Homer vs. Dignity Written by Rob Lazebnik Directed by Neil Afflek ============================================================================== Production code: CABF04 Original Airdate on FOX: 26-Nov-2000 Capsule revision B (30-Dec-03) ============================================================================== > "TV Guide" Synopsis {bg} ============================================================================== [TV Guide] With Smithers away, Burns hires a cash-hungry Homer as his "prank monkey" to perform stunts that ultimately damage Homer's dignity. Leeza Gibbons has a cameo. Harry Shearer, Dan Castellaneta, Yeardley Smith. [TV Guide ad] "Homer usually plays dumb for free. Tonight, see how low he goes for money!" Burns appears holding a wad of cash, and Homer is standing there in a Panda suit, head removed, saying "Look, I'm smarter than the average bear!" ============================================================================== > Title sequence ============================================================================== Blackboard: I WAS NOT THE SIXTH BEATLE I WAS NOT THE at cutoff Couch: The family skateboards to the couch, jumping off a conveniently placed ramp and doing some nifty aerial stunts before landing. Or at least most of the family does. Homer falls off the edge of the ramp, landing on his bottom. Adding both insult and injury, his skateboard bounces off the top of his head. ============================================================================== > Did You Notice... ============================================================================== ... Carl's word for the day is really "conquer," but he mispronounces it "concur"? ... CBG's comic storage tube combination is 0-0-7? Jeff Cox: ... Mr. Burns only has one lung? ... Homer knows how to do the Lindy Hop? ... Smithers found a woman who looks EXACTLY like the Malibu Stacy doll for his musical? Don Del Grande: ... Bart got an A by studying (as opposed to, say, threatening to reveal what Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel did)? ... Maggie's trumpet sounds like a toy horn? ... you can't hear the trumpet in "Spanish Eyes"? ... in the economic projection, Maggie isn't there? ... Lisa got a polio (Salk virus) shot, rather than the oral (Sabin?) vaccine? Daniel L. Dreibelbis: ... Burns was ready to perform bodily harm to his faithful toady Smithers? ... Smithers was actually able to leave Mr. Burns without going through withdrawal or extreme possessiveness (compare with "Homer The Smithers")? ... Mr. Burns, who can't even remember Homer's name, knows who Carl is? ... Flanders, Rod and Todd, Ruth Powers and Superintendent Chalmers at the panda exhibit? Jean Fontaine: ... both Homer and Marge play guitar left-handed? Joe Green: ... the car with horns on it on front of the New Mexico theater? J Hudkins: ... comedian Dana Gould was listed as a "Consultant" during the opening credits? Darrel Jones: ... New Mexico is, by my count, the 33rd state to be eliminated from consideration as home of Springfield? ... Lenny's a war hero? When did that happen? ... the copy of "Amazing Comics 1" (Spiderman) actually looks like the real thing? Alie Molino: ... Homer must remember Costington's clerk from his dinner theater job, because he doesn't ask the clerk why he talks like that? ... that Lisa suggested that Homer give toys to needy children, but instead most of the children catching toys at the parade are well-off? (The poor kid who was hoping against hope that Santa would show up ["he just has to!"] doesn't get one at all.) Tom Restivo: ... they used the tune of "Happy Birthday/Good Morning To You" (copyrighted song), while in Radio Bart [8F11], they used a faux Birthday Song? Benjamin Robinson: ... the Thanksgiving decorations in Mrs. Krabappel's classroom? ... Nelson is projected to vandalize Homer's gravesite? ... there's an eyewash stand in the cafeteria? Just how toxic is that food, anyway? ... Lisa doesn't applaud the pandas? ... a present bounces off Ralph's head? ... Alf Clausen is once again credited for an individual song ("Sold Separately")? ============================================================================== > Voice Credits ============================================================================== - Starring - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Banker, Costington's clerk {bm}) - Julie Kavner (Marge) - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Nelson, Ralph) - Yeardley Smith (Lisa) - Hank Azaria (Maitre D', Chief Wiggum, Carl, Comic Book Guy, "Get that outta here", Moe, Costington, Prof. Frink) - Harry