
his legs.
TIME LAPSE:
91 INT. ADMITTING WARD - DAY
A few days later. A new group of patients is being brought in on
stretchers by corpsmen. Trapper and Duke are examining an unconscious
Negro private. Trapper looks at him with special attention to the
eyes. The right pupil is dilated and fixed. Duke meanwhile checks his
pulse and blood pressure.
DUKE
fa0
Pulse, slow, very little pressure.
TRAPPER
Look at that right eye.
DUKE
Epidural hematoma?
TRAPPER
I don't know what else. You've
been that route a little, haven't
you?
DUKE
Not enough to be a pro.
He moves to another case. Duke continues to examine the private with
particular attention to the right side of the head. The more he
observes, the more alarmed he becomes.
DUKE
(to corpsman)
Into the OR! Right now.
He runs ahead of the stretcher through the Preop Ward. At the entrance
to the OR he runs into Knocko.
DUKE
Quick, Knocko, get me gloves,
knife, hammer, chisel, Gelfoam
and a drain.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
92 INT. OPERATING ROOM - DAY
Knocko finishes saving and cleaning the right temporal area of the
unconscious private's head, and Duke wastes no time making an incision
down to the bone.
DUKE
Okay, give me the hammer and
chisel. There are drills you
can make nice, neat holes in the
skull with, but we ain't got none.
(taking hammer and
chisel, fortifying
himself for the act)
So here goes.
He pounds the chisel into the private's skull and keeps at it till he
cracks his way through. Blood flows out in a torrent. Duke pulls his
tools away and just watches. Very quickly he is rewarded by the sight
of a torrent diminishing to a dribble.
KNOCKO
What happens now?
DUKE
We sew him up.
He stuffs Gelfoam down into the bleeding site, puts in a rubber drain
and starts to sew the skin back together with silk sutures.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
93 INT. OPERATING ROOM - DAY
The private is moaning and stirring restlessly on the table as Duke
finishes closing the incision and Knocko takes the Patient's pulse.
KNOCKO
Pulse is way back. Nearly sixty.
DUKE
We took the pressure off his
brain. You know, Knocko, this
boy might just make it, and if
he does you and me ought to be
ready with a story.
KNOCKO
What do you mean?
DUKE
One thing everybody knows for sure
that don't know hardly anything
else, is how delicate any kind of
brain surgery is. So I certainly
wouldn't like it if there was
somebody going around saying all
I did was crack him on the head
with a hammer and chisel.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
94 INT. ADMITTING WARD - DAY
Hawkeye is examining a young PRIVATE FIRST CLASS who is in shock,
semiconscious and saturated with mud over his whole uniform, hair and
skin. There is a muddy, bloody bandage around his neck.
HAWKEYE
(to a corpsman)
Get that bandage off so I can
see what the hell's underneath.
He moves on to the next stretcher. The corpsman undoes the bandage and
pulls it away. The Private First Class turns his head to the left, and
blood spurts two feet into the air from a hole in the right side of his
neck.
PRIVATE FIRST CLASS
Mama, Mama! Oh, Mama, I'm dying!
The blood continues to gush as the people in the immediate vicinity
watch in fascination. As it comes down again if falls on the PFC's face
and into his mouth. He reacts by coughing, spraying his audience with
blood. Hawkeye runs back and sticks his index finger down the hole,
blocking off the severed artery and stopping the flow of blood.
HAWKEYE
(to corpsmen)
Bring him to the OR right on this
stretcher. I can't take my finger
out. Somebody find Ugly John and
get his ass in there.
They are already in motion toward OR, Hawkeye moving along beside the
stretcher with his finger in the hole. On the way they pass near Leslie.
HAWKEYE
This one is urgent, Les. Start
somebody cutting off his clothes.
Tell the lab to come in with a
couple of pints of low titre O,
and type and cross-match him for
five or six more. Get somebody to
do two
190
countdowns and start the blood.
Come to think of it, get somebody
to start rounding up donors, and
send some cowboys to Seoul for all
the goddam blood they can get.
And get that miserable gas-passer
in here!
UGLY JOHN
(at OR entrance)
I'm here.
HAWKEYE
Good. Get him asleep and a tube
in him if you can. His common
carotid
fa0
is cut and I can't do
anything with the son-of-a-bitch
jumping all over the place.
(to Leslie)
Find somebody to help me. I got
to keep a finger on this or we
lose him, and I can't get it
clamped with my left hand.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
95 INT. OPERATING ROOM - DAY
The PFC has been transferred to an operating table without Hawkeye
losing his finger pressure on the artery. The clothes have been cut
off him, and Ugly John has both blood and anesthetic going into him,
the latter through an intratracheal tube. Hawkeye has a scalpel in
his left hand and with it he enlarges the wound around his right
index finger. Then he tries to slide a Kelly clamp down his finger
into the wound to clamp the artery but he can't manage it left-handed.
He looks desperately around the OR only to observe that every surgeon
and nurse is fully engaged, including Henry and Hot Lips. Ugly John
is having a hard time fulfilling his dual function as it is, and can't
possibly take on another. Hawkeye tried again with the clamp and
fails, and then, to his great relief, there appears within in his
peripheral vision as he concentrates his attention on the PFC's neck,
a male figure, gowned, capped, masked and gloved. It doesn't matter
to Hawkeye which of his colleagues it is; he just tells him what
assistance he needs from him.
HAWKEYE
Grab this Kelly, ride it down
my fingers and we'll have this
mother under control.
The newcomer, though Hawkeye doesn't realize it, is Dago Red. Following
instructions, he takes the clamp and inserts it in the wound.
DAGO RED
What do I do with it Hawk? This
is a little out of my line.
HAWKEYE
Didn't recognize you, Red. When
you get the clamp all the way down,
open it as wide as you can and see
if you can close it on the artery.
Dagor Red obeys these orders cautiously. When he widens the clamp and
starts to close it again, he has the satisfying sensation of feeling
something substantial, and siezes it vigorously.
DAGO RED
I got ! I got it!
But what he has grabbed with the clamp is Hawkeye's finger and Hawkeye,
by reflex action, pulls it out to where we can see it with the clamp
grasping it. The blood starts to spurt again and Hawkeye goes back into
the wound, but this time with his left index finger.
HAWKEYE
You got my finger for Christ's
sake. But maybe I can do better
with my right hand.
(inserts a retractor
into wound, puts the
working end of it in
Dago Red's hands,
taking back the Kelly
clamp)
Pull it toward you. More. Good.
(rides clamp down his
left index finger and
this time he closes
it on the right place)
There. That does it for now.
(to Ugly John)
We'll keep him right where he is
till Trapper John can give me a
hand sewing that artery back
together.
TIME LAPSE:
96 EXT. LANDING AREA OUTSIDE 4077TH MASH - LATE AFTERNOON
Two helicopters descend to the ground, and corpsmen start unloading
the wounded. Also visible are a couple of ambulances that are being
unloaded. Henry and the three Swampmen have stepped outside the
Admitting Ward entrance to watch. They are all haggard, unshaven and
groggy, but Henry, the oldest, is the one who shows the strain the most.
HENRY
Fifteenth straight day there've
been six o'clock choppers.
How long can a battle go on?
HAWKEYE
You got to relax, Henry. Since
the deluge started, you been
working in the OR and running the
outfit, too.
TRAPPER
Best thing you could do for all
of us is grab some sack time.
