The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase                      Written by David S. Cohen,
                                                                  Dan Greaney,
                                                            and Steve Tompkins
                                                      Directed by Neil Affleck
==============================================================================
Production code: 4F20                     Original Airdate on FOX: 11-May-1997
Capsule revision C (26-Feb-2000)
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis
==============================================================================
   None submitted.

   [If you use these summaries to determine if you found the right capsule,
   here's a TV Guide-like synopsis:  Troy McClure hosts this special episode,
   featuring three possible "Simpsons" spin-offs -- "Chief Wiggum, P. I.",
   "The Love-Matic Grampa", and "The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour".

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Couch:          Not this week -- we just go directly to Troy McClure's
                introduction.

==============================================================================
> Did You Notice...
==============================================================================
   ... Tim Conway runs off and doesn't participate in the pillow fight?
   ... practically nobody on a.t.s. correctly remembered the name of "The
       Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour"?

Dale G. Abersold:
   ... this is the first episode directed by Neil Affleck?
   ... One of the musicians shown when Homer is in the orchestra pit looked
       like a caricature of ["Simpsons" music director Alf] Clausen?

Don Del Grande:
   ... Chief Wiggum is no longer married in the spinoff?
   ... Chief Wiggum is first seen driving on the wrong side of the road?
   ... Ralph is "playing the spoons" by banging the backs of the spoons
       together?
   ... the gorilla head at the Mardi Gras looks like "King Homer" from the
       third Halloween special?
   ... Lisa's Mardi Gras outfit has spiked hair like her real hair?  ({mss}
       adds that it has "pearls," as well)
   ... the bulbs on the right side of the Love Tester light up higher than the
       ones on the left side?
   ... somebody put an electric outlet on a wall of urinals?
   ... new Lisa is a "sophomore prom queen five years running", a reference to
       both Lisa being older and not aging?
   ... in the beaver sketch, when they fall over, Maggie is the only one not
       to close her eyes?
   ... in the ending scene in the bed, Maggie's bow is red?

John C. Hallyburton, Jr.:
   ... When Marge and Homer are alone onstage during "The Simpson Family
       Smile-Time Variety Hour", Marge looks straight at the camera, as if
       reading the teleprompter?  Homer, on the other hand, looks left and
       right and delivers his lines as if he had memorized and rehearsed them.

Jason Hancock:
   ... the Fox programming schedule's times are Eastern?
   ... the program guide has only OFF, the X-Files, and Melrose Place?  (No
       King of the Hill or Millennium, and even the just recently canceled
       Married ... With Children was left off the schedule.)
   ... Wiggum is credited as "Chief" (as opposed to "Clancy") Wiggum?
   ... Ralph's eyes are crossed as he plays the spoons?
   ... Wiggum doesn't know his own son's age?
   ... the above-ground graves in the cemetery?  (See "Comments and
       Observations" below)
   ... the painting of a horse-mounted man holding a Confederate flag inside
       the governor's mansion?
   ... the cupid in the "Love-Matic Grampa" opening sequence looks a little
       like Homer?
   ... the "COLLEGE" pennant at Moe's?
   ... the clock at the opening of the "Simpsons Smile-Time Variety Hour"
       reads 8:20?
   ... OFF wears bell-bottoms during the "Smile-Time Variety Hour?"
   ... Marge wears a poodle skirt during the soda fountain sketch?
   ... the Generic Teenager behind the counter at the soda fountain?

Darrel Jones:
   ... all the shows Troy McClure passes on the walls are for spinoffs?  (See
       "Comments" section for more)
   ... Lisa only speaks one line the whole episode (during "Chief Wiggum
       P.I.")?  [That's two shows in a row where she has little to do -- Ed.]
   ... the scene during the opening sequence where Wiggum's nose is bitten by
       a lobster looks like an outtake from the restaurant scene?
   ... Skinner has not been in New Orleans in 42 years, no if his age of 44
       from [4F09] is correct, he left when he was only two?
   ... Skinner is a stamp collector?
   ... Betty ate escargot?  [Or threw them at Moe, at least -- Ed.]
   ... the Lisa impersonator is at least 20 years old?
   ... the Simpsons' original theme is incorporated at the end of the theme
       song?
   ... all the "Springfield Baggy-Pants Players" appear dressed in candy
       outfits at the end of the "I Want Candy" production?

Joe Klemm:
   ... this is the first episode since Treehouse of Horrors II to not have a
       couch gag?
   ... Wiggum's voice when he was on the boat?
   ... the Cupid in the Love-Matic Grandpa sketch resembles Homer a little
       bit?
   ... Maggie didn't faint when she saw the skunk?
   ... Maggie doesn't have a pacifier in the beaver sketch?

Haynes Lee:
   ... Chief Wiggum fires double-barrel shotguns more than twice?
   ... Skinner at corner of Camp & Lafayette?

Ondre Lombard:
   ... the guy Skinner is with in the "Chief Wiggum, P.I." opening appears to
       be "the son of the guy who played Huggy Bear" on Starsky and Hutch?
   ... Chief Wiggum and Ralph are listed in the "opening credits" not by their
       full names?
   ... Wiggum is a really bad shot?
   ... Skinner is not only Wiggum's working partner, he's _living_ with him,
       too?
   ... Ralph is only 10, yet his hair is thinning?
   ... Ralph never seems frightened despite being kidnapped by a strange man?
   ... how calm and chalant the woman acts despite being in a car accident?
   ... the music for the establishing shot of Le Snotterie sounds very
       60s'ish?
   ... how odd it would be that Fox would program a 70s-era variety hour for
       their primetime schedule?
   ... the little green alien says "Damn straight" the same way Jake the
       Barber does in 8F11?
   ... the transparent Fox logo disappears after the Executive Producer
       credits begin instead of before?

Dallas J. Pesola:
   ... the Superdome in the New Orleans skyline?
   ... the clock in the diner read the same time as the real time of this show
       (8:26pm EDT)?

Jonathan Pierce:
   ... the big Mardi Gras parade was not even heard a little before Chief
       Wiggum and Skinny Boy opened up the windows?
   ... when Lisa tells Wiggum that she can't wait to hear about all the
       exciting and sexy adventures, everybody's eyes are on her except Marge?
   ... when "Grandpa" talks to Moe at first, the lights don't flicker, but
       later in the episode, they do?
   ... when the "The End" pink end screen shows up in "The Love-Matic
       Grandpa", there is the Roman numeral date under the angel?
   ... the audience laughs 6 times and makes weird noises 3 times?
   ... during the "I Want Candy" song, a waiter in the background tosses Bart,
       "Lisa", and Homer their hats?

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... the schedule ignores "King of the Hill" at 8:30 to 9:00 on Sunday?
   ... the tires on Chef Prudhomme's cart were flattened?
   ... Grampa is trying to get a can of figs when he meets his maker.
   ... nobody seems to object -- or even notice -- that Moe's date goes into
       the men's' room?
   ... in the "upcoming season" stills, Homer turns Lisa into a frog?  (She
       doesn't look too happy about it, either.)

Brian F. Satterwhite:
   ... Troy's line about the show being for "Simpsons fans ... if any" in the
       introduction?

Marge Starbrod-Simpson:
   ... Cops and AMW, which have occupied the Saturday 8-9 timeslot forever and
       can't seem to be replaced, aren't on the chart?
   ... this ep was most likely written after "Martin" and "Married with
       Children" were canned?
   ... Smithers actually did a spinoff _sans Burns_ (and liked it)?

Harrison Stark:
   ... when Homer jumps on the table, he knocks a glass off?

Johnny Veitch:
   ... when Moe suggests "Ain't flowers stupid" as sweet talk Grampa does NOT
       disagree with it?
   ... Bart Beaver has a slingshot?

