The Cartridge Family Written by John Swartzwelder Directed by Pete Michels ============================================================================== Production code: 5F01 Original Airdate on FOX: 02-Nov-97 Capsule revision B (21-May-2000) ============================================================================== > "TV Guide" synopsis ============================================================================== None submitted. [If you use these summarise to determine if you have found the right capsule, here's a TV Guide-like synopsis: Following a violent sports event, Homer buys a gun to protect his family, driving Marge and the kids away from home.] ============================================================================== > Title sequence ============================================================================== Blackboard: EVERYONE IS TIRED OF THAT \ RICHARD GERE STORY EVERYONE IS TIRED OF THAT \ RICHARD GERE ST (at cutoff) Couch: Everybody has their rear ends on fire as they run to a water-filled couch. They hop on board as steam emerges from them. ============================================================================== > Didja notice... ============================================================================== ... the scoreboard reads 01|01 on the commercial at the start of the episode? ... at the soccer match you can see Marge's hair in the crowd? ... during the riot, Dr. Hibbert is strangling Dr. Nick? ... some thugs rocking a car about during Kent Brockman's news report? ... some kids push over a dog in the background during Kent Brockman's news report? ... there are signs above each aisle in the gun shop that say "aisle"? ... OFF were watching a switched-off TV when Homer first presented the gun? ... when Homer was muttering and Lisa stopped him, he called his wife "Marge" to Lisa? Shouldn't he have said "Mom?" [this DYN courtesy of {st951215@pip.cc.brandeis.edu}] Mike Evans: ... Mr. Burns is at the NRA meeting? ... Bart is actually too short to reach the freezer? Jeremy Gallen: ... Homer is a state senator in his dream? ... Homer resembles a state senator from the so-called "Rich Man's Club" in the late nineteenth century? ... Homer was susposedly sleepwalking, since he mysteriously got into his car while dreaming at the Kwik-E-Mart? ... Bart puts the apple in Milhouse's mouth, rather than on top of this head? ... Milhouse says "Jinx!" when he takes the apple out of his mouth? ... Milhouse can cook? ... the remaining lighted letters at the motel say "Sleazy Motel?" ... Quimby says, "Vote Quimby" when Homer pops into his motel room? ... the continental breakfast consists only of an egg? ... Snake says "Yoink!" [First time he ever has --hmw] ... the motel has a silent alarm? Andrew Gill: ... there is a brief second where Marge appears to be about to haggle with the bill? (See comments and other observations) Jonathan S. Haas: ... the Springfield state flag at the NRA meeting? ... the NRA logo at the meeting was accurate? ... Homer's actually a pretty good shot, if horribly irresponsible? ... in Homer's vision of the future, Marge wears a pink-and-white spotted bikini? ... in Homer's vision of the future, he wears a suit with top hat, monocle, bow tie and carnation? ... in Homer's vision of the future, he's smoking a cigar and twirling his gun? Joe Klemm: ... how relieved Maggie is when he sits on the water filled couch in the couch gag? ... the soccer game starts some time after 1:30 P.M.? ... a couple of kids dogtipping behind Kent Brockman? ... Mayor Quimby slept on the other side of the hotel from Marge? Benjamin Robinson: ... during the riots, two boys tip over a dog? ... Marge cuts a nice figure in a bikini, for a 'toon? (Okay, it's not really a DYN, but can you deny that it's true?) ... as she leaves with the family, Marge's door slamming rustles the hairs on Homer's head? ... the kitschy clown and Elvis paintings in the hotel room? ... when Cletus asks if Homer is a moron, Homer answers, "Yeah, but..."? ... as she leaves the hotel, Marge's walking posture is the same as a '40's movie femme fatale? Donni Saphire-Bernstein: ... Dr. Hibbert throttling Dr. Nick at the soccer game? ... the "Snap Into A Slim Jim" wrestler guy promoting the Soccer Match? ... how cartoony Bart's catch of the "Payeeya" (sp) was? ... how Homer seemed fatter when Marge left him for the motel? ... Marge seemed to get angrier when Homer said he felt how God must feel when he picked up a gun? ... a sign at the hotel said "No Vacancy," but the family got in anyway? ... Homer seemed to say "Lousy Big Shit" when he stamped out of the store without his gun? (listened to it three times and I swear that's what it sounded like) ============================================================================== > Voice Credits ============================================================================== - Starring - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Krusty, Sideshow Mel, Groundskeeper Willie, Willie's friend, Mayor Quimby) - Julie Kavner (Marge, Selma) - Nancy Cartwright (Bart) - Yeardley Smith (Lisa) - Hank Azaria (Pele - soccer player who promotes Crestfield Wax Paper, Moe, clerk at gun store, Apu, TV repair man, Cletus, Snake) - Harry Shearer (TV commercial voice, Kent Brockman, Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, Lenny, Ex-Con salesman, Louie, Dr. Hibbert) - Also Starring - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse) - Tress MacNeille (Agnes Skinner) ============================================================================== > Movie (and other) references ============================================================================== + "The Partridge Family" (TV show) {bjr} - the episode title, natch + Richard Gere/gerbil legend (... uh, legend) {bjr} - Bart's blackboard punishment refers to an impolite legend involving Richard Gere and a gerbil (See "Personal Comments & Observations," if you're old enough) + "Monday Night Football" (TV show) {bjr} - Hank Williams, Jr. gets the audience psyched for soccer, just as he does for "real" football on ABC + Last year's soccer riot {ag} - people rushing the field for a brief instant. Anyone remember the fatalities? + Monsters of Rock tour {bjr} - the promoter of "Monsters of Poetry" must have been inspired by multi-group hard-rock tour + Bed Bath & Beyond {bjr} - chain of