e18
Men In Black
FADE IN
EXT. DEEP SPACE
We're RUSHING THROUGH THROUGH THE UNIVERSE at what must be thousands of miles per
second. Asteroids, stars and so-called "dark matter" whirl past in a blur. Whose
point of view this is, we don't know. We're just MOVING, quickly, through deep,
wide space, when we CUT TO:
TIGHT SPACE. And we are:
IN THE BACK OF A DARK VAN - TEXAS/MEXICO BORDER - AT NIGHT
CLOSE ON faces. Latinos. Nervous. Huddled in darkness as the van grinds through
muddy terrain. One of them, a child, cries out in Spanish, comforted by his father.
Several others look on as--
THE DRIVER
Anxiously checks his rear view mirror. He's being followed. Then IN FRONT OF HIM -
BEHIND DARK BUSHES
in the middle of the bog are several INS AGENTS, who rise, badges and guns exposed
as the van's headlights cut through the brush and
INT. VAN
The Driver curses in Spanish and the seven would-be illegal immigrants hold each
other as the van lurches to a halt and--
THE INS MEN APPROACH THE DRIVER
Intimidating. They wear sunglasses, even at night. The Driver rolls down his
window. He's a smuggler, a slime, and held sell his mother for beer. But the INS
guys are used to guys like him. Maybe too used to it, cause they don't treat him
very well.
INS LEADER
What you got? Huh? More wetbacks to
take more jobs? Huh, amigo?
DRIVER
No le puedo ayudar, companero.
(subtitled:)
(I can not help you, my friend.)
Using more force than they need to, the INS men yank the Driver out of the van.
INS LEADER
You're gonna b& in this country, you're gonna learn the goddamn language. Mojados
jodidos...
IN THE VAN
The seven hear, but don't see, what's going on, as --
2
JUST OUTSIDE
Quickly and brutally, the INS handcuff the Driver to a somewhat high branch on a
nearby tree. And then-
IN THE BACK OF THE VAN
Bright light spills in as the doors are flung open and the INS Men are standing
there with flashlights.
A MINUTE LATER - OUTSIDE THE VAN
The seven scared illegal aliens are lined up and the INS men are removing handcuffs
as they HEAR ANOTHER CAR approaching and--
AROUND THE HALF-CIRCLE OF INS CARS
Another CAR pulls up and stops. This one just as plain as the others: a boxy,
powder-blue, 1986 Ford LTD. And out of it, backlighting the headlights of the
other INS cars, step:
TWO MEN
Who clearly have been on a long chase. One of them is middle-aged, and his wizened,
weathered demeanor carries with it the baggage of many years of many other long
chases. This is KAY.
The other man is older, and, whereas Kay is the apotheosis of world weary, this man,
DEE, is just simply weary.
Lead by Kay, the two step to the center and speak to the Leader.
KAY
We'll take it from here.
INS LEADER
What? Who the hell are you?
KAY
INS, Washington. Special services.
Kay and Dee show the Leader some form of ID. - Whatever it says, it sure seems to
impress him. Cause he just nods and backs away.
INS LEADER
Yes, air. Welcome to Texas, air.
The Leader signals, and they all move back, watching as Kay approaches the row of
nervous immigrants. When he reaches them, h slowly and deliberately studies each
and every one of their faces.
KAY
Which do you have your money on, Dee7
DEE
I'd go with number three.
3
RAY
Three, huh? Really? Cause a cup of coffee says we're talking about... number...
four? Huh? No?
Kay stops at the fourth. Stares closely. Then moves on. Then comes back. Looks
him in the eye. (Subtitles are bolded.
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)
KAY
Carnet, compadre.
See some ID?
The Fourth Man in line just stands there.
KAY
I said: I want to see some ID.
The Fourth Man nods, hands Kay some papers. Kay looks at them
KAY
(in Spanish, subtitled:)
"Jose Garcia?!! Really? Well Jose, this is odd. Cause it says you've lived in
Oaxaca for thirty one years... yet, you have no idea what I'm saying, do you?
"Jose" remains motionless, unco
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mprehending.
KAY
(in Spanish)
Cause you don't speak a lick of
Spanish. Do you?
Kay motions to the other 6 would-be immigrants.
,KAY
Vayanse.
You others, go on.
INS LEADER
Sir--
KAY
Pasen al-furgon v larguense de aqui!
Take the van and go.
INS LEADER
Sir, you can't just--
KAY
DON'T "SIR* ME-- YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO
YOU'RE DEALING WITH.
Silence in the woods.
4
KAY
(to Dee)
Run a 6-lli. And grab me a B-140.
Dee nods. Starts back to the car as the confused but thankful Mexicans rush into
the van, and Kay turns, calmly, back to the now trembling "Jose." The van lurches
into the night. The INS guys watch, eyes wide. The Van Driver, too, as Kay
circles Jose, looking him over closely.
KAY
You disappoint me, Jose. Leaving your country like that. Putting all those poor
people in danger. I mean... It is Jose, isn't it? Or is it...
Kay suddenly removes a KNIFE. Places it near Jose's belly.
And which fall to the ground, revealing that Jose's clothes, skin and head were
just hiding who Jose really is.
A GREEN, SCALY, 6-ARMED SPACE ALIEN
Who unfolds-- that is, he was actually bent over to fit in his skin/clothes
camoflauge outfit-- and stands to his full height: about eight skinny, scaly feet.
The only part of his camoflauge not crumpled on the ground is the humanesque head,
which he still lamely holds in one of his six hands. It's propped up by a stick--
like a puppet would be-- and continues to make expressions as he holds it.
KAY
... Mikey?? Well well well. It is, isn't it? Now... didn't we agree you're not
leaving Nazca till you erased all the lines in the sand? Alright. Why don't you
hand me your head and put your arms up.
Mikey gives Kay his "head." Kay looks at it, nods, actually somewhat impressed,
then tosses it into the dirt. The INS guys don't know what to stare at; the alien,
or the head, which continues to make expressions in the dirt.
The Van Driver faints, still handcuffed to the tree.
KAY
Now I want you to talk to me, Mikey. Why'd you bum the ride? Where were you going?
The Alien speaks in a blend of syllables that sounds like a record being played
backwards. Kay pulls out a pocket translator-- like English/French computer that
happens to house million languages.
As he speaks, a small speaker biceps the translation, allowing Mikey to understand.
(Again, titles are bold.)
MIKEY
Nowhere.
KAY
Nowhere, huh? odd you'd get all dressed up like that just to be going nowhere.
Mikey shifts. Hems and haws. Like a two-bit criminal who knows he's been caught.
MIKEY
Er. well, nowhere special.
KAY
I don't believe you, Mikey. And you know why I don't believe you? Cause last time
you said that you and your pals left eight dozen empty beer cans on the other side
of the moon.
MIKEY
Yeah, wall, you know, I was just going there... to pick then up.
Dee returns. Nods "okay." Kay nods back, keeps pressing Mikey.
KAY
Oh yeah? Well if you're suddenly such a good samaritan, why didn't you file a
departure report, like you're supposed to? You know how many rules you've just
broken?
MIKEY
I dunno. One?
KAY
Try seven. From unauthorized mobilization to appearing unconcealed before a
resident. You wanna tell me what's going on? Huh?
MIKEY
It's... coming.
KAY
What are you talking about, it's
coming? What's coming?
But scared Mikey just shakes his head. And starts inching away..
.6
YAY
Mikey. Hold it, Mikey-- I want you to talk to me. Mikey. I'm telling you.. don't
make me... Mikey
(turns to Dee)
Gimme the 140.
DEE
(eyes widening)
Oh. Shit. it's in the car--
KAY
What? I thought you just--
Mikey now BREAKS AWAY and runs right toward the INS Agents, who-- as soon as they
register what's happening-- back away in fear--
INS AGENTS
No. Oh God. Noo.
Mikey's mouth opens really wide. And as Mikey's JUST ABOUT TO EAT THE INS LEADER--
KAY -
Oh, Mikey...
Kay FIRES and--
The INS LEADER recoils in a fetal ball of screaming terror as WHAT'S LEFT OF MIKEY
just lands and splats all over him
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, as though someone just dumped a bucket of
alienesque goo...
Kay looks the INS Guy, still screaming in terror. Shakes his head.. and we CUT TO:
EXT. WOODS - A MOMENT LATER
More trucks, van, cars are on the scene. The only demarkation of any note are the
words "Special Services" on some of them.
There's a CREW of people wearing dark coveralls doing some sort of "clean-up"
operation. We see
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some tearing away of foliage and some FIRES being carefully set
and extinguished.
Kay, still frustrated, walks through the center, shout a few passing orders--
KAY
Little more burn on the perimeter-they weren't roasting smores here. Dig out this
hole a little. Cmon, I know it's late, but the sooner we get it right, the sooner
we'll all be home.
7
DEE
(Approaches)
Kay, I'm sorry...
KAY
Don't worry about it. Four-Eyes'll run a track on him. We'll get that son of a...
whatever the hell he's the son of.
And he keeps walking toward the most pressing of the tasks at hand:
The INS Men and the Van Driver, who are standing in a clump just on the outskirts
of the scene, excited by what they just witnessed. The INS Leader's just finishing
cleaning himself off with a towel.
INS LEADER
I gotta tell Beef, he's gonna freak.
OTHER INS GUY
Beef. And Charlie! And Jim!
Wait'll we tell Jim!
KAY
(approaching)
Okay, I need your attention.
STILL OTHER INS GUY
Shit I wish I had my Video camera--
KAY
I need your attention.
They shut up. Turn to Kay, who holds a sleek, tubular metallic device the size of
a toothbrush holder. At one end is a small dual probe-- like that through which a
current could be conducted. hlsc on the front is an infra Aed eye. On the side is
a numbered dial.
KAY
This is a neurelyser. it was a gift from some friends from out of town. I need you
to look at it. This red eye here isolates and measures the nature of the
electronic impulses currently in your brain. More specifically, the ones -for
memory, which it will then bloc)c.
(as the Leader's eyes wander
toward Kay's crew)
I said I need you to o
INS LEADER
Why? What are you gonna do?
KAY
ActU&IlYt that's a very good question. The answer-- if You'll Just look at this
Part-- is here.
He points to the tip, and obscures it Just a little, causing the He to -actually
have to look closer in order to see it. And they do.
OTHER INS GUY
Who... A= you? Really?
KAY
Really? I'm just a figment of your
imagination.
And that's when Kay closes his eyes as a rapid series of electronic pulses shoots
between the two prongs of the probe at the end of tht neuralyser. He throws on a
pair of government-issue wire-rimmed sunglasses, and opens his eyes.
When he does, all the INS Men and the Van Driver are sitting, silent, eyes wide,
just staring at the flashing pulses.
KAY.
God, we're a stupid breed.
Kay waits as a timer on the side quickly winds down from 30 minute to 0. The pulses
stop and INS Guys and The Driver all open their eyes. They look like they've just
awoken from a concussion.
Kay pockets the neuralyser and speaks to the Men as they "come to.
KAY
You men are lucky. It's rare so many
can survive such a blast.
The men look around, baffled and confused.
INS LEADER
Blast? What are you talking about?
Kay indicates the surrounding area, which his crew has manipulates
to look like an explosion had recently gone off.
KAY
Underground gas vein. Next time, be more careful when you shoot off your guns.
INS LEADER
What?
KAY
You heard me.
(pointing at the loeader)
X2U, especially.
9
Key leaves the absolutely baffled INS Non, who, though confused, &I-
turn and blame the Leader, who nervously shrugs and denies whatever
it is he can't remember he may have done. Doe appears again.
DEE
Kay, listen, I dunno what got into--
KAY
Don't worry about it. It's been a long night. Speaking of which-- you owe me a
cup of coffee, remember?
Dee looks at Kay, whole able to muster some not ungenuine empathy.
Dee nods. Smiles. And we CUT TO:
EXT. 7/11 - LATER THAT NIGHT
The plain, urunarked, powder-blue LTD parks outside the convenience store as and
Kay and Dee get out, mid-conversation.
DEE
... 'member thdt? How many pink-heads were there that night? 14? 15?
Right in the New York Subway.
Remember how scared you were?
KAY
1 wasn't scared...
DEE
Oh yeah? The hell you weren't.
Little pisher just out of school...
They reach the door. Kay pulls it open. H
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olds it for Dee.
KAY
Grab the coffee, will ya? I told Zed
I'd give him a buzz.
DEE
Listen-- do me a favor-- don't
mention the 140 thing--
KAY
Don't worry about it.
Dee nods and heads inside. Kay pulls a special 2-way radio from inside his coat.
Hits a button.
ELDERLY VOICE ON RADIO (ZED)
Kay? How'd it go?
KAY
W* lost Mikey.
10
ZED
How a De*?
@y
(watching Doe in store)
Fine. Good.
ZED
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IS VOICE
(a knowing pause)
How long have you been covering for
him, Kay?
Another pause. Kay continues to watch Dee through the glass. The coffee ripples
from the slight unsteadiness in Deals stride.
KAY
I dunno... half a year, year,
maybe...
Though Zed doesn't see Kay, he knows him well enough to sense what Kay may be
feeling.
ZEDIS VOICE
Hey, it's alright. He brought you in, nobody expects you to be objective.
Through the glass, we see Dee paying at the counter.
KAY
So... now what? Cattle call again?
ZEDIS VOICE
We've got about eight or nine
prospects I want you look--
KAY
Yeah, I'll talk to you.
He hangs up because Dee is backing the door open and turning with the coffee. Dee
hands Kay is cup. Looks around.
DEE
Helluva night, isn't it?
KAY
Yup. Sure is.
Kay looks at Dee, then looks up, into the darkness, and we CUT TO:
EXT. DEEP IN THE UNIVERSE The POV SHOT -- again. RUSHING THROUGH THE DARKNESS.
Zooming through space. Heading somewhere. We begin to see the tip of a galaxy
coming into view, way, way, way off in the distance. I it 2=--galaxy? We don't
know. And we CUT TO:
INT. SMALL APARTMENT - DAY
A handsome, just shaved-and-showered YOUNG KAN finishes tying his tie before a
mirror. It's clear this is the beginning of a big day
YOUNG MAN
Yes, sir, Mr. President. May I get
that door for you, Mr. President?
(throwing on suit jacket) What's that, air? Oh, a bullet? Hang on-- please, allow
me to dive in front of it for you. oh... you're welcome, Mr. President.
He finishes buttoning the jacket. Stands straight. Looks sharp.
YOUNG MAN
What's that, air? My name? James D.
Cowan the Thiid. Sir.
And he salutes. And we HEAR APPLAUSE, and we CUT TO:
EXT. U.S. SECRET SERVICE ACADEMY - GRADUATION HALL - DAY
Cars pull up and proud parents get out with their finely-dressed sons and daughters.
Everyone is in little groups; friends, family. Except--
COWAN
Who walks, alone, toward the hall. He glances around at the acade, grounds. Proud.
Takes a camera out of his bag. Holds his arm ouTakes his own photo with it. We
HEAR APPLAUSE and CUT TO,.
U.S. SECRET SERVICE ACADEMY GRADUATION - A LITTLE WHILE LHTER
Amid the pomp and ceremony and the flags and the PACKED CROWD and the HUNDREDS OF
GRADUATING CADETS sits.-..
GRADUATING CADET JAMES D. COWAN III
As he listens while cadets stand afid shimmy up toward the front podium as their
names are being called off by:
CADET CLASS SUPERVISOR AMERY WALIACE
Who addresses the gathered crowd of sharply dressed graduates and their proud
parents and friends.
WALLACE (AIIPLIFIED OVER P.A. SYSTEM)
Leo Beckerman... Mar)FCendrowski...
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ANGLE ON COWARIS ROW
As graduating Cadet lAo Beckerman starts down the raw, followed a moment later by
Cadet Mark Candrowski. Each shimmies past:
COWAN
As he waits eagerly for his name to be called. They're only one away now...
WALLACE (CONTINUING)
Zander Collier...
Collier gets up. Cowan's next. He prepares to stand.
WALLACE (CONTINUING)
Mark DeBonis...
The cadet 2D =g other @ of Cowan get% up.
Cowan is confused. Did they forget? He looks around. Confusion shifts to terror
as... the next oU goes. Then the next guy...
WALLACE (CONTINUING)
Stuart Donerkiel... Daniel Dvorsky...
CL40SER - COWAN
it's like a terrible dream. only, he's wide, wide awake. And he's the @ 2= sitting
in his now-empty row. As he looks around, confused and scared, we CUT TO:
EXT. CEREMONY GROUNDS - A LITTLE WHILE LATER
Photos, fun. Everyone's relaxed, having a good time. Except--
COWAN
who rushes to Cadet Class Supervisor Wallace, who is breaking away from posing for
a photo with some cadets. Wallace is a popular photo op, and he's pursued by many
cadets.
COWAN
Sir! Agent Wallace, air!