Shearer (Skinner, Waiter [?], Planner, Smithers, Burns, Lenny, Man, Hibbert, Zookeeper, Kent) - Special Guest Voice - Leeza Gibbons (Herself) - Marcia Wallace (Edna Krabappel) - Also Starring - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse, Boy) - Tress MacNeille (Neagle, Stacy, Socialite) - Karl Wiedergott (Extra Guy) ============================================================================== > Movie (and other) references ============================================================================== + the "Fifth Beatle" (catchphrase) {jk} 2 - Bart's chalkboard gag satirizes this title applied to people who helped, but weren't a part of, the Beatles [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] + "Happy Birthday" (song) {bjr} - "Happy First 'A'" sung to this tune - Discover (credit card) commercial {jg2} - a waiter dramatically announces that a man's credit card has been declined + "Physical" (song) - "Let's Get Fiscal" sign outside the financial planner building spoofs the title of this 1981 Olivia Newton-John song + "Cats" (Broadway musical) - Burns mockingly suggests a musical about the common housecat; this big hit is just that + "The King and I" (Broadway musical) {ddg} 2 - a musical about the King of Siam + "The Magic Christian" (movie) - plot of movie -- rich old man and prank-monkey son perform gags on people to show everyone has their price -- is similar - both Mr. Burns and Peter Sellers' character remark about everyone having a price {bw} - the rich man buys an expensive Rembrandt destroys it in front of a shocked art dealer, like Homer and the rare comic book ~ "Malcolm in the Middle" (TV series) {jg2} 2 - Francis ate loads of Peeps on a dare, just a week before this episode aired [Brian Beloian adds, "The Malcolm scene was a reference to Cool Hand Luke, when Luke ate 50 hard boiled eggs." -- Ed.] - [Obviously, this came out too late to influence the show, but it's an interesting coincidence -- Ed.] + James Bond (super-spy character) {ddg} 2 - the code number for the comic book was 007 [Bond's code number -- Ed.] - "Trading Places" (movie) {mp} - Winthorpe and Valentine duct taped Clarence's mouth shut and put him in the gorilla suit, but he ended up being seduced (cf. Homer and Ping-Ping) + Sing-Sing and Ling-Ling, Chinese pandas given the US in 1971 {dj} - Sim-Sim and Ping-Ping similar names ~ "King of the Hill" (TV series) {jc} - Homer gets molested by a panda bear like Hank Hill gets molested by a dolphin - "Miracle on 54th St." (movie) {dj} - a fat man is given the job as a department store Santa after a good deed - he also plays Santa in the store's parade + Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade {jk} - Costington's sponsors a similar parade in Springfield - Rusty the Clown (TV children's show host) {mr2} - could be a reference to a clown from Matt Groening's hometown of Portland named Rusty Nails, whom Krusty was based on + "Funky Winkerbean" (comic strip) - title character from the strip is a balloon at the parade + Domino's Pizza commercial {jk} - the Noid balloon based on a character in an old ad campaign of theirs [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] - "Animal House" (movie) {jg2} 2 - a parade is disrupted by pranksters in an ominous-looking float + The Cleveland Indians (baseball team) {jk} 2 - Head of Indian on float [Chief Wahoo, according to {al} -- Ed.] + "The Birds" (movie) - seagulls attack Springfield's citizens ============================================================================== > Previous episode references ============================================================================== - [7G08] Homer as Santa {sb} - [7G11] Singing Sirloin first seen - [7F07] Balloon parade {sb} - [7F21], [2F12] A valuable comic book is destroyed {jg2} - [8F06] Homer needs extra money to support the family {sb} - [9F15] computer showing what future self will look like {sb} - [1F06] There is a New Mexico? {sb} - [1F12] Smithers and Malibu Stacey {sb} - [3F01] (lice inspection) {ddg} - [3F02] Sold one's soul {sb} - [3F11] Lady in bathroom wears Chanel dress similar to Marge's {ab} - [3F14] Burns helpless at everyday tasks {bjr} - [3F14] Homer fills in for Smithers {sb} - [4F09] Bart catches Skinner and Krabappel in a compromising position {jg2} - [4F17] Lisa objects to "dirty" money from Mr. Burns {dj} - [5F07] One of the orphans appears {jg2} - [5F09] Costington's {jg2} - [AABF05] The guy who says "Yesss" in the manner of Frank Nelson appears - [AABF11] Costington's seen {bjr} - [CABF01] Panda-related food item {bjr} ============================================================================== > Freeze frame fun ============================================================================== - Solar system poster {bjr} OUR SOLAR SYSTEM [pic] [pic] [pic] MERCURY VENUS EARTH [pic] [pic] [pic] MARS JUPITER SATURN [pic] [pic] [pic] URANUS NEPTUNE PLUTO - Financial planners' office {bjr} LET'S GET FISCAL ------------------ FINANCIAL PLANNING - Carl's Word-A-Day calendar {bjr} WORD-A-DAY CALENDAR con * quer \'kAN-ker\ vb con quered; conqer ing \-k([*]-)rin'\[**] to acquire, conquer fr OF conquiere, fr. (assumed) VI conuserrese, alter of L conquirere to search for, collect NOVEMBER 10 The print on the definition is kind of fuzzy (at least with my TV and VCR); what's above is an approximation. [*] a schwa (that upside-down "e") [**] unable to determine what these characters were - The off-off-off-Broadway theater {bjr} ALBUQUERQUE THEATER MALIBU STACEY THE MUSICAL - At the doctor's office {bjr} DR. JULIUS HIBBERT, M.D. FAMILY PRACTICE - Panda exhibit banner {bjr} PANDA-MONIUM - Panda cart {bjr} PANDA CONES - Panda emcee's button {bjr} I [heart] PANDAS - Panda curtain {bjr} S H H H ! [Pandas sleeping] Pandas Need Their Sleep! - Department store sign {bjr} Costington's "Over a Century Without a Slogan" - Burns' float {bjr} Happy Pranksgiving ============================================================================== > Animation, continuity, and other goofs ============================================================================== c When Burns says, "a poor man," the closed captioning reads, "a foolish man." {bjr} + The manager of Costington's had a different voice in "Trash of the Titans." {nd2} * The timing in the parade was very off. One very easy way to notice this is the fact that Lisa says, "Pranksgiving? Uh oh," when she sees Burns's float but takes several minutes for the float to actually reaches them Simpsons. Exactly how slowly were those floats moving? {lb} ============================================================================== > Reviews ============================================================================== Steve Alpert: I liked the prank monkey idea, and I liked the complete reversal of Homer from the jerkass years. [...] The last exchange on the float seemed unwieldy, and the panda theme was too drawn-out, but overall I liked the plot. What got to me was the past episode references (even the pandas and last ep's KFP); I finally see what everyone is harping about. The obnoxious guy at the counter I wished to never appear again when I first saw him. There was one exchange (sorry, writing an essay, can't think too well) where there were several past refs all in one scene, and it made me sick. If you can't come up with new ideas, guys, stop writing the ****ing show! (B-) Wilson Banswell: This was the closet thing to a clip episode with Homer performing the same old tricks. Mr. Burns was turned from a mean, old boss to a senile, strange old man. Bad jokes and a worse plot were most annoying. Luckily beer and a Bucs victory kept me amused. (D-) A Bijanki: Well, it started off as a promising episode. However I found the whole "prank-monkey" thing far fetched. It was just too hard to believe, and while it was definitely in character for Homer and while I enjoyed the Burnsisms, overall it left me wishing they'd worked on it a bit more. The several lengthy exchanges between Homer and Mr. Burns, while peppered with funny moments, seemed very brittle and false. The episode had many good one-liners and quick scenes, but I rate the plot on the same par as the whole Max Powers one. There are some of the school that say that all a Simpsons episode needs is funny quotes, and some that maintain that a clever plot is necessary for a good ep. I feel a good episode needs both, and thus this gets a (C) Don Del Grande: B-plus -- well, it was a "high" B-plus; it had all the makings of a "low A-minus", but there were just too many dull spots (for example, the musical and the scene where Lisa tried to talk Homer into getting his dignity back), as well as a quick ending ("hey, there's Homer, it's Burns as Santa the whole time, roll the credits"). (B+) Daniel L. Dreibelbis: After the last few years where it seemed that the show had gone from heartfelt but funny to be purely zany, it's great to see the writers go back to some of the roots of what made the series great in the first place. Homer's not really a jerk in this episode, even though he initially enjoys his missions from Burns -- he even shows that he has a backbone and eventually stands up to Burns for the sake of his daughter. His