furniture and accessories store spoofed as "Bloodbath & Beyond" + "Laverne and Shirley" (1970s TV series) - arguament over the pronounciation of "fudgesicles" {msc} + "Spin City" (TV series) {bjr} - Owner of Spinster City apartments must be Michael J. Fox fan ============================================================================== > Previous episode references ============================================================================== - [7F23] Homer's stay in the New Bedlam institution is on his permanent record {bjr} - [8F11, 9F04, 1F08, 1F09] Homer has a shotgun {jg} - [8F24] Mr. Black (Kamp Krusty's ringleader) makes an appearance at Homer's NRA meeting {bjr} - [8F24] Krusty mentions Queen Elizabeth II {jg} - [2F16], [2F20] Maggie takes a shot at Mr. Burns {bjr} - [3F09] Homer fights George Bush {bjr} - [7F24] Homer goes to the insane asylum {dsb} - [1F09] Guns going off without warning {dsb} - [2F12] The bit where the soccer match is practically dead (one team passing the ball amongst themselves while the other team looks on helplessly) reminded me of the basketball match Krusty betted on - [3F13] Smithers linked to the Burns shooting {dsb} ============================================================================== > Freeze frame fun ============================================================================== - Sign at the former internment camp {bjr} +----------------------+ | SPRINGFIELD STADIUM | | | | TONIGHT: | | SOCCER | | TOMORROW: | | MONSTERS OF POETRY | +----------------------+ - Recurring characters seen at the soccer match - The Simpsons - Eddie - Chief Wiggum - Larry (the barfly) - Sam (the barfly) - Cletus - Brandine - Professor Frink - Sherri/Terri - The old guy who `retired' in 9F05 - Jimbo - Carl - Rev. Lovejoy - Sideshow Mel - Moe - Sanjay - Principle Skinner - Superintendent Chalmers - Ned Flanders - Otto - Lenny - Disco Stu - Dr. Nick - Barney - Groundskeeper Willie - Nelson - Dr. Hibbert - The sign on the side of the security van +------------------------+ | EX-CON | | HOME SECURITY | | | | From the Big House... | | To Your House | +------------------------+ - At ye olde gunne shoppe {bjr} BLOODBATH & BEYOND GUN SHOP - Things in the gun store {jsh} - Lots of rifles, handguns, and shotguns - Boxes labeled "Bazooka" - Confederate battle flag - Assorted duck decoys - Grenades -- "Buy 1, Get 1 Free!" - Bulletproof vests - Sign on a table in the gun store +----------+ | ASSORTED | | DUCK | | DECOYS | +----------+ - Things Homer could have shot - Ducks - Rabbits - The department store van - The gruesome twosome on a double bike - Ned Flanders - Ned Flanders, again - On a truck passing Homer {bjr} +-------------------+ | [Target logo] | | TARGET | | DEPARTMENT STORES | (product placement at its finest) +-------------------+ - At the NRA meeting {bjr} +-------------------+ | N. R. A. | | MEETING | | TODAY | | Come In and Shoot | | Your Mouth Off | +-------------------+ - Characters seen at the NRA meeting - Barney - Moe - Marge - Homer - Cletus - Agnes Skinner - Kearney - Otto - Mr. Burns - Smithers - Eddie - Rainier Wolfcastle - Sideshow Mel - Krusty - Guns of the Springfield chapter of the NRA {jsh} - Dr. Hibbert has a chrome revolver - Krusty has a black semi-auto handgun - Moe has a fully-automatic rifle. These are tightly controlled and very hard to get. - Kearney has a revolver. (Kearney, of course, is above the Federally-mandated 21-year-old minimum age limit for handguns) - Rainier Wolfcastle has a semiautomatic military rifle. (Note that he needs to pull the trigger for each shot.) - Agnes Skinner has a grenade - Dinner plate substitutes {jsh} - Maggie has a pot - Lisa has a pan - Bart has a muffin tin and a glass - Homer has a colander - Marge has a glass - Patty and Selma's building now has a name {bjr} +------------+ | SPINSTER | | CITY | | APARTMENTS | +------------+ - Homer's home-made sign {bjr} +-------------+ | GUN WARMING | | TONIGHT | | | | Nachos | | Rifles | | Alcohol | +-------------+ - At the motel {bjr} +------------+ | SLEEP-EAZY | (shortly thereafter, SL_E_-_AZY) | MOTEL | +------------+ +--------------+ | HOURLY RATES | | ADULT MOVIES | +--------------+ +------------+ | No Vacancy | (in script) +------------+ +------------+ +--------+ | UNDER NEW | | VOTE | | MANAGEMENT | | QUIMBY | | NIGHTLY | +--------+ +------------+ - Cola cans Homer shot {dsb} - Buzz Cola - Classical Buzz - Caffiene Free Buzz - Diet Buzz - New Crystal Buzz - People who walk through the metal detector at the NRA meeting - Moe - Krusty - Rainier Wolfcastle - Kearney ============================================================================== > Animation, continuity, and other goofs ============================================================================== * The Simpsons eat breakfast at the kitchen table, and dinner in the dining room (usually), so actually they don't always eat at the same table. {bjr} * Two foreign countries wouldn't have a soccer match in the U.S., and instead in either one of the two competing countries. If the U.S. was competing, then they could have a soccer match in the U.S. {jg} * Homer already has a shotgun. [c.f. 8F11, 9F04, 1F08, 1F09] {jg} * Marge shouldn't object to Homer's use of the gun, as she had one in 2F21. {jg} * Homer should have known that Maggie shot Mr. Burns, as he was present when his shooter was announced in 2F20. {jg} = The Crystal Clear Buzz Cola can had a non-clear beverage concealed inside. {jg} = Lisa foolishly complained that Homer was making to much noise for 3:00 AM, although her bedside clock obviously reads the time 9:50 PM. * Why would Krusty say what he did about the British monarch, as he was knighted by Elizabeth II in 8F24? {jg} = Lisa didn't actually insert a coin into the bible. {jg} * The NRA isn't an organization for protecting other people from danger, I believe. It's just an organization for people with guns. {jg} ============================================================================== > Reviews ============================================================================== Dale G. Abersold: Once again, satire the Simpsons way: both sides of the debate get mocked. Overall, a very funny episode, although both the very ending and the first few minutes of the episode both could have been improved. While Homer was fairly dumb, somehow it didn't bother me so much here. (A-) Chris