HAWKEYE
(calling)
Radar!
Radar appears as usual on the instant.
RADAR
Yes, sir? I've been trying to
persuade the Colonel to take
some rest.
DUKE
Well, stop persuading, just make
190
him.
RADAR
(to Duke)
Yes, sir.
(to Henry)
Come along, sir.
Henry is so fatigued he allows himself to be led away by Radar.
HAWKEYE
Believe me, Henry, outside of us,
no one'll even know you're gone.
TIME LAPSE:
97 INT. PREOP WARD - DAY
Here the more seriously wounded of those brought into the Admitting Ward
are getting transfusions,
fa0
have had Foley catheters inserted in their
bladders and/or Levin tubes in their stomachs, and have their X-rays on
display on wires in front of each cot. Trapper, Hawkeye and Duke are
checking them to establish priorities. They reach the last cot, on
which Ho-Jon is lying, attended by a Corpsman we haven't seen before.
CORPSMAN
This kid is pretty bad.
Out of habit Hawkeye looks at the X-ray first.
HAWKEYE
For you, Trapper.
TRAPPER
(looking at X-ray)
Okay, but I'll need you to help.
Duke, will you take that belly
back there? The Australian?
Duke turns back to undertake his assignment. Trapper and Hawkeye continue
to study the X-ray.
HAWKEYE
It's in pretty deep.
TRAPPER
Yeah, and he's lost a lot of
blood. I'm afraid it's hit more
that just the lung.
Ho-Jon opens his eyes and smiles at the sight of his old friends.
CORPSMAN
(to Ho-Jon)
You''l be okay, boy.
HO-JON
I know. I got the best there
is. Captain Pierce and Captain...
HAWKEYE
Christ, it's Ho-Jon!
TRAPPER
Hiya, Ho-Jon. You got a piece
of a shell in your chest, but
we'll take it out as soon as you've
had more blood. Hey, Radar!
Radar, passing through the ward, comes over in response to the summons.
TRAPPER
(to Radar)
Has that A-negative come from
Seoul? We'll need some in the OR.
RADAR
There isn't any. We keep ordering
and they don't deliver.
HAWKEYE
We got to have at least one pint.
It's for Ho-Jon.
Radar reacts in surprise and looks toward Ho-Jon's cot.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
98 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
Hawkeye is assisting Trapper in making the incision in Ho-Jon's right
chest. Ugly John is giving the boy additional anesthetic.
HAWKEYE
If we squeeze him through, I'm
going to get him into Androscoggin
College.
TRAPPER
How about squeezing him through
into Dartmouth? If all he wants
to do is catch lobsters, he can
learn that here.
HAWKEYE
Dartmouth's too big and too
expensive. If he's as good as I
think he is, he can move into the
big league later. But Androscoggin
first.
TRAPPER
(studying the incision)
We'll need room. The sixth rib
goes.
HAWKEYE
Never mind the conversation. Do
it, Dad.
TRAPPER
You aspirate the blood from the
chest cavity. Damn, there's more
of it than I thought.
HAWKEYE
(preparing to
use suction device)
If we don't get that pint, he's
in trouble.
99 EXT. AND INT. HENRY'S TENT - NIGHT
Radar, followed by an associate lab technician, enters Henry's tent.
Henry is snoring away in deep sleep. Gently Radar straightens Henry's
right arm and deftly injects Novocaine over a vein. Henry stirs.
HENRY
(mumbling in sleep)
Not now, honey. Gobacksleep.
The lab technician tightens the sleeve of Henry's T-shirt to serve as
a tourniquet, and Radar expertly inserts a needle into the vein and
starts extracting blood into a pint container.
100 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
Hawkeye has finished aspirating the blood. Trapper reaches down into
the wound.
TRAPPER
(triumphantly)
I got it. Here, feel. In the
cava.
He takes his hand out and lets Hawkeye put his in.
HAWKEYE
I don't feel anything.
TRAPPER
Oh, Jesus.
He indicates that he wants to feel again. Hawkeye withdraws his hand
and Trapper puts his back in again.
TRAPPER
I can't feel it now either. The
mother must have gone in.
HAWKEYE
I don't get it.
TRAPPER
It was in the cava and the hole
sealed itself off. I must have
jiggled it just enough to turn it
loose. I can't feel it in the
heart or the right pulmonary
artery. So it's in the left
pulmo
190
nary artery.
HAWKEYE
What do we do?
TRAPPER
We'll have to close this hole
and make one on the other side.
HAWKEYE
Be kind of rough on him if there's
no blood. Why don't we close up
and sit on him a couple of days?
TRAPPER
Sure, that's the right way...at
John Hopkins or someplace. But
how do we know there won't be
eve
fa0
n more of a jam-up a few days
from now? Maybe we won't be able
to get to him when we want to.
Maybe the goddam thing'll erode
the artery when nobody's looking.
Our best shot is now.
Radar comes up to the operating table with a container of blood.
RADAR
A-negative. I've cross-matched
it.
HAWKEYE
I though you said we didn't
have a drop.
RADAR
I found a doner.
TIME LAPSE:
101 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
Trapper has exposed Ho-Jon's left pulmonary artery. Duke and Hawkeye
are assisting him by applying traction to the tapes on either side of
where Trapper is now cutting the artery, so that there is only a small
flow of blood from the incision. Trapper brings out his hand and
displays the tiny metal fragment which is the object of their efforts.
TRAPPER
(to Ugly John)
How is he?
UGLY JOHN
Nice.
TRAPPER
(to nurse)
Arterial silk.
He starts to sew the artery back together.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
102 INT. OPERATING ROOM
The artery is joined again.
TRAPPER
(to Hawkeye and
Duke)
Ease off on those tapes, and
let's see how much it bleeds.
(sees a few drops
of blood come
through incision)
How is he?
UGLY JOHN
Nice.
TRAPPER
Boys, we're home free.
HAWKEYE
When will he be able to write?
DUKE
What's he got to write, for God's
sake?
HAWKEYE
An application to Androscoggin
College.
TIME LAPSE:
103 INT. HENRY'S OFFICE - DAY
Henry is on the phone. Hawkeye, Duke, Painless and Radar wait eagerly
for the news.
HENRY
(into phone)
Colonel Blake here.
104 INT. GENERAL HAMMOND'S OFFICE, 325 EVAC HOSPITAL - DAY
HAMMOND, a one-star general, has a major and a lieutenant colonel with
him as he talks to Henry.
GENERAL HAMMOND
(into phone)
I got news for you, Henry.
You've been so concerned about
that battle for Old Baldy. It's
all over.
105 INT. HENRY'S OFFICE - DAY
Henry nods happily to the others to tell them that the word is favorable.
HENRY
(into phone)
Thanks, General. Thanks for
calling.
He hangs up and turns to the others to pass on the General's exact words.
106 INT. GENERAL HAMMOND'S OFFICE, 325 EVAC HOSPITAL - DAY
The General wasn't through talking and didn't expect Henry to hang up at
that point. He is quite startled, in fact, because he has been saving
the most important piece of information for the end.
GENERAL HAMMOND
(to major and lieutenant
colonel)
He didn't wait to hear who won.
TIME LAPSE:
107 EXT. FIELD NEAR RIVERBANK - DAY
A very hot day in late August. Standing all by itself in an empty field
is a sign on which some fairly careful carpentry and lettering work has
been expended. It reads: "38TH PARALLEL MEDICAL SOCIETY MEETS HERE
SUNDAYS."