==============================================================================
> Voice Credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Grampa, Barney, Hans Moleman, Ozmodiar  {ol})
   - Julie Kavner (Marge, Selma)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Ralph, Kearney)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Chief Wiggum, Paul Prudhomme  {ol}, Moe)
   - Harry Shearer (Skinner, Announcer  {ol}, Kent Brockman, Judge Snyder
        {ol}, Cap'n McAllister, Jasper, Smithers)

- Special Guest Voice
   - Phil Hartman (Troy McClure)
   - Gailard Sartain (Big Daddy)
   - Tim Conway (Himself)

- Also Starring
   - Tress MacNeille (Betty  {ol})
   - Pamela Hayden (the "other" Lisa  {ol})

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + "Sanford & Son" (TV series)  {hl}
      - "Son of Sanford & Son" is a takeoff of this series

   + "Mannix" (TV series)  {hl}

   + "AfterM*A*S*H" (TV series)
      - "AfterMannix" spoofs two shows at once

   + "Magnum, P.I." (TV series)
      - title of "Chief Wiggum, P.I." borrowed from this 1980's series with
        Tom Selleck

   + "Miami Vice" (TV series)
      - Skinny Boy's look, with the white suit, pastel shirt, and beard
        stubble based on Don Johnson's character  {bjr}
      - similar Jan Hammer music theme for "Chief Wiggum, PI"  {hl}
      - Like Johnson, Wiggum lives on a houseboat in this series  {bjr}

   + "Baretta" (TV series)  {bjr}
      - Skinner chats with Huggy Bear from this 1970's series

   + "Starsky & Hutch" (TV series)  {dj}
      - character similar to Huggy Bear seen during opening sequence

   + "The Big Easy" (TV series)
      - Wiggum's boat, "The Big Queasy," parodies this New Orleans nickname

   - Gabriel Knight: Sins of the fathers (computer game)  {rj}
      - The cemetery looks exactly like the one from the game

   - "Live and Let Die"  {hl}
      - boat chase through New Orleans bayou

   + "Charlie's Angels" (TV series)  {hl}
      - the exhibit that Troy McClure, uh, admires is from this series.  It
        features "angels" Farrah, Kate, & Jaclyn

   + "My Mother the Car" (TV series)  {bjr}
      - the spirit of the main character's mother occupies an antique car
        (yes, really), like Grampa "living" in the love tester

   - "The Nanny" (TV series)  {bjr}
      - a stylized animation sequence sets up the premise of the show

   - "I Dream of Jeannie"  (TV series)  {rj}
      - The Love-Matic opening is very similar to the opening of the show

   + "Knight Rider" (TV series)
      - a man relies on a talking "smart" machine for advice (Michael Knight
        and K.I.T.T the supercar in the series, Moe and Grampa in this
        segment)  {bjr}
      - when Grampa talks, the lights on the machine rise and fall with his
        voice, like the lights on K.I.T.T's dash
      - (N.B.:  the lights didn't actually do this until the second season of
        "Knight Rider")  {bjr}

   + "Cheers"  (TV series)  {ol}
      - Establishing music for "The Love-Matic Grampa" very similar to the
        music for this series

   + "All Is Quiet On The Western Front" (movie)  {hl}
      - classic war movie and handy description of Moe's love life ({jh} says
        it started as a novel by Erich-Maria Remarque about a soldier in World
        War I)

   + "Cool Hand Luke" (movie)  {bjr}
      - "Luke Warm Luke" category on the Love Tester similar

   + "Alice" (TV series)
      - Moe's "kiss my dishrag" is similar to Flo's "kiss my grits"

   + "2001:  A Space Odyssey" (movie)  {ddg}
      - the Love Tester sings "Bicycle Built for Two", as Hal does when "he's"
        shut down

   - "Short Circuit 2"  {ol}
      - A talking robot plays Cyrano for its master Ben (played by Fisher
        Stevens); the girl finds out, but likes him anyway
      - Two guys pull down the talking robot Johnny 5 and beat him with
        crowbars
      - Subsequently, Johnny 5 begins speaking incoherently to his master Ben

   + Museum of Television and Radio  {bjr}
      - the museum of TV and television similar in concept and name.  (There
        really is a museum of TV and radio, in New York City)

   + "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour" (TV series)
      - a variety show starring a fictional  family "as themselves" with one
        actress replaced  {ddg}
      - for both the Simpsons' and the Bradys' shows one of the "family"
        members had to be replaced  (In the case of the Bradys, Geri Reischl
        stepped into the role of Jan, after Eve Plumb walked away.  {dn})
        Compare this to Lisa's absence from the show  {ddg}
      - the family wears mid-seventies fashions, which makes sense since the
        Brady program aired in 1974  {bjr}
      - the style of the song-and-dance numbers is similar (both to the Brady
        show, and to other variety hours of the era)

   ~ "The Donny and Marie Show"  (TV series)  {dga}
      - not really any specific reference, but I thought I'd mention this one
        because Simpsons composer Alf Clausen got his start on television as
        musical director for the show

   - "Saturday Night Live" (TV series)  {dj}
      - the shot of the Baggy-Pants Players similar to cast shots on this show

   + "The Sonny and Cher Show" (TV series)
      - the circular Homer-and-Marge logo similar to one on the 70s variety
        show  {ddg}
      - like a few others, this show featured a whole lot of atrocious
        composite musical numbers like the candy montage  {st}

   - "Roseanne"  (TV series)  {pu}
      - replacement Lisa resembles the replacement Becky from this show

   + "Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In" (TV series)
      - Kent Brockman's announcer setup -- his mannerisms and the set
        background -- like those for this show's announcer
      - brief micro-clips show jokes, reaction shots, and so forth

   - "The Smothers Brothers" (TV series)  {rv}
      - Marge's awkward attempts to insert an anti-war message reminiscent of
        this show

   + Radio City Music Hall (concert venue)  {bjr}
      - Springfield has the similarly-named Radio City Music Room

   ~ "Archie" comics  {dj}
      - the "H" on Homer's jacket in the malt shop

   + "I Want Candy" by the Strangeloves (song)  {djp}
      - first song in the "Smile Time" medley

   + "Peppermint Twist" by Joey Dee and the Starlighters (song)  {djp}
      - Bart, "Lisa," and Maggie dance to this

   + "Whip It" by Devo (song)  {hl}
      - song and video parodied

   + "Lollipop" by the Chordettes (song)  {dn}
      - Jasper tries his hand at this song

   ~ Bart's Nightmare (game)  {mss}
      - Lisa, cast as a fairy who turns Bart into a frog, like Homer turning
        Lisa into a frog in the "season preview

   ~ "Duckman" (TV series)  {ddg}
      - "long-lost triplets", like Beatrice/Bernice/Beverly

   + "The Flintstones" (TV series)
      - Ozmodiar is a near-clone of the Great Gazoo (see Comments section for
        why that's significant)

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- Beaver References  {hl}
   - [8F01] State seal has beaver on it.
   - [9F05] Homer says he works like a Japanese beaver.
   - [9F05] Beavers making dam out of message canisters.
   - [2F12] Chief Wiggum recalls setting beavers loose in furniture store.
   - [3F03] Beaver in food chain.
   - [3F06] Beavers attack Homer doll.

- [7F12] McBain: "That makes two of us"  {hl}
- [7F16], [2F18] Marge misunderstands when Bart uses a swear word in a
         different meaning  {mss}
- [8F04] All of OFF is in one bed  {mss}
- [8F08], [9F19], [2F08], [2F20], [3F14] Love Testing Machine (TM)  {hl}
- [8F11] Scratchy falls down well into mouth of alligator  {hl}
- [8F18] "Streetcar Named Desire" in New Orleans setting  {hl}
- [8F18], [9F01] The Simpsons and New Orleans  {ol}
- [8F20], [3F15], [3F20] Wedding after wedding after wedding of Selma  {mss}
- [9F19], [1F15] Wiggum only in his underwear  {ol}
- [9F20] The Simpsons and alligators  {ol}
- [9F20] Homer attacked by lobsters he's trying to cook  {hl}
- [9F20] Grampa fights alligator in toilet  {hl}
- [9F22] Wiggum being referred to as a pig  {ol}
- [1F05] Skinner: "they're very slowly getting away"  {hl}
- [1F08] A laugh track is used on The Simpsons  {ol}
- [1F15] Skinner reports someone's slow getaway  {mss}
- [2F07] Grampa helps someone with their "lovin'" problem  {ol}
- [2F12] Huggy Bear is referenced  {dj}
- [2F20] Moe subjected to lie detector machine  {hl}
- [2F32] Ralph playing an instrument in his nose  {jk}
- [3F13] Wiggum total disregard with a human skull  {hl}
- [3F14] The other vacationers with Smithers were all men, c.f. the Waylon
         Smithers Dancers all being male  {mss}
- [3F18] Members of the supporting cast do their own skits  {mss}
- [3F18], [3F21] Someone besides Nelson says "Ha ha!"  {mss}
- [3F19] Grampa steals Ned's boat (cf. Wiggum steals some guy's boat)  {ol}
- [3F24] Smithers dressed up as a cowboy  {hl}
- [3F31] Troy McClure hosts Simpsons special  {hl}
- [3G03] Shari Bobbins sucked up into jet engine  {hl}
- [4F01] A bully beats up someone over supposed homosexuality  {mss}
- [4F02] Bart has long lost twin  {hl}
- [4F12] A mysterious teen is with OFF  {mss}

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- Fox's Schedule  {bjr}

    Sundays, "The X Files" from 9:00 to 10:00 the same day, "Melrose Place"
    from 8:00 to 9:00 Mondays, and question marks everywhere else.  These
    times are Eastern/Pacific, by the way.