We get the feeling that Agent Wallace isn't all that disappointed t be breaking
this news to Cowan, who follows behind him as he walks.
WALLACE
Sorry, Cowan, I found out literally just before the ceremony.' Apparently you're to
report for
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further review.
COWAN
Further... what are you talking about, air? That makes no sense-- I hold three
cadet class records--
WALLACE
Actually, it didn't come from me.
13
Wallace stop&. 'Smiles for a photo with a couple of cadets. Cowan doesn't bother
to bother about the fact that he's in the photo. He's clearly frustrated, and,
like a bronco in a stall, he's findinc it hard to keep from burs
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ting out.
COWAN
Bull... loney- Sir.
(off Wallace's look)
I'm sorry. Sir, I'm sorry. Sir.
(as Wallace resumes walking)
I just, I find it hard to believe that it didn't come from you. I mean, everything
here comes from you.
WALIACE
Well this didn't.
COWAN
Then where did it-- ? Sir. Forgive
me, but it makes no sense.
worked my M off to grad--
Wallace, reaching the end of the grass (and the end of his rope),
turns to Cowan. WALLACE
Look. don't I could
guess, however. Maybe it's your
attitude. Or that you're not even close to a team player. Or that you always seen
to think you know more than your supervisors.
COWAN
Actually, sir--
WALLhc4
Cowan. Do you ever think that maybe, just maybe, other people might be right and
you might be wrong?
COWAN
All the time, sir.
WALLACE
You do?
COWAN
Yes, air. But I'm usually wrong.
Sir.
Wallace looks at him. Even if he could try and understand, Wallac( just shakes his
head and walks away. It's out of his hands, anywa:
Cowan is left standing there, watching his supervisor walk away in front of him
while his classmates celebrate behind him. CLT TO:
14
EXT. WASHINGTON D. C. STREETS IDAY
A taxi pulls away and Cowan stands with the now-openod envelope and a piece-,of
paper in his hand. He looks at an address on the paper, then looks up, puzzled, at
the building in front of his. It says: UNITED STATES IMMIGRATION AND
NATURKLIZATION SERVICE.
INT. LOBBY - INS BUILDING
Cowan speaks to a RECEPTIONIST.
COWAN
I think some computer screwed up or
something, cause--
VOICE
(echoing across lobby)
You're in the right place.
Cowan turns. Standing across the lobby is ZED. He's a career GMan. An old school
bureaucrat. or, at least, that's how he appear: on first glance. And we CUT TO:
WALKING THE LABRYTHINE CORRIDORS OF THE INS BUILDING
Cowan walks alongside Zed. They pass hallway after hallway of government offices,
heading into the remote bowels of the building. Rather than get fancier,
everything gets more and more plain.
We sense from Cowan's attitude that he's trying hard to be positive
COWAN
... think that maybe my supervisors referred me here because of certain
issues which I assure you I have spent a good deal of time working very hard to
correct--
ZED
Your supervisors have no idea why
you're here.
COWAN
They don't?
ZED
They don't. Now, son. If you get the job, you're going to be working working with
some very particular people who like to do things in some very particular ways.
Here's a little piece of advice:
(referring to Cowan's mouth)
Don't use this so much.
15
He reaches and opens a door which is very plainly marked "US INS, Special Services,
" and enters, leaving Cowan outside the door to hesitates beat before asking:
COWAN
Excuse me. U I get w= job?
CUT TO: 7 OF THE HOTTEST YOUNG RECRUITS IN THE COUNTRY
Sitting at metal desks in a room SO PIAIN it could be anywhere. Just 7 PEOPLE
(including Cowan), all ears, all somewhat confused, all listening intently as Zed
sits before them, on a folding chair.
ZED
You're here cause you're the best of the best. FBI, CIA, Secret Service, Navy
SEALS, Marines, Air Force, Army. And we're looking for the @ of the best of the
best. What will follow is a series of simple tests designed to quantify motor
skills, hand-eye coordination, concentration and focus, stamina... I see we have a
question.
Cowan's hand is, indeed, up.
COWAN
Why, uh... I'm sorry, cause no one really asked this but... why, exactly, are we
doing this?
There's a slight beat of silence. Then one of the young recruits eagerly raises
his hand. Zed calls on him.
ZED
Son?
EAGER YOUNG RECRUIT
(loud and formal)
Jake Jensen, FBI Academy, graduate with honors. We're looking for the best of the
best of the best, air!
Cowan laughs. Tries to stifle it. But can't.
ZED
What's so funny, cadet Cowan?
COWAN
I... I don't know, air. This guy. *Best of the best ... " I don't know.
(realizing nobody in with
him on this)
It's just stil
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l find it a little...
(more)
16
COWAN (CONT$D)
(totally serious)
humorous. I'm sorry. Sir.
Short pause. The Zed continues.
ZED
... Okay, then. The test. Standard stuff-- written, oral, physical. Just do your
best. Dave?
A clipboard-carrying, nondescript OFFICE FUNCTIONARY-TYPE, DAVE, holds the exit
door open.
DAVE
Follow me, please.
INT. TESTING ROOM - A SHORT WHILE LATER
SERIES OF SHO
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TS - THE WRITTEN TESTW
It's a thick document-- reasoning skills, general knowledge, diagrams; like an SAT.
People seem to be really powering through it, filling things in left and right,
filling in answer after answer. Some are almost done.
Cowan, on the other hand, is really struggling.
CL4DSE ON HIS TEST
He's only filled in a portion of the answers, and, in some places, he's left entire
pages blank. Then, on one particular question (th one he is working an right now),
he's been writing and writing and writing-- down the page, up the side, around the
back. He checks someone elsels page-- they answered it in three words.
THE CLOCK ticks away. The last two Recruits finish, closing their booklets proudly.
This makes--
COWAN
Even more nervous. He looks at his test: he's answered less than 20% of the
questions.
He sees a FACE OBSCURED BEHIND GLKSS, staring, unemotional. Then that face
disappears and the door opens and KAY enters the room.
And just walks up to him and takes the test away. And we CUT TO:
INT. SMALL EXAMINING ROOM - A MO LATER
MORE QUICK SHOTS
As one recruit after another says a variation on the same thing:
FBI RECRUIT
No, air. None at all.
TO:
CIA RECRUIT
Non*, sir.
CUT TO:
MARINE RECRUIT
None.
CUT TO:
NAVY SEAL RECRUIT
Not at all. Never.
AND THEN CUT TO:
COWAN
... Uh... could you repeat the question, sir?
REVERSE ANGLE
Zed sits across a desk from him. He holds a PORTFOLIO in his hand.
ZED
The question was... do you now-- or have you ever-- experienced self doubts,
insecurities, or anxieties which make it difficult for you to function in a normal
routine?
COWAN
Well... you know, when you say
"normal," what, exactly...
ZED
For instance...
(reads from the portfolio)
It says here you lost your parents at
15, and, since then...
COWAN
Sir. I thought those records were
sealed.
ZED
(as if to say "you should
know better")
We're the government, Cowan.
Cowan pauses. Nods. Then just hangs his head. And we CUT TO:
A SHOOTING GALLERY
in line behind a barricade are the 7 recruits-to-be, all standing with_a-@apon.
Dave speaks to the group.
DAVE
When I pull the curtain, the enemy
will make itself known. You are allowed 2na shot. Use it wisely. Ready?
All 7 nod yes. Cowan takes a breath. Dave pulls a curtain...
DAVE
... quickly revealing:
THE TARGETS
which are an amazing array of colors, lights and movement-- a holographic swirl of
alienesque SHAPES and CHARACTERS unlike anything we've seen. In less than 2
seconds over 25 figures move simultaneously. Humans. Aliens. In, out, in circles.
..
And... also within 2 seconds: SIX SHOTS are fired at once. And then, only an
eighth of a second later, A SEWWM SHOT is fired.
And everyone sort of looks at Cowan, who puts his gun down last.
There's an awkward silence. Then the door opens. Light pours in. And through the
light comes Kay.
Even the highly competetive cadets can't help but feel some sympa@. as Kay walks
straight to Cowan, who lowers his eyes.
KAY
The hell happened?
COWAN
Hesitated, sir.
KAY
I'm not talking about that. I'm
talking about your choice of targets.
Kay motions to the gallery. Most prevalent in the frozen tableau creatures is a
LUNGING, SNARLING BEKST, which is about to attack a MAN WITH A BRIEFCASE. There
are six bullet holes in its chest.
Kay then motions to the back corner of the gallery, where there is ONE bullet hole
in AN EIGHT YEAR OLD GIRL carrying school books.
KAY
You shot an eight year old girl.
COWAN
Uh... yes. Apparently I did, air.
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KAY
The hall were you thinking?
COWAN
Well, I dunno. I mean, when you looked at all the other options... it just seemed
sorta obvious.
KAY
Obvious? Why don't you and I have a little talk about the obvious... outside.
Kay indicates the door. The door which Zed now holds open.
Sideways glances dart from the other recruits as a sheepish Cowan ii lead to the
door by Kay.
KAY
First of all I it's obvious to me that you don't belong in this group o
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f highly
trained men and women...
Zed enters, and as Cowan-is led out, he hears Zed, behind him, speaking to the
others:
ZED
You're everything we've come to expect from the finest of our nation's finest.
What do you say we move on?
IN THE INS OFFICE - CONTINUING
Cowan follows Kay toward &,,door marked "EXIT."
COWAN
Sir, before you@boot me, I just want to explain. I mean, okay, you got a goat-g
fa0
uy
with a hook for a head...
KAY
Cowan--
COWAN
Wait. Uh-- sir. Please. Anyway. Hook-head-cjuy. I'm thinking "how can he think
with a hook for a head?" Answer: that's not his head. Then I think--
KAY
Cowan--
20
COWAN
of course not, cause his head is that thing way on the other side of the road,
cause, if you looked at it, the entire sidewalk full of stuff was actually ONE GUY
and--
KAY
Cowan-- will you shut your coddanned
mouth?
Pause. Cowan's silent. Then he quickly says:
COWAN
Anyway-the-girls-books-were-way-too
advanced-for-an-eiqht-year-old-and
she-was-the-only-one-who-appeared-to
have-a-motive.
Another pause. Kay looks at him. Then rolls his eyes and walks away. Cowan
pursues.
COWAN
What?
IN THE BACKGROUND,
Through a window, we see the 6 other recruits, in another room, lined against a
wall. Zed pulls out a neuralyser.
BACK WITH COWAN AND KAY - UNDER THE "EXIT" SIGN
COWAN
Look, air, I'm sorry. I realize you've made your decision. but I really wanted
this job.
KAY
You don't even know what it is yet.
COWAN
Yes. That's true. Actually, at this point, I just want A job. Wait. What do you
mean... yet?
KAY
(turns)
It means I know you think you got a beat on things. But trust me, you don't. You
don't even have an inkling of a hint of a cltie as to what's really going on in the
world.
(as Cowan tries to speak)
And if you want to find out even a
little, you'll shut up and come with
me. And if you don't, fine. Go with
them. (more)
21
(re thKAY (Cowxmm)
a other recruits with
Zed in the background)
Cause I'm not interested in breaking in another little hot-xhot only to have him
wig or die on me just when I;m starting to count on him. So f rgive me if you
don't exactly hear me ringing little bells and whistling welcome aboard, but this
isn't the Love Boat. And I'm not Captain Fucking Stubing. Now I'm sorry. But
this has been one long, bad day.
In the background, we see a FLASH. Then Zed ushers the other recruits toward a
distant door. Cowan turns back to Kay.
COWAN
So... this door. It's... not an
exit... ?
KAY
it's not even a fucking
Cowan looks at Kay. Looks around the room. Looks back at Kay...
who then reaches to a spot on the wall next to the door, and PULIS THE WALL OPEN.
Cowan hesitates... then steps inside.
And is suddenly face to face with a large, big-eyed, big-mouthed PURPLE CREATURE
carrying office supplies, who turns and says--
LARGE PURPLE CREATURE
Welcome.
--before moving out of the way and revealing:
A HUGE, AMAZINGLY HIGH-TECH, 10000 SQUARE FOOT OFFICE
sleek, clean, and so simple it's scary; with small titanium keypads on clean white
desks, as if the "brains" are all on (very large) chips stored behind the (very
clean) walls. There's also a nearby STORAGE AREA -- with CONFISCATED WEAPONS, ODD
VEHICLES, ARTIFACTS.
About two dozen HUMAN EMPLOYEES go-about their business-- filing, typing, tracking..
. There's a casual, matter-of-fact, typical office feel to the place.
The humans are joined by another dozen ALIEN EMPLOYEES of all sizes colors, and
gravitational predilections. There's a Ogofer"-- an officious rodenty human-like
assistant who literally runs around 2D @ ceilina. one apparent "secretary" consists
of SEVEN KULTI-SIZE HOVERING SPHERES which busy themselves at a cubicle.
22
COWAN
Holy shit.
Cowan crosses @ a table by the storage area on which the "gofer" has just placed
several odd-shaped little rings.
KAY
Listen, I wouldn't...
Cowan picks one up-- and is suddenly YANKED like a hooked fish UP T( THE CEILING,
where he spins like a deflating balloon and then drops with a thud to the floor.
Using tongs, Ray takes it.
KAY (CONTINUING)
...touch that.
CT)WAN
What the hell...
KAY
Kids' game a couple galay4es over.
COWAN
I guess I lost:
KAY
You got smeared.
Suddenly Zed appears above Cowan. Offers a hand. Helps him up.
ZED
You're a goddamn fruitcake of an oddball. You're incredibly raw. You're not even
all that bright-except in odd
190
pockets. But fortunately for us, those are the
pockets we're looking for. So whattya say? Shall we show you around?
CLTT TO: THE UNIV'ERSE
Planets suspended in dark orbit. Distant star&...
ZED (O.S.)
The universe. We're here,.
Suddenly ZED WALKS INTO FRAME... followed by Cowan and Kay.
They are walking through a 3-D HOLOGRAPHIC MODEL OF THE UNIVERSE, with lighted red
dots all over it (re
fa0
presenting aliens' locations)
23
ZED (CONTINUING)
Around World War Two, a few of us talked the administration into chartering a
branch of the INS to look after aliens. Everyone thought we were nuts. Except the
aliens.
They stop at--
THE OFFICE "WATERING HOLE' - CONTINUOUS
There are all sorts of odd employee-oriented APPLIANCES (imagine if @ps had a
factory on Venus). Zed pours coffee. As Zed walks Cowan through, Kay moves in and
out of the conversation; mostly he,: busy signing papers, okaying things assistants
are showing him, etc
ZED (CONTINUING)
They contacted us, told us we could have a trial run. We made a deal-they give us
information, technology, we'll let them use the planet. One rule-- they insist
upon it from us, and we insist upon it from them: no one must know.
During the above, the "gopher" stops for coffee. Though his feet are on the
ceiling, his head is at exactly the same level as theirs-- it's just upside down.
He's not noticed except by darting glances from Cowan as he mixes creme, sugar, and
some fluorescent orange substance into it,,then heads back to work.
ZED
So at any given time we could have four, five hundred of em hanging around. We
have exiled kings, vagrants, truckers, vacationers, creatures aid-migration. Most
are decent folks, just minding their business. our job is to keep an eye on am.
Cowan darts one more glance at the HOLOGRAPHIC UNIVERSE as Zed hant him his coffee
and they come upon:
AN P.LIEN CREATURE - "FOUR HUNDRED FORTY-FOUR EYES"
Sitting at a desk before a wall which houses hundreds of TINY VIDEC SURVEILLANCE
SCREENS.
And this bony, grey creature has AN EYE FOCUSED ON @ SCREEN. They jut from a pinny
head like a wildly overgrown shock of hair. 444-Eyes controls each image by the
very rapid movements of three thin fingers on a simple keypad.
WIDER SHOT - CONTINUOUS
The three men step up behind 444-Eyes, conversation continuing.
.6
24
ZED
With the help of Sector 7
occulo gicals like 444 -Eyes her*. 4Eyes for short.
Though most all of 444-Eyes' eyes are on the hundreds of screens,-a dozen or so
eyes hook around and scope Cowan out.
ZED
You got over ten eyes... I think she
likes you.
444-Eyes' eyes return to the screen, and she patters away. The screens UNIFY and
we see LIVE IMAGES of things that-are going on as we speak. We should get the
notion that ALIENS WHO I= AL17H are in spots where they can't be seen. ALIENS WHO
LOOK HUMAN are functioning right out in public.
Some of the aliens we see are: An ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN-TYPE ALIEN in a cave. A TROLL-
LIKE ALIEN under a bridge. A HUMAN-LOOKING ALIEN in a LAUNDROMAT (one of those
people you see doing odd laundry at odd hours). A HUMAN-LOOKING ALIEN (selling
make-up at Penney's).
BIGFOOT. The LOCH NESS MONSTER. All this is flashing by during:
ZED
In order to land here, you have to be a signatory of the treaty. And the rules are
simple: remain unseen, or blend in. Mistakes have cost us dearly.