Courtois: "The Cartridge Family" was yet another wildly uneven Swartzwelder outing. (Has the guy written any other kind of episode since Season 5?) One the plus side, we got some funny throwaway gags in the soccer riot and sleazy motel scenes. On the other hand, we had a topical story that kept lurching back and forth across the line between witty satire and heavy handed preachiness, and the umpteenth reiteration of "Homer-and- Marge-have-a-falling-out". The episode didn't really play fair, either, by putting the gun in the hands of Asshole Homer, rather than a real Simpsons character. (Many people had the same complaint about "Homer's Phobia". To those I disagreed with then, I guess what goes around, comes around :) ) Overall, this one gets a (B-) Jordan Eisenberg: Possibly my favorite of the season (a title I've been giving to a lot of episodes after I see them for the second time), this episode had all of the elements of a classic. A smooth flowing plot, a strong beginning and end, a steady flow of Simpsonesque (read: funny) gags, a few good one-liners, sight gags, a hilarious Homer hallucination "What would life be like if I robbed the Kwik-E-Mart?" and, well, the first time in a while I lost track of what I was writing trying to think of all the funny parts! (A+) Jeremy Gallen: This was an excellent episode about Homer's experience with a firearm. What else can I say? (A+) Andrew Gill: This episode was one of the least funny GOOD episodes that I've seen in a while. I'm always on the lookout for good quotes, but this one seemed to have very little in the humor department. Of course, that's not the point of this episode. For a preachy episode, this one ranks up there pretty high. (B) Billy Goode: Pretty darned good. Once again, however, there is no subplot to help offset some serious subject matter. Handgun ownership is an issue that causes passionate reactions on both sides and a nice subplot would have helped add some levity. Treatment of the gun issue was a bit wandering: Marge gives anti-gun statistic and Homer is a walking add to ban them; conversely, NRA members are portrayed somewhat favorably and Marg keeps the gun at the end. Some great lines and some solid laugh-out-loud moments. And remember- Vote Quimby! (B+) Joe Klemm: Talk about a funny episode. The episode was better than I thought. I found the soccer riot, the family scenes at the hotel, and Kearney at the NRA meeting ROTFL. Now if I can only see Bart with the girls at the sleazy hotel. (A-) Werner Peeters: When watching this episode, my wife said: "Hey! Didn't she wear a gun in the episode where she became a cop?" And this is also my critic about this episode: on numerous previous occasions, the Simpsons have wielded weapons of all kinds, so it's a little bit strange that Marge is making such a fuss about it altogether. But generally the jokes were quite okay, I especially enjoyed the various forms of misuse of a gun Homer is demonstrating, and the hilarious NRA meetings ("So this is how, with a few minor adjustments, you turn a regular gun into five guns"). Vote Quimby!! (B) Benjamin Robinson: This on-target episode is well balanced, well plotted and best of all, funny. Only Homer can think of so many hilariously inappropriate uses for a gun in the house! I also liked how "The Cartridge Family" made its point against guns in the house without vilifying all gun owners. The ninth season's first "hit." (A) Donni Saphire-Bernstein: It wasn't as patently pro-gun control as some of the gun nuts here had feared it would be, but it still had that irritating taste of a "Very Special Episode." That being said, I thought it had quite a lot going for it. The soccer riots were great, the tv repairman at the Bouvier's was perfect, and I've always thought Homer and gun owners were on about the same mental wavelength :). Marge came across reasonable as opposed to narrowminded, a refreshing change from how she's been lately concerning serious issues. And though the Very Special Episode thing was unavoidable, Marge walking away with the gun avoid a predictable ending and kept up with standard Simpsons unpredictability. (B+) Doc Quack: I find that this episode was confusing, trying to preach a lesson that it couldn't sustain. Lisa's statement that the Bill of Rights was out of date, picking out one section, while ignoring that her statements could apply to freedom of speech and religion, seemed far too radical for her. On the bright side, all of us that find Marge to be a sexy woman, got two treats in this show. One, Homer's mental view of her in a very sexy and revealing outfit, plus Marge's strut when she pockets the pistol for herself. I don't think this one is destined to be a classic by anyone's reasoning, but like any of the Simpson shows, it does have a bright spot or two. (C) Yours truly: A cool episode. (B+) ============================================================================== > Comments and other observations ============================================================================== >> The making of "The Cartridge Family" Benjamin Robinson: This behind-the-scenes information appears on www.snpp.com, but I wanted to include it here for the record: "CNardozza@aol.com mentions [...] There was a great gag at the end of this episode which will without a doubt not appear in the show: When Marge get the bill from the hotel clerk (the guy with one arm) she looks at it puzzled and says 'I didn't order a blowjob!'