CAMERA PANS to the river, where Trapper, Hawkeye and Duke are lying on
their stomachs, naked or nearly so, on air mattresses. The heat from
which they seek relief is obviosly intense, and they are pampering
themselves further with tall, ice-filled drinks. On the riverbank near
them stands one empty cup and one half-full bottle of Pimms No. 1 Cup,
and all three surgeons are more noticeably drunk than we have previously
seen them.
TRAPPER
She had this shiny black hair
piled up on her head, but later
on she let it hang loose and I'll
be damned if it didn't come all
the way down to her ass.
DUKE
I've always had a hankering for
blonde pussy myself. My wife's
hair is a wonderful golden yellow,
and this time of year it gets even
lighter.
HAWKEYE
I guess that's why you go for Hot
Lips Houlihan.
DUKE
You know damn well I nearly puke
when I look at her. I don't even
think she's a real blonde.
190
HAWKEYE
How can you say a thing like that
about an officer in the United
States Army?
DUKE
I not only say it, I'll back it
up twenty buck's worth.
HAWKEYE
You got yourself a bet, Georgia
boy.
(to Trapper)
You're a witness.
TRAPPER
Okay, I'm a witness, but how do
you prove who's right?
DUKE
There's only on
fa0
e way.
TIME LAPSE:
108 EXT. SHOWER TENT - NIGHT
twelve hours later. The shower tent is simply an ordinary Army tent
enclosing a row of showers supplied by a water tank on a high platform
in back of the tent. Duke and Hawkeye are working under cover of
darkness to loosen each of the stakes that secures the tent to the
ground around it.
TIME LAPSE:
109 EXT. THE SWAMP - DAY
the following afternnon. Trapper and Hawkeye sit in chairs outside
their tent, glasses in hand, still on their tall, hot-weather drink
kick. Trapper looks at his watch.
TRAPPER
It's five minutes into nurses'
shower hour. Where are they?
HAWKEYE
They're coming.
110 EXT MASH COMPOUND - DAY
The Swamp is at the end of the officers' row nearest the nurses' tents,
so they have a good view of the women as they emerge from their quarters
dressed in bathrobes and carrying towels, shower caps and bars of soap.
The first two to appear are Knocko and Lieutenant Scorch. Next, from
her own private tent, comes Hot Lips.
HAWKEYE
Hey, Knocko, I got those pictures
you promised to look at of my kids.
You too, Wilma. It won't take a
minute.
(to Hot Lips politely)
You can see them too, if you want.
HOT LIPS
No, thank you. I'm not the
slightest bit interested.
She continues on across the compound and enters the shower tent. Knocko
and Lieutentant Scorch come over to the Swamp while Hawkeye goes inside to
find the pictures. Then two more nurses emerge from a tent and head for
the showers. Trapper gets up and saunters over to intercept them.
111 EXT. SHOWER TENT - DAY
The door of the tent is closed behind Hot Lips, and after a moment there
is the sound of water being turned on. Then our attention is drawn to
the peak of the tent, to which a thin scarcely visible strand of wire has
been attached. The wire is drawn taut and runs across the peak of the
barbershop tent next door and down the far side of it to where Duke sits
on the ground operating a sort of windlass upon which the wire is wound.
He turns the crank with a quick burst of energy.
Back at the shower tent the force of the wire pulls the canvas tight, the
loosened stakes come out of the ground, and the whole tent is whisked
right off its center pole, revealing Hot Lips nude under the shower.
112 EXT. BARBERSHOP TENT - DAY
Duke abandons his machine and moves to where he can get the crucial view
of Hot Lips. The he calls across the compound to Hawkeye.
DUKE
Okay, Yankee know-it-all! Pay
up!
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
113 INT. HENRY'S TENT - DAY
Hot Lips, in her robe, her hair still wet from the shower, carrying her
towel and shower cap, is expressing her wrath forcefully to Henry,
ignoring the facts that he is in bed and that Leslie is in bed with him,
which explains why we have never seen anybody make a pass at her.
HOT LIPS
This isn't a hospital, it's an
insane asylum! And it's your
fault because you don't do anything
to discourage them!
HENRY
What do you expect me to do?
HOT LIPS
Put them under arrest! See what
a court-martial thinks of their
drunken hooliganism. It started
with their calling me Hot Lips and
your letting them get away with it.
You let them get away with everything!
And if you don't turn them over to
the MPs now, I'm going to resign my
commission and...!
HENRY
Oh, g-g-goddamit, Hot Lips, resign
your g-godam c-commission!
TIME LAPSE:
114 EXT. FRONT OF 4077TH MASH - NIGHT
two days later. An Army car bearing the single star of a brigadier
general drives up to the entrance. The sergeant at the wheel jumps
out and open the rear door for General Hammond and his aide, a captain.
GENERAL HAMMOND
(to aide)
Tell them I want to talk to all
the officers on the post except
those o
190
n emergency duty.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
115 INT. MESS HALL - NIGHT
Most of the officers of 4077th Mash are assembled to listen to General
Hammond. Henry and Hot Lips are both in the front row but separated
by some distance and not looking at each other. All the Swampmen are
on hand.
GENERAL HAMMOND
...These are very serious
accusations, and without prejudging
th
fa0
e charges against him, I am
suspending Colonel Blake from all
his duties during the investigation,
which I will conduct myself. I will
also serve as your Commanding Officer
during that time. I shall be
calling on a number of you for your
individual testimony on the points
at issue. Thank you. Carry on.
116 INT. DENTAL CLINIC - NIGHT
Hawkeye, Duke and Painless are playing poker with a British, a
Norwegian and an Australian officer. It is close to two o'clock the
same night. General Hammond opens the door and looks in, doesn't like
what he sees and steps inside. All six players are immediately aware
of his presence but decide to act as if they weren't.
HAWKEYE
(to British Officer,
who is dealing)
Gimme three.
GENERAL HAMMOND
At ease. Captain Pierce, you
have a seriously wounded patient
for whom you are responsible. Yet
I find you in a poker game.
HAWKEYE
You betcher ass, Dad.
GENERAL HAMMOND
What?
BRITISH OFFICER
One to the dealer.
(to Hawkeye)
You're the opener.
HAWKEYE
Check.
GENERAL HAMMOND
Pierce! That soldier requires
immediate attention. I'm a
surgeon and I know.
HAWKEYE
You betcher ass, General.
BRITISH OFFICER
I'll wager a dollar.
DUKE
I fold.
PAINLESS
See the bet.
NORWEGIAN OFFICER
Me likewise.
Hawkeye and the Australian throw in their hands.
GENERAL HAMMOND
Are you going to take care of
your patient or are you going to
play poker?
BRITISH OFFICER
King-high flush.
Painless and the Norwegian throw in their hands, and the Englishman
pulls in the pot.
HAWKEYE
(to the general)
I'm going to play poker until three
a.m. or until the patient is ready
for surgery.
However, if you'd like to operate
on him yourself right now, be my
guest. I get the same dough
whether I work or not.
GENERAL HAMMOND
I want to talk to you, Pierce.
HAWKEYE
There's nothing to talk about,
General. You take the case
yourself or join me at three
o'clock. Either way you're liable
to learn something.