(re screen)
Roswell, 1947. Stonehenge. The
Pyramids. Crop circles. Lines of
Nazca--
(to Kay, whols off unloading
a couple weapons)
That reminds me, I gotta bring Ella
down from Anchorage.
(back to the screen)
Bigfoot. He leaves 2n& footprint, once, it's been a crew in our side ever since.
It's why we had to start those damn tabloid rags. lets the pressure out a little,
gives them a way to communicate with each other.
Cowan looks at a typical "National 'Enquirer',-type paper. Headline "Man as Fat as
own House." Kay sets a couple weapons on a desk.
KAY
We have one motto: Peace on Earth.
COWAN
And Goodwill Toward Man?
25
KAY
No. just peace on Earth.
COWAN
I gotta be honest about something.
ZED
You think we're nuts.
COWAN
No-- it makes sense. Cause I gotta tell ya, when I was in third grade they told me
I was crazy cause I swore that our teacher was from, like, Venus or something.
ZED
Mrs. Edelson?
Cowan, stunned, looks at Zed as 4-Eyes boots her onto the screen: Mean face, cat
glasses. Bony fingers. Extrem
190
ely well hidden tail.
xhy
Jupiter, actually. well, one of the
moons.
ZED
So whattya say, kid? You in or out?
Cowan looks around. The staff. The equipment.
COWAN
Once I thought the biggest thing I'll
ever do was guard the president.
KAY
oh, you'll stilk,.be guarding him.
ZED
Only the damn guy won't know it.
COWAN
What happens if I say no?
KAY
It's easy. You work your way up the secret ser
fa0
vice, one day stand with the
President, meet the most important people on the planet, fulfill your dreams, live
happily ever after.
COWAN
And if I say yes?
26
xhy
Lose your name and identity, work endless hours an behalf people who don't know you
exist, and abandon any hope that you might one day feel even the slightest bit sure
of your place in the universe.
Cowan looks around one more time. By now everyone in the office ha. gathered
behind Zed and Kay and are waiting for Cowan'& answer.
Cowan looks at them. Looks back at Zed and Kay... and nods.
COWAN
Sir. I've never had a clue as to
where I fit in anyway...
The staff then jumps to work. Several ASSISTANTS immediately arriv with things
they hand to Kay and Zed.
ZED
From now on, you'll respond only to the name "Jay." You'll dress in appropriate
attire specially sanctioned by the INS Special Services. You're not to stand out
in any way. Understand?
Yes, air. COWAN
Zed hands Cowan a thick booklet. A few other items.
ZED
Read this. Come to work tomorrow.
We'll see you then.
Cowan looks around. one last time. And we CUT TO:
EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - GEORGETOWN - NIGHT
Cowan, carrying his Men in Black information in a sack, walks through the dense
Friday night crowd on M street. He walks slowly Taking in the world...
He is surrounded by a swirl of humanity. CUT TO:
INT. ZEDIS OFFICE - SAME
CLOSE ON COMPUTER SCREEN-- we see Cowan's birth certificate, driver's licence,
social security card, library card... everything
ZED AND DAVE
are operating a computer.
27
oil THE Co SCREEN
Is the full name-- JAM DARRYL COWAN 111. Than Zsd Punches A couple of keys, and
the cursor begins to sweep from right to left, beginning to eliminating the right-
most letters of Cowan'$ name...
ZED
Well... it looks like James D. Cowan
the Third...
EX.T GEORGETOWN STREET - SAME
Cowan wanders toward a COFFEE HOUSE called "NITE OWL." Sits at an outside table
amidst the throngs of Goorgetown's M Street. He pull a pile of US INS Special
Services information from his bag.
AT THE OFFICE - SAME
CLOSE ON COPUTER SCREEN
It says "JAMES "JAM
ZED (CONTINUES) ... is no longer with us.
And then, finally, all that's left on the screen is the letter "J., Zed punches
"save." And we CUT BACK TO:
EXT. NITEOWL COFFEE HOUSE - GEORGETOWN - N STREET - NIGHT - SAME
Cowan-- or, rather, JAY-- looks at a leather-bound book entitled "Active on Earth."
He opens it.
It's monogrammed, simply, with the letter J.
Jay looks through the book. He sees STRANGE PHOTOS OF KUENS, ale@ with descriptive
information. Next to the aliens' photos are thei: CORRESPONDING HUMAN IDENTITIES.
And more information. He looks aa few. Then looks up. All around him, the people
swarm and move.
And, oddly, everything seems to have a deeper perspective.
Jay looks closely at the world around him. Could any of these people be aliens?
Could it be...
... The BAG LADY? The EXCEEDINGLY FRIENDLY FRAT BOY? The GOATEEI) TATTOOEDT BODY-
PIERCED 90'S GUY? -The improbably-dressed EUROPEAN
TOURIST? The GOOFY GEEK?
A CUTE WAITRESS sets down a cappucino. Hands him his approved credit card receipts
Jay looks at it, then looks at his "Carte Noire" and shakes his head, impressed.
WAITRESS
What you reading?
JAY .28
Oh, it's, ,M... YOU know, Psycho-
-lunatic alien conspiracy junk.
She nods. 'Whatever. Shess used to all sorts in her corree house.
WAITRESS
Well, enjoy. If You need anything
else, my-n-ame's Cynthia.
(starts away, then starts
back)
Oh, this might be a weird question, but: do You think this skirt shows too much leg?
JAY
Hub? Oh, well, I dunno. I guess
not.
WAITRESS
okay. Thanks. 40
She smiles and heads off. He shakes his head, then turns back to his book. Flips
a few mdre pages. sea the "Man as Fat as own House." Sees the alien that used tosbe
Mikey.
Sees a photo of the Waitress, Cynthia.
Does a double-take. Turns. Spot$ Cynthia across
190
the crowded coff-ef house. This
time he looks closer and glimpses a brief flash of what NO ONE ELSE notices: The
waitress actuall-y has legs.
By the time it registers with Jay, the waitress Cynthia is already off across the
floor, serving iced decaf mocha lattes to a table of clueless pseudointellectuals...
and on Jay, sitting under the "stars-on-black-sky" sign of the Mite-Owl Coffee
House... w
fa0
e CUT To
EXT. DEEP SPACE
The POV SHOT. Again. COMING CLOSER. Still Approaching a galaxy Maybe even OUR
galaxy. We see what may be PLUTO... and we CUT To:
EARLY MORNING - INT. L4oCKER ROOM
The Men in Black locker room feels more like a hall or raze, or a museum. This is
because most of the "Men" are no longer around. But the lockers all show signs of
years of use-- lines and marks an stickers and colors and gifts... and letters...
and locks.
DEE, fully dressed, is sitting in front of his locker. It's filled with mementos
and gifts and is redolent of years of use. He is jus sitting there. Staring.
staring at:
Jay, who sits on the other side of the room, in front of W& looker only the letter
NJ" adorns its clean door. Jay looks at Do*.
JAY
Any... I dunno, words of advice or
anything'?
Doe just looks at Jay. What can he say? All the years. All the experiences. He
thinks for a while. Then just stands. Walks over to Jay. Pats him on the
shoulder. Nods.
DEE
Lean into it.
And walks out.
Jay watches him go. Then turns. Opens his locker.
Inside hangs a simple dark suit. Nothing flashy. Nothing stylish. He pulls it
off the hanger. Looks at it. Meanwhile--
INT. INS OFFICE - SPECIAL SERVICE WING - MORNING SAME 7 A.M. It's the MORNING
BRIEFING. Around the room are:
Zed, at the head, on a folding chair with a clipboard. Kay sips coffee. There are
a handful of ALIENS in the room as well: 7Spheres, the upside-down Gopher guy, 4-
Eyes, the purple creature..
And there are 5 TV MONITORS also in the room. On each monitor is another INS
Special Services Agent. Different "Men in Black" in different parts of the country
and the world.
it's in odd combination of high-tech and low-tech. Jay enters the room, now
wearing the suit. He comes in, sits next to Kay.
JAY (SOTTO)
Nice threads. What, were they having
a sale at C&R?
Kay says nothing. Jay gets the message. He mimes "zipping his mouth shut" as Zed
is speaking to the group.
ZED
Ella... welcome back to-the lower 48.
ELIE, a female INS Agent on one of the monitors, nods.
ZED (CONTINUING)
I brought Ella down from Anchorage
last night. She's out in Colorado.
We've got a flurry in the general
area. We've Mikey-- remember him?--
on the move somewhere in northwest
(more)
31
ZED (CONTINUING)
Texas at the moment. Keep us abreast of anything unusual-- departure permits,
relocation pap4krz...
ELLE
You got it.
ZED
And finally. Everybody, moot Jay.
Associate agent.
Around the room and on all 5 LIVE FEED TV MONITORS are various adlib "hellos" and
"welcomes," etc.
ZED
Let's hope he lasts. Kay. We got a researcher in Maryland, discovered a new life
form.. Be an easy one for our young friend.
He hands a tear-out to Kay. Zed then speaks to the group.
ZED
Everybody, listen up: we've had a tremendous amount of movement lately. Be aware.
Be safe. Have a good day.
(then, calling)
oh, uh... Cowan?
COWAN
Yes, air? -- OOOMPH.
Suddenly there's a BLURRR and a DAZED MAN ARRIVES/APPEARS and thrusts a SMALL PACK
into his qut. It takes a second f or the Hat Doplaresque trail to disappear and
for him to "adjust.* After regaining equillibrium, he nods to Cowan with the
tousled look ci one who just got off the world's most amazina rollercoaszer. It
Dave-- the guy who ran the test. Only now we're seeing him in fi form. He speaks
as he looks: fast and frazzled.
DAVE
Whooooo-boy. Nice to see you again.
Didn't have a chance to say congrats.
So: congrats. Welcome aboard.
(then, as if suddenly
remembering something)
Damnl Where's my head?
(taking it off, "looking at
it," then putting it back)
There it is, Goddamnit! Nice to meet
you. My name is...
Dave utters a strinq-g un2r
sounding like a cross between a oghorn
k.
32
DAVE
Bui you can call me Dave.
And just as ickly, he DISAPPEARS. It all happened so fast, Cower
is just left standing there, holding the pile of stuff.
ZED
Hell of an assistant, isn't he? Damn guy moves so fast, he actually gets t
190
here
before you even ask for him.
COWAN
Sorta literally gets ahead of
himself.
ZED
Hang on. -- And this is the good part; when you're fully ordained, he'll come when
you call him, too. (then)
Dave. 40
Suddenly Dave APPEARS. Again. (only, as we will understand later this is actually
his first arrival). He arrives slightly offkilter, and takes a brief second to
"adjust."
DAVE
fa0
Sir.
ZED
Hand associate agent Cowan here what he needs to get started. ID card, carte Noire,
information.
DAVE
Yes. Right. Got it. okay, then.
Illlllll see ya.
ZED
And don't forget to introduce
yourself.
DAVE
Right. Right. Will do. Bye now.
And Dave DISAPPEARS. Cowan is lerft baffled. He looks down at the pile of stuff
Dave left a second ago: ID card (with photo), dark, metallic credit card-looking
thing (the Carte Noire) ...
COWAN
So... wait. You just asked... but he goes so fast, he actually brought what you
asked for before you asked for it.
32
ZED
His physics are a little different
than ours. Don't worry
COWAN
it'll make sense later?
ZED
No. But You'll get used to it.
(then, extending a hand)
welcome to the Men in Black.
Cowan shakes Zed's hand- Then Cowan looks down at his ID card. It reads "US INS -
SPECIAL SERVICES, DO HOT DETAIN THIS MAN, Agl NO And we CUT TO'
INT. UNDERGROUND PARKING GARAGE - SHORTLY THERFAi!-rxx
Kay we Iks Jay along the row of plain-wrapped government issue vehicles. Kay is
studying the tear-out Zed had given him.
JAY
So I read through the manual and
stuff. shit we do-- er, well,
you guys do. One question: why are we called Men in Black?
Kay is silent, checking his key against the proper stall.
JAY (CONTINUES)
Well, how about if I guess, then?
Black: Vast space. Deep.
Spiritual. The essence of infinity.
KAY
We wear black.
JAY
Oh. Right. I guess that's kind of cool, too, in it's own way. Course, this isn't
really black; it's kind of a dull, dirty, tarry sort of noncolor, isn't it?
Kay leads Jay toward a powder blue 2986 Ford LTD. The boxiest, a( plain-looking
vehicle imaginable.
KAY
The point is to not call attention to
ourselves.
JAY
I understand. Hey, it works for the Hasids, right? No or4,e recognizes them.
33
Jay looks at Kay, anticipating a response to his Joke. xayss response? He's
already in the car. Jay nods. Opens his door.
INT. THE FORD LTD - CONTINUOUS
Jay slides in as Kay starts the engine, backs the car up.
JAY
So... what's this amazing new
creature thing we're gonna check out?
Kay slides the &heat to Jay. It's actually a torn section of the WEEKLY GALAXY
newspaper. On it is a photo of a tiny INSECT.
JAY
It's a bug.
KAY
Right.
JAY
But not a BUG bug-- it's an insect.
The car moves through the garage, toward a hanging gas pump where a MAN in grease-
stained coveralls turns as they pull up.
KAY
Fillerup, Stanley, and check under
the hood while you're at it.
MAN IN COVERALLS (STANLEY)
You got it, Mr. Kay.
The man in coveralls gets to work. As he moves away from us, we sef a slight hint
of his other-worldly origins: he is actually suspended from the ceiling by one of
the hanging hoses.
JAY
So... lemme get this straight. We got the use of all sorts of technology from all
sorts of other planets. We got information no one else in the world is privy to.
And we're in a 1986 Ford LTD about to go look at an insect?
KAY
So what's the problem?
JAY
Well, first of all... I gotta think we could still blend in pretty nice in a
Ferrari Testerrosa. I mean, ther*ls a @ of am on the street these days, and... uh..
.
34
Jay stops as Stanley-- instead of lifting the h@- lift* the ENTIRE SHELL Of the car,
revealing:
Under thft. shell, the car in ALL ENGINE, from the front bumper to the back. And
Jay and Kay &rL* sitting in seats in the center of it.
KAY
Rule number one in our line of work:
nothing's ever what it seems. Ever.
A moMENT IATER
jay's head rocks back as Kay steps on the gas and we CUT To-
EXT. SUDBURY COLLEGE - VIRGINIA - DAY
There's a STATUE of a famous CIVIL WAR HERO in the center of the quad of this small
southeastern college. Some students are sitting on it, strumming guitars as Kay
and Jay exit the LTD in their conservative attire. Kay looks around at the
idealism, the innocence. The cut-offs and the colors. Jay looks at the clothes
people wear. He sidles up to Kay as they pass through.
JAY
Christ, in this outfit I
190
feel like I should be lecturing in some black and white
film about V.D.
(waving to a group on a
lawn, in a "square" voice)
Hi kids. "Just say no!"
Kay doesn't smile. Jay points to a guy in go's grunge attire: tot jeans, tie-dyed
shirt, hat backwards, goatee, earrings, etc.
JAY
I tell you, if we really wanted to bland in, that24 what we'd be wearing. I think
it'd be a good look for you, too.
fa0
I'll even help you choose a tattoo.
KAY
it's the way we do it. The way we've
always done it.
JAY
I know, but we're on a college
campus...
KAY
This is a college? I'm sorry, I
thought it was a carnival.
Before them, a guy does a cartwheel and then catches a frisbes.
35
INT. SUDBURY COLLEGE - SCIENCE DEPT HALLWAY
They walk down a hallway, passing an open door to a classroom,, in which We can
hear a professor teaching a freshman class.
PROFESSOR
physics explains what the world is. Hard and true. Science. L=.
The Professor's voice fades as they pass. Kay just shakes his head
Khy
I was right. It is a carnival.
They approach a door marked DR L. WEAVER, OMMOL40GY. Kay knocks.
JAY
Boy, you gotta wonder what kind of crusty old geezerld wanna spend his time around
insects all day...
The doorknob turns and--
A yM ATTRACTIVE WOMHN, (LHUREL WEAVER) opens the door in deep concentration. Her
manner is at once extremely scattered and remarkably focused, and she looks at then
with the eyes of someone whols been working hard for a long time.
LAUREL
Can you hold on a second? I'm just
in the middle of a...
Her voice trails off as she turns away from them and returns acros! her remarkably
cluttered office to her wildly paper-strewn desk.
Jay just looks at her, his mouth literally dropping open. Yay turto him, puts his
finger under Jay's chin and lifts Jay's mouth shu
Khy
For future reference, is how you're the most appealing.
laurel finishes jotting something down on a notepad, then starts t get up. Then
she stops, remembering something else. She writes a few more things. Grabs a book
from a pile, begins... reading.
After a moment, it becomes clear that Laurel has completely forgotten about them.
Jay clears his throat.
JAY
Uh... Dr. Weaver?