. I swear it's true!!!" Ha ha! Great gag! (Well, if this story is really true, and would it be on SNPP if it wasn't?) The censors probably made the right call; it's not really appropriate for something that airs 8:00pm on a Sunday. "The closing credits should have 'Happiness is a Warm Gun', but they're still waiting for Michael Jackson's OK." Well, hopefully they didn't try too hard to get permission, because theme music under credits appears to be a thing of the past, at least for now. >> That Richard Gere story, again Benjamin Robinson: According to a recurring urban legend, actor Richard Gere was injured while pursuing a deviant sexual practice that required shaving the fur of off gerbils and stuffing the live rodents up his bum. I'm inclined to disbelieve this tale, if only because I've heard the same thing repeated about other celebrities, both national and regional. (Usually, if you hear the same sensational story about two or more different people, that's a sign the story is bogus.) This is not the first time the show has referenced this legend. Observe Smithers in Dr. Nick's waiting room in, "My Sister, My Sitter (4F13)." >> Yiddish, Springfield style Benjamin Robinson: At the soccer game, Krusty calls the players a bunch of, "schnorrers." According to http://www.bergen.org/AAST/Projects/Yiddish/English/comwor.html this is the Yiddish word for beggar. Later, Krusty calls Homer a "yutz," which is one of the million or so words for a stupid jerk. >> Are you ready for some football? Well? Are you? Benjamin Robinson: In the rest of the civilized world, it's called, "football," and fans follow it as avidly as "Simpsons" fans follow DYNs. Here in America, it's called, "soccer," and we pay about as much attention to it as we do to UPN. The episode hinted at what I suspect may be the reason for soccer's slow acceptance stateside: while there may be a ton of action in a game, much of it revolves around finessing the ball into position, rather than scoring. The two sportscasters' reactions are typical. Kent Brockman, the Yank, is bored to death by the proceedings; his European counterpart is on the edge of his seat with excitement. The term "soccer riot" is most closely associated with Great Britain, which has had its share of fighting (and fatalities, unfortunately). However, passionate feelings about soccer aren't just limited to their corner of the globe. In Central America, actual wars (!) have started over disputed soccer outcomes. More recently, angry gangsters killed a player who screwed up at the World Cup when he returned home. And the Indianapolis Colts thought they had it rough... >> Five Days Joe Klemm: The five day waiting period law is the Brady Bill. The bill, which was signed in 1993, was created by a former Secret Service member who was shot in 1981 when he tried to save Regan from being killed by the Jodie Foster fanatic. Doc Quack: It has also been appealed by law enforcement officers since it makes them de facto slaves of the federal government, doing paperwork without pay, which is a federal offense. Another misconception is that it is in effect in the entire US. It's only in effect in those states without an existing waiting period. It does not apply to the state of Florida, for example. >> Who shot Mr. Burns? Joe Klemm: Homer's comment of Smithers shotting Burns refers to the alternative ending to Who Shot Mr. Burns. The ending, along with five fake endings, were made in order to keep the real ending a secret from everyone. While the five fake ones were made to make people who knew the animators get a false idea of how it ends, the alternative ending was used to make the producers not tell the real ending. >> The King of England? Not likely. Andrew Gill: A typical argument used by gun-toting lowlifes (and me) is that the first step that an oppressive government will take is to get rid of their weapons, so that there can be no insurrection. This is the first time that I've heard that in conjunction with the King of England, though. >> Damn soccer, Why can't we have more football? Andrew Gill: For those outside the US, soccer is considered one of those "sissy sports" by many Americans (read--it's not basketball, baseball, or football), In recent years, this has changed drastically. Soccer has taken off, and it may soon be as popular as it is elsewhere. [It already is. In the UK it's like a mainstream religion. --hmw] >> The Sky's the limit... Lets hope the people at Sky TV in the UK aren't supersticious. 5F01 was going to be broadcast as usual back in 1997, but shortly before it premiered, a mass-shooting occured in the States (can't remember whereabouts). In respect for the victims (and for their own good name), Sky didn't show "The Cartridge Family," and instead, released it around 1.5/2 years later on the "Too Hot For TV" video tape. The episode was going to be broadcast sometime after January 1st 2000 when the incident wasn't recent anymore, but then sometime close to the release of the video tape version, the Colorado tragedy happened, shoving it back once again. Who knows if it will ever be seen on UK television. Ross Tregaskis: Strangely, they allowed "Homer the Vigilante" (1F10) through uncut (which has a similar plotline and gun references). The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is: Guns and Donuts ============================================================================== > Quotes and Scene Summary {jo} ============================================================================== % Act one. On the Simpsons' TV, a man in a cowboy hat barbeques a soccer % ball and thrusts it, skewered and flaming, at the camera, screaming, "Open % wide for some soccer!" As the commercial continues, high-action footage % of soccer matches accompany the announcer's voice. TV Announcer: The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Springfield! It's all here--fast-kicking, low scoring, and ties? You bet! Bart: Hey, Dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game? Homer: I...don't know. TV Announcer: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga! Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza! Homer: Oh, I never heard of those people. TV Announcer: And they'll all be signing autographs! Homer: Woo-hoo! TV Announcer: This match will determine once and for all which nation is the greatest on earth: Mexico or Portugal! -- Watching television, "The Cartridge Family" % After wholeheartedly accepting Bart and Lisa's pleas that the family % attend the match, we watch as the crowds gather at Springfield Stadium. % The Simpsons sit together, preparing themselves for watching the game. Oh, I'll kill myself if Portugal doesn't win. -- Homer making empty threats, "The Cartridge Family" Marge: It's hard to believe this used to be an internment camp. Bart: Yo! Paella Man! Wing one up here! -- At the soccer game, "The Cartridge Family" % The vendor tosses a bowl of yellow goop toward Bart, who catches it. % Lisa, meanwhile, points out that Pele is on the field. The soccer star % takes a microphone in hand and addresses the crowd. Pele is king of the soccer field. To be king of your kitchen, use Crestfield Wax Paper. -- Think he works for Crestfield? A sellout soccer player, "The Cartridge Family" % The