[Jayne is trying to trade his favorite gun for Mal's new wife] Mal: She's a human being. She has a name. Jayne: So does this. I call her Vera. Wash: We'd always hoped you two kids would get together. Who is she? Mal: Who the hell are you? Saffron: What do you mean? Mal: Well, I think I was pretty clear. What are you doing on my boat? Saffron: But you know, I'm to cleave to you. Mal: To wabba who? Saffron: Did Elder Gommen not tell you... Mal: Tell me what? Who are you? Saffron: Mr. Reynolds, sir... I'm your wife. [Intro plays] Mal: Could you repeat that please? Saffron: I am your wife. That was your agreement with Elder Gamman, since he hadn't cash or livestock enough to... Mal: I'm sorry. Go back to the part where you're my wife. Saffron: I don't please you. Mal: You can't please me. You've never met me. Zoë, why do I have a wife? Mal: Hello? Woman-person? Saffron: Are you going to kill me? Mal: What? What kind of crappy planet is that? Kill you. Saffron: In the maiden's home, I heard talk of men who weren't pleased with their brides... Mal: Well, I ain't them. And don't you ever stand for that sort of thing. Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back. Saffron: I'm sorry that I shame you... Mal: You don't shame me! Zoë, would you get Wash. Zoë: [Over the PA system] This is Zoë. We need all personnel in the cargo bay. Mal: All - I said Wash! Zoë: Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day of bliss. Mal: There's no bliss! I don't know this girl. Jayne Cobb: Then can I know her? Book: [to Mal] If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater. Mal: Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back! Mal: Whoa, hey. Flesh. Um... Saffron... i-it-it ain't a question of pleasing me. It's more a question of what's... um... of what's morally right. Saffron: I do know my Bible sir. "On the night of their bethrothal, the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow and he shall work in her, in and again 'till she brings him to his fall and rest him upon the sweat of her breast." Mal: Whoa, good Bible. Wash: Every planet has it's own weird custom. About a year before we met, I spent six weeks on a moon where the principle form of recreation was juggling geese. My hand to God. Kaylee: [comforting Saffron] Oh sweetie, don't feel bad. He makes everybody cry. He's like a monster. Mal: I am not a monster! Wash, turn the ship around. Mal: Can I come in? Inara Serra: No. Mal: See, that's why I usually don't ask. Bandit: [robbing a couple on a floating wagon] You gonna give us what's due us and every damn thing else on that boat. And I think maybe you gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the missus. Jayne: Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature. Mal: [in disguise in a dress and large bonnet] How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people? Jayne: If I could make you prettier, I would. Mal: [gasps] You are not the man I met a year ago. [Mal and Jayne pull their guns on the unsuspecting bandits] Mal: Now think real hard. You've been birddoggin' this township a while now. They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you. Inara: Well, yes. So, explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress? Mal: Tactics, woman. Needed her in the back. 'Sides, them soft cotton dresses feel kinda nice. It's a whole... air-flow. Inara: And you'd know that because...? Mal: You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I'm a mystery. Inara: Oh, best keep it that way. I withdraw the question. Mal: Do you ever... wash your client's feet? Inara: [sarcastically] It's my specialty. Mal: Oh, I'm gonna go to the special hell. Saffron: Leave me at the nearest port, never look upon me again. I'll make my way with the strength that you've taught me... only let me have my wedding night. Mal: Oh, I'm gonna go to the special hell... Inara: But Mal said... you - you don't approve of my work... Saffron: Sure'n he said that to keep you from me... I was too curious about you, ever since I saw you... Inara: Come to my shuttle. Saffron: You would... you would lie with me? [Alarms go off] Inara: I guess we've lied enough. Saffron: You're good. Inara: You're amazing. Who are you? Saffron: Malcolm Reynold's widow. Mal: [about Saffron] You would've kissed her too. Zoë: Wash didn't. Mal: But she was naked and all... articulate! Wash: Okay! Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere. Saffron: Five days... we'll be together? Mal: We'll be together on the ship... but not in any... Saffron: That'll be fine. Wash: [to Mal, about his "wife"] Did she really make fresh bao? [Zoë looks angrily at him] Wash: Quaint! Zoë: Remember that sex we were planning to have *ever* again? Zoë: She can fly this thing, why just take the shuttle? Wash: Maybe she likes shuttles. [off everyone's looks] Wash: Some people juggle geese! Kaylee: It was your big makeout session that got us into this, sir. Mal: I was poisoned! Inara: You were drugged. Jayne: That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth. Inara: [about Saffron] She tried to seduce me too. Mal: Really? Did she - with - did you...? Inara: You don't play a player. Jayne: [to his gun] See Vera? Dress yourself up, you get taken out somewhere fun. Saffron: How'd you find me? Mal: Only a few places that shuttle would make it to from where you left... happy to find it intact. Saffron: You're quite a man, Malcolm Reynolds. [seductively] Saffron: I've been waiting a long time for someone good enough to take me down. Mal: Saffron, you even think about playing me again I will riddle you with holes. Saffron: Everybody plays each other. That's all anybody ever does. We play parts. Mal: If someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back! [calling his new wife] Mal: Hello? Woman-person? Mal: I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume that I'm an evil lecherous hump. Zoë: Nobody's saying that, sir. Wash: Yeah, we're pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly. Wash: [Wash being seduced by Saffron] I wish I was somebody else right now, somebody not... married, not madly in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinky. River: [in a deleted scene, to Shepherd Book] We want you to marry us. Simon: What? We... no! [pause] Simon: What? River: Two by two. Everyone has a match, a mate, a dopple. I love you. Simon: No, River... mei-mei... of course, I love you too, but we can't be married. [to Shepherd Book] Simon: She's really crazy! Simon: [River kicks Simon in the shin] Ow! Ah, no, I - I don't mean crazy... that's just - you know that's not something brothers and sisters do. I mean, on some planets, but only pretty bad ones. Mal: [from a deleted scene] More than 70 earths spinnin' about the galaxy, and the meek have inherited not a one. Mal: How drunk was I last night? Jayne: I don't know, I passed out. Mal: What's it say in there about divorce? Mal: You got the right same as anyone to... live and try to kill people. Inara Serra: I wish you hundreds of fat children. Mal: Let's ride right past the part where you explain exactly what that means. Jayne Cobb: [Mal is dressed as a woman] Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature. Mal: How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people? Jayne Cobb: If I could make you purtier, I would. Mal: You are not the man I met a year ago. Mal: Now think real hard. You been bird-dogging this township a while now. They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty flowered bonnet, I will end you. Inara Serra: Well, yes. So, explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress? Mal: Tactics, woman. Needed her in the back. 'Sides, those soft cotton dresses feel kinda nice. It's the whole... air-flow. Inara Serra: And you'd know that because...? Mal: You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I'm a mystery. Inara Serra: Let's keep it that way. I withdraw the question. Mal: Well, I think I was pretty clear. What are you doing on my boat? Saffron: But... you know I'm bequeathed to you...? Mal: To-whubba-who? Saffron: I thought last night during the ceremony that you were pleased. Mal: Well, yeah, last night I was. Had some mulled wine, pretty girl gave me a hat made out of a tree. Nobody said I was signing up to have and to hold.