LAUREL
Oh! Oh, Godl I'm so sorry.
(turns, crosses to them)
I've been just ensconced in my...
36
Kay removes from his wallet a little black credit card with the words 'CARTE NOIRE"
on it. Instantly, we so* it transform into a BUS114ESS.CARD with the words
"Scientific American" on it.
KAY
We're from Scientific American. We read about your discovery. WeOd like to take a
look.
LAUREL
Scientific American? Really?
He shows her the card. She goes to take it-- but he takes it back.
KAY
Sorry-- it's my last one.
she widens the door and steps inside. They follow her through a two-room office
which is FILLED with specimen jars, diagrams, maps, papers, books, nets, cagei...
LAUREL
I wasn't expecting guests. Lucky I
just cleaned up.
The Men look around-- @ is just cleaned up? Jay passes by a
DIAGRAM OF AN INSECT NEST, looks at it closely as they continue in.
Laurel grabs a carefully placed jar, crosses to her desk.
JAY
So, I guess you could say you're
really into insects...
IAUREL
Actually, they disgust me. But that's what I love about them. Like a car wrack,
you know, how you shouldn't look, but you always pull over and watch real close, or
even pretend you're a reporter so you can get even closer and take pictures?
She places the jar on the desk.
LAUREL (CONTINUING) Or when someone has a hideous birthmark and all you do'is stare.
I really like that. Let the other girls have the guys like you. Chisled jaw,
perfect nose, quirky dimples. I find you all so boring.
JAY
I'A prefer if you were just a little
more blunt.
37
She opens the jar and begins to coax an IN$ECT out of it.
IAUREL
come on little fella...
'ithen, matter-cf-ra @ Y) That's another thing about insects. Talk about blunt.
If a mantid wants to have sex, boom. None of this "vhattya say we have dinner"
garbage. Of course, afterward, she bites off his head. Then again, that would
eliminate all that post-sex small talk... oh, I don't know.
Jay is looking at her, intrigued. Kay steps between them.
KAY
This it?
Yeah. Nov I know it looks normal,
but watch this.
it walks along the desk.- It looks, essentially, like a bug.
LAUREL
Okay. Now watch.
She places a yellow post-it in the bug's path. As
190
it walks over it we see it take
on a slightly yellow tone. As it continues = the post-it, it returns to its
previous brownish, desk-colored tone.
LAUREL
I mean, I dunno. I've seen insects with really great camoflauge ability. But
never like this.
KAY
May I have a look?
Laurel switches on a VIEWING PLATE. Kay sits Looks closely. KAY'S POV.* it looks,
essentially, like a typical insect. Un
fa0
til il walks over the postage stamp Kay has
set before it. It takes on tJ reddish/blue color of the stamp. He let& Jay look
at it.
KAY (SOTTO)
Any thoughts?
JAY (SOTTO)
I think she's the alien. In any case, she's clearly spent my too much time alone
in this room.
KNY (SOTTO)
Keep her out of here while I check it
out.
38
JAY
(stands, turns to her)
I'm, uh... real curious about your met up here. I see you have the,-uh, double-
office-type thing going here..
As Jay leads her into the other room, Kay removes what looks like a multi-lensed
jewelor's scope from his coat. He rotates it, chooses a particular lens, and looks
closer.
KAY'S POV: When he magnifies it 100 times, notices ... TEETH.
Tiny, but thousands of them. Kay pushes the magnification.
ANOTHER ANGLE - THE OFFICE
Jay has entered the OTHER ROOM. From this room, there is a view
into the main room, where we can see Kay studying the insect.
JAY
Hmnn... yeah. It's cool, it's kinds
like my office a little.
Laurel turns to Jay, very skeptical.
IAUREL
So... how'd you hear about this?
JAY
oh, yeah, well, you know. I'm a big
fan. I've read all your work.
LHUREL
Yeah, right. Even I can barely read
all my work.
Jay glances at Kay, in the other room. Kay, speaking into his two way radio,
motions "EM STALLING
KAY (SOTTO)
... recent landings within a hundred mile radius of Sudbury, Virginia?
ZEDIS VOICE (ON RADIO)
Nothing.
KAY
Nothing at all? Now? Last month?
Anything in the last few years?
ZEDIS VOICE (ON RADIO)
Nope. Nothing at all.
BACK WITH JAY AND LHUREL - S @
He's starting to shift uneasily 7. She's pressi ng his.
39
IAUREL
So... what Of MY stuff do you like the most?
ZAY
Well... um... a lot of the, uh...
insect stuff, Mostly.
LAUREL
Parasitoid inveculates...
JAY
Right, right-- I like that stuff.
LAUREL
With exclusionary frecto-inhibitors?
JAY
Exactly. I very much enjoy that.
LAUREL
Do have any idea what I just said?
JAY.
... Sure. Why?
LAUREL
Then you could clue me in, cause I haven't the foggiest. I made up each word.
And Laurel walks right past him and into
THE OTHER ROOM
Where Kay has now scraped the bug off the slide and is placing it a tiny container.
LAUREL
Who are you, really?
Kay stands, looks at her directly. Jay, stepping up behind her, canlt believe it
when he says:
KKY
We're with the immigration and Naturalization Service, Intergalactic Bureau. We
monitor all-alien activity in and around Earth and its enveloping atmosphere.
LAUREL
(beat)
come again?
Suddenly there's a WHOOOOOSH and Dave arrives/appears. He TAKES
INSECT from Kay's hands and places it in a jar.
40
D&VE
Hoy there, Jay. Miya-- wwWHOOAI You must be Dr Weaver. Here you gal
Dave removes A DIFFERENT ZNSECT from a separate pouch and hands it to Laurel.
DAVE (CO@NUED)
This in an Andean Mollatoosa. Very rare. What the hell was it doing in Sudbury,
Virginia? X2U tell me, you're the bug-ologist. Oh, shit, gotta go.
--and he's gone. Laurel stands, stunned, as Kay says:
KAY
Dave.
And suddenly Dave arrives/appears again, for the first time.
DAVE
Sir?
KAY
We need you to take a bug back to Zed, see if he can't help me find an origin for
this. Oh, this is Dr. Weaver. See that we locate a comparable find that's
actually 21
this earth. we'll neuralyse her,
tell her she discovered that instead.
DAVE
Yes, air. I'lldo it, damnit, and
I'll see you soon. Jay? What's up?
And he's GONE. Even Laurells rather unusual mind has difficulty
accepting that which she just witnessed.
LAUREL
I really gotta stop eating that stuff from the field.
Kay reaches into his pocket. Removes the neuralyser. Jay moves over toward Laurel.
JAY
Hey, uh, listen, while you're in this kind of a weakened state, maybe, I dunno,
maybe you'd like to go get a cup of coffee some time or something?
Excuse me--
42
IAURZL
(to Jay)
Hmnn... wall, it's funny, cause usually I!u not all that attracted to stupid guys,
but--
KAY
But, unfortunately, you're even less attracted to
190
guys you've never seen before.
JAY
What are you--? W!
Kay points the neuralyser in Laurells direction. There's a FIASH. And we CUT TO:
EXT. DEEP SPACE
The POV, RUSHING THROUGH THE GALAXY. Passing over Pluto. Heading toward what
would be Neptune... it's definitely our galaxy... and wi CUT TO:
UNLIT NEON STARS ON A RUSTY METAL BACKDROP
--It's a sign for the STARLIGHT DINER, a roadside d
fa0
ive past which the men in
Black's Ford LTD is driving.
KAY (V.0.)
What's the difference? She still discovered something rare. It's just an Andean...
whatever the hell, and not a... whatever... whatever the hall.
INT. LTD - SAME
Kay drives. Jay eats a burger in a foil wrapper.
JAY
I'm just saying it was cold. I think
she kind of liked me.
KAY
She didn't even know you. .
JAY
I know, that's usually the only time I actually have a shot. And what if I wanted
to see her again? I'd have to completely re-introduce myself.
42
Rhy
Such a shame, too. Cause you mad* such a good impression the first time.
JAY
Hey, I was workin' her. I was
workin' my thing.
xhy
just so I understand... you're "thing" is... actina like an idiot? Or is it
actually beina an idiot? Besides--
JAY
I know, I know. I read the manual.
No attachments. We work alone. Blah
blah.
KAY
if you don't have anyone to tell, you won't tell anyone. Believe me, you get used
to it.
JAY
I think yougre =2 used to it. If you ask me, you've been doing this job too long.
KAY
You don't know the half of it.
JAY
What'd you do before this, anyway?
Wait-- let me guess. Ice s@pture?
Rock?
KAY
I taught kindergarten.
JAY
Ha ha. No, really.
KAY
It was a long time ago.-
Suddenly there's a WHOOOOOOSH and some car passes them going at least three times
their speed.
KAY
Everyone thinks it's the goddamn
Milky Way.
Kay hits the siren and steps on the gas. The LTD is quickly climbing to a speed of
100... 120...
43
JAY
well, one thingle for sure. You
could certainly lighten up.
KAY
(a serious question)
Why?
JAY
Why? Well, it wouldn't hurt you to have a little more fun. I know I don't know
you all that well, but--
KAY
You dontt know me at all.
JAY
Um-- Kay?
Jay grabs onto the side of the seat. 160. 200. 245. The laws of physics start to
press his head bara-
JAY
Kay, um... how, uh, fast does this
thing actually go ... ?
KAY
Let's see... that was second gear...
Kay shifts into THIRD. Jay winces.
KAY
You just let me know when you think
I'm having enough fun.
EXT. DESERTED ROAD /INT. PARKED POLICE CAR
2 cars ZOOOOOM by... WHOOSH-WHOOSH. The cop car literally rises ar clunks down.
The cops look at the speed gun: 2U. He just thwac) the g=, and we CUT TO:
EXT. FURTHER DOWN - SIDE OF DESERTED ROAD - A MOMENT LATER
The LTDIS parked at the side of the road, dust kicking up around tt tires. Kay
gets out. Jay follows; They head toward:
THE STATION WAGON
which is pulled to the side ahead of them. It's loaded with suitcases and bags.
And inside of it is A FAMILY -- FATHER, MOTHE3 COUPLE OF KIDS, and COVERED BABY in
car seat.
Kay and Jay approach the window.
44
KAY
Licence and registration, please.
The Man hands Jay a typical licence and registration. Key looks at them. Nods.
Hands them back.
KAY
other licence and registration.
The Man reaches into a different pocket. Pull$ out a glowing red wallet and
removes from it a glowing red id card.
He hands it to Kay On it is a HOLOG"XHIC IMAGE-- the kind which, when you turn it,
it changes into a different image.
Kay turns the ID. it goes from one image-- that of a (THE FATHER) -- to another
image-- that of a RED-FACED ALIEN WITH SIX EYES AND FOUR EARS. Kay adjust* it back
and forth a couple of times, then hands it back to the "father."
KAY
There you go Mr. K-109.
Kay notices a map on the nother's lap. It's of the Western United states, with one
state in particular circled.
KAY
What's in New Mexico that you're in
such a hurry?
MOTHER
We're having dinner with our cousins.
They're invertebrates.
KAY
See your relocation papers?
The Father hands some papers to Kay, who looks, hands then back.
KAY
These haven't been authorized.
MOTHER
Yes. We were running late. We're
going to fax then in when we arrive.
Kay begins writing a ticket.
KAY
There's an outpost in Albuquerque. Ernie Goosels Extra-Tall Men's Shop downtown--
it's always open. Get them signed as soon as you arrive. They'll send it o
190
ver to
us.
45
FATHER
Yen, air. Thank you very such.
Kay rips the ticket off his pad and hands it to the Father.
KAY
Speed limit out here's 55. 1 clocked
you at just under 600.
FATHER
(signs ticket)
I understand. Thank you.
KAY
Also--
(re. baby in car seat)
Keep him covered.
The Mother looks behind her. The BABY'S BLHN@ has slipped off, revealing a MOST
HIDEOUS, RED-FACED, SIX-EYED BABY. T
fa0
he Mother quickly covers it with the blanket,
cooing and oggling as she does.
MOTHER
Here you go my beautiful little baby-
waby...
(to Kay)
Thanks.
KAY
Drive safely.
And Kay and Jay start away as the station wagon pulls out.
KAY
Amazing what a mother'll find
beautiful.
INT. LTD
Kay gets in. So does Jay. Jay waits f or Kay- to start the car, bu he doesn't.
Jay looks over at him.
JAY
What'?
KAY
Something seem unusual to you about
that'?
JAY
Un... you mean... a family of sixeyed, red-faced space creatures travelling to New
Mexico to have dinner with their cousins, the invertebrates? Seemed pretty
Goddamned ordinary to me.
KAY
If it was just a meal, why did they
have so much luggago?
JAY +
I dunno. Maybe it was baby supplies,
Kay starts the car, starts to pull a U-turn.
KAY
Let's check am out.
Suddenly his RADIO SQUALKS and we HEAR ZEDTS VOICE.
ZED
Kay? What's your 20?
KAY
Highway 119, just west of Smith.
Why?
ZED
I need you in Philadelphia. I got a
code 90, in a-high school.
KAY
What the hell is going on?
Kay just so, instead of a U, they do a 360.
and they Pull out onto the hig@way and hit the siren.
Kay accelerates. Jay's head is pressed back against the seat.
JAY
Code 90. I'm assuming that's... bad,
right?
CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - SAME
-A panicked swirl of people, running, yelling. Unable get out of the gym. A pep
rally gone wav bad. CUT BACK TO:
INT. LTD - DRIVING QUICKLY
KAY
No. Code 100's bad. With code 90
there's still a chance of survivors.
INT. GYM - SAME
People claw at the locked doors. Pound. But the screaming's getting less and less-
- not in volume, but in numbers.
EXT. PARKING LOT - A FEW MINUTES LATER The LTD lurches in and screeches to a halt.
Jay and Kay lvqt out.
47
Kay tosses Jay what looks like a small RIFLE with a large scope and an extremely
finely crafted barrel.
JAY
what's this?
KAY
It's an Edna__ named after Zed's ex wife. All you do is at the target. The scope
matches the image with the image on your retina. The barrel will find the target
on it
own.
Jay looks through the scope. As he turns his eye, the barrel turns
with it. JAY
Wow.
Kay grabs his. They slam the door and hear:
silence. Absolute stillness and quiet coming from inside the gym.
KAY
Well, Mr. Intuition... when the neighbors report screaming and we hear nothing but
silence, what does that lead you to believe?
JAY
I guess it's simple, huh? They're
either gone... or dead.
KAY
or someone has a nitrogenizer.
JAY
A what?
They briskly approach the locked doors. Kay deftly pulls out his CARTE NOIRE.
Holds it to the key hole. Suddenly the card reforme in the shape of a key, and he
inserts it. opens it. Revealing:
INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - CONTINUOUS
The Men enter and immediately stor, in their tracks...
KAY
A nitrogenizer.
... for before them is a 400-person MOTIONLESS TABLEAU OF TERROR.
TY.at's right-- everyone who just a moment ago was running in pani, and screaming
is now STANDING (or crawling up the bleachers or ly on the ground) ABSOLUTELY STILL.
49
people PROZLPN WHILE ITUNNING TO ZSCAPZ look like 4k 3-D snapshot of the beginning
of a track Seat. The ENTIRE FOOTBALL TEAM is frozen in the. center. As are
CHEERLEADERS and a burly COACH. And hundredf of terrified students. All
motionless.
JAY
Now what?
KAY
History's proven that where there's a nitrogenizer, there's a 12-legged signazoid.
They use it to make our food digestible for their systems.
They move slowly around the human wax museum of terror, searching.
JAY
Right. Wello then, I guess we should look for the tell-tales signs of a 12 legged
signazoid. Whatever those might be. I'm assuming we don't have a lot of time.
KAY.
Depends on whether you consider 45
seconds a lot or a little.
JAY
Could he have gotten out?
KAY
A signazoid's eleven thousand pounds.
I think we'd know if held left.
JAY
Then wouldn't we also know if he's
here?
KAY
Hold it.
Suddenly they stop. Still. Because they can h
190
ear something.
it sounds like whimpering. From a corner over by the very end of the bleachers. A
corner where they see a 15 year old BOY, crouche scared. His name is Leonard, an&
he wears a math club t-shirt.
He holds what looks like a small, red, other-worldly fireplace stoker, with 2
handles, a scope, a bladder and a nozzle.
JAY
it's a kid.
IXONARD
Stop! Don't come any closer or I'll
do
fa0
it to you, too!
49
The men stop, then continue to inch close and closer.
KKY
L"t*n to no. You're holding
something very very dangerous.
You've just iced 350 of your pals--
LEONARD
They're not my pals--
KAY
They're not even gonna be your enemie-a if you don't give that to me really soon.
T.EONARD
What if I don't?
KAY
In about 10 seconds they're gonna start losing brain celis@t the rate of about a
million a minute.
LEONARD
(beat)
Will it lower the curve@
KAY
I don't think it's a tradeoff you really want to make. Now give it to me-- I can
reverse the effects if you g v" J& t2 Mg now.