referee blows his whistle, and the game begins. The Mexican team % has first possession of the ball, kicking it with extreme caution around % midfield as the crowd buzzes with excitement. The opposition stands nearby, % hesitantly guarding its side. As the situation continues, the crowd's % excitement begins to level off, until everyone in the stands sits silent. Homer: [shouting] Boring! Krusty: Come on, you schnorers, do something! Brockman: [calling plays from booth listlessly] Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. [rolls eyes] Holds it... Mexican Announcer: [excitedly] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds it! Sideshow Mel: I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving! Moe: Yeah, not before me you ain't. Flanders: Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone! Moe: Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal! [puts Flanders into a headlock] Skinner: Hey, now, that's uncalled for. Lenny: Shut your hole, Skinner! -- The start of a traditional soccer riot, "The Cartridge Family" % Lenny punches Principal Skinner in the stomach, knocking him into the % aisle stairway. He collides with Barney's beer tray, spilling it. Barney, % enraged, runs headfirst into the increasingly large number of people % fighting on the stairs, bowling them over. Meanwhile, a group of Scottish % men watching the game stare boredly at nothing in particular. Ach! They call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school! -- Groundskeeper Willie to his fellow scots, "The Cartridge Family" % The men, rolling up their sleeves, start to pound anyone who comes near % them. It's not long before the entire stadium is embroiled in a voilent % riot. The Simpsons stand next to their seats. Marge: Homer, we've got to get out of here! Homer: Ooh, but I want to do some rioting. [pushes one of the Scotsmen] Scotsman: [turns to face Homer, screaming] Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker! Homer: All done! [runs off] -- "The Cartridge Family" % Strolling down Evergreen Terrace, surrounded by violence, Kent Brockman % delivers the evening news. What began as a traditional soccer riot has escalated into a city-wide orgy of destruction. [dodges a flying bottle] Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby has declared mob rule. So, for the next several years, it's every family for itself! -- Kent Brockman keeping the citizens calm, "The Cartridge Family" % Behind the reporter, Snake runs out with the Flanders' TV as Marge, Lisa, % and Bart stare out the window. Homer, however, sits relaxedly on the couch. Lisa: Somebody's got to stop them! Bart: Let's wait until they burn the school down! Marge: Oh, my God. Homer, they're right next door. Homer: Relax, Marge. If someone tries to get in, my burglar alarm will let us know. [camera shows poorly constructed `alarm' made with household items] -- Hiding from the riot, "The Cartridge Family" % Rigged to the doorknob via fishing line is a goldfish bowl, a fishing % rod, a flashlight, a magnifying glass, and an alarm clock; when the doorknob % begins to wiggle, Marge gasps. Homer reassures her, telling her to watch % the fish; she does, watching it plucked from the water by a hand emerging % from the mail slot. "D'oh," she laments, as Homer looks on blankly. % Sometime in the near future, a home security van is parked in front of % the Simpson home. Inside, Homer and Marge sit on the couch as the system % salesman inspects their home. Salesman: Looks like you called me just in time. This home isn't secure at all. [He begins to pocket a few items from around the house.] Homer: [to Marge] What did I tell you, Marge? Salesman: Intruders could come in down the chimney, through the mail slot, even hidden in your groceries. -- Gasp! "The Cartridge Family" % Marge eyes a sack of groceries in the kitchen suspiciously. Salesman: Did you change the locks when you moved in? Eh, I thought not. All the previous owners of this house could still be in here somewhere. Marge: What do you recommend? Salesman: Well, a lot of companies would put in a pretty system that looks good, but doesn't provide any real protection. Homer: Oh, let's get that! Salesman: But if you really want to sleep easy at night I'd recommend sealing off every door and window with bullet-proof lucite. Marge: Wouldn't we all suffocate? Salesman: [laughs] Well, I should hope not! Homer: Let's get that, the suffocation thing. Salesman: And you can have it all for just five hundred dollars. Homer: Five hundred dollars?! Aw, forget it. -- "The Cartridge Family" % Pushing the salesman out the front door, Homer hears his final case. Salesman: But surely you can't put a price on your family's lives. Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are. -- God, he loves them so, "The Cartridge Family" % Homer shuts the door behind him, where Marge stands worriedly. Marge: Homer, we need something to protect this family. Homer: I couldn't agree more, Marjorie. You deserve peace of mind, and peace of mind you shall have. -- "The Cartridge Family" % At the local gun store, Homer talks with the man behind the counter. Homer: I'd like to buy your deadliest gun, please. Gun Shop Owner: Aisle six, next to the sympathy cards. -- At the gun store, "The Cartridge Family" % End of act one. % Act two. In the gun shop, Homer practices handling an unloaded handgun. % Pointing it at the store owner's head, he pulls the trigger several times. Gun Shop Owner: Woah, careful there, Annie Oakley. [takes gun] Homer: I don't have to be careful. I got a gun. -- At the gun store, "The Cartridge Family" Gun Shop Owner: Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit. Holster... Homer: Oh, yeah. Gun Shop Owner: Bandoleer. Homer: Baby. Gun Shop Owner: Silencer. Homer: Mmm-hmm. Gun Shop Owner: Loudener. Homer: [drooling noise] Gun Shop Owner: Speed-cocker. Homer: Ooh, I like the sound of that. Gun Shop Owner: And this is for shooting down police helicopters. Homer: Oh, I don't need anything like that... [paranoid]...yet. Just give me my gun. [grabs for gun] -- "The Cartridge Family" Gun Shop Owner: Sorry, the law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check. Homer: Five days? But I'm mad now! -- "The Cartridge Family" % The owner finally pulls the gun away from Homer. Homer: I'd kill you if I had my gun! Gun Shop Owner: Yeah, well, you don't. Homer: [walking out of store to his car] Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, if he didn't have any guns I'd show him a thing or two...