- Big Daddy's trademark calling card  {bjr}

     BIG DADDY TM
      AS SEEN IN
    PARADE MAGAZINE

- The categories on the love tester  {bjr}

       CASANOVA
      HOT TAMALE
     HUBBA-HUBBA
    LUKE WARM LUKE
       LOVELORN
      COLD  FISH

- The Baggy Pants Players, clockwise from lower left
   - Selma, Larry, Dr. Hibbert, Groundskeeper Willie, Cap'n McAllister, and
     Jasper

- Overseas Animation: Anivision  {ddg}
==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
-  The programming chart has spaces for 10-11 (where Fox currently doesn't
   show programs), no spaces for Sunday 7-8, no movie, and no spaces for new
   hour-long shows (each spot is a half-hour).  {ddg}

-  There were 37 empty slots in the schedule when Troy McClure said there were
   35?  {hs}

-  In the first scene in Wiggum's office, the shutters weren't there.  In the
   next one, the shutters appear.  {ol}

-  The alligator did not have corks when it first appeared. (Of course, that'd
   have given the joke away ... {bjr})  {ddg}

=  When Chief Wiggum puts the handkerchief in his pocket it hangs out, but
   that later disappears.  {jv}

+  Chief Wiggum yells "police business" when he pushes the guy off of the
   boat, even though he is in fact a PRIVATE investigator.  {bb}

=  The "Solid Gold Remote" sign disappeared from the podium before the second
   spin-off?  {hs}

-  When Homer enters Moe's, the dishrag Moe had left on the bar disappears.

+  In 8F08 and 9F19, the Love Tester read "Hot Tamale", "Casanova", "Hubba
   Hubba", "Luke Warmish", and "Cold Fish".  Not so here.  {mss}

*  A high-class restaurant like Le Snotterie probably would not allow Jimbo,
   Dolph and Kearney in dressed like that.  {ol}

*  Why was there a "Charlie's Angels" statue when it wasn't a spinoff? (It was
   originally a TV-movie.)  {ddg}

=  Replacement-Lisa's pom-poms appeared out of thin air.  {mss}

*  In "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour", the replacement Jan acted exactly like
   the original Jan, unlike here where the replacement Lisa acts nothing like
   the original.  {ddg}

-  When "Beaver" Bart says, "Close the dam door," the door already is closed?
   {hs}

-  There were no stakes on the table until Marge pointed it out.  {mss}

-  The statue-hand holding the golden remote which was a few steps away from
   the "Jeffersons" picture disappears the second time the "Jeffersons"
   picture  {ol}

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Dale G. Abersold:  A trio of well-matched spoofs of such television staples as
   the detective show, the stupid sex comedy, and the variety show.  No one
   will write "I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me" about this one, but
   they might well write "I laughed, I laughed, I lost control of my bladder."
   Finest moment: Smithers' version of "Crack that Whip."  (A)

Joseph Barder:  Overall, a very weird episode, that runs along the same theme
   as the 138th episode spectacular.  The "Wiggum P.I." and "Grandfather Love
   Machine" sketches were mostly funny, but the "Simpsons Variety Hour" sketch
   succeeded in parodying old variety shows too well.  By parodying an awful
   show, it became near unwatchable.  The best scenes in the whole show were
   the plans for the future thing at the end, with the obvious Flintstone
   parody.  Would have been better if it was about actual possible spinoffs,
   like the rumored ones they always mention of Lisa and Maggie's future
   years.  (B)

Richard Bunnell:  I assume that this ep will get mixed reviews, but I loved
   it!  It had plenty of funny jokes (such as the Simpsons tacked-on cameos in
   the first two spinoffs, and the canned laughter in the Love-Matic Grandpa).
   But the thing that topped the ep off with humor was definitely the
   "Simpsons Spin-off Showcase!"  The Lisa replacement was a funny idea, and I
   liked how it was a total parody of Laugh-In. "Whip!  Licorice Whip!"  (A+)

Jesse D. Burgheimer:  This episode was, as Dr. Hibbert might say, "Riotously
   satirical!  I wonder if anyone ELSE got that?"  Nothing could have been
   more on target than the sketches within the "Spin-off Spectacular," more
   specifically the parodies of Magnum P.I. (and other cop shows) in "Chief
   Wiggum, P.I.", parodies of such ribald "Fox network" type sitcoms in
   "Love-Matic Grandpa", and parodies of the ludicrously cornball variety
   shows in "The Simpsons Good-Time Variety Hour."
      I could go on... but why?  These shorts made well-deserved jabs at
   half-assed television shows in the past few decades which tried desperately
   to be entertaining.  There may even be a poke at previous Simpson producers
   Al Jean and Mike Reiss who left OFF to work on such works of art as
   "Homeboys in Outer Space" on UPN.  (A)

Vince Chan:  This episode had plot.  It seems like episodes that are divided
   into three distinct stories (i.e. THOH) are better than episodes that have
   one main plot throughout the show.  This episode has been the best one in
   the 4F series.  The jokes were great and the music made it even better.
   Cons to this episode?  The Simpsons dropping into "Wiggum P.I." and Homer
   dropping into "The Love Matic Grampa" The order of the acts, from best to
   worst is, 3rd, 1st, 2nd.  (A-)

Don Del Grande:  Some things just aren't meant to be spoofed, and two of them
   are "My Mother the Car" and "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour".  It didn't help
   matters that each spinoff was limited to seven minutes, so they couldn't
   develop much of a storyline.  (C)

Cara Frame:  I think this was a horrible episode, probably the worst in
   Simpsons history. It was hardly funny, and not interesting.  The first
   story with Chief Wiggum's might have been the best of them all.  It had
   remotely funny jokes, and made me laugh once or twice.  The second one,
   with Grampa as the love testing machine was worse.  The story was plotless,
   and really unlikable.  The last and final one was the worst.  It was not
   funny, it was not amusing, it was not interesting.  Personally, I would
   have rather had been watching reruns.  Grade:  (F)

Jason Hancock:  I liked this one -- it may sound like a paradox, but I thought
   it was funny _because_ it was lame.  In other words, I'm glad that these
   spin-offs won't really surface on Fox anytime soon.  Individually, I would
   have to say "The Love-Matic Grampa" was the best segment, followed by
   "Chief Wiggum P.I." and "The Simpsons Smile-Time Variety Hour."  (A-)

Ryan Johnson:  In answer to the question, "How you do you keep the Simpsons
   fresh after 8 long seasons?", you don't.  Let's not drag it through the mud
   here guys.  Like many episodes this season, it's funny for about 2 minutes,
   then it degrades into absurd, outlandish jokes that are hard to follow and
   not particularly funny.  If they had ended the show with "Summer of 4' 2" I
   would have been pretty upset, but after seeing most of season 8, I'd say
   it's time to put OFF to rest.  Let's hope that the season finale is a
   little better than this.  (D+)

Joe Klemm:  Chief Wiggum P.I.: A-.  A good way to start the episode.  It was
   great to see Ralph as one of the stars of the sketch.  In fact, the Ralph
   playing spoons scene had me ROTFL.
      Love-Matic Grandpa: B+.  Liked the opening theme and animation used in
   it. However, I thought it could have been more interesting that the other
   two.
      The Simpsons Family Smile-Time Variety Hour: A. Though it lacked some
   references to other Sid and Marty Krofft programs, it was a clever and cute
   sketch.  If my brothers were watching this, then they would like it as
   well.  (A)

Ondre Lombard:  Troy McClure was wasted, and added a less realistic look at
   the entire eight-year run, but didn't bother me.  Chief Wiggum, P.I. was
   slow, had an odd pairing and the Simpsons cameo was a waste of time, in my
   opinion.  A few good laughs, but nothing brilliant.  The Love Matic Grampa
   was cute, and the laugh/reaction track use is hilarious when it's not being
   used seriously. Sketchy in a few spots, but satisfying.  The Simpson Family
   Smile-Time Variety Hour was good, and since I can't figure out what would
   make it any better, I won't complain.  Overall grade:  (B-)

Jeff Reis:  This episode was written by people who obviously have both an
   awestruck admiration and a healthy disdain for television and its history,
   and the whole thing worked because it *knew* that a lot of it was lame.  It
   was the same kind of (for lack of a better term) "anti-comedy" comedy as
   that practiced by David Letterman (who, with good guests and writing is
   still more funny than not despite what EW would have you believe), The
   State, et al.--right up my alley. Grade:  (A-)

Jim Scheppke:  I laughed my head off, especially at the cartoon at the
   beginning of Love-Matic Granpa.  This was an imaginative, well written
   episode - perhaps the best this season.  Through all this praise, though,
   they could have done better than that supermodel - type teen as Lisa's
   replacement in The Simpson Family Smile Time Comedy Hour - maybe they could
   have used the Estonian midget from "Burns' Heir."  (A-)

Marge Starbrod-Simpson:  I can't say I wasn't disappointed, but I can say that
   there wasn't much need for me to turn off the TV and VCR in disgust.
   "Chief Wiggum, P.I." was one of the funniest bits this season (Grade: A).
   "The Love-Matic Grandpa" was saved from failure by the opening sequence and
   the brief appearances of Jimbo, Dolph, Kearny, and Homer.  No, I didn't
   like the canned laughter.  (Grade: D+)  "The Simpson Family Smile-Time
   Variety Hour" was saved from mediocrity by the candy medley (Grade: B-).
   Again, Troy McClure makes a great host for a Simpsons special.  And we knew
   that the preview of next season was fake, right?  Overall grade:  (C+)

Nancy Walls:  This episode was great!  "Chief Wiggum P.I." was a little
   predictable, but "The Love-Matic Grandpa" and "The Simpson Family Goodtime
   Variety Hour" were pretty good, and so was Troy McClure.  I hope to see
   more episodes like this.
      [Ms. Walls also says, "I hope to see my review in "The Simpsons Spinoff
   Showcase" capsule in a few months."  Ha!  -- Ed.]  Grade:  (A-)

Yours Truly:  A relentlessly industry-referential episode; but the attacks on
   the industry aren't quite as sharp as in "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie
   Show (4F12)."  it gets better as it goes along.  "Chief Wiggum, P.I." is
   so-so, but I loved the ersatz, so-bad-it's-good variety show finale.  The
   episode's second segment deftly shows he stark contrast between "The
   Simpsons," and the run-of-the-mill sitcom.  Assuming Fox doesn't get any
   clever ideas about <actually> spinning these shows off,  (B+)

AVERAGE GRADE:  B (3.05)   Std Dev.: 1.1550   (21 reviews computed)

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Writer Watch

Dale G. Abersold:  David S. Cohen's previous efforts include "Lisa the
   Vegetarian", "Much Apu About Nothing", "Homer^3" (from ToH VI); and from
   this season, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show" and "Citizen Kang" from
   ToH VII.