LEONARD
I wanna make a deal.
KKY
Fine. Here's our deal: give it now
or you go stag to the Pluto prom.
Kay lifts his Edna. The barrel instantly swirls and locks right a@ Leonard's head.
He's not fooling around.
KAY
And since you're interested in math, answer this: Which is a greater loss-- three
hundred fifty, or one?
He cocks it. The kid, terrified, hands over the nitrogenizer.
SAME - A MOMENT LATER
people are starting to "thaw." Ever so slowly, movement can be seen. Kay and Jay ?
ress Leonard.
50
KAIY
Whereld you got it?
LEONARD
round it.
KAY
Tell us the truth. You don't just FIND these things, at least not in this
neighborhood.
LEONARD
I promised I wouldn't tell.
y,ay grabs him.
KAY
You listen to =C. son. I take my promises Very seriously. And we have a promise
with some people about not letting things like this get into the public. And when
I find whoever let this out, I'm going to leave a serious trail of damage. I'm
willing to start my trail here... or wherever you got it. Your choice.
There's a pause. People are starting to gain more movement-fingers, some hands and
arms. Loeonard swallows hard.
LEONARD
I just wanted to scare em. So I go in to buy a starter's pistol-- you know, the
kind they use at track meets that shoot blanks-- and this guy, he said if I really
wanted to mess with with them, he had just the thing...
KAY
This guy. Where was he?
LEONARD'
I dunno. Some pawn shop. Downtown.
KAY
(stands)
of a bitch.
INT. CAR - DRIVING THROUGH DOWWTOWN - NIGHT
Kay drives. Furious.
51
KAY
There's a treaty. Therals a reason for it: nothing must leak into the public.
Nothina. Rule 4. Why would he go and knowingly break the treaty?
Kay pulls the car to the side of the road.
EXT. DOWNTOWN PHILADELPHIA - VERY BAD PART OF TOWN NIGHT Jay follows Kay out.
JAY
He? Whols he?
KAY
He's a slimy little slithering
scumwad is what he is.
JAY
There's gotta be a hundred pawn shops in downtown Philadelphia. I take it there's
a reason we're going to this one.
KAY
There's a goddamn good reason.
JUST A WAYS DOWN THE STREET - SAKE
An E LY SCUMMY GUY (JACK JEEBS)-- bad skin, straggly hair, a limp-- is turning the
"OPEN" sign in his pawn shop to HCLOSED" as)
looks up and scowls.
JEERS
Shit. Flatfoots. I'm closed!
KAY
open up, Jeebs.
Jeebs tries to force the door shut but Kay easily pushes it open.
They follow Jeebs into--
INT. PAWN SHOP - CONTINUOUS
A typical pawn shop-- stocked only with items we recognize as of this planet. Kay
pushes Jeebs all-the way up to the counter.
JEERS
Hey! Kay! IS funny, Its just
thinking about you.
KAY
What a coincidence, cause I was just
thinking about you, too, Jack.
(more)
52
RAY (CONTINUING)
(pull$ out Nitrogenizer)
Recognize this?
JEEBS+
No.
KAY
Maybe you need a closer look.
Kay whacks Jeebs across the face with it. Jeebs flies back through the counter.
Jay winces as Jeeb's head slams against the wood.
JEERS
Hey! What the hell are you doing?
Kay grabs him and slugs him again-- and knocks Joebs through a back door and into:
A BACK ROOM - CONTINUOUS
where Jeebs rolls with a thud onto the ground. Kay and Jay follow
him in. room, unlike the front room, is filled with artifacts
and items from all over,the galaxy. An intergalactic pawn shop.
KAY
What the hell are y2U doing? Selling
to a resident. To a kid, no less.
JEEBS
I didn't do it, Kay, I swear!
Kay raises his
190
fist again. Jeebs scrambles backward.
JEEBS -
I won't do it againi I promiset
Kay grabs him, drags him to his feet.
JEEB.4-
The kid looked desperate. I
figured...
KAY
You figured what?
JEEBS
I figured it didn't matter. It's my
last day of business.
(quickly-- as Kay's about to
punch him again)
I was wrong. I'm sorry. Hey, look what I got for you-- a free-floating plasma pad?
--One of the go
fa0
od ones, too, w= zoids.
53
iambs grabs what looks like small BLOW DRYER from a shelf. He presses a button,
and f rom the spout come dozens of cotton ball-lik puf fa, ..all of which stick to
Joebs and vibrate. clearly this gives jeebs tremendous pleasure.
JEEBS
Mmmmmm-hmnn. Fact, I can get one for your friend, too. Wanna try it? wait, hang
on, just gimme one more minute... ooooh, yeah. God-d=--
Kay pulls it away from him, tosses it to Jay. Jay gets some of the puffs on him.
eriences the effects as he tries to pull them off
KAY
Your licence is revoked.
Permanently.
JEEB@
I understand. I understand, thank you. --How about a transmographic
dexahydrochlorophallomixaloosalyser?
He tosses it to Jay. It looks like a yo-yo, but it works UP. Jay fiddles with it.
KAY
And I'm arranging deportation papers.
JEEBS
Yes. Yes, that's eminently fair of
you.
KAY
And I'm bringing you in and locking
you up until you tell me--
JEEES
No!! No-- here-- how about a metrological de-memorizer? or an Andromedan
Electrostatic
Jismalografier?
KAY
Sorry, pal. You know the rules.
Kay pulls out handcuffs. Jeebs suddenly starts CRYING.
JEEBS
No. Don't take me in. Please.
Jeebs starts to back up. Jay, trying to help, grabs Jeebe.
JAY
Hold it, JeeeeEEEEEEAAH--
S4
Suddenly JEEBS IATCHES OHM JAY AND SHOOTS UP INTO THE AIR AS THEY BOTH BLAST
THROUGH THE SHATTERING ROOF and are suddenly--
HOVERING ABOVE THE CITY OF PHILADELPHIA - NIGHT
About 15 feet over the rooftop of Jeebs' pawn shop, where Jeebs, ears extend into
Mary Poppins-like umbrella-wings. His hands and feet retreat into claws. And Jay
suddenly finds himself HOIDING ONTO JEEBS FOR DEAR LIFE. Jeebs Rounds Jay.
JEEBS
Let go of me.
But Jay tries to hold onto Jeebs' pants-- which RIP. Flailing, Jay grabs Jeebs'
leg... and the SKIN RIPS... revealing*
A grimy, slimy, literally SLIPPERY under-leg...
And, clutching the shed skin like it were a limp plastic bag... Jay suddenly finds
himself falling back through the hole in the roof...
JAY
Shiiiiiiiiii.....
AND INTO-- THE PAWN SHOP CONTINUOUS
Where he lands with a dull, hard GRUNT on the concrete floor.
JAY
iiiiiiiit.
Painfully, Jay looks up. Kay stands above him, holding his Edna trained on Jeebs,
who, Mary-Poppins-like, floats back down into the room, now the slimy, big-eared,
salalmander-skinned KLIEN that he is
KAY
Let's go, Jeebs. Downtown.
JEEBS
You're not taking me in!
Suddenly Jeebs reaches his arm down hi& own throat and, when it's about three feet
down there, he PULLS HIMSELF INSIDE OUT by the spine. Of course, he's not a human,
so what's left is an odd, alie mess of bones and skin and orange blood...
Jay watches, stunned, as Jeebs' I lifeless form just falls ontc the cold floor next
to him.
KAY
Something's wrong here.
JAY
(looking at all the cjun)c)
Gee. You really think?
Ss
KAY
jeebs is eager to have me deport him.
But would rather kill himself than go
downtown. Why?
JAY
I dunno. Why did that family need
all their luggage for a dinner?.
KAY
Why did Mikey leave Nazca?
JAY
(noticing something)
And what's this ... ?
KAY
What?
jay's noticed something sticking out of the pocket of Jeebs' jacke*. which is all
entwined with his other-worldly viscera. He reaches into the mess to pick it up.
He wipes it off.
JAY '
Looks like a train ticket.
KAY
Where to?
There's a pause. Jay looks at Key.
JAY
New Mexico.
EXT. DEEP SPACE
The POV is RUSHING THROUGH OUR GALhXY... past NEPTUNE. Approachi S... CUT TO:
INT. INS OFFICE - SPECIAL SERVICES BUREAU
CLOSE ON ZED
As his eyes widen...
ZED
Holy shit...
REVERSE ANGLE - HIS POV
He is looking at his L40CATION INDICATOR SCREEN-- where there is a definite
covergence of lights. All are blinking and heading towa@ New Mexico...
56
ZED
(calling)
4-Eyesl
(boat)
4-Eyes?
He turns. NO ONE IS IN HER SEAT' Zed grabs his radio. CUT TO:
CUT TO: EXT. DESERT - NIGHT - SMO
The LTD zooms into the New Mexico night.
INTERCUT INT. CA.R AND INT. OFFICE
KAY
4-Eyes went AW
190
OL? What about Dave?
ZED
He's gone, too.
KAY
What about the other agents? Ella?
Tee?
ZED
Elle's up in Portland-- three of her
charges left visibly at a
Trailblazers game. Shots got a lot to mop up. Tee says his Shanghai
quadrasectionals haven't been around since morning.
Zed ref ers to a SHATTERED GIASS JAR in a room labelled "quarantine
ZED
Even that little bug you found in
Sudbury seems t
fa0
o have taken off.
KAY
Jesus, everyone's moving. Could be an assembly. Does it look aggressive?
ZED
Hard to tell. I hope not.
K&Y
Keep an eye on things there. We'll see what we can find out at Ernie Goosels.
Kay starts to pull the car off the highway and we CUT TO:
57
EXT. ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO --NIGHT
A BEARDED MAN carrying a sandwich @ard which read& "THE END IS NEAR" babbles
incessantly-- a complete raving lunatic.
BEARDED KhM
... and a man with five heads... and long, skinny goat, only it wasn't a goat, it
was a fish-goat, with wheels. WHERE YOU GOING, RoLLImG FISH-GOAT? "The end is
near,' he tells me... THE END IS REARI
NEARBY
Jay and Kay move through the crowded sidewalk... past the vagrants, drifters,
lunatics, bums... and reach EMIE GOOSE'S EXTRA-TALL MEN' STORE... and find it
CLOSED.
KAY
Ernie's never gone.
JAY
Could he be sleeping?
KAY.
He sleeps five minutes every four
hundred years.
The men pound on the door. But there's definitely no one inside.
JAY
What's going on, Kay?
KAY
I don't want to rattle you, but Dee
was here for the War of the Worlds.
JAY
The radio show?
KAY
The . The aliens organized, all of am, and tried a coup. He made it @ like a radio-
- afterwards.
JAY
You think that's what's-happening?
KAY
I think happening...
They look around. Vagrants. Drifters. That LUNATIC.
BEARDED MAN
"AND THE DONKEY-130Y TOLD ME THE END
IS NEAR!M
people cross the street away from him. Everyone avoids this guy.
Everyone, that is, except Jay and Kay... who walk riaht up to
KAY
What are you talking about?
LUNATIC
They were in wheelbarrows. And shopping carts. I saw a family of am in a station
wagon.
JAY
A family in a station wagon? Red-
faced? Six eyes and four ears'
The Bearded Man looks at Jay-- and could practically KISS him.
BEARDED MAN
You saw then too! I'm not insane!
KAY
Where?
BEARDED MAN
The high place! THEY'RE UP IN THE
HIGH PLACE!
He POINTS. They see a MOUNTAIN, way in the distance... CUT TO:
EXT. ROAD OUT OF ALBUQUERQUE/INT. LTD - INTERCUT
The Men in Black are roaring through the New Mexico desert, heading up a hill...
toward a distant plateau...
KAY
The Plains of St. Augustine... the highest point oft-the continental
shelf...
JAY
Kay, I think I see something...
THEIR POV - UP ON A HIGH DESERT PLATEAU
Way in the distance can be seen all sorts of LIGHTS-- some flickering, others more
static. Like some sort of GATHERING.
EXT. DESERT FLOOR/INT. LTD - CONTINUOUS
The roars through the dirt. As they get closer, the far-away fort begin to take
shape. There's an aerie feel.
JAY
Holy shit... what the hell is this?
THEIR POV: EXT. PLAINS OF ST. AUGUSTINE - NEW MEXICO - NIGHT
Spread across the vast desert floor are all sort% of SILHOUETTED
FIGURES huddled in the darkness... with CAMPFIRES... near AIRST@
TRAILERS. Hundreds of them, illuminated by the car's headlights.
it looks like people waiting for the Rapture or something. Only tt sihouettes
aren't humans, they're ALIENS.
INT./EXT. LTD - ON THE HIGH DESERT PLATEAU - CONTINUOUS
The first thing which comes into View in that STATION WAGON WITH T. SUITCASES --
the one they pulled over on the highway. The Family sits the hood of the parked
wagon, huddled together, waving at Jay
and Kay as they pass.
FATHER
Bello, officer.
The Mother holds her LITTLE BABY-- the hideous red-faced thing...
MOTHER
Look, sweetie, it's the nice man from
the police car.
JAY
That's the family we pulled over earlier. They didn't react to us at all. They
just waved.
Kay pulls the car to a stop and
EXT. DESERT - CONTINUOUS
-- they get out of their car in the warm night air and look aroun
There is a very mysterious feel-- almost like Ellis Island. We s
a ROLLING FISH-GOAT, and CYNTHIA (the waitress from Georgetown), a 10-foot tall KM
with a huge nose and huge lips...
KAY
(recognizing creatures)
Ernie Goose? Cynthia?
JAY
That's the Loch Ness Monster. And...
Kay-- that's... 444-Eyes?
In
190
the distance is 444-Eyes, milling about with other aliens. A @long with several
others we may recognize from the office...
ow
KAY
DM? Where you going?
Dave l@06ks at him. Calls from across the dark, aerie plain...
DAVE
my family-- I need to go back.
KAY
Why? Davel?
suddenl I y the ALIENS BECOME STILL and the GROUND BEGINS TO STIR.
JAY
Jesus...
KAY
Get back in the car!
The GROUND BEGI
fa0
NS TO SHAKE VIOLENTLY as Kay pulls Jay back toward--
THE SR AKING LTD
Where Kay starts the engine and steps on the gas. Illuminated in the headlights as
the LTD accelerates are HUNDREDS OF ALIENS-diving out of the way of the now-
speeding car.
JAY
Jesus Christ...
KAY
We're rising.
They are-- the HORIZON SEEMS To BE LIFTING into the air.
EXT. DESERT - NIGHT - SAME - WIDE SHOT
Sure enough, a FOOTBALL FIELD-SIZED piece of desert is RISING INT( THE AIR,
revealing it to be not dirt but a MAN-0-RAY-SHAPED ORGAN@ (LIVING) CRAFT-- flat and
wide and black, with a long tail. And, in the last days of Saigon... it lifts all
the aliens up. All
except--
--Jay and Kay, in the LTD, which @ST AS the huge bat-ray-shaped creature/craft goes
into warp speed and
disappears into the night sky, and--
-- the car soars down to the dark deserted desert floor, where land with a loud,
heavy thud and go skidding madly to a halt.
Jay looks at Kay. Kay looks at Jay. And we CUT TO:
61
EXT. DEEP SPACE
The poV. RUSHING PAST SATURN. HEADING TOWARD JUPITER- We ran now begin to,-see in
the distance the small blue planet we know is Earth... and we t= 'TO:
SEVERAL SHOTS - VARIOUS ALIEN ESTABLISHMENTS WIGHT Ernie Goosels. Cynthials coffee
house. Empty. Deserted.
INT. INS BUIIMING - RECEPTION
Jay and Kay come wearily through.
INT. SPECIAL SERVICES WING
They enter the outer office. Bound through the "EXIT" door (the wall, actually)
into --
THE BACK ROOM 40 To find it absolutely quiet and still.
What was a buzzing, thriving workplace is now completely devoid of its alien staff.
The HUKAN ASSISTANTS slouch, inert and quiet, as:
AT THE FAR END OF THE BIG, WIDE ROOM is Zed, slumped in a chair, totally dejected,
covered in notes, scraps of paper, pieces of information, completely overwhelmed.
He sits next to Dee. They look like two old man on a park bench.
ZED
They're gone.
KAY
Dee? What are you doing here?
A MOMENT LATER - AT 444-EYES' VIDEO COMPLEX
Kay pushes keys. ON THE (SINGLE-IMAGE) SCREEN, the places where
before we saw ALIENS (when Jay first came in) are @w DESERTED.
DEE
I know their kids, I've played poker
with am. And they're all. gone.
JAY
I'm just wondering what's so great out there that everyone's trying to get to it?
ZED
Or what's no horrible down here that everyone's trying to avoid It?
62
JAY
Why do&$ it fesl like the only thing scarier than having a bunch of aliens on the
plan*t... is having then leave the planet?