[at home, pacing the hallway in front of Lisa's bedroom]...let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods... Lisa: Dad...it's three A.M! Can't you mutter in your room? Homer: Marge kicked me out. Lisa: [groans] All right. Go ahead. Homer: Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house, Why, I tell you these parents these days they don't know how to rear children... -- Homer being his annoying self, "The Cartridge Family" % The next day, Homer sits in his front yard in a lawn chair wondering how % he's going to make it for five days without a gun. Accompanied by Tom % Petty's "Waiting Is The Hardest Part", he watches as a Target Superstores % truck, his sisters-in-law on a bicycle, a row of ducks, and Ned Flanders % on a riding lawnmower pass by, each escaping without a shot fired in their % direction. Finally, the days pass, and he waits impatiently outside the % Gun Shop as the owner unlocks the door. Running inside, he runs into the % men's room, flushes, and walks calmly to the front counter. Homer: Now, I believe you have some sort of firearm for me. Gun Shop Owner: Well, let's see here. According to your background check, you've been in a mental institution... Homer: Yeah. Gun Shop Owner: ...frequent problems with alcohol... Homer: [laughs nervously] Yeah. Gun Shop Owner: ...beat up President Bush! Homer: Former President Bush. [The owner slaps a red rubber stamper on Homer's printout.] Homer: "Potentially dangerous"?! Gun Shop Owner: Relax, that just limits you to three handguns or less. Homer: Woo hoo! -- God bless America, "The Cartridge Family" % Back at home, Marge sits on the couch watching television with the kids, % when Homer comes in the room with his hands behind his back. Homer: Close your eyes, Marge. I've got a surprise for you! Marge: Mmm! [closes eyes] Homer: Okay...open your eyes. %We see it from Marge's perspective: her eyelids open, revealing Homer % pointing the barrel of his gun at her face. She screams. Hey! It's a handgun! Isn't it great? This is the trigger, this is the thing you point at whatever you want to die... -- It's the best thing a wife could have wanted! "The Cartridge Family" Marge: [hands in the air] Homer! I don't want guns in my house! Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns? Homer: I thought Smithers did it. Lisa: That would've made a lot more sense... -- Ah, memories, "The Cartridge Family" Bart: Hey Dad, can I borrow the gun tommorrow? I want to scare that old security guard at the bank. Homer: Only if you clean your room. -- "The Cartridge Family" Marge: Mmm! No! [pulls gun from Homer] No one's using this gun! The TV said you're fifty-eight percent more likely to shoot a family member than an intruder! Homer: TV said that...? But I have to have a gun! It's in the Constitution! Lisa: Dad! The Second Amendment is just a remnant from revolutionary days. It has no meaning today! Homer: You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here any time he wants, and start shoving you around. [pushing Lisa] Do you want that? [pushing her harder] Huh? Do you? Lisa: [quietly indignant] No... Homer: All right, then. Marge: I'm sorry, Homer. No weapons. -- "The Cartridge Family" A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or...uh, a...an alligator. You just need more education on the subject. Tell you what. You come with me to an N.R.A. meeting, and if you still don't think guns are great...we can argue some more. -- Homer laying down the sweet talk, "The Cartridge Family" % Walking to a local N.R.A. meeting, Homer and Marge arrives at the entrance, % where Lou and Eddie monitor the metal detector. Moe, Krusty, and Rainier % Wolfcastle each pass through, setting off a red light on top. When Kearney % walks through without setting it off, Eddie sends him back through, where % Lou hands him a pistol. He carries it through, this time setting it off. % Inside, Lenny, M-16 in hand, talks to the audience from a podium. Lenny: Assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason: to take out today's modern super animals, such as the flying squirrel, and the electric eel. -- Don't forget the Gila Monster and Komodo Dragon, "The Cartridge Family" % Homer asks Marge if she's learning anything, to which she grumbles. Next, % Moe approaches the microphone. Moe: Uh, hi, I'm Moe S. Crowd: Hi, Moe! Moe: Yeah, so last night I was closing up the bar, when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up. [the crowd gasps] Sideshow Mel: Whatever did you do, Moe? Moe: Well, it coulda been a real ugly situation, but, I managed to shoot him in the spine. [crowd claps and cheers] Moe: Yeah. I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp! -- At the N.R.A. meeting, "The Cartridge Family" % After the N.R.A. gathering shares a laugh with Moe, Homer stands up. Homer: Hi, I'm Homer S. Crowd: Hi, Homer! Homer: Hi. It seems if a gun can protect something as important as a bar, it's good enough to protect my family. So if you'll have me, I'd like to become a lifetime member of your wonderful organization. -- [sniff] "The Cartridge Family" % The association cheers wildly. Marge grabs Homer by the shirt and % pulls him within whispering range. Marge: [to Homer] Homer, you can't join up with these gun nuts! Homer: Oh, come on, be fair, Marge! For once in your life, be fair! Marge: Oh... -- "The Cartridge Family" % At an indoor firing range, several N.R.A. members practice shooting. % Homer takes aim and shoots a row of cans, which turn out to be on the % counter of the snack bar. Later, at the Kwik-E-Mart, Homer walks in, % twirling his pistol on his finger. Apu: Oh! Don't shoot! Just take the money and get out! Homer: What? Oh, Apu, I would never...or would I? I've already gone this far. I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the Kwik-E-Mart... -- It's already going to his head, "The Cartridge Family" % Homer imagines himself sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a % beautiful mansion, dressed in a top hat and suit with a sash reading % "Senator". He smokes a cigar and twirls his gun on his finger. As music % plays, Marge dances in a pink bikini. Convinced, Homer makes his decision. Homer: I'll