Letterkenny
Season 1, Episode 1
"Ain’t No Reason to Get Excited"

WAYNE:    A couple hockey players come up to the produce stand the other day.

(MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO)
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

KATY:     Bye!
DARY:     Can't believe your sister's still dating these nut sacks.
KATY:     Wayne.
WAYNE:    How're you now?
KATY:     Good and you?
WAYNE:    Not so bad.
DARYL:    Hi, Katy.
KATY:     Go home, Daryl.
REILLY:   Nice onesie. Does it come in men's?
WAYNE:    Oh, I think you cum in men enough for all of us.
REILLY:   I think you better come in my . . . I mean, you better come . . .
JONESY:   I think you better come say that to his face, you fucking hicks!
DARYL:    Nice execution.
WAYNE:    You're doin' terrific.
JONESY:   Hey, I heard about your break-up, buddy.
REILLY:   She was your sweetie for five years, right?
JONESY:   Your high school sweetie, right?
WAYNE:    What's it to ya?
JONESY:   Heard she cheated on you, buddy.
REILLY:   That's a real kick in the knackers, bro.
JONESY:   Just a real ouchie, bro.
REILLY:   It's too bad she taught you not to fight anymore, buddy.
JONESY:   'Cause that's a fight on sight for you and her new guy, buddy.
REILLY:   Fourth line for life, bro.
WAYNE:    Maybe if you'd ever been in a real fight, you might not be so keen for another.
REILLY:   What did you say?
WAYNE:    You heard me.
REILLY:   Hold my spitter.
REILLY:   Darts off, boys.
REILLY:   You looking for a tilly, buddy? Let's have a donnybrook.
DARYL:    Pump the brakes. You take your shirt off, but leave your sunglasses on?
WAYNE:    What sort of backwards fuckin' pageantry is that?
DARYL:    Do you want to fight with those shades or play pokerstars.com?
JONESY:   Hold my spitter.
REILLY:   Dude, I can't hold your spitter, you're holding my spitter. Just put the spitters down.
WAYNE:    Tick-tock.
JONESY:   Go time!
REILLY:   Go time!
DARYL:    Look at that fuckin' treasure trail.
WAYNE:    What's up with your fuckin' body hair, big shoots. You look like a 12-year-old Dutch girl. Your aesthetician quaff that for you?
DARYL:    You can kiss my ass-thetician. You guys do cross fit?
WAYNE:    You can cross-fuck-off.
DARYL:    Cross fart. How many times you pulled your horn today, bud?
REILLY:   What?
DARYL:    Oh, she's bashful.
WAYNE:    Oh, come on, kitten. I won't tell anyone. Ball park six to eight? You're a fucking animal.
DARYL:    Play a little five on one.
WAYNE:    Hit the kitchen, mix a batch.
DARYL:    Feed the ducks.
WAYNE:    Distribute some free literature.
REILLY:   Go time!
JONESY:   Fuckin' Shed 'em!
KATY:     Reilly! Jonesy! Put your fuckin' shirts on! Get outta here!
BOTH:     This isn't over!
WAYNE:    Jinx. You owe me a Coke.
REILLY:   Never buy you a Coke.
WAYNE:    It's a hard life pickin' stones and pullin' teats but sure as God's got sandals it beats fightin' dudes with treasure trails.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)