There is a pause. The whole room is silent.
And then, suddenly... from way, way off...
... a tiny "BEEP" is heard.
THE 3-D HOLOGRAPHIC DIAGRAM OF THE UNIVERSE
Is COMPLETELY DARK. No little red dots at all.
But somewhere, something is still BEEPING. Jay turns. Points.
JAY
Uh, guys...
FAR ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM, deep in a corner, up near the ceiling... is a
tiny RED LIGHT. And it's moving quickly. Toward:
THE HOLOGRAM OF THE UNIVERSE
Where Kay and Jay and Zed are now standing.
ZED
Where's it headed? Get a line on it!
KAY
I'm getting a trajectory...
ZED
What do we have? Are we showing
anything?
Zed rushes to a little pad. Presses some buttons.
KAY
Where's it coming? Where's he
landing?
JAY (OFF SCREEN)
The Pentagon.
Zed and Kay turn their heads.
ZED/KAY
What?/Where?
KAY
How do you know that?
JAY
It's on TV.
Sure enough, ON THE NEWS is a REPORTER, looking quite shocked himself.
63
BERNIE SHAW (OR CNN) Thar* are rumors-- I repeat, rumors only-- that the Pentagon
has been contect*d about a possible alien .landing...
(shakes head, looks off)
You guys aren't ser...
WIDER KAY, JAY AND ZED
Are shocked.
ZED
It's on TV* They contacted the
Pentagon?
Kay looks at a computer screen.
KAY
They contacted everybody.
on a computer screen is a list of names and figures. It says
"CONTACTED: US AF. US ARMY. PENTAGON. SECRET SERVICE. ETC...
Names keep scrolling past.
ZED
They're calling it a peaceful arrival. They guarantee they're coming unarmed.
KAY
And they're buying it?
ZE
190
D
They went right to the President.
KAY
They went to the President?
Directly? THEY WENT OVER OUR HEADS?
The men look at each other. And we CUT TO:
EXT. DEEP SPACE
The POV now RUSHES PAST JUPITER... AND MARS... and is starting to head directly
toward the Earth... and we CUT TO:
EXT. PENTAGON - EARLY MORNING
Already cordoned off for security, the pentagon is now surrounded with MILITARY.
The
fa0
y not only surround the building, they are on tl roof as well, positioned to
avoid any and all possible threat.
NEAR THE OUTER PERIMETER 64
Some MILITARY KEN come to the window of the Men in Black LTD. Ray shows his ID.
They lot them pass.
EXT. INNER OF THE PEIJTAGON - A MOMENT LATER
Around the place are THOUSANDS OF MILITARY MEN with rifles. People are looking at
clocks, preparing themselves.
Jay and Kay step up. Jay looks at his watch.
JAY
58... 59... It's 5:45.
All around them, people are aware that it's the time. We hear VOICES calling Out.
Guns click in. NASA scientists aim cameras.
But there's nothing. No activity at all. ALL EYES-- AT LEAST TWO THOUSAND PAIRS
OF THEM-- are focused on the sky.
JAY
Kay-- check that out.
Jay points to the GROUNN-- JUST BELOW THEM.
A TINY GREEN SPROUT can be seen starting to poke its way out or the cement.
Suddenly THREE MOPE SPROUTS POKE OUT of the ground. The FIFTEEN MORE. THEN A
THOUSAND. After a moment we hear:
DISTANT SOLDIERIS VOICE
General!
Some eyes turn. A DISTANT SOLDIER has spotted the same thing. Gradually eyes
start to shift from the sky to the ground as--
ALL AROUND THE CENTER QUAD-OF THE PENTAGON
SPROUTS are popping throulh ... and they don't stay tiny for too long. Already
some of th m are two or three feet high.
VOICES start to call out, People are confused, fascinated.
The sprouts grow higher. Confused soldiers don't know what to do with their guns.
Suddenly WATER starts to trickle from a spot in the ground. And MORE SPROUTS GROW
AROUND IT.
The original sprouts are now TEN FEET HIGH. And GROWING. A FL40WE BLOOMS. More
flowers. It becomes impossible to see across the cement, because the TREES ARE NOW
TOO HIGH. People start to laugh To cheer.
But Kay and Jay remain stoic.
They look around some more. There's tremendous excitement brewing Trees are now
thirty, forty feet high. And still growing.
65
some of the soldiers begin to move off the periphery and, led by their leaders,
begin walking through the now-dense groan woods.
jay 1010 @-ks at Kay. They start in as well.
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS
People are moving over streams and rocks and lush, lavish natural floral gardens
until they reach, in the middle of it all--
A GORGEOUS SUN-LIT MEADOW
In the center of which is a CRYSTALLINE GLASS SPACE SHIP: sleek anc simple, with
glass wings, glass controls, a glass engine under a
glass hood... just sitting there, reflecting in the sun.
And before the ship, on a hammock, sipping water from the stream
which trickles by beside him... is:
AN EXTREMELY HANDSOME, VERY DISTINGUISHED LOOKING MAN
Who smiles at the hundreds of curious men and women who begin to poke their way
through the trees into the clearing.
He acknowledges then all with a pleasant nod. As they get closer, he raises his
water glass, and says, with all the irony of a man wh knows exactly how the
following sounds:
MAN
I guess what I'd really like to ask
you people is... please...
(smiles)
Take me to your leader.
And we CUT TO:
VARIOUS SHOTS - AROUND THE GloOBE
On Tv's all over the world -- in homes, in stores, in bars-- the media jump on the
rumors of extraterrestrial contact. we CUT between REPORTERS ON VARIOUS CHANNELS OF
TV as it begins to build.
REPORTER 07
Though no one will confirm it, the amazing thing is that no one is actually denying
that the gathering in Washington DC around the Pentagon could actually be--
REPORTER #15
--not since the infamous "Roswell"
incident of 1947--
REPORTER #4 -- rumors range from a failed terrorist attack to a visitation-get this!
-- from a being from outer space--
66
All over the world, people gather and watch. Some are enthralled. Others are
disbelieving. All are-at least intrigued. CUT To:
EXT. THE PENTAGON - DAY
where extremely tight security fights off the insistent throng of press, who badger
and swarm around those they recognize...
REPORTER #2
General! We understand that in
190
side the Pentagon are twenty-five green men with
antennae--
GENERAL
(passing through)
No comment.
REPORTER 414
a huge, twelve foot robot--
SPOKESPERSON FOR PRESIDENT (as he muscles through)
I have nothing @o say.
REPORTER #33
-- figures not dissimilar to ET, the
Extraterrestrial--
UP AT THE DOOR
THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY are inserting ID CARDS into a security
slot by a
fa0
guarded door.
Kay and Jay-- who pass the press unnoticed (since nobody recognizes them)-- insert
their Carte Noires. The light goes GREEN. They enter. And as one last clueless
reporter speaks to a camera--
CLLTELESS REPORTER #16
-- where reporter happened to glimpse what I think was a sevenheaded monkey-like
creature--
-- we CUT TO:
CLOSE SHOT: THE VERY HUMANESQUE ALIEN
Looking prim and handsome and dapper. we are in:
INT. A HIGHLY SECURE CONFERENCE ROOM IN THE PENTAGON
Where around a big table are the Joint Chiefs, the Security Advisors, heads of the
CIA, NSA, Secret Service, etc. And Jay and Kay. The HEAD OF NASA addresses the
President. By him is the Alien, dapper and confident. Whereas there is quite a
frenz-outside, inside it is calm and reasoned.
67
NASA HEAD
He has come unarmed--,we have verified this-- and he has come a@o@. No can frame
it however we'd like-- we may politicize it, to suit our current needs, or we may
not. All he wants is 5 minutes to address the people of our world, with what he
calls a message of hope and light. So, Mr. President, if it's alright .with you,
I'd like to introduce...
(to the Alien)
... what would you like us to call
you, anyhow?
The Alien stands. He moves to the head of the table.
ALIEN
Let's see... My true name you couldn't even begin to pronounce. Trust me, it's
worse than4*rince's new name. Why don't you simply call me, oh, I don't know...
what's a good human name? H6w about... Yaz.
NASA HEAD
'Yaz'?
YAZ
1967 Triple Crown winner, American League MVP, Boston Red Sox left fielder, Carl
Yastrzemski. Just saw the final pennant game before I left. You must understand,
it takes your TV signals a while to get to us. --Oh, I'm taping the 67 world series
as we speak. Please, nobody tell me how it comes out.
Yaz smiles. Light chuckles from all but Kay, who checks his watch.
YAZ
Anyhow, I digress... I'd now like to ask everyone, please, if you would, to empty
your front pockets. Don't worry. This isn't a stick up. I'm just making a point.
People reach into their pockets. CLHNG-. CLANK K-CHING CLUNK.
Change, pocket knives... and, mostly, KEYS are met on the table.
Jay goes to do the same, but, off Kay's look, he stop&.
YAZ
Now, what are we looking at? Keys. Look at them all. Why do we have them? Mr.
President?
68
PRESIDENT
wall, uh... so we can got into
things, I guess.
YAZ
That's why you have doors, Mr. President. Keys, however, are to lock the doors.
And locks, as you know, are to keep people out. Why? Fear. You humans are afraid.
So you set up boundaries. Borders. Your car. Your home. Your country. All the
while your true enemy could very well be considered already here among you. Well I
am here to let that enemy go. Because there's a border you didn't even know
existed. It's the border to the Universe. And unlike your other borders, you
humans didn't set this border up to keep other planets from you. It was set up by
others, to keep you away from them. Until npw. Because I have been sent here to
open the door. To present you, so to speak, with the key to the universe.
People are speechless. Astounded. Awestruck. Jay watches, interested. Kay rolls
his eyes.
YAZ (CONTINUING)
Why, you might ask? Because you're ready. Because you've finally gone as far as
you can go without it.
PRESIDENT
If I may, air... what exactly are you
offering?
YAZ
A good question. And a simple answer. No more hunger. No more smog. No more
overpopulation. No more war.
PRESIDENT
And I assume you're bringing this to us because we're the most powerful country on
the planet...
YAZ
That and, well... I want my friends to see me on CNN. (more)
69
YAZ (CONTINUING)
(off chuckles)
okay, I will admit it: ours il an illegal hookup. We'll gladly Ru . when you can
get your trucks out to install it.
There's still more laughter. Not from Kay, of course, who clears his throat and
stands. Heads turn.
KAY
Pardon me. I hate to break up this
lovely little
190
group hug, but we
people aren't ready for what we have
How is this going to help?
YAZ
How could it not?
KAY
Why don't you ask the Mosebacke?
(off murmers of confusion)
Brazil. Until 44 years ago they ate with their hands, lived in huts, and didn't
even know the rest of the world existed. 44 years ago a wellintentioned missionary
gave them a fork. Today, they don't exist.
YAZ
come on n
fa0
ow. People are smart.
KAY
No-- a Rerson is smart. PeoRle are
dumb.
(as the group starts to
murmer protests)
And the more people you put together, the dumber they get. And you know that.
Kay sits. Around them, people are very uneasy. They apologize tc Yaz, try to
offer him signs of support.
PRESIDENT
(trying to quell things)
Excuse me--
JAY
(stands)
Excuse MS. Um, sorry to interrupt you, Mr. President-- and, by the way, it's an
honor, air-- but... Mr. Yaz. If there's nothing to be afraid of, why did all the
other*aliens leave?
71
INT. PENTAGON HALLWAY A MOMM IATER DAY
Jay and Kay are "ushered" away from the meeting by security guards.
KAY
"Perhaps we shoulld take a lesson from
our dinosaurs..."
JAY
I dunno, man. Maybe we should.
Kay looks daggers at him, then they are forced out of the building--
EXT. BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
where they are MOBBED by the reporters.
KAY
(to Jay)
What the hell are you talking about?
VARIOUS REPORTERS
can you confirm-rumors--? Excuse me!
IS there an alien in our--? Etc.
KAY
We don't know anything.
JAY
(to Kay)
I mean... things @ different. I'm not saying it's your fault. But they're
different now. He made it that way.
REPORTER
But you were just-.in--
KAY
E& don't @w a
They push through the throng, and we CUT TO:
INT. INS BUILDING - HALLWAY LEADING FROM MAIN LOBBY MOVING,
We're in the "regular" part of the INS building-- the part that houses the regular
INS staff. Jay and Kay swiftly stride down-the hallway with Zed, heading toward
their section of the building.
As they go, they pass office after office, where EVERYONE is watching TV or
listening to the radio or talking about the big news
72
ZED
As far as I can tell, the guy's what he says he is-- alone, and unarmed. All he
wants is five minutes to introduce himself to the public.
KAY
Where's he making his big speech?
ZED
They haven't announced it yet. All I know is we're in motion for the mostwatched
media event in history.
They pass an office where excited Agents and Secretaries and Workert -single as
they never do, all watching BERNIE SHAW on CNN.
BERNIE SHAW (ON CNN) Well, it's been officially confirmed... I mean-- it really has.
.. wow. Forgive me, but it's true: we've had... contact. With an intelligent life
form from another planet...
JAY
CNN... Maybe his drean'll come true.
ZED
Yeah. His dream and our worst
nightmare.
JAY
You know, there's something we never
really thought of...
They enter--
INT. INS BUILDING - SPECIAL SERVICES OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
The Men in Black office is empty. That is, there are no aliens to speak of. Kay
moves to his cubicle. Jay and Zed follow behind him
KAY
Oh, yeah? Fill us in, why don't you.
JAY
What if he's telling the truth?
KAY
You know something? I actually never = think of that. I gotta get some coffee.
DEE (OFF SCREEN)
I'll get it for you, Kay.
73
They turn. Due a standing in the doorway.
DEE
'Hell, I may as well do something
useful.
KAY
Doe, you've been useful for 50 years. We're clueless, you're tired. Why don't you
go home and get some rest.
DEE
Home? You gotta be kidding me.
(then)
Black?
Kay hesitates. Then nods. Dee looks at Jay and Zed.
JAY
Sure.
ZED
Me, too. I feel a long day coming
on.
KAY
Let's hope so. Cause I feel a short day coming on, and it scares the hell out of
me.
Dee crosses into:
THE BACK ROOM
Where he walks past the QUARANTINE ROOM, where there's a large HOLE in the glass
where the "insect" Laurel had found had been kept. WE HOLD on it for a beat before
CUTTING OVER TO:
THE "WATERING HOLE"
Where Dee sets the first cup down and starts to pour the second. AE he does
something drips into the already-poured f irst cup.
He pauses. Looks up. Sees nothing unusual. Then returns to pouring the second
cup. He sets it down. NOT NOTICING THAT:
The ceilina above him is shiftina, slightly.
OUT IN THE CUBICLE AREA - SAKE
Kay punches in at his computer, desperate, looking for anything. Jay has not
dropped wha
190
t he was just referring to.
JAY
Kay--
74
KAY
Hang on. There's gotta be something
on this guy.
(to Zed)
Did you contact the Alliance? Do
they have anything?
ZED
I put word out-- you know how long it
takes to get the signals across.
JAY
Kay. Seriously. What if he actually
means what he says?
KAY
He's here to hel2!?
JAY
Yes. Well, in his own mind, yeah. What if, from his point of**view,
fa0
he is?
KAY
How does that help Ml?
JAY
Well... if you think about it, then it would mean that maybe everything he's saying
is true.
Kay abandons his computer, whirls in his chair.
KAY
Great. Fine. Listen, why don't we call the pentagon, maybe they'll take you back
with the new age wellwishers. I'll stay here and go extinct with the dinosaurs.
JAY
Kay. All I'm saying--
KAY
I know what you're saying. And I'm
telling you I don't trust him--
JAY
I know you don't trust him. You
don't trust anybody--
KAY
Cause I've been doing this thirty years and if I don't know when something doesn't
feel right by now--
75
JAY
That's my point. For thirty years you've been looking through things and under
things and behind things. -well what I'm saying is maybe this is a time where you
should look right at things. He said our enemy in already here. Well maybe it is.
Maybe our enemy is, literally, already here.
There's a pause.
Sudde passe- through Kay's mind.
And h really serious.
He looks at Jay. Looks like he's going to him.
star:s moving toward him. Jay starts to back up.
JAY
What? Kay, come on, man--
IN THE BACK ROOM - SAME
Dee pours the third cup of coffee when --
There's another drip. He looks up. Sees nothing.
Looks back at the coffee.
Something viscous and green is floating in one of the cups.
He starts to get nervous.
BACK IN THE CUBICLE AREA - SAME
Kay continues to move toward Jay... and Jay continues to back towar the center of
the room.
JAY
Look, I don't blame you-- you've been working hard-- but-- seriously, man-- Kay!--
But just when it looks like Kay is right on top of Jay, Kay continues right @ bin.
Jay whirls.
JAY
What are you doing?
KAY
Everything left the planet, right?
Except one thing.
(to Zed)
That little insect-- the one we found in Sudbury. Did it leave when everything
else left?