The General is far from pleased with the disrespect accorded him, but
as the poker players start a new hand, he decides against making an
issue on terms selected by Hawkeye. Instead he turns around and goes
out.
TIME LAPSE:
117 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
Ugly John is attending a Korean soldier on the operating table with
a belly wound. The OR clock reveals that the time is 2:55. Hawkeye
and Seidman look in.
UGLY JOHN
He's practically there.
HAWKEYE
(to Seidman)
Please ask General Hammond to
join us.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
118 INT. SURGEONS' WASH-UP ROOM - NIGHT
General Hammond joins Hawkeye at the scrub sink, prepared to take part
in the coming operation.
HAWKEYE
General, at one-thirty when I
checked him last, this guy had had
less than a pint of blood, and he'd
lost two or three.
His pulse then was 120 and his
blood pressure was about 90.
Now, at three o'clock, he's had
three pints of blood. His pulse
is 80 and his pressure 120. His
collapsed lung has been expanded
and he's had a gram of terramycin
intravenously. We can operate on
him safely and we should do it
quickly, but we don't have to do
it frantically or carelessly.
TIME LAPSE:
119 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
Hawkeye has been doing the repair work in the patient's belly, with
General Hammond functioning as a largely nonparticipating assistant.
The incision is still open with sections of bowel on which repairs
have been done still exposed.
HAWKEYE
Now, General, I'm going to sandbag
you. Do you think we're ready to
get ou
190
t of this belly?
GENERAL HAMMOND
Obviously you don't think so, and
I don't know why.
HAWKEYE
Well, Dad, we haven't found any
holes in the large bowel. They've
all been in the small bowel, but
the smell is different. I caught
a whiff of large bowel, but it
ain't staring us in the face, right?
GENERAL HAMMOND
Right.
HAWKEYE
fa0
So if it ain't staring us in the
face, it's got to be retroperitoneal.
And that, along with the look of
the wounds, makes me figure he's
got a hole in his sigmoid colon that
we won't find unless we look for it.
He has been working all the time he has been talking, and now, after a
little more manipulation within the incision, is able to indicate the
perforation he has hypothecated.
HAWKEYE
And there it is.
GENERAL HAMMOND
I'm impressed, Pierce. Naturally,
the kind of job I have, I don't
get much chance to keep up with
what goes on in the OR.
HAWKEYE
Neither does Henry Blake. But
I'll tell you what makes him the
best C.O. you've got in any of
your hospitals. He leaves all the
medical decisions to the men who
do the day-to-day work and
understand what meatball surgery
is.
TIME LAPSE:
120 INT. THE SWAMP - DAY
the following day. General Hammond is having a drink with Hawkeye,
Trapper and Duke. Ho-Jon keeps the glasses full.
TRAPPER
It certainly isn't Henry's fault
Hot Lips Houlihan doesn't like
her name.
DUKE
Or her figger.
HAWKEYE
She's so square she's even against
our having a football team.
This stirs the General's curiousity, but Duke speaks before he has a
chance to ask his question.
DUKE
You don't think we'd be speaking
up for a goddam Regular Army
colonel, do you, if it wasn't
important?
Begging your pardon, General.
I forgot.
GENERAL HAMMOND
(to Hawkeye)
Football?
TRAPPER
Anybody you replaced Henry with
couldn't last. We guarantee that.
GENERAL HAMMOND
I didn't know you had a football
team.
HAWKEYE
Well, it's still pretty much in
the talk stage.
GENERAL HAMMOND
We had a team at the 325th Evac
last fall. I coached the boys
myself.
HAWKEYE
I think I heard about that.
GENERAL HAMMOND
Now we're working out a schedule
of the outfits we're going to play
this year. We all chip into a
pool and make bets.
HAWKEYE
Must be fun. But the point we
want to make about Henry...
GENERAL HAMMOND
(rising)
I'm sure we could find a date for
your team. Why don't I take it up
with Henry?
(exiting)
Thanks for the drink, boys.
After the General has left, the other two Swampmen look at Hawkeye
uncomprehendingly.
DUKE
Where the hell we going to get us
a football team?
HAWKEYE
All three of us played for our
schools. And there are at least
four other guys...
TRAPPER
But he's got five times the man-
power to draw on.
HAWKEYE
We can balance that by getting
ourselves a ringer. Henry has to
say he needs a neurosurgeon and
put in a specific request for Dr.
Oliver Harmon Jones.
DUKE
Never heard of him.
HAWKEYE
Sure you have, only as 'Spearchucker'
Jones.
DUKE
The nigra boy with the Philadelphia
Eagles?
TRAPPER
He only lasted one season.
HAWKEYE
On account he got caught in the
doctor draft. He was a surgical
resident playing semi-pro ball
weekends when the Eagles signed him.
DUKE
How come nobody knows about him?
And you do?
HAWKEYE
I worked with Spearchucker my first
month over here, at the 72nd Evac
in Taegu. Most of the colored guys
know who he is but they're not
talking because he asked them
not to.
TRAPPER
So what makes you think he'll
play for us?
HAWKEYE
We'll cut him in on the bets we
make. And still have enough profit
to send Ho-Jon to college.
TRAPPER
Might make kind of a social issue,
not having any other Negro officer.
190
HAWKEYE
He can move in here with us.
DUKE
Now wait a minute, Hawkeye. I
come a long way, learning to put
up with a couple of crazy Yankees,
but...
HAWKEYE
Don't tell me about your problems,
boy. Explain them to Ho-Jon.
121 INT. HENRY'S OFFICE - DAY
Henry, nervous at what he thinks is going to be his showdown with General
Hammond, is startl
fa0
ed by the General's unexpected proposal.
GENERAL HAMMOND
If we had closer relations, there
wouldn't be any misunderstandings.
That's where a football game would
help. Between your outfit and
mine.
HENRY
A football game?
GENERAL HAMMOND
Special Services in Tokyo are all
for it. They say it's one of the
main gimmicks we have to keep the
American way of life going here in
Asia.
HENRY
But what about Major Houlihan?
GENERAL HAMMOND
You mean Hot Lips? Screw her.
HENRY
N-n-no thanks, G-General.
TIME LAPSE:
122 EXT. LANDING AREA OUTSIDE 4077TH MASH - DAY
It is September. A helicopter descends to the ground in the familiar
location and, as on earlier occasions, Medical Corpsmen come from the
hospital to aid in unloading it. But this time the cargo, instead of
wounded men, turns out to be boxes which the corpsmen rip open and
which contains football uniforms: black shoes, cardinal red jerseys,
white helmets and white pants.
TIME LAPSE:
123 EXT. FIELD BEHIND OFFICERS' LATRINE - DAY
a day or two later. Fifteen men are wearing uniforms from the chopper
load. Practice at this point is confined to kicking and passing the
three footballs at their disposal, and the uniforms still look clean
and new. Trapper is a good passer, Hawkeye is a better-than-average
receiver, and Duke punts well, but generally speaking, the balls are
dropped more often than they are caught, and the overall effect is
pretty ragged. Among the other players are Vollmer, Ugly John, Boone,
Painless and Judson. On the sidelines watching are Henry, with a
whistle tied to a piece of rubber hospital tubing around his neck, and,
in uniform, SPEARCHUCKER, a very big, broad-shouldered black man in
his early thirties.
SPEARCHUCKER
If I can make a suggestion,
Coach.
HENRY
The way I run an organization,
any man in it has the right to
speak his mind.