generosity with Burn's money to atone for what he did was especially surprising! It's also great to see Burns return back to his level of pure malevolence after years of him being just a daffy centogenarian, and kudos to Harry Shearer for his performance as Burns gloats with sadistic glee at each of Homer's pranks and at Homer's own pain. The only thing that sort of ruins this, though, was Homer's ravishing by the panda -- was that sort of gag really necessary? (B+) Joe Green: This episode has its bright spots (the "financial panther" gag being my favorite), and I appreciated the implicit commentary on Homer's characterization. Unfortunately, for the most part it was a lackluster and uninspired effort. (C) J Hudkins: Overall I am kinda wish washy on this episode. There were some good individual jokes and funny scenes. My roommate doesn't understand most good jokes. Unfortunately the only reason I was laughing was because my retarded roommate was laughing at the idea of Homer being a monkey. It could have been worse. If I had been watching alone ... it may have resulted in a lower grade. (C-) Darrel Jones: Ewww! That episode stank worse than the fish guts! Nothing was particularly funny (though Act One was pretty good) and Mr. Burns crossed WAAY over the line from ordinary villainy to cartoonish super-villainy. The writer of this ep needs to take another English class or two. 3/10 (D-) Andrew Levine: Was this a new episode? I'm not entirely sure. Nearly all the jokes were photocopied from earlier episodes: The trap door not working, the aging software, Lenny getting something in his eye [...]. After a useful you-can-go-anywhere-from-here setup, the story fades out of existence. [...] The pacing is terrible, with Homer's pranks forming the bulk of the plot. I kept waiting for that to be over so they could get around to the real story. Homer vs. Dignity at times seems like it was edited together from a bunch of already-written scenes of Homer acting wacky which didn't fit into any other episode. There's no story, no point, no reason, no lasting impression, and very few really funny jokes (I did like Wiggum's scene) CABF04 functions more like a Turing test, where the challenge is to guess whether the show was written by a man or a machine. I'm voting for the latter. (C) Alie Molino: This episode sets up subplots that go nowhere. What about the Malibu Stacy musical? That one fellow in the audience hated it, but what about everyone else? When does Smithers get back? And what about the family's financial crisis? The "panda love" moment was much too crude, I don't really know why Mr. Burns decided to throw the fish parts himself, and although Homer made the decision to retain his dignity, I didn't see a moment of epiphany that would have made the decision make sense. Grade: (C) Chris Pfieler: (D+) Abhi Ray: This is like a current Simpsons episode turned inside out. Usually, the writers have an absolutely irrelevant, forced beginning, and a lame, madcap ending. Most of the strong material is in the middle. In this episode, the beginning is good (it's right to the point and pretty funny), and the ending is good (it's one of the nicest surprise endings since 4F04, and a good addition to Lisa/Homer bonding), but the middle is terrible. None of Homer's pranks were funny. Because of Smithers' amusing Malibu Stacy play, I'll be lenient and give this a (C-) Robin Steinmann: An utter disappointment. Although there wasn't much lack of realism and jerkass behaviour as such, it was nothing but embarrassing to see Homer in this episode. I know that is was about dignity, but the way Homer was treated in this episode was simply unwatchable. The idea to have Homer learning a lesson after a painful experience didn't work out for me in this one at all, as it was just so extremely blunt and uninspired. Definitely one of the worst scripts ever. (F) Todd Willis: This episode was mediocre. The jokes seemed recycled from past episodes, and the story wasn't too great. The first act was probably the best, and the episode went downhill from there. The ending tried to be sentimental, but failed by being too quick. I think this episode could have been a lot better if they had done a better job with the jokes. Overall, it was pretty mediocre. (C-) Yours Truly: Homer versus Dignity? Boy, there's a lopsided contest if ever I saw one. You'd expect some slap-sticky and, yes, low-brow humor in a show where Homer must perform humiliating stunts to please Mr. Burns, but this show descends too low for its own good. Plotting is also a bit off, shifting abruptly from Farrelly