do it. I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart. All right, put your... % Homer realizes that he's already left the store, having somehow % purchased a sandwich and gotten into his car. Although frustrated, he % lightheartedly promises himself that he'll rob it next time. Arriving at % home, he emerges from his car to find Lisa in the driveway, staring at a % basketball stuck on the roof. Lisa: Can you help me get my ball down from the roof, Dad? Homer: Sure thing, honey. [he shoots it down; it deflates upon hitting the ground] You want me to get the cat down? Lisa: [quickly] No thanks! -- "The Cartridge Family" % In the backyard, Homer shoots dinner plate clay pigeons, tossed into the % air by Bart. Later that evening, the Simpsons eat their spaghetti dinner % out of various alternative dishes, such as a pots, a cookie sheet, and a % strainer. Marge stares at her glass of food. Marge: Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went? Bart: Dahm... Homer: Mmm...you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next N.R.A. get togther? [Homer points his gun to his chest, indicating himself] -- Careful with that gun! You could rip your shirt! "The Cartridge Family" Marge: Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table! Homer: You said the breakfast table. Marge: It's the same table! Homer: Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on. -- [sigh of relief] "The Cartridge Family" % Homer attempts to flip the safety switch, but ends up setting it off. % He fires a bullet into a picture of Marge hanging on the wall, grazing her % shoulder. Homer: Whoops. Guess it was already on. % He adjust the switch one more time, firing the gun again. Another bullet % hits the picture, this one landing square in her chest. Homer: Ah, I'd better just put it down. % Homer sets the gun on the table, where it discharges again. It hits % a pot sitting on the counter, and ricochets, hitting a knife stuck into % a piece of cheese. The knife flies through the air, sticking into the % wall on which Marge's picture hangs, landing between her eyes. The entire % family stares blankly at the knife embedded in the photo; Marge's mouth % hangs open. Lisa: No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool. Marge: [staring at her picture nervously] Homer, I think you'd agree that I've put up with a lot in this marriage... -- Uh oh, "The Cartridge Family" % Homer opens his mouth to disagree, but sees that both his children are % shaking their heads at him. He closes his mouth and lets Marge continue. Marge: ...but this is the first time since we've been married that I've actually feared for our lives. So I'm asking you, if you really care about me and the children...please, please get rid of the gun! % Homer looks her in the eyes, looks down at his gun, then back at Marge. Homer: All right, Marge. I'll do it. For you. Marge: [hugs him] I'm a lucky woman. Homer: And I'm a wonderful man. -- "The Cartridge Family" % Sometime in the future, Bart grunts, trying to climb up the refrigerator % shelves to reach the freezer. Bart: Aw, I don't feel them. Milhouse: You said there'd be fudgeicles, Bart. Where's the fudgeicles? Bart: First, it's fudgesicle. And I know they're up here. I just need a better foothold. -- Raiding the refridgerator, "The Cartridge Family" % Bart pulls open the vegetable drawer and prepares to try again, but % sees something inside. "Hello!" he exclaims, discovering Homer's gun. % Bart's first gun-related activity (and possibly Milhouse's last) is target % practice: Milhouse sticks an apple in his mouth for the shot. Bart: And the next marksman is: William Tell, Jr.! Milhouse: Jinx! Marge: [coming home] [gasps] Bart! Homer: Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun. Marge: You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun. Homer: I put it in a safe place, Marge! I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper? Marge: How could you? Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst, the most despicable! Homer: But Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out! Marge: Mmm...Until you decide what's more important, your gun, or your family, we can't live in the same house. Come on, kids. Homer: So this is the thanks I get for protecting my family? Then go. I'll be just fine. -- "The Cartridge Family" % The door slams. Homer: Do you know how to cook dinner? Milhouse: [excitedly] Do I?! -- My new son! "The Cartridge Family" % Milhouse starts looking through a cabinet, tossing pots and pans about. % End of act two. % Act three. Marge and the kids knock on the door to Patty and Selma's % apartment. Selma answers, all dolled up. Marge: I've left Homer. Selma: Thank God. Marge: So we need a place to spend the night. Selma: Try the Sleep-Easy motel. I woke up there once. It seemed nice. Marge: Why can't we stay here? Selma: Aah...we have a gentleman caller. TV Repair Man: Hey, this TV's not broken, it's just unplugged. What the? -- At the gruesome twosome's apartment, "The Cartridge Family" % Selma quickly slams the door. Back at the Simpson home, Homer gets % the house ready for the N.R.A. get-together. Homer: Ooh, the gun club's gonna be here any minute! [the doorbell rings] Oh! [gasps] They're here. They're here! Moe: [at door] Hiya, Homer. I brung ya a big bag of irregular Oreos. [dumps them out onto tray, selects one] I don't see what's wrong with this one. [eats it] Oh. -- "The Cartridge Family" % Marge pulls up at the Sleep-Easy Motel, watching as a few of the letters % burn out of the sign, titling itself "Sleazy Motel". The family walks % inside past a quartet of prostitutes. Prostitute: Lookin' for a good time, sailor? Bart: I certainly am. Marge: No you're not! [drags Bart inside the motel, then sticks her head out the door] He's really not. -- "The Cartridge Family" % At the gun club meeting, Moe holds up a rifle, attached via strings % and rods to four smaller weapons. Moe: And that's how, with a few minor adjustments, you can turn a regular gun into five guns. [receives applause] Homer: [walking in] Here's some more chocolate curls, gun buddies. -- At Homer's N.R.A. meeting, "The Cartridge Family" % Homer holds a can of beer out and shoots part of the top off, opening it. Homer: Anyone else want a beer? Hibbert: Homer! You use your gun as a can opener? Homer: I use it for everything! Watch