76
ZED
Well, it wasn't in the jar...
KAY
leave?
ZED
Actually, I don't know...
KAY
B=.
And Kay accelerates into a full run toward-THE BACK ROOM - BACK IN THE WATERING
HOLEN
Where Dee grabs the three cups of steaming black coffee when something drips again--
this time landing in a big splotch right in front of him. And he looks up.
And this time he sees the ceiling shift-- cause it's shifting a lot.
And suddenly a FIGURE begins to emerge from within it-- like those 3-D prints that
take a while for your eyes to find the image...
And then TEETH begin to emerge from the figure...
DEE
Oh my Lord...
And a CREATURE begins to emerge around the teeth (imagine a huge insect which still
retains the pattern of the wallpaper against which it was perched) and, as--
KAY
bursts into the room--
KAY
Dee! Dee, get out of there!
It's too late, because--
IN THE BACK ROOM
The CREATURE LEAPS OFF and lunges toward Dee, who turns and trips, spewing the
piping hot coffee on the, floor in front of him.
Kay quickly pulls his Edna as--
The creature ATTACKS, quickly and horrifically devouring Deals entire lower torso.
Dee cries out in pain as--
DEE
AHHHH!
Kay FIRES but MISSES because-- in less than two seconds--
The creature has qUJC)ay WJTATED INTO TWO IDENTICAL CRPATURRS., That's right--
where there was one, there's now Up.
Jay and Zed rush in and recoil in horror as--
Kay fires again and-- BLAM BLKM' The two hideous bugs fall splatting against the
back wall: dead.
Then he and Jay and Zed rush to Doe, whose consciousness is draining with his blood.
KAY
Dee. Goddamnit. I told you to go
home.
DEE
Kay...
And Deals eyes glaze over.. Kay looks up.
KAY
Sudbury.
And we CUT TO:
INT. LAUREL WEAVERIS OFFICE - DAY
@ SKALL TV is playing in the corner of Laurells office, with the incessant alien
coverage blabbering on low volume.
BERNIE SHAW (ON CNN)
... President has assured us that the alien il friendly and will be speaking to us
at,a time and place as yet to be announced...
-v@
This small bug-- the Andean'Mollatoosa which Dave had given her-sits on the desk as
she works fervently at her desk. She pays absolutely
190
no attention tq,_the TV.
Suddenly there's a knock and before laurel can even respond--
THE DOOR
flies open and Kay and Jay burst in. Laurel whirls in her chair--
LAUREL
Hang on-- ARHH!
JAY
(with a hope for
recognition)
Hi...
But she just looks through them, with those hazy, work-filled eyes.
78
RAY
We need to talk to you about the
alien.
LAUREL
The @??
JAY
The alien? You haven't heard?
fa0
(a slight smile)
Kay, she hasn't heard.
(to Laurel)
It's on the TV. Right neict to you.
Laurel, still dazed from working and a bit stunned from the
intrusion, turns her head and gazes at the small screen on her desk.
LAUREL
That's Bernie Shaw. What are you
saying? Who @ you people?
Then Bernie says:
BERNIIE SHAW
... nobody knows just what planet or galaxy the alien comes from but...
And Laurel turns back to the Men in Black. Then she looks at her Andean Mollatoosa.
Shakes her hiad. Picks up the bug.
LAUREL
Once-- just once-- I thought I'd made
the discovery of a lifetime...
JAY
Actually, you may have.
KAY
We need you to show us where you
found it.
EXT. FIELD IN THE WOODS - DAY
They trudge along an unused path through overgrown weeds and brush.
LAUREL
It's hard to find. It's an old civil war cemetery. Nobody ever goes there. So...
what is it you say you do?
JAY
I guess you could say we're
entopologists. of a sort.
79
LHUREL
I don't think so.
(re Ray)
I mean, him, he could be a scientist,
maybe. But M...
(re Jay)
Exterminator, I'd understand. But
entopolgist? No way.
JAY
Why not?
IAUREL
Well, first of all, it's entomologist.
Kay pulls out a METER of sorts. Gets a reading on it.
KAY
I show nothing on the infra-red. No
sign of life...
They approach an old wire fence. It's covered in weeds. There's ar old sign
indicating a ceifietary. it's kind of creepy. They keep going. Kay holds the
meter out. Still no reading.
KAY
Which way? LAUREL
Seriously. I'm not going any further
until you tell who you are.
Exasperated, Kay sighs, turns to Laurel. Pulls out his neuralyser.
KAY
We're an ultra-elite, top secret organization which monitors alien activity on the
planet earth.
LAUREL
(beat)
No kidding. Really?
(re Jay)
Him, too?
(off Jay's nod)
There's not some... I don't know... level you have to be above, or anything?
(then)
The cemetary's up there, by the way.
(re neuralyser)
And, if you don't mind, could you put that thing away? It gives me the creeps.
so
They look up the incline: about 50 yards away is an overgrown old cemetery. They
start toward it... and we CUT TO:
E)cT. WASHINGTON D.C. - ROOFTOP OF THE INS BUILDING DAY An amazing ANTENNA reaches
toward the sky.
ZEDIS VOICE (OVER)
Holy shit...
We HEAR a COMPUTER PRINTING OUT and we TILT DOWN the length of the antenna and CUT
INSIDE TO:
INT. INS OFFICE - SPECIAL SERVICES, INTERGALACTIC BUREAU SAME
The antenna continues down from the roof and through the ceiling and then
terminates in a COMPUTER, which prints out in front of Zed.
ZED (CONTINUING@ Jesus Christ...
As zed grabs his radio, Vs CUT TO:
EXT. WOODS - NEARING THE OLD GRAVEYARD
Jay and Kay and Laurel are making their way up the incline...
LAUREL
(re the sloping ground)
You know, I gotta say something, I don't think this hill was here two days ago.
Kay hears his radio squalk and Zed comes on the line.
ZEDIS VOICE (ON RADIO)
Kay! Kayi pick up!
Kay grabs his radio. And we INTERCUT between Zed and the three of them as the
mount the rise toward the cemetery.
KAY
Yeah? What's up?
ZED
I got a planet check on that bug. It's from way the hell out in the third belt.
it's organic, formed in the same blast that made our solar system.
As Zed is speaking, Laurel and Jay and Ray have reached the crest of the rise and
are now able to so* into the graveyard. Laurel stops first.,,,Jay stops next.
Then Kay.
ZED (CONTINUING)
And get this: you know how humans evolved from primates? Well guess what the
dominant life form on planet evolved from?
KAY
Don't tell me. Insects.
REVERSE ANGLE
What they are looking at is:
THE OLD CEMETARY
The ground sags-- as though what's under it had been hollowed out and is nearly
collapsing. And the tombstones list to the side, or toppled onto one another. But
the b" deal is:
THE 25 FOOT DIRT HILL in the center of it all. With a on the top.
ZED
How'd you know?
KAY
(to Zed)
Just a guess. But I think found a
nest.
LAUREL
I swear to God, th
190
at was not here two
days ago...
JAY
What is it?
LAUREL
It's the most amazing insect nest I've ever seen. And I'll tell you one thing, it
sure as hell ain't the Andean Mollatoosa.
JAY
But it's definitely a nest, isn't it?
LAUREL
Mnn, hey-- maybe you A= an
entopologist after all.
She starts toward it. Jay and Kay follow.
62
HINT". 25 FOOT HIGH "ANT HILL" - A 140MENT LATER
Kay and Jay and La
fa0
urel gradually make their way, with flashlights, down the hole.
In the dirt are bones, skulls, old caskets... anything that was underground when
the earth was overturned.
KAY
The dirt's fresh. It was just dug out recently. But it's odd... Zod0a records
showed nothings arrived even close to this area.
JAY
Since how long?
KAY
Since as long as we've been keeping
records...
Kay pulls out the meter again. Hits a few buttons.
KAY
Still showing no life...
JAY '
Why, if it's a nest, would the meter
not show any life?
They reach the bottom. Shine the light on:
A VAST UNDERGROUND CAVERN
It's huge, cavernous, dark. And the dirt floor is lined with THOUSANDS AND
THOUSANDS of small, viscous white SHELLS.
LAUREL
Cause it's no longer a nest.
(kneels)
These eggs are all hatched.
JAY
When?
LAUREL
It would've had to have been
recently-- within a few weeks.
JAY
So... how did they get here?
KAY
Maybe they didn't here. Maybe they've been here.
JAY
For how long?
83
KAY
(shrugs)
My guess? Longer than we've boon
around.
JAY
(looks at vast cavern)
I don't get it. The shells are so
small. How'd they dig all this out?
KAY
We saw it in the office. It went
from this big... (tiny)
to big...
(huge)
in a day.
JAY
well, if the bugs have hatched, and they're not here... then where are they?
Laurel, who is continuing to explore, calls at them...
LAUREL
Uh... guys.
Jay and Kay look at each other, then walk toward where she's standing. They arrive,
and then shine their light on what she's shining her light on:
JAY
Holy shit...
REVERSE ANGLE - THEIR POV
-They are looking toward the FAR END OF THE CAVERN, where we see, illuminated in
the very back, is a very strange sight:
A huge (almost 30 yards k4gh), cubist-- almost-surrealist-- STATUE. Only it's NOT
a statue. It's more like a COMPILATION OF BLOCKS OF WHITE STONE, piled one on top
of another.
LHUREL
What the hell is this?
They walk up to it.
KAY
It's marble.
JAY
All of it?
Kay nods. Kneels. Looks closer.
84
JAY
This is very, very odd.
They look at all the marble. It's not just blocks of stone. Some of them seen to
have been sculpted, or carved.
Kay finds one in particular. It looks like a finger.
KAY
I know what this is.
(into radio)
zed, you in?
ZEDIS VOICE
Yeah, Kay?
KAY
Did our friend announce when he's
making his speech?
ZEDIS VOICE
Noon exactly.
KAY
Did he say where?
ZEDIS VOICE
Actually, yeah--
KAY
Wouldn't happen to be the Lincoln
Memorial, would it?
ZEDIS VOICE
(beat)
How'd you know that? Kay?
KAY
Cause I think we're looking at it.
Laurel follows Kay's gazd. As does Jay. All three are now looking at:
THE PILE OF ROCKS
And now that we have a clearer context for what it is, its somewhat strewn-together
form begins to make a little more visual sense:
It's the STATUE OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN, only it's been taken apart Md rebuilt -- with
the same pieces and even in the same general order... but the pieces have been just
PILED ONE ON TOP OF THE OTHER-- to form this odd, cubist, surrealist VERSION of Ak>
e Lincoln
HOLD for a beat, then CUT TO:
E)CT. WASHINGTON MALL SAME
The Lincoln Memorial. Still there, still looking extremely Abraham Lincoln-asque as
we HEAR, amplified over the HUGE CROWD an the Washington Mall, CARL SAGAN as he
speaks to the hundreds of thousands of gathering people.
Behind him, on the stage, is the crystalline glass SPACE SHIP.
CARL SAGAN
Welcome, welcome my fellow... "earthlings." This truly I& the beginning of a new
millenium...
We PUSH IN on the memorial. And we don't see anything wrong with it. Well, maybe--
just maybe-- it might seem to shimmer a little, as though parts of it were actually
alive. But you'd have to be looking really really close. And, before we can do
that, we CUT To:
EXT. VIRGINIA - SAME
The LTD roars past at lightning speed. The regular RADIO is on, anc
is constantly supplying the continually-updating alien info.
RADIO
President is here... as well as the leaders of over seventeen
190
different nations...
JAY (V.O.)
would you call this a code 100?
KAY (V.0.)
I'd double it and add 20.
INT. LTD - SAME
Kay drives. Jay's head is g-forced back against the seat.
JAY
We have till noon, right? What time is it? --I'd look, but I can't turn my head.
KAY
It's 11:41.
Jay forces his head sideways...
JAY
Listen, Laurel... driving like this may be hard for you. My suggestion is--
fa0
86
He finally gets his head turned* and finds himself FACE TO FACE with Laurel, who,
is sitting up in her seat, having no problems at all.
IAUREL
Really nice wheels, by the way.
KAY
Wait-- listen--
RADIO
... still sequestered in his penthouse suite adjacent to the mall, where security
and...
KAY
We're gonna have to split up.
Kay pulls the car to the side of the road near people selling "I SAV THE ALIEN" t-
shirts.
40
EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - CONTINUOUS
Kay, Jay and Laurel pour'out of the car. Kay rushes to the back of the LTD and
removes some supplies from the trunk.
Behind them, we see and hear the roar of the crowd as Carl Sagan speaks about the
universe and all that it holds...
KAY
(over the noise)
I'm going to try and cut him off at the hotel. You guys get to the Memorial.
(re weapons from trunk)
Keep this stuff hidden. The last thing we need is some over-zealous Secret Service
twirp to...
JAY
do his job.
KAY
Right. Oh, and here.
Kay hands Jay an Edna and what looks very much like a SAWED OFF SHOTGUN. Jay looks
at it, impressed.
JAY
Wow... this one's cool. And it looks
just like a shotgun.
KAY
Actually, it ii a shotgun. Hold onto
it--
87
.TAY
in case I need it?
KAY
In case I need it.
Jay tucks the gun behind his back, under his suit coat.
JAY
Okay. You got it. And Key-- how do
I-- Kay?
But Kay's already cone. Laurel turns to Jay. The two of then stant in the midst
of the huge lawn and the packed crowd.
LAUP.E:,
What do we do?
JAY
What do we do?
(thinks, then)
Loean into it.
LA@L
What the hell does that mean?
JAY
Actually... I don't know.
And they start into the crowd as we CUT TO:
INT. "GREEN ROOM" TENT - SAME
Sagan's speech enters the tent two ways: it wafts through the openings, and it's on
the TV monitors which carry it LIVE on CNN.
WORLD LEADERS are gathered with the President (going over notes) an many of the
other IMPORTANT PEOPLE we saw earlier. At the moment, there is a swirl of spin-
guys and media people.
MEDIA GUY
Okay... Sagan's finishing his speech and is about to introduce the President.
(to the President)
Keep it brief. Blah blah, contact, blah blah, @ administration, blah blah... We'll
line up the Premier, the Prime Minister, the King here, Monsieur President, ici,
all of you... and... we got Yaz making his big entrance--
(to OTHER SUITS)
He still coming in histglass ship-
thing?
(more) -o
MEDIA GUY (CONTINUING)
(off their nods)
Okay... and...
40 (into a walkie talkie)
What's the ETA on the Yazater?
CUT TO: INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - PENTHOUSE - SAME
LINED with security. At the head of the line another MEDIA GUY listens to his
walkie talkie. The Media Guy knocks on Yazls door-door with a huge Do NOT DISTURB
sign.
MEDIA GUY
Sir?
YAZ'S VOICE (FROM INSIDE)
Two minutes.
MEDIA GUY
(into valkie talkie)
We're right on schedule.
Meanwhile--
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HOTEL
Kay moves into the lobby, where he is immediately stopped by SECURITY. They
surround him with guns.
GUARD #16
Hold it.
KAY
(removing Carte Noire)
INS-- Special Services. I need to--
Kay inserts the Carte Noire into the security slot. A readout says "TERMINATE
CARDHOLDER." The Security People are on him instantly.
GUARD #4
Hands up. NOW.
KAY
Fine. Oh-- here-- you may want this,
too.
What was "this"' It's a NITROGENIZER. And instantly the ENTIRE SECURITY UNIT IS
FROZEN SOLID.
Kay moves through the now-mannequined lobby, toward the elevator, and we CUT TO:
EXT. WASHINGTON HALL ON STAGE - SAME
Sagan wrap* up his speech and turns to the aid*... gets the *OK" from the events
crew people, then turns back to "a audience.
CARL SOLGAN
And now... it is my @reme pleasure
to introduce...
IN THE GREEN ROOM TENT - SAME
CARL SAGAN (ON TV)
the President of the Un--
MEDIA GUY
The door opens and the line of Important People begins to file out.
IN THE DENSE CROWD
WILD CHEERS! Laurel and.Jay fight through the throngs. It's tough to maneuver.
JAY
(yelling)
We gotta get
190
closer-- I don't even
have a shot from here...
Jay shoves a GUY in a "LOVE EVERYBODY" t-shirt aside and pushes on.
GUY IN "LOVE EVERYBODY" T-SHIRT Hey! Fuck you, asshole!
INT. PENTHOUSE HALLWAY
GUARDS, hearing something, TURN and FREEZE, guns drawn.
That's cause Kay is rounding the corner onto the floor...
He hurries past the guards and reaches the "DO NOT DISTURB" sign oi the door.
Which h
fa0
e opens.
Revealing:
INT. YAZIS SUITE - CONTINUOUS
it's covered with and literally dripping in goo. Waxy, gloppy, drippy, green
substance hangs from the ceiling and covers ev @ wall. There are combs and
vestibules and very little furniture is
left visible.
Ray ontors. Looks around. Sees some kind of WEBBING-- like the kind spiders use
to trap food.