   Dan Greaney's resume includes "King-Size Homer", "Summer of 4 Ft. 2", "The
   Genesis Tub" (from ToH VII), and "My Sister, My Sitter."

   Steve Tompkins has only two other episodes to his name.  "Nightmare on
   Evergreen Terrace" from ToH VI, and "A Milhouse Divided".


>> Guest Voices

 - (Wakko voice): But where's Don Knotts?

Dale G. Abersold:  Tim Conway first gained fame on television, first as part
   of Steve Allen's troupe (along with Louis Nye, Tom Poston, and Don Knotts),
   then on "McHale's Navy", and finally as one of Carol Burnett's troupe.
   During the 1970's and 80's, he appeared in many Disney and Disneyesque
   movies, usually paired with Don Knotts.  What can one say about these
   movies?  Well, Lemmon and Matthau they ain't.  The late 80's and 90's have
   not been kind to Conway, who has received recognition mostly for his
   various "Dorf" videos. Look for him this summer in "Speed 2: Cruise
   Control."


 - We put the "fat" in "fat southern sheriffs"

Dale G. Abersold:  Character actor Gailard Sartain is a fixture in many films
   with a southern setting, from the horrible (the "Ernest" movies) to the
   respected ("The Big Easy" and "Mississippi Burning").


>> Up next on Fox ... a blank screen!

Haynes Lee comments Fox's exciting new schedule:  These frames [showing Fox's
   sparse schedule] must have been made before "King of the Hill" finally
   filled in the 8:30 Sunday night slot (remember the "House of Buggin,"
   yech!).  Also listed was the "X-Files" Sundays 9:00pm and "Melrose Place"
   Mondays 8:00pm.  Conspicuous by its absence is the recently cancelled
   "Married ... With Children."


>> Well, I suppose it beats "Archie Bunker's Place"

Benjamin Robinson:  This is the sort of thing that can only happen in TV land.
   After "The Brady Bunch" wrapped up in 1974, some brilliant soul said, "Hey!
   I've got an idea!  Let's have a show where the Bradys move to another city,
   buy an ice rink, and put on a weekly variety show."  Of course, he was
   immediately hauled away to the funny farm, and never heard from again.  No,
   wait!  This is Hollywood, remember?  The network executives thought this
   was a good idea.  They couldn't convince the rest of the country of this,
   though, and the program was quickly canceled.  Later, as the Bradys went
   through various spin-offs, TV movies, and series revivals, they made no
   mention of this phase of their lives.  After watching a part of the show, I
   can see why; it's one of the oddest ideas television, along with "My Mother
   the Car," and "The CBS Evening News with Dan Rather."  It seems most
   fitting that Lisa, as the smartest and most artistically aware Simpson,
   would be the one who would not want to be associated with this.


>> Spin-Offs:  The practical alternative to creativity

Benjamin Robinson gives us the spin-off run-down:  The spin-off is one of
   television's long-standing traditions.  Troy McClure's cynical description
   of how the process works is pretty close to the mark:  A supporting
   character (or even a one-shot guest character) on a popular show is given a
   show of his or her own, in the hopes that lightning will strike twice.
   Usually, it doesn't.  However, there have been enough successful spin-offs
   to encourage TV producers to keep trying.

   The walls of the Museum of TV and Television were decorated with posters
   commemorating spin-offs of the past.  They are, in order of appearance

   "The Ropers" - Spun off from "Three's Company."  The landlord and his wife
   move into a new apartment, complete with snooty next-door neighbor.  It
   lasted about a season, if that.

   "Laverne & Shirley" - Spun off from "Happy Days" (which itself was based on
   a "Love, American Style" segment called "Love and the Happy Day").  Laverne
   and Shirley were both dates for Richie and the Fonz.  The characters were
   created for that one show, but something clicked, and they were given their
   own slot right after "Happy Days."  The show was an immediate hit, rivaling
   its parent program in the Nielsen ratings.

   "Fish" - Short-lived comedy featuring Abe Vigoda's character from "Barney
   Miller."

   "Rhoda" - A spin-off of "The Mary Tyler Moore" show, taking the Rhoda
   Morganstern character to the Big Apple.  Rhoda got married, and the wedding
   episode was one of the biggest rating draws at the time.  The audience
   tapered off quickly after that, though, and the show was eventually
   canceled.  To this day, critics use "Rhoda" as a warning about the hazards
   of marrying off a series' lead character.  If the show is built around a
   single (in the marital sense) person, the audience may perceive the party
   is over -- and leave -- when the character gets hitched.  (Fans of "The
   Simpsons" may be interested in knowing that Julie "voice of Marge" Kavner
   played Rhoda's younger sister.)

   "The Jeffersons" - Archie Bunker's equally loudmouthed neighbor, George
   Jefferson, moved on up to a series of his own.  Its tone of humor was
   broader and less satirical than "All in the Family" but it too was a hit,
   enduring for several years.

   Television critics point to the spin-off as being a symptom of Hollywood's
   chronic lack of creativity.  It's true that most spin-offs are even less
   remarkable that their parent shows, but sometimes lightning really <does>
   strike twice.  Consider this:  "The Simpsons" is itself a spin-off, having
   gotten its start as a series of short clips on "The Tracey Ullman Show."


>> And you thought they just built them for chase scenes

Jason Hancock:  You may have noticed some strange-looking graves in New
   Orleans during the "Chief Wiggum, P.I." segment.  In New Orleans, dead
   bodies are buried _above_ the ground since the city is located below sea
   level.


Patrick and Cathy Moore explains why this is so:  It is actually illegal to
   bury a deceased person in New Orleans.  The whole city is below sea level,
   so the only way to ensure one's final resting place is to place them in a
   mausoleum, or tomb.  This is because the ground is so moist that wooden
   caskets would decay very quickly, and steel caskets would rust apart.
   Concrete vaults would not help either, because they cannot be hermetically
   sealed.


>> The Great Ozmodiar

Dave Hall provides some useful background information:  For those who watched
   tonight's episode (May 11th), may remember towards the end, Troy's remark
   about a friendly green alien joining the show... appeared to be an inside
   joke.

   FYI, snipped from an old Matt Groening interview...

   "It has been suggested by a network goon that we add some spice to the
   Simpson family by adding another character.  I'm resisting this with all my
   might.  However, if a genie or little friendly alien comes to live with the
   Simpsons sometime soon, you'll know I failed."


Haynes Lee adds:  This was mentioned by someone who wrote to BONGO comics
   concerning the upcoming 167th episode.  The reader pointed out that the
   Flintstones started to go downhill when the Great Gazoo showed up in the
   last few seasons.  The reader sarcastically pointed out The Simpsons will
   no longer be worth watching a Gazoo-like being (Ozmodiar) appeared.

   [Jason Hancock writes that Gazoo was voiced by Harvey Korman, a frequent
   comic partner to Tim Conway -- Ed.]


Michael Adams:  This is starting to worry me...first that Roy character, and
   now a Gazoo reference.  Are the writers trying to tell us something?  I'd
   get increasingly worried if

   1) Santa's Little Helper gets a mini-great dane companion that runs around
   yelling "let me at 'em, I'll splat 'em!"

   2) A long-lost goofy cousin appears with a page-boy haircut and glasses,
   and is about as annoying as #1, above

   3) Bart goes off to college, Homer becomes a high-school teacher, and Ted
   McGinley becomes a supporting character.

   4) Dionne Warwick sings the theme, a dance-troupe called the Mermaids does
   one number a show, and Ted McGinley becomes a supporting character.

   5) The Flanders' are replaced by a stuttering old man wearing cheap leisure
   suits who thinks Homer's gay.

   6) Marge dies, Homer takes over Moe's bar, calling it "Homer Simpsons'
   Place"

   7) The Simpsons win the lottery.