SPEARCHUCKER
In that case, here are ten basic
plays. I think that's about all
this bunch can handle.
He hands Henry ten sheets of paper, on each of which a running or pass
play is diagrammed down to the finest detail.
HENRY
Thank you, Spearchucker. I'll
certainly take a look at these.
Where the hell did you ever get
that name?
SPEARCHUCKER
I used to throw the javelin.
Hawkeye catches a pass from Trapper and runs with the ball right to where
Henry and Spearchucker are standing.
HAWKEYE
Listen, we look pretty lousy out
there, right?
SPEARCHUCKER
Well, for college players that
have been out of training seven
or eight years...
HAWKEYE
I'm thinking about how we can
make more money.
(to Henry)
Suppose we bet only part of our
dough and keep this big animal
out of the game the whole first
half and let them roll up some
points. Then you could bet the
rest of our bundle between the
halves and get the General and his
friends to give us some real odds.
HENRY
It's a nice idea. I mean it has
style.
HAWKEYE
It's the only way we can make
enough to put Ho-Jon through
Androscoggin.
124 EXT. ATHLETIC FIELD, 325TH EVAC HOSPITAL - DAY
It is November. The Mash team, in uniform, comes out of the quonset
hut assigned to it as dressing quarters. Already on the bench toward
which the players head are a few supporters including Dago Red, Knocko
and Leslie. Radar is also there serving as water boy. Spearchucker
has a blanket wrapped over his head and held together at the chin to
eliminate the chance of his being recognized as he looks over their
opponents, who now file out of their quonset hut. The first notable
thing about them is that they number twenty-five as opposed to a total
of fifteen in uniform for the Mash team. Secon
190
d is the even more
discouraging fact that two of them, one black and one white are
enormous, bigger than Spearchucker. The uniforms are orange and black.
SPEARCHUCKER
Those two big guys were tackles on
the Cleveland Browns, and the redhead
played halfback with the Rams.
HENRY
They can't do that to me!
HAWKEYE
The bastards outconned us.
SPEARCHUC
fa0
KER
I think we could still have a chance.
HAWKEYE
If you start the game instead of
waiting, you mean?
SPEARCHUCKER
No, let's stick to that strategy
till we see whether you boys can
do two things. The first is get
that halfback out of the game. He
had one year with the Rams before
the Army got him, but he didn't
play too often because he's one
of those hot dogs.
DUKE
What?
SPEARCHUCKER
When he sees a little running
room, he likes to make a show...
you know, stutter steps and
cross-overs and all that jazz.
Also he never learned to button
up when he gets hit, so if you
two can get a good shot at him
once, you can hurt him.
HAWKEYE
But we'd have to break his leg
or something to keep him out of
the game for good.
TRAPPER
Not necessarily.
UGLY JOHN
As long as there's a pile-up, we
can do our bit to encourage his
permanent withdrawal from the
contest.
TRAPPER
It's a technique Ugly John and I
worked out in case something like
this came up.
DUKE
(gazing across at
opposition tackles)
Look at the size of those two
beasts.
HAWKEYE
I don't think I could hurt one of
them with a sledgehammer.
SPEARCHUCKER
You can make them run. They've
got the occupational disease of
oversized ex-athletes. They're
carrying thirty pounds extra
apiece. So we run everything
wide, wide, wide...make them move
more then they want to on every
play.
125 EXT. ATHLETIC FIELD, 325TH EVAC HOSPITAL - DAY
The Mash team is lined up to kick off, which is Duke's function. There
is only one official, a REFEREE, dressed in conventional white.
HAWKEYE
The pro halback is playing
safety. Kick it to anybody else.
Duke accordingly kicks the ball about thirty yards and angled to his
left. But the player who takes it on the thirty-yard line simply
runs to his left and back a little toward his own goal line in order
to hand it to the RAM HALFBACK as he charges downfield from his safety
position. He sidesteps, stright-arms or otherwise eludes all eleven
of the Mash players and runs unimpeded for a touchdown. A few moments
later he kicks the ball over the bar for the point after touchdown.
HENRY
(screaming from
sidelines)
Stop him! Stop that man!
DUKE
(as they line
up to receive)
Sure, you just blindfold him
first and tie him to a stake.
Duke is the one to receive the kickoff, which he takes on the ten. He
runs it back about twenty yards, dodging several enemy tacklers, then
sees the black tackle from Cleveland bearing down on him. Duke runs
back and forth sideways a few times, not gaining any ground but making
the other man move.
DUKE
Hawkeye!
He throws a lateral pass to Hawkeye, toward whom both tackles from
Cleveland now run. Hawkeye leads them almost from one side of the
field to the other, then reverses direction, keeping them on the move
till he sees a chance to throw a lateral to Trapper.
SPEARCHUCKER
(from the bench)
That's the stuff! Run the hams
off those big hogs!
Trapper returns the ball to Duke, who manages to make a couple of yards
forward and a lot more sideways before the Ram halfback cuts him down
from the rear. The Mash team goes into its first huddle.
TRAPPER
(to huddle)
Okay, don't give them a chance
to get their breath. Hawkeye
wide to the right.
They are near the sideline to their left, playing a winged T formation.
Trapper takes the ball from Vollmer, the center, runs back as if to pass
but really gives it to Hawkeye at left half as Hawkeye goes by him in a
wide sweep that takes him all the way to the right sideline with the two
Cleveland tackles in pursuit. Hawkeye then cu
190
ts in quick and tries to
get by them but one of them brings him down for a gain of no more than
two yards.
On the next play Trapper really goes back to pass, but his blockers
are of no use against the pro tackles, whome he sees descending on him.
Trapper starts running straight back for a while, then makes a dash to
the right followed by a dash to the left. He is almost tackled again,
and
fa0
his only route of escape is back toward his own goal line.
SPEARCHUCKER
(from the sideline)
Throw it! Throw it!
Faced with a loss of about twenty-five yards, Trapper spots Hawkeye in
the area of the line of scrimmage and whips the ball to him. Hawkeye
catches it but there are tacklers all around him and he goes down
almost immediately for no gain on the play. Moving faster than they
have to in order not to give the opposition any rest, the team huddles.
TRAPPER
(to huddle)
Wide to the left. Duke, you're
the pace-setter this time.
They go into action again. This time Trapper, taking the ball from
Vollmer, gives it to Duke, who makes a feint at an off-tackle play,
then turns back and into a wide end run instead. Duke is still a good
ball carrier by college standards and he has little trouble shaking off
the amateurs who try to tackle him, and is thus able to make it a
running duel with the professionals. When they finally nab him, he is
no more than two or three yards ahead of the scrimmage line, but the
ex-tackles from Cleveland are visibly panting and wishing they hadn't
allowed all that extra poudage to accumulate. On the fourth down, of
course, they have to punt. Duke goes back to receive the ball from
Vollmer at center.
HAWKEYE
Don't try to get it far down.
Kick it up high so we can get
there and surround that son-of-a-
bitch.
DUKE
Yeah, if I can.
He does a good job of it. The kick is high enough so there are several
red jerseys around the Ram halfback when he gets under it. He raises
his right arm for a fair catch. The would-be Mash tacklers, including
Hawkeye and Trapper are frustrated. They array themselves defensively
while their opponents have a huddle and line up to take the offense.