And you c an tell Yaz had ordered roca service, cause there's an uneaten, full room
service cart...
... and a HALF-EATEN BELLMAN, wrapped in a white webbing.
There's a TV on, broacasting the continuing good nova...
THE PRESIDENT
an answer to a prayer that each and every one of us has shared...
Then the sound of a BLOW DRYER drowns the sound of the TV.
Kay moves across the room. Toward:
THE BATHROOM
in which we can now see...
YAZ ... putting the finishing touches on his nicely coifed human hair. He combs,
dries, combs, dries.
Then sets the drier down and does a 70's David Cassidy "flip" of hi! bangs.
Notices something in the mirror.
It's Kay, standing in the doorway, gun drawn.
KAY
(re the ubiquitous goo)
Gonna have to leave a hell of a tip
for the maid.
YAZ
Yes, well, as you see, I left a hell
of a tip 21 the Bellboy.
Yaz starts to move.
KAY
DON'T MOVE.
Yaz smiles. And seems to disappear.
Kay turns. Looks. He can't see Yaz anywhere.
Then Kay is tapped on the shoulder.
And Yaz is standing behind him, smiling, now arasring onto Kay'& =. Kay turns.
Looks at Yaz, standing above him.
Kay, slowly and secretly, begins to inch his fingers toward his bel as Yaz begins
to circle him.
YAZ
Canoflauge. Welr* very, very, very
-@.,good at it. This xkin. This hair.
This English-- the very noises I an making, right now, word, and
one-- it's just... camoflauge. All designed to make you humans feel "okay" about
me. Sure, it's a bit more sophisticated than you're used to-- but I'M FROM ANOTHER
PLANET. WE CAN DO THIS.
Kay suddenly PULLS ANOTHER GUN. And FIRES.
But just as he does--
YAZ DISAPP . Again. And Kay ends up only blasting a hole in the penthouse mini-bar.
Kay turns... stalking... the barrel of his Edna rifle shifting as his eyei shift...
KAY
Not bad. Briliiant, actually. You come unarmed, and alone. Cause your army's
been growing underground for-what? 100 years? 150?
YAZ (O.S.)
Give or take. It was right around your civil war, I think, when I was here last.
We were waiting till your planet was warm enough.
Yaz suddenly APPEARS on the BED, plucking a finger from the halfeaten bellman and
chewing it as though it were a grape.
YAZ (CONTINUING)
Simple biology. And, unfortunately,because of its simplicity, it's something far
too complex for you to stop.
Kay wheels, FIRES... and rips down out of the pillows...
YAZ (O.S.)
Worse than trying to nab one of those pesky mosquitos in the middle of the night,
isn't it?
OUTSIDE - ON THE MALL - SAME
Jay's radio squalks and Zed comes on. It's hard for them to talk over the
President's continuing upbeat speech and the wild INC
of the crowd.
92
ZED's VOICE
I finally heard from the Alliance.
-...These guys are serious--
JAY
(over din)
No shit--
ZEDIS VOICE
They've been to 13 planets so far this millenium. Apparently the insects, if you
can call them that, respond to FEAR.
JAY
(over crowd cheers)
What?
ZEDIS VOICE
They're BLIND--
LAUREL
Pheromones! Like how a bee knows
you're angry oi afraid.
JAY
Great. So it'll be easy-- just tell everybody not to be afraid, and we're fine. 13
planets, huh? What's his record?
ZEDIS VOICE
You don't wanna know. He's 13 and 0.
Jay looks one more time at the Memorial. Sitting there. Barely moving...
JAY
is it my eyes... or is that thing a
little...
LAUREL
Out of focus?
They squint. As they do, we PUSH IN FROM THEIR POV.
THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL does, actually, look a little less... delineated. As if,
perhaps, it were not made up of rocks, but, say... things which are &live.
INT. YAZIS HOTEL SUITE - SAME
Kay stands in the room, holding his clun... searching, sta
190
lking. The President
continues on the TV...
93
PRESIDENT (ON TV)
For so long we've searched the skies for an answer... and finally, the skies have
responded...
... and Kay shatters the now-smoking set.
YAZ (O.S.)
couldn't agree with you more. I find it so depressing, the human's lazy, misguided
wish that their problems would just... end.
He then APPEARS back in the bathroom, checking h
fa0
is teeth.
YAZ (CONTINUING)
You know, sometimes I have to remind myself-- when I almost start to actually feel
sorry for you-- that this il a charity mission. That I am, in fact, here on a
mission of goodwill.
He disappears again. Kai keeps moving...
KAY
Goodwill...
YAZ (O.S.)
Most entirely. Earth has been overrun with an infestation of a species which, in
order for the planet to survive, must be exterminated.
He APPEARS again... standing behind Kay and HOLDING KAY'S GUN, again.
YAZ (CONTINUING)
That species to which I am referring
is, of course, you humans.
(re gun tug of war)
Mr. Kay. Seriously. Any schoolboy knows that an insect can lift two hundred times
his own weight.
And he simply takes the gun from Kay's hands.
YAZ (CONTINUING)
And that it's the insects, truly, which your planet can not do without...
Kay suddenly senses something and looks down.
A sticky, white, stringy substance is starting to form at his feet.
94
And he can not move. Ho looks up.
YAZ (CONTINUING)
And which, of course, will be around far, far longer than any of you. Certainly
longer than you, personally, will be.
And with that--
Yaz suddenly UNHINGES HIS JAW like a boa constrictor and, as only a malevolent
being from the other side of the galaxy can do...
... Yaz opens his mouth SIX FEET WIDE... throws his L4DNG TONGUE out and around Kay
and in one brief but horrifying instant, he SUCKS NAi
INTO HIS MOUTH...
YAZ
(mouth full)
Sorry. But in the battle between brains and instinct... the sucker bet's on the
brains.
And he swallows. And we'CUT TO:
EXT. STAGE/CROWD/WASHINGTON
WILD CHEERS as Laurel and Jay push their way forward and--
THE PRESIDENT (AMPLIFIED)
(grandly gestures)
And now I am humbled and proud to
announce
JAY
(over noise)
Where' a &a?
EXT. BALOCONY OF HIS PENTHOUSE SUITE - SAME
Yaz-- now 15 feet tell-- steps out into the bright sunlight, H the CHEERING from
the CROWD just a short ways away...
And steps over to his CRYSTALLINE GLKSS SPACESHIP, which glints in the sun on the
other side of the balcony...
THE PRESIDENTIS AMPLIFIED VOICE (wafting over Washington)
... one small step for, well, for someone who looks like a man...
95
IN THE CROWD
Jay and Laurel move closer toward the stage, and to the Lincoln Memorial.. Laurel
taps Jay on the shoulder. Points down.
LAUREL+
Jay.
Suddenly--
FLOWERS are growing. Just spouting up from the ground. Beautiful, colorful
flowers.
People pick them. Cheer.
PRESIDENT
And one giant leap for... (TOTALLY DROWNED OUT BY CHEERS)
Here he is, ladies and Gentlemen
one looks 112 to--
THE SKY
where, bathed in sunlight and with a rainbow as an exhaust trail...
THE CRYSTALLINE GLASS SPACESHIP
Begins its quiet, peaceful, perfectly executed descent.
VARIOUS SHOTS
We see it on TV. We see people watching it on TV. We note the skepticism, the
wonder, the amazement... as:
EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - ON STAGE
The President, the World Leaders-- EVERYONE-- watches, thrilled, except--
JAY AND IAUREL
Who push past people and rush up toward--
THE STAGE
Where door of the ship opens. And...
YAZ emerges, tall and handsome and winning.
WILD PANDEMONIUM. Absolute frenzy from the crowd, as-He approaches the microphone.
96
YAZ
I am her* on a mission of goodwill.
More CHEERS. Yaz quiets them. It takes a moment, but he does it.
YAZ (CONTINUING)
When a farmer has an infestation of, say, aphids, sometimes all it taken are a few
ladybugs to get rid of the problem. Well, earth, too, has an infestation...
people become silent. Everybody want to hear this. In fact, it gets so quiet that
people can HEAR ONE SINGLE VOICE from the crowd:
JAY (O.S.)
Not necessarily.
Suddenly Yaz stops. Looks down.
JAY is standing below him, pointing his Edna right at him.
of course, instantly SECURITY is MOVING and almost fires when--
YAZ
(quickly interjects)
No no. Please! He won't shoot.
VARIOUS SHOTS - ALL AROUND THE GLOBE
Everywhere people are watching TV, they are now watching a shot of the ma
190
ll, the
alien, and ONE LITTLE MAN standing below him holding a gun. And the alien isn't
bothered in the least.
CONTINUING - LIVE:
JAY
How can you be so sure?
YAZ
Easy.
Suddenly -- and right in front of everybody-- Yaz unbuttons his shirt and RIPS HIS
CHEST OPEN, REVEALING:
INSIDE HIM-- suspended in a now-open pouch in the center of his body, writhing and
squirming and now finally able to GAS
fa0
P for air...
... is Kay.
KAY
Do IT! SHOOT HIM!
97
JAY
Kay! ?
YAZ
Not so sure yourself any more, are you? Huh? Well, what does you brain tell you
to do now? Wall, guess what? IT DOESN'T MATTER ANY MORE.
ALL AROUND
People are shocked. Some start to scream. The panic picks up momentum as there's
a quickly rising wave of fear rippling audibly across the field of people and then--
yaz smiles and--
IT HAPPENS. Yaz emits a loud, shrill, piercing BLEAT, and--
THE L!ENCOLN MEMORIAL
suddenly BURSTS APART into THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF SCREECHING, HORRIFYING
"INSECTS", causing--
ON STAGE
Everyone who was there the President, the World laaders -- to be thrown hurtling
off into:
THE CROWD
Which has instantly been transformed into a screaming, panicked mar of terrified
humans.
Laurel and Jay are blown by the force backwards and into the frenzied swirl of
thousands of running, tripping feet.
The President runs through the crowd, just as scared as everyone else. So do all
the other world leaders.
ALL AROUND
Creatures surface from everywhere, attracted to the zillions of fei pheromones
being emmitted by the frenzied, panicked mass.
Highly adapted to camoflauge as they are, the "insects" are very difficult to see
until the instant they attack. As they pass things-- telephone poles, first aid
tents, even other people-- the are able to take on similar colors and shapes
(remember when we sa the little one in Laurelis office-- and then saw it bigger and
fiercer when it ate Dee and multiplied). So, therefore:
People diva into cars for safety. But when one person opens a car door, he finds
it's not a door-- it's a WING, and as soon as he .pulls it, the FRONT GRILLE of the
car turns and reveals itself to be TEETH, and-Me bar itself literally devours the
person-- then it MULTIPLIES into TWO creatures which, in turn, lurch after other
screaming passersby. What looks like a low-hanging CL4DUD attacks someone.
Someone runs into a building which isn't a building at all. -The entire first aid
tent eats five people and multiplies. And in the middle of it all:
INTERCUT YAZ
Who is smiling triumphantly. The calm at the eye of the storm.
YAZ
Well. I couldn't have asked for it to go Pny more smoothly than that, could I? Now
what?
(looks at his watch)
Oh, good. I can make it home and see
how the rest of the 67 World Series
turns out. 4w
He rubs his hands together-- a job well done. And turns toward the ship, which
waits for him, untouched, on the stage.
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FRENZIED, PANICKED CROWD
Jay and Laurel roust each other. Have to yell over the pandemonium.
LAUREL
Jay! Jay, what can we do?
JAY
Okay. If you've got a bug problem-a big one. And they're swarming and there's no
way to shoot them all individually... how do you get rid of them?
LAUREL
The only thing I could think of would be... you'd have to get rid of the queen.
JAY
What if you have the foggiest clue as
to where the queen is?
LAUREL
Are you sure you don't?
There's a brief pause. Then the two of them look back up toward...
THE STAGE - NEAR HIS SHIP
Where Yaz is now mounting the steps, smug and self-congratulatory.
99
YAZ
And now, unfortunately, I must bid you all farewell. Thank you all very, very,
very such...
He closes his skin back up... as--
INSIDE OF HIM - SAME
The INNER WORKINGS of Yazls digestive system start to secrete all sorts of acidic,
gastric substance.
Kay tries to kick and punch and flail... and--
OUT IN THE CROWD
Jay looks at Laurel. She looks at him. Jay grabs his Edna--
LAUREL
What are you doing?
JAY '
They respond to fear, right?
LAUREL
Yeah ... ? JAY
Well I'm going to give them something
to be afraid of.
And they start up toward the stage. Jay taking shots-- BLAM BLAM -- BIAM -- at
bugs, as--
ALL AROUND THE WORLD - SERIES OF SHOTS
it is mass pandemonium. In China. Japan. France. Anywhere they have a TV people
are terrified. People run out of stores and dash madly through the st
190
reets. Lock
and bolt windows. Lock car doors Stuff furniture into their chimneys. Block every
possible opening
VARIOUS REPORTERS
In various languages say variations, on:
REPORTERS #46-59
The aliens are ONLY in Washington.
Repeat: at the moment, they are ONLY
IN WASHINGTON.
REPORTER #82
But they're multiplying. They seem to be geometrically increasing in number.
100
REPO 104
... increasing
e00
at a rate which would
mean that...
(turns to colleague)
How much time before there's one for
every person on the planet?
REPORTER #104'S COT.TRRGUE
At this rate it would be... (finishes calculations) Twenty minutes.
CUT TO: MORE PANIC. Screaming. Frenzy. The worst nightmare of any human,
anywhere, at any time. All around the world.
EXT. WASHINGTON HALL/ON STAGE/ALL AROUND
AS the crowd dives and runs and screamn and leaps into the water--
ON THE STAGE
Yaz, stopping at the top of his ship to take one last survey of the melee of
destruction helk set in motion... sees:
JAY, standing below him, pointing his gun.
YAZ
YOU don't give up, do you?
And Yaz-- with a simple, and quick-- flick of his tongue... dislodges Jay's gun
from Jay's outstretched hands.
It was so simple, it would seem as if Jay had almost wanted him to do that.
Yaz turns to enter his ship. When Jay calls out to him.
JAY
Hey. Yaz.
YAZ
(turns)
Yes'?
Jay's nervous. We see him standing there. Trying something. what we don't know.
But he's giving it all he's got.
JAY
You... you think you're pretty
goddamn smart, don't you?
101
YAZ
(snickers derisively)
"Think." "God." "Smart." Such
misguided human concepts, all of
them. +
JAY
Yeah... well... 90 to hall.
whatever Jay's trying, it looks lame. To us, to Yaz. To Laurel, who has arrived
at the base of the stage.
YAZ
"Hell?" Again, I'm afraid I don't
quite grasp such a petty human
notion.
(annoyed, turning back)
Now, if you're through with your
childish name-cAlling..
JAY
No. I'm not through. YU.
Yaz is starting to get rdally frustrated. Especitlly when Jay says:
JAY
me, you slithering, slimy,
pathetic little bug.
Yaz just rolls his eyes. Sighs.
YAZ
Fine. It would be my pleasure--
And HE DOES-- UNHINGING HIS@JAW and WRAPPING HIS TONGUE AROUND JAY
and as Laurel yells--
LAUREL
Jay!? What the hell are you doing!?
Yaz opens his mouth huge and wide and says...
YAZ
People. Never can eat just one.
And he sucks Jay back into his mouth and, as--
LAUREL
Screams and--
ALL AROUND THE MALL
it's pandemonium...
102
ON STAGE
Yaz enter& his ship and--
INSIDE OF YAZ
Jay falls through the slick, viscous, disgusting, slimy gullet of Yaz, upside down,
where he slithers into--
THAT POUCH
in which Kay is also lodged.
Through the thick goo they manage to make contact. Kay looks pelit, weak from
holding his breath, and a little surprised to see him.
And Jay is...
... SMILING!?
In fact, he even gives Kay the thumbs-up.
Then he notions-- slowly, because the fluid is thick in here-- for Kay to 'hang on
a sec" while Jay reaches behind his back and pulls out...
KAY'S SHOTGUN,
Kay looks at Jay through the dense, viscous fluid. Jay smiles. Hands Kay his gun.
ON STAGE - SAME
Yaz sits at the controls. Is about to start the engine... when he hears what
SOUNDS like the 14UFFLED CH-CHOCK of a shotgun cocking... as--
INSIDE OF YAIZ
Kay PULLS THE TRIGGER and--
AL-BL-AL-B ! -- KU BLASTS Xa MO INSIDE
WIDE SHOT
inside the glass ship, as XIZ expodge outward, the force causes the glass ship to
explode as well.
And as pieces of Yaz fly every which way...
Kay and Jay drop out from inside him, covered in goo and glass and innards. They
fall with a clunk onto the stage.
Laurel-- bathed in goo from the explosion-- rushes up to them as-Key picks himself
up. Turns to Jay, who does the same.
THE END
Found on INFlow Screenplay Repository
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