   8) The kids leave school and the Simpsons buy a store selling tacky knick-
   knacks (George Clooney guest-stars).

   9) Homer gets pregnant and has a full-grown boy.

   and, of course

   10) The Korean War ends.  Barney, Reverend Lovejoy, and Mr. Burns star in
   "AfterSimpsons"


>> They Don't Call It The Big Easy For Nothing

Jeff Cross explains why Chief Wiggum and New Orleans are a good fit:  New
   Orleans and Louisiana have almost always been associated with crime and
   loose ethics.  In 1998 the entire New Orleans Police Department was
   discovered to be on the take.  As for the crack about the stolen governor's
   mansion, that's a reference to the reign of Huey Long, who turned Louisiana
   into a virtual police state and stole a large -- and still unrecovered --
   amount of money from the treasury.


>> The Eternal Threads

 - Is Smithers Gay?

Dale G. Abersold:  After the "Licorice Whip" bit, anyone who denies Smithers
   is gay probably doesn't believe "Ellen" is gay, either.


>> Miscellaneous, Etc.

The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is:  Simpsons Ripoff Showcase


Don Del Grande:  Although "Sanford & Son & Son" was not a real show, "Sanford
   & Son" had three real spinoffs: "Grady", "Sanford Arms", and "Sanford".


Darrel Jones:  The fat man who said "I guaron-tee it!" in the restaurant was
   Paul Prudhomme, a gourmet specializing in Cajun Dishes and nicknamed the
   "Ragin' Cajun".  And yes, he is overweight too.


Haynes Lee:  Laugh tracks were very popular in the 1960s and 1970s but most
   shows dropped them in the 1980s for a more spontaneous live audience. A
   notable hold-out was "M*A*S*H."


Dallas Pesola notes:  "I Guarantee" is Justin Wilson's catch-phrase, rather
   than Chef Paul Prudhomme's.


Marge Starbrod-Simpson:  Is it just me, or does Steve Tompkins seem to do
   better writing part of an episode instead of a full episode?  His only full
   episode was "A Millhouse Divided" (4F04), the worst episode ever in my
   book.  However, he did pretty good with the "Nightmare on Evergreen
   Terrace" bit in TOHVI (3F04), whatever he contributed to "22 Short Films
   About Springfield" (3F18), and "The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour"
   in this ep.


>> Phil Hartman, 1948 - 1998

Chances are, you've already head that Phil Hartman, the voice of lawyer Lionel
   Hutz and actor/spokesperson Troy McClure is no longer with us.  Over the
   years, Hartman had a broad and varied career:  supporting parts in movies,
   improv comedy with the Groundlings troupe, screenwriting (he co-wrote "Pee-
   Wee's Big Adventure"), and even a stint as a graphic artist.  Today, he's
   principally known for his work on "Saturday Night Live," "NewsRadio," and
   of course, "The Simpsons."  Sadly, his career was cut short when he was
   shot and killed in his Encino, California home.

   Don Smith wrote on the occasion of Mr. Hartman's passing, summarizing what
   it was about his best-known work that made him such an excellent comic
   actor.  I'm going to step aside now and let him take over

   I think Phil was this incredible workhorse, a strong foundation for comedy
   which was the rock solid base of NewsRadio and his years on Saturday Night
   Live.  Phil's talent stemmed from being able to do truly funny characters,
   but not in a way that they would get burnt-out or overused.  These were
   subtle straight-man style characters, yet they were providing the humor.
   Phil relied on re-occurring motifs and not the catch-phrases which rocket
   people to quick stardom and quick demise (except, possibly for the "you may
   remember me from such" lines which intro'd most Troy McClure appearances).
   Phil had the subtle timing and mild-mannerisms of a Jack Benny.  His career
   was slowly growing in a way that was enviable to most actors.  Phil
   Hartman's career would never burn out like some 20 year old kid with a
   goofy dance and a catchphrase.  He was the kind of middle-aged person that
   made me realize as a teenager that turning 30 (or 40 or 50) wouldn't be the
   end of the world.

   Seriously.  As NewsRadio's Bill MacNeal he was funny, yet the humor was
   derived from his weaselly demeanor and strange outlook on life.  He was, as
   often described, a 1990s Ted Baxter (Mary Tyler Moore).  Andy Dick relies
   way too heavily on being a spazzy character- You know he is annoying as
   many people as he's entertaining.  I don't think the same could be said of
   Phil. Bill MacNeal became a comedic barb in the side of straight-man "Dave
   Nelson" then turned around and was the sarcastic straight-man to "Matthew."
   Phil had a broad talent that could fill in the comedic nooks and crannies
   of an ensemble cast like so much butter on some particular brand of English
   muffins.

   On The Simpsons he was less-exhibited, but still crucial as 2 strong
   secondary characters, blindly following their dreams despite continued
   failure, being passed up, and generally untalented.  As both Lionel Hutz,
   the lawyer (one-part sad alcoholic pathos, one-part ambulance-chasing
   shyster) and especially Troy McClure, (failed character actor turned
   pitchman) Phil wove the voices of two men hell-bent on their own
   destruction.  Not knowing when to quit, they continued on in the face of
   failure after failure.  But they were never conquering heroes, because
   inside we knew their failures were their own fault.  Phil had a way with
   the millstone chrs, Phil had a way that made us laugh and hate and pity his
   chrs at once.  I am unaware of another actor who can dish out hate and
   pathos in the same comedic nutshell.

   As Max Jerome, long distance phone pitchman, Phil swept the user into a
   world of intrigue and danger in a matter of 5-10 seconds.  Conceivably this
   is the only character my parents would recognize- thus what he would be
   remembered as.  Phil became accurately retro, delivering lines that were
   believably hard-boiled, but with the ironic twist which defined the early-
   mid-90s.  His similarly retro Cap'n Carl from the LA stage version of the
   Pee-Wee Herman show (circa 1982) which transported me back to the various
   kids' TV hosts before such nostalgia was commonplace.

   However, Phil Hartman will be eulogized for his portrayal of various
   characters on Saturday Night Live.  Un-Frozen Caveman Lawyer (probably the
   smartest portrayal of identity politics in the judiciary ever.  Phil's
   skewering of lawyers puts Seinfeld's Jackie Childs character to shame.  A
   character so well-crafted that a Spanish-language skit got more laughs than
   an English one), Frank Sinatra (a portrayal out of the pages of Kitty
   Kelly's "His Way," Phil's Sinatra was nine-tenths McLaughlin (sp?) Group,
   showing the Chairman as a commanding old-timer stuck in a world he couldn't
   relate to), his Frankenstein brought out the foibles in our icons, his
   President Clinton was the best in the business, His Ed MacMahon was more
   MacMahon than MacMahon himself.  He could be sitting by God's side right
   now, wittily remarking, "Yesss ... You are correct sir!"  (my mistake,
   second catchphrase Phil was involved with).  Coincidentally his Jesus
   opposite Jerry Seinfeld's Elijah (sp?) the Prophet was right on in the
   rerun 2 weeks ago.  Depending on your beliefs he could be trying it out
   right now (perhaps he had a good Buddha impersonation from the Groundlings
   which he never used on SNL?).  While the young comedians on SNL danced
   around with crazy catchphrases, Phil held up the building, Phil made the
   silly skit realistic, Phil was the every-adult 40-something chr that was an
   implausible parody to the other 20-yr-olds in make-up.

   I will remember Phil making some sarcastic remark and smiling
   disingenuously, letting the audience in on his deceit while trying to keep
   the character straight- that was Phil to me.

   Phil would have been one of the premiere character actors of the next 20
   years.  I would have expected to see him show up as the smarmy politician,
   crotchety cynical old man, or simply "guy behind the counter" in movies
   between now and the year 2025.  But his career won't last until 2025, it
   ended today May 28, 1998.


==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary  {bjr}
==============================================================================
% Troy McClure walks down the pristine hallways of a museum, his shoes
% squeaking on the tile floor.  On the walls are large posters
% commemorating various television shows.  McClure stops at one of these
% -- "Fish" -- and then turns to face the camera.

McClure:  "Spinoff!"  Is there any word more thrilling to the human
          soul?  Hi, I'm Troy McClure.  [begins walking] You may
          remember me from such TV spinoffs as "Son of Sanford and Son"
          and "AfterMannix."
          [he hits a dead end, and does an about face]
          I'm here at the Museum of TV and Television with a real treat
          for "Simpsons" fans (if any) because tonight we present, "The
          Simpsons Spinoff Showcase!"
-- Troy McClure kicks off ... "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% And with those words, the title "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase" spins
% onto our screen.  The audience cheers wildly as the credits for
% creator and executive producer play.
%
% [End of special introduction.  Time:  0:34]
%
% Back at the museum, Troy explains that the folks at the network
% approached the "Simpsons" team with a simple request.