HAWKEYE
(to Duke and Trapper)
Let's get him this time. I don't
think they've got anyone else who
can carry the ball.
As Hawkeye anticipated, the opposing quarterback slips the ball to the
Ram halfback, who starts to go wide of the tackle, sees Hawkeye,
untouched by blockers, closing in from the outside, and makes his
beautiful cross-over to cut back in. At the same time he is hit at
the knees by Hawkeye, and high by Duke. And there are quite a few
other Mash players in the immediate vicinity, Trapper and Ugly John
in the forefront, so that a lot of weight is piled up on top of the
flashy halfback.
A close look at Ugly John reveals him to be reaching inside his
jersey and under a shoulder pad, from which he extracts a hypodermic
needle. With the skill of an expert anesthesiologist he pulls up
the sleeve of the tackled and stunned halfback, and plunges the
needle into his arm.
The Referee meanwhile is indignantly pulling at the Mash players on
top of the pile and orally expressing his disapproval.
REFEREE
Get off the guy! He's tackled.
You don't all need to jump on.
The Mash players quickly remove themselves. Duke and Hawkeye are the
last to get up. Remaining on the ground is the former halfback for
the Rams, still firmly clutching the ball but looking as if he needed
to get a lot of air into his lungs. His captain, the white pro tackle,
takes one look at him and speaks to the Referee.
325TH CAPTAIN
Time! Time!
The Referee blows his whistle to stop the clock. The captain waves for
assistance from the sidelines, and the trainer and water boy come
running in. Radar also appears from the opposite sideline with water
for his team. Ugly John takes advantage of his presence to slip the
hypodermic he has been concealing in his hand into Radar's pocket.
Meanwhile there is agreement in the opposition camp that the Ram
halfback should go out of the game for a while to rest up. A couple
of his teammates assist him to the bench. The Mash players observe
this.
TRAPPER
Well, he's taken care of. Scratch
one hot dog.
190
DUKE
You really think we hurt him that
bad?
TRAPPER
Hell, no, all you did was knock
the wind out of him. But he won't
be playing any more football today.
TIME LAPSE:
126 INT. 325TH EVAC TEAM'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY
It is between the halves and the General's players are resting,
especially the ex-Cleveland tackles, who are stretched out prone.
Gener
fa0
al Hammond and his TRAINER (a medical Corps Captain) are
conecntrating on the ex-Los Angeles halfback, who sits on a table
looking groggy. Henry sticks his head in the door.
TRAINER
(to Ram halfback)
The Trainer has to assist the man, and the moment he lets go of him,
the halfback crumples to the floor.
HENRY
(starting out again)
Sorry. You obviously won't be
wanting any more bets.
GENERAL HAMMOND
The hell we won't! You bastards
pulled something, I don't know
what, but we've been beating you
without him. Ane we'll go on
beating you!
HENRY
You willing to b-back that up
with odds?
GENERAL HAMMOND
Damn right. Three to one, as much
as you want to put up.
TIME LAPSE:
127 EXT. ATHLETIC FIELD, 325TH EVAC HOSPITAL - DAY
The two teams have taken the field again. Hawkeye has switched to
left end, Spearchucker replacing him in the backfield. This time
General Hammond's men are kicking off to Henry's. It's a long kick
but it doesn't go toward the center of the goal line, where
Spearchucker is waiting for it, but to Duke, who runs toward
Spearchucker and tosses him an easy lateral.
The two pro tackles from the Browns run down the field so as to
converge on Spearchucker around the Mash twenty-five. But the other
Mash players divide themselves into equal units of five to do nothing
but take out the two tackles. The other opposing players are no
problem for Spearchucker, who runs around or right through them, and
crosses their goal line for a touchdown. The ball is brought out for
the extra point which Duke scores with a place kick. Before the teams
reassamble for the next kickoff, the captain of the 325th team detours
a few yards toward his bench and calls something to General Hammond,
whose reaction is to stand up and shake his fist in Henry's direction.
On the Mash bench, Radar leans over to Henry.
RADAR
General Hammond, sir, has just
been informed about the identity
of Captain Jones. His ringers
recognized our ringer.
On the field Duke is preparing to kick off.
HAWKEYE
(to Spearchucker)
What's the matter?
SPEARCHUCKER
We may be in trouble, I can't
catch my breath. I've got the
occupational disease of oversized
ex-athletes.
TIME LAPSE:
128 EXT. ATHLETIC FIELD, 325TH EVAC HOSPITAL - DAY
Spearchucker is trying to block or intercept a forward pass, but the
two tackles from Cleveland still have enough strength left to put him
out of action with their combined efforts. They block him so
forcibly, in fact, that he drops to the ground and has some trouble
getting up. The pass is completed and the receiver tackled on the Mash
thirty-five yard line.
SPEARCHUCKER
Timeout!
(to Referee as
latter blows whistle)
How much left?
REFEREE
Minute and twenty-five seconds.
And that's a first down.
Radar comes out to the Mash huddle with his water-bucket and towels.
SPEARCHUCKER
We got to stop them right here.
DUKE
And get ourselves another
touchdown to win.
(looking to
opponents' huddle)
I wish to hell we knew what they
were plotting.
HAWKEYE
(getting an idea)
Radar!
RADAR
All you have to do is ask.
(concentrates on
the huddle twelve
yards away)
The quarterback is saying they'll
run the old Statue of Liberty.
Their left end will come across and
take the ball out of his hand and
try to get around our left end.
SPEARCHUCKER
What else?
RADAR
Everyone's talking at once, but
now the captain is telling them to
shut up. The quarterback says, if
the Statue of Liberty doesn't work,
they'll go into the double wing with
the left halfback taking the handoff
first and then slipping it to the
right half
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back heading to the left.
The Referee blows the whistle and the two teams line up to resume
action. The 325th Evac quarterback drops back as if to pass, his
left end starts to his right, and the whole Mash eleven starts to
their left. Only Ugly John finds himself temporarily buried under
a 265-pound tackle. The other ten men in red meet the enemy left
end after he takes the ball off the
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quarterback's hand, and they
bring him down for a loss. The opposing team goes into another
huddle but their strategy remains as Radar overheard it. When the
left halfback starts to his right, the Mash players start to their
right, and after the right halfback takes over possession and tries
to turn in, he finds himself hopelessly outnumbered. Spearchucker
hits him first with a tackle so fierce it throws him back five yards
and induces him to fumble the ball. A pile of half a dozen Mash
players pounces on it, causing some damage to each other.
SPEARCHUCKER
(to Referee)
Time!
He goes over to the Referee and exchanges a few words with him, then
walks into his team's huddle.
TRAPPER
(to Spearchucker)
You got to be the one. We're all
agreed on that.
SPEARCHUCKER
No, it's too far and we're all
too bushed. I just told the referee
we're going to try something
different. We make the center
eligible by...
VOLLMER
Me? I can't catch a pass.
SPEARCHUCKER
You don't have to. We line up with
everybody to the right of center
except Hawkeye, who drops back a
yard just before the snap. At the
same time Duke moves to the right
side of the line.
(to Vollmer)
That makes you eligible but all you
have to do is take the ball right
back from Trapper between your legs
and hide it under your belly.
Trapper, you make like you got the
ball, fake to me and keep going.
One of the big guys will hit you,
maybe both...
TRAPPER
No! I only got my GI insurance.