me turn on the TV. -- Hey, could you remove this loose lens on my glasses first? "The Cartridge Family" % Homer fires three shots at the television; the final bullet turns it on. Agnes: I've never seen such recklessness! Louie: You mighta hurt someone! Cleetus: Are you some kind of moron? Homer: Yeah, but... Krusty: Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your face. Moe: Your membership card, please, Homer. [Homer hands Moe his card, who tears it up and pulls out a grater.] Moe: I'll also need to remove your tatoo. Homer: I didn't get one yet. Moe: Rats. Hibbert: Now, since you're no longer a member, please go outside until the meeting is over. [laughs] -- "The Cartridge Family" % Back at the motel, Marge, Bart, and Lisa climb the stairs to their room. Bart: Hey! We got a pool! Lisa: Can we go swimming, Mom? % Marge looks down, and sees a man trying to fish a body out of the water % with a skimmer. "Not right now, dear," she replies. Inside the room, the % kids explore, noticing that the TV and Bible are both coin-operated. Bart % phones the front desk, requesting a three A.M. wake-up call for every room % but his own, and then races Lisa across the room on the vibrating beds. % Marge, however, isn't having so wonderful a night, spending it staring out % the window in dejection. % Back at home, Homer fires his gun at the lights, effectively turning them % off. Ooh, this gun cost me everything. My wife, my kids...everything but my precious, precious gun. -- Homer, "The Cartridge Family" % He shoots the last light in the house out, dejectedly saying "This % stinks," in the darkened house. Back at the motel, Bart and Lisa try to % sleep, while Marge sits next to the door with a baseball bat in hand. Bart: Hey! Is that a camera in the ceiling? Camera: No. Go back to sleep. -- Thank God... "The Cartridge Family" Lisa: [on vibrating bed] This bed is making me nauseous! Why won't it stop? Marge: Honey, it'll be morning soon, try to get some sleep. -- At a sleazy motel, "The Cartridge Family" % Suddenly, the door pops open. Marge turns back around to face it timidly, % finding Mayor Quimby and a redheaded woman standing in the doorway. Quimby: Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Are you planning to stay the whole night? Marge: Yes! Quimby: All right. Vote Quimby! [shuts door] -- "The Cartridge Family" % Homer pulls up to the motel and checks inside several rooms, none of % which have Marge inside. Marge hears him, and the two begin shouting % across the parking lot. Marge: Down here, Homer! Homer: Oh, Marge! There's so many things I want to yell to you! Marge: Come down here! Homer: O-kaaaaay! -- Long distance conversation, "The Cartridge Family" % Inside the motel room, Homer sits with Marge on the bed. Homer: Oh, honey, please come home. I need you! It's dark in the house and I'm hungry and lonesome and there's no one there to hear my various witty remarks! Marge: What about the gun? Homer: It's gone for good, Marge. I finally realized, what's the point of having a gun for protection, if you've got no one to protect? Marge: Oh, Homey... [they hug] Come on, kids, we're going home! -- "The Cartridge Family" % The kids roll by on the vibrating bed, cheering. Down at the front % desk, the Simpsons check out while Mayor Quimby gets a bucket of ice. % Suddenly, Snake bursts into the room and holds a knife to the mayor's neck. Snake: Right, everybody, hands up. You! Give me the cash drawer. Quimby: Do what he says, I'm too rich to die! Homer: [whipping out gun] Freeze, bad guy! -- Oh Homer... "The Cartridge Family" % Snake drops his knife and lets the mayor escape ("Vote Quimby!"). Homer % holds him at gunpoint. Snake: Okay, man. Don't shoot, chill. Marge: Homer! You said you got rid of the gun! You lied to me! Again! Homer: [facing Marge] I know I said that, but what I secretly meant was... Snake: [grabbing the gun] Yoink! Ho, ho! Ha-ha, ha! Homer: The joke's on you, buddy. There's no bullets in that thing! [Homer laughs and jiggles a box of bullets.] Snake: Yo! Give me the bullets! Homer: Okay! Don't shoot! -- "The Cartridge Family" % As Snake begins to load the weapon, Moe, Agnes, Lenny, and Dr. Hibbert % appear in the doorway, pointing guns at Snake. They yell, in unison, "Drop % it!". Snake drops the gun and stares for a moment, takes the money from % the motel employee, yells "Bye!", and runs out the door. Marge: How did you know we were being robbed? Lenny: The clerk here pressed the silent alarm, and we picked it up on our scanners. Lisa: Did anyone stop that robber? Moe: No, I don't think so. -- "The Cartridge Family" % Homer picks his gun up off the floor and looks humble for Marge. I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge. But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun. So please, get rid of it, because I know I'll just lie to you again and again! -- Homer, "The Cartridge Family" % Homer hands his wife the gun, picks Maggie up, and leads the kids outside. % Marge, holding the gun by the barrel, steps on the lid pedal of a nearby % trash can, and is about to throw it in, when she sees her reflection in the % lid. Posing briefly with the gun, she twirls it quickly on her finger and % smiles, admiring her appearance. Closing the lid, she drops the weapon into % her purse and walks out of the motel, closing the door behind her. % End of act three. ============================================================================== > Contributors ============================================================================== {ag} Andrew Gill {bjr} Benjamin J. Robinson {dsb} Donni Saphire-Bernstein {jg} Jeremy Gallen {jo} John Ogan {jsh} Jonathan S. Haas {msc} Michael S. Cooper ============================================================================== > Legal Mumbo Jumbo ============================================================================== [5F01] capsule copyright 1999, Hari Michael Wierny, and The Simpsons Archive. (The quotes remain the property of Fox, and the reproduced articles remain the property of their respective authors. I'm just taking credit for the compilation.) Not to be redistributed in public forum without the permission of the author. The Quotes and Scene Summary itself copyright 1997, John Ogan. Thanks to Benjamin Robinson and Frederic Briere for providing me with a.t.s. archives when needed.