McClure:  Thirty-five new shows to fill a few holes in their
          programming lineup.
          [presents a schedule chart that's actually more holes than
          lineup]
          That's a pretty daunting task -- and the producers weren't up
          to it.  Instead, they churned out three "Simpsons" spinoffs,
          transplanting already popular characters into new locales and
          situations.  First up, a gritty crime drama starring
          Springfield's beloved Police Chief Wiggum.  Keep at least one
          eye open because his best friends, the Simpsons, just might
          pop in to wish him luck.  Let's us wish him luck too.  Good
          luck, Wiggum! [salutes]
-- "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% McClure picks up a solid gold remote control from a hand-shaped
% stand, and uses it to turn on a giant-screen TV, just in time to see
% the opening credits for...
%
%                    "Chief Wiggum, P. I."
%
% Wiggum roars into town in a snazzy red convertible.  He's driving
% quickly, perhaps be cause he has an appointment to shoot out the
% windows of Tipitina's bar.  Then it's a brief rooftop chase, with
% Wiggum jumping a gap between two buildings (on a motorcycle, no less).
% Finally, he does battle with a feisty crawfish.  Skinner, introduced
% as "Skinny Boy", chats up an informant.  Wiggum's son Ralph has some
% fun adding a "G" to the "Wiggum, P. I." sign on his dad's door.
%
% As the show itself starts, Wiggum and Skinner lug boxes of detective
% material into Skinner's new office.

Ah, New Orleans.  The Big Easy.  Sweet Lady Gumbo.  Old ... Swampy
-- Chief Wiggum, settling into his new town, "The Simpsons Spinoff
   Showcase"

% The first order of business for New Orleans' new gumshoes is
% explaining how the two men came to be there in the first place.
% Wiggum, we learn, was kicked out of Springfield's police department
% for massive corruption.  Skinner reminisces about his childhood in the
% city.  His stint as Springfield Elementary's principal was just a
% temporary dalliance; he has always been a small-time hustler at heart.
% It is this quality that led Wiggum to hire Skinner as his leg man.
%
% Their conversation is rudely interrupted when someone throws a skull
% through the window.  Being the master detectives that they are, the
% two men deduce it isn't the welcome wagon.

Skinner:  Looks like you got an enemy, Chief.  You know, folks here
          don't much care for law and order types.
Wiggum:   [picks the skull up with a pencil]  Is that right?  Maybe
          they'll change their minds once I arrest them for throwing
          skulls all over my floor.  [puts the skull on his desk, dumps
          two fistfuls of pencils in the eye sockets, and leans back to
          admire his decorating skills]
-- "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% That night, aboard his houseboat, Wiggum tucks his son into bed.

Wiggum:   Oh, man, what a day.  It's no cakewalk being a single parent,
          juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls ...
          two I suppose.
Ralph:    Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.
Wiggum:   You wear 'em until you learn, son. [kisses him goodnight]
-- "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% The next day, Wiggum and Skinner plot their next move at a Bourbon
% Street eatery.  Chef Paul Prudhomme scoots by the two men on his
% motorized cart and delivers a plate of crawfish.

Prudhomme: I guar-an-tee!
Skinner:   Will you stop saying that!
Wiggum:    So Skinner, who do you figure threw that skull through my
           window.  What's the word on the streets?
Skinner:   Well, to be honest Chief, I haven't lived in New Orleans
           for forty-two years.  Although according to an article I
           read in "Parade" magazine ...
Wiggum:    Uh-huh.
Skinner:   ... a criminal by the name of "Big Daddy" runs this town.
Wiggum:    "Big Daddy," eh?  Well, he won't feel so big if he messes
           with Chief Wiggum, P. I. again.  Which I sincerely doubt he
           will.
-- Doubting Clancy, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% Alas, Big Daddy doesn't give up so easily.  While Wiggum sleeps, a
% mysterious figure slips an alligator through his window.  The gator
% begins to nibble on Wiggum's head.  Understandably alarmed, Wiggum
% bolts out of bed and fires about ten shots.  They all miss, but the
% commotion draws Skinner onto the scene, and he wrestles the alligator
% into submission.

Skinner:  Lucky for you this is just a warning gator.  Next one won't
          be corked.  [points to the corks blunting the alligator's
          teeth]
Wiggum:   [shouting into the night]  Listen up, Big Daddy!  You don't
          scare me!  I'm three steps ahead of you!
Skinner:  Oh, Chief?  Your boy has been kidnapped.
Wiggum:   Oh, God!
-- So far ahead, he's behind, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% Ralph's bed is indeed empty, except for yet another skull.

Skinner:  Big Daddy's trademark calling card -- it's right here inside
          the skull.
Wiggum:   [shakes the card out of the skull] Looks like we got our
          first case ever, Skinny Boy.  And this time, it's personal.
-- "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% Cut to an establishing shot of New Orleans.

"Chief Wiggum, P. I." will return -- right now!
-- Announcer, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% And back to our show.  The phone rings in Wiggum's office.

Wiggum:    [picking up the phone]  Who is this?
Skinner:   It's me, chief.  I'm on the other extension.
Big Daddy: Now you listen up mon ami, and you listen good, hear?  The
           name's Daddy, Charles Daddy.
Wiggum:    Big Daddy!  What have you done with my boy, Daddy?
Big Daddy: Ah, the boy is fine -- so far.  I taught him to play the
           spoons.
           [Ralph blissfully tries to play the spoons with his nose]
           If you ever want to see that boy again, I suggest you leave
           town today, hear?  [hangs up]
Wiggum:    [hangs up]  Sounds like there was some kind of party going
           on in the background.  Are there any parties today,
           Skinner.?
Skinner:   Eh.  Not really a party town.  Though if I remember
           correctly they occasionally a function called Marty's ...
           something.
-- "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% They go over to the window and open the shutters, revealing the
% famous Marty's Something parade.  Wiggum runs down to the street,
% where he is confronted by revelers wearing outsized party masks.
% Laughing, the partygoers put off their masks, showing themselves to be
% our favorite family.

Wiggum:    If it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons!
           What brings you folks to New Orleans?
Bart:      Mardi Gras, man.  When the Big Easy calls, you gotta accept
           the charges.
Lisa:      Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting,
           sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful
           backdrop.
Wiggum:    Well golly, I'd love to chat but my son's been kidnapped.
           You haven't seen him, have you.  Caucasian male, between
           the ages of six and ten, thinning hair.
Homer:     Over there.  [points to the crowd, where Big Daddy and
           Ralph are]
Ralph:     Look, Big Daddy, it's regular daddy.
Big Daddy: The Chief!  Ooh, I suppose I'd best to run.  [fans himself
           with his hat]  Lord have mercy, how I wish I weren't so
           fat.
-- The Simpsons make a guest appearance, "The Simpsons Spinoff
   Showcase"

% Big Daddy tucks Ralph under his arm, and a foot chase ensues.  Wiggum
% pursues Daddy through the streets of New Orleans, then the graveyards
% of New Orleans, and finally to the boat docks of New Orleans.  Daddy
% steps onto his airboat [basically, a flat-bottom boat powered by a
% large propeller mounted on the rear] and takes off down the river.
% Wiggum commandeers another airboat ("Police business," he shouts as he
% kicks the owner overboard).  He and Skinner chase after Big Daddy.
% Big Daddy's boat driver unsheathes a knife and tries to jump onto
% Wiggum's airboat, but Wiggum literally blows him away with the
% propeller.
%
% The chase ends at an imposing mansion on stilts in the middle of the
% river.

Wiggum:   [whistles]  What do you suppose the rent is on a hideout like
          that?
Skinner:  Ahh, it's not rented, Chief -- it's stolen.  That's the
          Louisiana Governor's mansion; it's been missing for eight
          months.
-- That explains why the Governor has been living in the Astrodome,
   "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% Big Daddy runs to his office, sits down, and turns his back to the
% door -- just so he can spin around dramatically to face his pursuers.

Wiggum:    You!
Big Daddy: Welcome to my maison, Chief.  I've been expecting you.
Wiggum:    Is that so, Big Daddy?  Well expect this:  [draws gun] The
           arrest of you, by me.
Big Daddy: New Orleans is my town.  Nobody going to mess with me.  I
           got interests, and I ain't talking about stamp collecting,
           though I do find that extremely interesting.
Skinner:   Oh yeah?  That makes two of us.
Big Daddy: You know, boys, there's an old saying down on the bayou
           that, uh, blah! [throws Ralph at Wiggum and Skinner]
-- They're mighty eloquent down on the bayou, "The Simpsons Spinoff
   Showcase"

% Big Daddy jumps out the window, and swims for it.  Slowly.

Skinner:  He's gradually getting away, Chief.
Wiggum:   Ah, let him go.  I have the feeling we'll meet again, each
          and every week.  Always in more sexy and exciting ways.
Ralph:    Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be just like you.
Skinner:  Better start eating, kid.
Wiggum:   Start eating!  [laughs]
Ralph:    I didn't mean it that way.  [laughs]
-- "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% As the three enjoy a hearty laugh, the pilot episode of "Chief
% Wiggum, P. I." draws to a close.
%
% [End of Act One.  Time:  8:31]
%
% The start of the second act finds Troy McClure admiring an exhibit on
% "Charlie's Angels".