SPEARCHUCKER
(to Vollmer)
As soon as that happens, Sergeant,
you start walking, not running to
their goal line. Remember that,
don't run! Come on, we just got
time!
They break out of the huddle and line up as directed, with all the
linemen except Hawkeye on Vollmer's right. Their opponents have
trouble adjusting to this and are even more confused when, just as
Trapper bends down to take the ball from Vollmer, Hawkeye steps
back into the backfield and Duke squeezes into the already crowded
right line. Returning the ball to Vollmer, Trapper turns his back,
fakes a pitchout to Spearchucker, who is racing toward the line,
and continues backward, holding himself as if he still had the ball
and were fading for a long pass. So successfully does he create
this impression that the two tackles from Cleveland, seeing clearly
that Spearchucker hasn't received the ball, descend on Trapper with
their last burst of energy. Two other orange-and-black linemen also
fall on top of him. Meanwhile, Vollmer, holding his arms crossed
under his stomach to further hide the ball, and looking as if her
were suffering from a painful blow beneath the belt, starts walking
down the field at an angle toward his own sideline, making the
opposition think he is heading for the bench to seek relief from his
injury. Spearchucker stops running at about the enemy thirty, looks
back to where Trapper's tacklers are beginning to remove themselves,
but also notes out of the corner of his eye that only the opposing
safety man is anywhere near Vollmer and that he isn't paying much
attention to him.
From the bench a frantic Henry looks indignantly at the sight of his
center and Sergeant Major coming off the field.
HENRY
What's going on? What the hell
are you doing?
He opens his arms enough for Henry to see the pigskin cradled there.
HENRY
Then run for God's sake! Run!
Vollmer begins to run straight toward the goal line, which has the
unfortunate effect of alerting the safety man to what is happening.
He races across the field to cut Vollmer off. Spearchucker starts
into motion at the same instant and gets down there so fast that
just as the safety man is tackling Vollmer in a way that would throw
him out of bounds on the two-yard li
190
ne, Spearchucker hurls himself
against the safety man with a strong and well-aimed block that sends
both men across the goal line.
General Hammond runs onto the field in vehement protest.
GENERAL HAMMOND
Illegal! Illegal!
The Referee, looking at his watch and raising his Army .45 to signal
the end of the game, goes over to meet the General and explain the
sad truth to him.
129
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INT. MASH TEAM'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY
Some of the players are partly undressed but most of them are too
exhausted to begin that process. Trapper is stretched out on a
bench, apparently unconscious. Henry enters triumphantly, waving
a thick stack of paper money.
HENRY
We got it, men...Ho-Jon's keep
as Androscoggin...if there is such
a place. And the big news is, the
General wants a rematch.
TRAPPER
I'll tell you my news. I'm
retiring from football.
DUKE
Me, too. Y'all just seen me play
my last game.
HAWKEYE
Same here. You can retire my
number.
HENRY
Well, there's one big satisfaction.
SPEARCHUCKER
What's that, Henry?
HENRY
I outcoached that General Hammond.
TIME LAPSE:
130 EXT. FRONT OF 4077TH MASH - EVENING
A covered Army truck pulls up with the victorious football team
breaking the normal rule for hospital zones by singing a boisterous
old drinking song. Several of them have bottles in their hands as
they descend to the ground. Hawkeye and Duke are among the first
and the noisiest until they notice Lapham (the new surgeon we saw
the first time during the deluge) standing under the light at the
hospital entrance. There is something in his expression that makes
them break off their singing abruptly. Trapper and Spearchucker,
jumping down after them, react the same way, and their sudden
silence affects the others so that in a matter of seconds the
singing has died out entirely. Hawkeye and Duke run toward the
hospital entrance, Trapper and Spearchucker a little behind them.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
131 INT. AT HO-JON'S BEDSIDE - EVENING
Ho-Jon is unconscious. Lapham holds an X-ray while Trapper scans
it.
TRAPPER
It's a massive one.
The X-ray is passed on to Hawkeye, Duke and Spearchucker in turn.
SPEARCHUCKER
Isn't he awful young...?
TRAPPER
That's the artery we sewed up last
summer. Had to end up smaller,
that much easier for the thrombosis
to occur.
Ho-Jon opens his eyes, slowly reacting to the pressure of all the
doctors.
HAWKEYE
Pain bad, Ho-Jon?
HO-JON
(with considerable
effort)
I - wouldn't - wish - it - on
- a - man-eating - shark.
TRAPPER
(to Lapham)
More demerol.
Lapham goes off to get the medication.
HO-JON
You - must - open - me -
up - again?
DUKE
No, Ho-Jon, we're not going to
open you up.
Duke's words are intentionally ambiguous, and when Ho-Jon looks from
one doctor to another to find the real meaning of them, they all try
not to reveal it. But he knows.
TIME LAPSE:
132 INT. DENTAL CLINIC - DAY
Hawkeye and Trapper are in a stud poker game along with Painless,
Vollmer, Radar, a helicopter pilot and the Norwegian Officer we
saw playing before. There is an entrance to the hospital visible
through a window, and an ambulance is parked outside it.
VOLLMER
Pair of sevens'll say a buck.
The ambulance driver and another soldier come out of the hospital
bearing a shrouded corpse on a stretcher. Hawkeye, choosing not
to call the bet, turns over his cards, stands up restlessly and
sees the body on the stretcher. Trapper, who has a view out the
window from the seat, also sees it, and the effect on him is to
take his attention momentarily from the game.
PAINLESS
Make it two.
The helicopter pilot folds his hand, and it's Trapper's turn to be
next. Radar, who is dealing, waits a moment to see if he has to be
reminded,
RADAR
Two dollars to you, Trapper.
Ho-Jon's body is tossed into the back of the ambulance. Trapper
checks his cards and turns them over.
TRAPPER
Sorry. I'm out.
TIME LAPSE:
133 EXT. MASH COMPOUND - NIGHT
Three months later, a cold winter night with snow on the ground.
Hawkeye, in a heavy sweater, is running toward the
190
brightly lit
hospital.
134 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT
Spearchucker is doing a brain operation with Duke assisting.
Hawkeye comes in excitedly but stops within a few feet of the
operating table because he isn't sterile. He grabs a surgical
mask and holds it in front of his face as he speaks to Duke.
HAWKEYE
Henry's got our orders! We're
going home!
DUKE
When?
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HAWKEYE
Any time. Whenever we want.
DUKE
Be right with you.
SPEARCHUCKER
You mind if we get out of this
guy's brain first?
DUKE
What's there to do? You found
the sliver.
SPEARCHUCKER
There might be another tiny piece
we missed. I want to look around
before we close up.
DUKE
(to Hawkeye, referring
to Spearchucker)
Perfectionist.
He works the retractor he is holding to spread the incision while
Spearchucker probes it.
HAWKEYE
There's no transportation anyway
this time of night.
DUKE
We could steal one of the choppers.
HAWKEYE
I looked. Suspicious bastards
got them all locked up.
TIME LAPSE:
135 EXT. THE SWAMP - DAY
The next day, snow still on the ground. Ugly John is at the wheel
of a Jeep into which Hawkeye and Duke are storing the same Valpacs
and barracks bags they arrived with more than a year before. There
is a small group gathered to say goodbye, including Dago Red,
Lapham and Vollmer, who is Regular Army, but none of the others who
were part of the outfit when they first arrived. When they are all
ready to take off, Hawkeye and Duke go back inside the Swamp.