McClure:  [noticing he's on the air again]  Oh, hi!  Welcome back to
          our spinoff showcase.  Could "The Simpsons" ever have
          maintained its popularity without Moe the bartender?  Let's
          hope so, because Moe's leaving to do his own sitcom.  But
          don't panic, he's taking a familiar sidekick with him.  And
          his best friend Homer might just stop by to wish him luck.
          Let's take a peek!
-- "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% McClure flips on the telly, so we can watch ...
%
%                    "The Love-Matic Grampa"
%
% After a quick establishing shot of Moe's tavern, we go inside.  Moe
% tends bar for his only customer that night, Barney.

Barney:   [finishing up his beer]  Well, I gotta go.  I got a date with
          the lady in front of the drug store who's always yelling
          things.  [leaves]
Moe:      She told me she was washing her hair tonight.  [sighs]  I'm
          so desperately lonely.
          [the laugh track does its thing]
Grampa:   [voice only] Ah, quit your bellyaching, you big loser.
Moe:      Who, who said that?
Grampa:   I did!  It's me, Abe Simpson.
Moe:      But you're d-d-d-dead.
Grampa:   I died, but I've came back as your love-testing machine.  I'm
          the love-matic Grampa.
Moe:      [screams -- with a great facial expression, by the way]
-- "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% The opening credits roll.  The animation style becomes even more
% cartoon-y than usual.  A cheery (and off-screen) group sings the
% ballad of the love-matic Grampa.

Singers:  While shopping for some cans,
          An old man passed away.
          [fetches a can of figs down from the top shelf.  The rest of
          the cans tumble onto him, then the shelf itself tips over]
          He floated up toward Heaven,
          But got lost along the way.
          [spectral Grampa, with angel wings rises from the debris.
          Unfortunately, a jetliner clips his wings and he falls from
          grace, landing in the love tester]
          Now he's the love-matic Grampa.
          [the title, surrounded by flashing marquis lights, appears]
          The wise Socratic Grampa.
          He'll fill our hearts with looooooove.
          [Moe shoves aside the word "Grampa" so he can fit on the
          screen.  A cherub flies on-screen, but Moe flicks it off]
-- "Love-Matic Grampa" theme song, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% Back to the bar.

Grampa:   Don't be afraid, Moe.  I'm here to help you with your
          romantic problems.
Moe:      Hey, I don't need no advice from no pinball machine.  I'll
          have you know I wrote the book on love.
Grampa:   Yeah.  "All Quiet on the Western Front."
          [laugh track "Oohs"]
Moe:      Ah, kiss my dishrag.
          [studio audience laughter]
Grampa:   See, that's your problem, you're a crab.  Ladies like sweet-
          talking.
Moe:      Hey, I'm sweet.  I'm sweeter than Jewish wine.
Grampa:   Then prove it.  I want you to charm the next pretty young
          thing that walks through that door.
Homer:    [coming through that door]  Gr-r-reetings!
          [wild studio applause]
-- Okay, the second pretty young thing, then, "The Simpsons Spinoff
   Showcase"

Grampa:   Son, it's me!  I floated up toward Heaven but got lost along
          the way.
Homer:    [gasps]  Dad, is that really you?
Grampa:   Darn tootin' you lousy creep!  You buried me naked and sold
          my suit to buy a ping-pong table.  What kind of a son ...
          [Grampa's tirade is interrupted when Homer pulls the plug]
Homer:    [leaving]  Call me when you get a karaoke machine.
          [studio applause]
          [Moe plugs Grampa back in]
Grampa:   That's the second time he's pulled the plug on me.
-- Homer's guest appearance on ... "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% Shortly after Homer leaves, Betty arrives.  Although she claims to
% have just been involved in a car wreck, she looks pretty good.  (Well,
% given that the wardrobe department gave her a circa 1979 outfit to
% wear.)  She wants to use the phone, but with Grampa's prompting, Moe
% talks her into trying the love-testing machine.  ("It goes by how
% clammy your hands are," says Moe.)  Betty complies, and Grampa
% delivers his verdict.

Grampa:   [mechanically]  Lovelorn.  You need man.  Moe near now.  Go
          near Moe.
Betty:    What?
Moe:      "Go near Moe."  I'd say that's a pretty strong endorsement.
          So how about you and me go out sometime?  You know, out back.
Grampa:   [flashing the international sign for "no" on his display
          panel]  Eh-eh-eh.
Moe:      I mean, ah, out to dinner, at a fancy French restaurant?
Grampa:   [flashing a heart on the panel] Ding!
Betty:    Sounds great.  And if this love tester's as accurate as it
          looks, maybe we'll be having breakfast, too.  [leaves, to
          studio audience "woo"-ing]
Moe:      You did it, Grampa!  You really are a love expert.
Grampa:   Dang right.  Fact is, I invented kissing.  It was during
          World War I, and they were looking for a new way to spread
          germs...
Moe:      [turns to camera and shrugs]
-- There goes our wacky Grampa, "The Simpsns Spinoff Showcase"

% Moe's choice of restaurants is La Snotteria.  He wheels Grampa
% (outfitted with a tux jacket) in on a dolly, and takes him into the
% mens' room.

Moe:      Sorry, Grampa, but I gotta stash ya in the bathroom so Betty
          won't get wise to us.  [sets Grampa up between two urinals,
          and plugs him in]
Grampa:    This is not the evening I envisioned.
Moe:      Oh, jeez, she just got here.  Gimme some advice, quick!
Grampa:   What the...?  You know, just be sweet, pour on the honey, you
          know...
Moe:      Yeah, yeah, yeah, romantic.  Ain't sunshine pretty, ain't
          flowers stupid, I got you.  [heads out to meet Betty]
Grampa:   [sighs] I've suffered so long, why can't I die?
-- You?  Think of how the audience suffered, "The Simpsons Spinoff
   Showcase"

% Moe sets about pitching woo.

Moe:      You know what's great about you, Betty, is you're letting
          your looks go gracefully.  You're not all hung up on looking
          attractive and desirable.  It's just so rare and refreshing.
Betty:    So Moe, tell me a little about yourself.
Moe:      Myself? Uh, uh, Geez.  Um, I gotta go to the can again.
Betty:    Eh?
Moe:      I got the runs.
-- Moe De Bergerac, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% In the bathroom, Dolph and Kearney are busy voiding Grampa's
% warranty.  Moe walks in and breaks up the fight.

Moe:      Hey, get away from that!  Leave him alone!
Kearney:  It said I was gay!  [Kearney and Dolph leave to studio
          laughter]
Moe:      [setting up Grampa, and re-plugging him in]
          You all right, Grampa?
Grampa:   [dazed] ... oh, Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do ...
Moe:      Will you quit your clowning?  I need help, here.
Grampa:   [still dazed] Tell her her rump's as big as the Queen's, and
          twice as fragrant.
Moe:      [doubtful]  Okay.
-- "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% Moe leaves, only to return seconds later, decorated with escargot.

Moe:         You are absolutely, positively, the dumbest haunted love
             tester that I have ever met!  [pounds on Grampa]
Betty:       [walks in] What is going on in here?
Moe:         Um, uh, oh, oh, I might as well come clean with you.  I
             ain't too good at talking to women and I really wanted to
             do you, so I brought along the love tester to help me.  As
             you may have guessed, it's inhabited by the ghost of my
             friend's dead father.
Betty:       [angry] Why, you conniving, devious, monstrous,
             despicable, [impressed] sweet little angel!
Moe:         But Betty, if you'd just give me a chance ... [realizes]
             What?
Betty:       I can't believe you went to all that trouble for me.
             [kisses Moe, as the audience whoops it up again]
Grampa:      [lights up the "Casanova" sign] Ding, ding, ding, ding!
Moe + Betty: Thanks, Grampa.
Grampa:      Yeah, yeah, now how's about introducing me to that cute
             little pay phone out front?  [studio laughter]
-- "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% Moe and Betty join in the general laughter, as Grampa's spectral head
% is superimposed on the screen.

Singers:  He's the love-matic Grampa
          And he filled our hearts with looooove!
          [the closing credits come up]
-- "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% [End of Act Two.  Time:  15:15]
%
% Troy McClure and another man sit facing each other.  McClure
% addresses the audience.

McClure:  Welcome back!  I'm talking with the curator of the museum of
          TV and Television, Mr. John Winslow.
          [Winslow is about to say something, but McClure gets up and
          leaves]
          In our final spinoff tonight, the Simpson family finally gets
          the chance to show off the full range of their talents.
          Unfortunately, one family member didn't want that chance and
          refused to participate.  But thanks to some creative casting,
          you won't even notice.  Show us what you got, TV!
-- "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% McClure turns on the TV, and it shows us...
%
%               "The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour"
%
% In his broadcast booth, Kent Brockman announces a new era in family
% entertainment.

Brockman: Live from Radio City Music Room in downtown Springfield, it's
          "The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour!"
          Featuring the Waylon Smithers dancers... [dancers dance
          onstage]
          ... and the Springfield Baggy-Pants Players ... [their photo
          spins onscreen]
          ... and now, a family that doesn't know the meaning of the
          word, "cancelled," the Simpsons!
-- "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% The Simpson family runs onstage, wearing coordinated 70s-era outfits.

Family:   [singing]  Come along and bring the family,
          Come along and join the fun,
          Come along and join the family
          Join the family ... Simpson!
          Roll Call!
Marge:    Remember me, my name is Marge,
          [strokes hair] The TV mom whose hair is large!
          [holds up Maggie, who sucks her pacifier twice]
Bart:     Step back, mom, it's Bart's turn now!
          Eat my shorts, don't have a cow!
"Lisa":   I'm Lisa, peppy, blonde, and stunning!
          Sophomore prom queen five years running!
          Go-o-o-o, Lisa!  [jumps and shakes her pom-poms, like a
          cheerleader]
-- If only the real Lisa knew what she was missing, "The Simpsons
   Spinoff Showcase"

% The opening number runs into a snag when Homer turns up missing.

Bart:     Wait a minute, whoa, whoa. [whistles to call the orchestra's
          attention]  Stop the music.  [they do]
          Where's dad?
          [the Simpsons begin to look]
"Lisa":   Here he is!  [points to the orchestra pit, where Homer is
          curled up]
Homer:    I'm hiding from the-the-the-the ghost!
Marge:    Ghost?  What ghost?
Homer:    B-b-before the show you said we were having a special ghost
          tonight.
Marge:    I said we were having a special _guest_ tonight -- Mr. Tim
          Conway!
Homer:    What's a Tim Conway?
Conway:   [walks onstage] Oh, about 120 pounds.
-- Ba-da-boom, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% Conway shakes hands with Homer, who has come out of the orchestra
% pit, and then walks back offstage.  Now that the misunderstanding has
% been cleared up, the family regroups to finish their song.

Family:   [singing] It's the Simpsons Family
          Smile Time Variety
          Hooooour!
-- "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% The stage floor spits into three segments.  The children ride the
% left and right parts offstage.  Homer and Marge stand on the center
% piece, which rolls toward the audience.  Marge tells us that the
% family has been "busy as beavers" getting the show ready.  Homer asks
% Marge if she wonders what it would be like if the family really were
% beavers.  Of course, Marge says yes, because who among us hasn't
% wondered this?
%
% The conversation also leads to a skit, which is set inside a beaver
% dam.  To the audience's delight, Homer strolls in, clad head to toe in
% a beaver costume.

Homer:    Honey, I'm home!
Marge:    Hello, dear.  How was work at the plant?
Homer:    It's not a plant, Marge, it's a tree, and I've nearly chewed
          through it.  Now remember, my new boss is coming home for
          dinner tonight.
Marge:    I know, and I made your favorite -- stakes!
          [gestures toward a big plate of fence stakes.  The audience
          (the one on TV, but probably the one at home, too) groans]
Bart:     Hey, could you two close the dam door?
Marge:    Bart!
Bart:     But that's where we live.  A _dam_.
Marge:    [grumbles]
"Lisa":   [walks in] Look everybody, Maggie got her first tooth.
          [holds up Maggie, in a baby-beaver costume, complete with
          buck tooth.  The audience laughs, then goes, "awwww"]
Homer:    Now, before my boss comes, there's something important you
          should know.
          [doorbell rings]
Marge:    In a minute, Homey, I have to get the door.  [goes to greet
          the visitor]
Homer:    But, Marge!
          [not heeding, Marge opens the door.  Tim Conway stands at the
          entrance, dressed as a skunk.  The family faints]
Conway:   Oh, was it something I said?
-- "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% Some brief "Laugh-In" style clips bridge the gap to the next big
% number.  Capt. McAllister feels "someone should be keelhauled" for the
% last sketch.  Judge Snyder orders it stricken from the record, and
% calls in the next sketch.
%
% The next sketch opens with the family dressed in 1950s gear, sitting
% in a 50s soda shop.

Marge:     Inflation, trade deficits, horrible war atrocities ... how
           are we supposed to do our big musical number with so many
           problems in the world?
Homer:     Well, I know one thing in this world that's still pure and
           good.
Marge:     Christian love?
Homer:     No.  Candy!  [climbs on table]  Sweet, sweet, candy!
           [the orchestra strikes up the "I Want Candy" tune]
Homer:     [singing] I want candy!
Marge:     But don't you want to end world famine?
Bart:      [hops out of the booth] I want candy!
Marge:     Or save the endangered Alaskan salmon?
"Lisa":    I want candy!
Marge:     Well if you won't think of society's ills ...
H + B + L: [singing] I want candy!
Marge:     At least, think of our dentist bills.
           [happy dentists show up, bearing bills]
-- They probably want candy, too, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% The song segues into, "The Peppermint Twist"  Bart, "Lisa," and
% Maggie each stand on a giant peppermint candy (the round disk kind,
% not the stick type) and do the twist -- the peppermint twist.
%
% The camera cuts to Jasper, dressed in a turn-of-the-century boys'
% outfit.  He does, "The Lollipop Song," but when he gets to the finger-
% popping part, he manages to launch his dentures a short distance.
% Waylon Smithers, dressed as a cowboy, performs a butt-wiggling
% rendition of Devo's "Whip It," and tops it off by using his whip to
% snap a bubble that Selma is blowing.  The Simpsons revisit "I Want
% Candy" with a big dancing finale, joined by dancers wearing candy
% costumes.  After they finish, they smile and pant heavily from
% exhaustion.
%
% Quick cut to Hans Moleman, holding a flower.

Moleman:  A poem, by Hans Moleman.
          I think that I shall never see,
          My cataracts are blinding me.  [flower wilts]
Conway:   [still in skunk costume]  And they thought I stunk.
-- Hans' Poetry Corner, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% For the show's finale, the Simpsons address the studio audience from
% an enormous bed.

Marge:        Well, it's time to say goodnight.
Homer:        I wish our special guest Tim Conway didn't have to leave
              so soon.
Conway:       [pops up from under the covers]  I'm still here.  Fox
              wouldn't spring for a decent hotel room.
Marge:        [laughs]  He's just kidding.  We'd like to thank Fox and
              the good people at Budget Lodge.
Homer:        Well, that's all the time we have.  So this is the
              Simpson family saying, as you walk down that road of life
              ...
Bart:         [interrupting]  Hitchhike -- it's faster.
All but Bart: Ba-a-r-rt!
Bart:         [laughs]
Marge:        We're like this all the time!
All:          Goodnight, everybody!
-- Don't let the bedbugs bite, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% A big pillow fight breaks out, with everyone joining in, except Tim
% Conway (who is apparently a conscientious objector).
%
% Troy McClure shuts off the television.

McClure:   That's it for our spinoff showcase.  But what about the
           show that started it all?  How do you keep "The Simpsons"
           fresh and funny after eight long years?  Well, here's
           what's on tap for season nine.
           [McClure pushes a button on the remote, and we see a still
           shot of Homer turning Lisa into a frog]
           [mock-spooky]  Magic powers!
           [McClure cycles through three pictures of Selma marrying
           Apu, the Bee Guy, and Itchy]
           Wedding after wedding after wedding.
           [McClure pushes the button again, and we see Bart
           confronting two thinly disguised variations of himself]
           And did someone say, "long-lost triplets?"
           [cut to a shot of the Simpsons] So join America's favorite
           TV family, [an alien appears, floating above the family]
           and a tiny green space alien named Ozmodiar that only Homer
           can see, on Fox this fall.  It'll be out of this world!
           Right, Ozmodiar?
Ozmodiar:  Damn straight, Troy my man!
Troy + Oz: Goodnight, America!
-- Troy McClure signs off, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase"

% Audience applauds.  Fade to black.
%
% [End of Act Three.  Time:  22:20]

==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{bb}  Ben Ball
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dga} Dale G. Abersold
{dj}  Darrel Jones
{djp} Dallas J. Pesola
{dn}  Daryl Nagamine
{hl}  Haynes Lee
{hs}  Harrison Stark
{jh}  Jason Hancock
{jk}  Joe Klemm
{jv}  Johnny Veitch
{mss} Marge Starbrod Simpson
{ol}  Ondre Lombard
{pu}  Pamela Udomprasert
{rj}  Ryan Johnson
{rv}  Robert Vasquez
{st}  Stephen Tiszenkel

==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
This episode capsule is Copyright 2000 Benjamin Robinson.  It is not to be
redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current
maintainer (capsules@snpp.com).  All quoted material and episode summaries
remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox.  All
other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors.  The
transcript itself is Copyright 1998 Benjamin Robinson.  The post, "Memorable
Phil Hartman moments," is Copyright 1998 Don Smith.  Used with permission.

This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie,
Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are
today.  Also, thanks to Dave Hall, for the use of his extensive a.t.s. article
archives.

Goodbye, Mr. Hartman.