136 INT. THE SWAMP - DAY
Trapper is drunk and gloomy, Spearchucker in fairly good spirits.
Duke pours small drinks into three glasses and adds some to the
drink Trapper is already holding.
DUKE
Y'all mind the store.
TRAPPER
Four goddam months. And they
don't even give you time off for
good behavior.
HAWKEYE
(shaking hands with
Spearchucker)
See you.
SPEARCHUCKER
It's possible
HAWKEYE
(extending hand to
Trapper)
Hang in there.
TRAPPER
Why don't you for Christ's sake
get the hell out of here?
And that's what they proceed to do.
TIME LAPSE:
137 EXT. JAPANESE SEAPORT DOCK - DAY
A couple of days later. Hawkeye and Duke are inspecting the
troopship on which they will make the long voyage to Seattle.
They have undergone a startling transformation: they have had
shaves and haircuts, and they have abandoned their fatigues
for clean, new-looking uniforms with Eisenhower jackets adorned
with their proper insignia, including a caduceus of the Medical
Corps. There is a lot of activity on board the ship and on the
dock, where a MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT with a notebook accosts
them.
MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
Excuse me, gentlemen, but are
you sailing on the troopship
tomorrow?
DUKE
That's right.
MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
May I have your names, please?
DUKE
Sure, my...
HAWKEYE
(overlapping)
What for?
MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
We need medical officers for short-
arm inspection starting the first
afternoon out.
HAWKEYE
Oh, certainly, Sergeant. My name
is Captain George Limburger, and
this is Captain Walter Camembert.
MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
(writing)
C-A-M-E-M...?
HAWKEYE
B-E-R-T, right. See you tomorrow.
MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
Oh, I'm not sailing with you. I
work out of the hospital here.
He salutes them and goes on his way.
DUKE
(indicating his
shoulder insignia)
I thought we were heading for trouble
putting on all these trinkets.
HAWKEYE
We got to start rehabilitating,
Duke, if we want to be halfway
human by the time we get back to
our wives.
DUKE
But no short-arm inspection. I'm
with you there.
HAWKEYE
Screw it. We been earning our keep
as respectable knife artists. Why
should we do work any pill-rolling
punk could handle?
TIME LAPSE:
138 EXT. HARBOR - DAY
The big troopship is making its way out of the harbor and heading
for open ocean.
139 EXT. TROOPSHIP - DAY
A SECOND MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT walks along the
190
deck at the
officers' end of the ship.
SECOND MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
Captain Limburger! Captain Camembert!
All he gets in response are funny looks and laughter. By the time
he comes near where Hawkeye and Duke are standing, the Sergeant is
beginning to wonder if there is something peculiar about the names
he is calling. For added protection Hawkeye and Duke have replaced
their
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Medical Corps insignia with the simple cross of the
Chaplain's Corps.
SECOND MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
Captain Camembert! Captain
Camembert!
HAWKEYE
Excuse me, Sergeant.
SECOND MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
Yes, Reverend?
HAWKEYE
What do you want with those two
medical officers?
SECOND MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
They're supposed to hold short-
arm inspection.
DUKE
You can't be serious, man.
SECOND MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
Why not?
DUKE
The reason they're being shipped
home is they're the two biggest
fairies in the Far East Command.
HAWKEYE
Be the longest short-arm inspection
you ever held!
SECOND MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
Thanks, Reverend. Thank you both
for tipping me off.
(consulting list)
You don't know a Captain Forrest
or a Captain Pierce, do you?
HAWKEYE
They missed the boat.
SECOND MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
(making a note)
Thanks.
HAWKEYE
Glad to help.
The Segeant goes off in one direction, Duke and Hawkeye in another.
Pretty soon they come across a dice game and stop to watch.
DUKE
This a closed game or you take
anybody's dough?
A couple of the DICE PLAYERS look up and react adversely to the
Chaplain's Corps insignia.
FIRST DICE PLAYER
Well, almost anybody's.
SECOND DICE PLAYER
(apologetically,
to Duke)
Kind of a rough game, Reverend.
DUKE
Hell, man, that don't matter.
We're loaded. We were big wheels
in the black market in Seoul.
HAWKEYE
Plus running the opium concession
for the whole Eighth Army.
These confessions arouse the interest of all the players. One, a
SIGNAL CORPS CAPTAIN, looks at them intently, then smiles.
SIGNAL CORPS CAPTAIN
They're not chaplains at all.
They're doctors from the 4077th Mash.
I had a piece of steel dug out of
my back there.
The player who told them it was a rough game, an infantry captain,
extends his hand to greet them.
SECOND DICE PLAYER
Pleasure to have you. Lot of my
men went through your outfit.
HAWKEYE
Glad to know you. Listen, we're
ducking short-arm inspection but
our cover isn't going to last
long. How would you two boys
like to do us a favor? Be Forrest
and Pierce of the Medical Corps
between here and Seattle.
SIGNAL CORPS CAPTAIN
We wouldn't know how to go about
it.
HAWKEYE
Nothing to it. You just turn a
chair around backwards and rest
your chin on the top. You sit
there with a big cigar in your
mouth and and every now and then,
just to show you're looking, you
say, 'Don't wave it so close to
my cigar, soldier.' That's all
you do. You can't go wrong.
TIME LAPSE:
140 INT. U.S. CIVILIAN AIRLINER - NIGHT
It is March. A STEWARDESS with a stern look appraoches Duke and
Hawkeye. Duke is sucking on a bottle of scotch.
STEWARDESS
I've told you twice to put away
that bottle. Now I'll have to ask
the captain to come back and speak
to you.
HAWKEYE
Never mind your captain, honey.
(takes bottle from
Duke and puts it
away)
I'll take care of mine. Till we
land in Chicago.
TIME LAPSE:
141 INT. MEN'S ROOM - MIDWAY AIRPORT - CHICAGO - NIGHT
The bottle of scotch stands on a shelf over the wash basins. Duke
is combing his hair, Hawkeye shaving.
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE
(over loudspeaker
system)
Flight 616 for Cincinnati,
Knoxville and Atlanta, now
boarding at Gate Five.
Hawkeye reaches for the bottle, hands it to Duke, who takes a sip
and passes it back. Hawkeye kills it and throws it into a trash
can.
DUKE
Let's hear from you, you goddam
Yankee. Be nice to see you some
time.
HAWK
190
EYE
Like the Spearchucker said, that's
possible. Anyway, it's been an
interesting association.
Duke picks up his bags and starts out. Hawkeye resumes shaving.
TIME LAPSE:
142 INT. ATLANTA AIRPORT - DAY
Duke is among the passengers entering the airport from an incoming
flight. He spots his wife and two daughters, now three and one-
and-a-half. He starts eagerl
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y toward them but we never get a
distinct look at them.
TIME LAPSE:
143 EXT. ROCKLAND, MAINE AIRPORT - DAY
Here incoming passengers can be met outside the terminal building.
Hawkeye disembarks from a Northeast Airlines Convair and sees his
wife waiting for him with their sons, aged five and three. The
older one lets go his mother's hand, dashes out to his father and
jumps into his arms.
FIVE-YEAR-OLD
How they goin', Hawkeye?
HAWKEYE
Finest kind.
He looks toward his wife, but we don't see her in clear focus.
FADE OUT
THE END
Found on INFlow Screenplay Repository
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