Brothers dumb to a morality play. Everyone stayed mainly in-character, and I liked some of the side moments like Smithers's musical. (Wish we got to see more of that!) The ending had a sense of conclusion, too. In spite of this, both Dignity and writer Rob Lazebnik take a hit in this one. (C-) AVERAGE GRADE: C (2.14) Std Dev.: 0.9946 (20 reviews computed) ============================================================================== > Comments and other observations ============================================================================== >> I am not the sixth Beatle. Or the seventh. Or the eighth ... Joe Klemm explains: The blackboard gag refers to the "fifth Beatle", a term refers to different people who were associated with the Beatles during their years as a band. Among these people include Pete Best, the drummer that played in the band before Ringo, Brian Epstein, the Beatles' manager, and Yoko Ono, John's wife and bandbreaker extrordinare. Andrew Levine tells us: Don't forget Stu Sutcliffe. "Sideshow Bob": ... and Billy Preston the Black Beatle. Daniel L. Dreibelbis: The term was actually also applied to NYC disc jockey Murray the K, who was credited with giving the Beatles their first big break on America's airwaves. There was even a joke when Murray died Q: what do they call Murray The K in Heaven? A: The Second Beatle. Speaking of Murray the K, Dean Humphries writes: I believe that the blackboard was referring to Murray the K, infamous for being the *fifth* Beatle. At the time of the Beatles first arrival in America, Murray met them at the airport and basically tried to never leave their side. They weren't too happy about it, cracked some jokes his way, but realized that he was promoting the band. During this time, Murray worked for pop music top-ten AM station WMCA, and his show was called "Murray the K's Swinging Soiree" and he was known for playing *submarine race music* (i.e. make-out music). Back then, there weren't any *oldies* to play and they basically repeated the same ten to twenty songs over and over, even to the point of having "Instant Replays" and repeating a particular song right after it ended. As the boomers grew up, so did Murray along with them, and was the New York areas first *head* DJ (meaning: spinning songs by bands like the Jefferson Airplane, The Byrds, The Who and was one of the first to break the Iron Butterfly's "In- A-Gadda-Da-Vida," a song well-known by Simpsons fans). No matter what he did, the tag of "Fifth Beatle" followed him to his death, when he died of cancer at the end of the eighties. >> Musical References Andrew Levine: "La Bamba" (traditional song, most famously recorded by Ritchie Valens in 1958 and Los Lobos in 1988) -- Sung by Homer at the restaurant. "Spanish Eyes" by Bert Kaempfert -- Also sung by Homer. Adam Long adds: I thought Homer's "passionate" singing was pretty funny. For one, he actually sounded *good*. The writers could have easily had him sounding obnoxious thinking "he sounds bad, he thinks he sounds good, but he's really annoying -- that's funny, right?", but they didn't, plus the rest of the family just looked so dismal in contrast. >> So when's that King of Siam musical? Daniel L. Dreibelbis writes: What hath Andrew Lloyd Weber wrought? Seems in the past many Broadway musicals had somewhat plausible and enjoyable plots, but lately it seems they're making them out of the thinnest of ideas or the most crass commercial vehicles in order to make money. Warner Brothers is even talking about a musical about Batman (the very idea of which was beautifully skewered on an episode of Batman Beyond a few weeks ago). Loved the response of the guy in the audience to Smithers' Malibu Stacy musical -- "this is better than a movie -- how?" ["Why," actually -- Ed.] >> Car Watch: Live on Stage Benjamin Robinson writes: Smithers and the actress playing Malibu Stacey sit on the hood of a Corvette for their duet. Here in the real world, Mattel does (or did) make a pink Barbie Corvette, which probably influenced their choice of car. >> If only the real chicks ... well, you get the idea Daniel L. Dreibelbis: "Peeps" [are] a marshmallow confection covered with coloured sugar, these candies are usually sold around Eastertime in the form of yellow chicks or pink bunnies, the latter of was what the Comic Book Guy was scarfing down. They were great when we were kids, but are somewhat nauseatingly sweet to adults -- unless you're looking for a sugar buzz, and Peeps are also noted to be especially cheap. >> "The Amazingly Expensive Spider-Man!" Daniel L. Dreibelbis: Spider-Man, one of Marvel Comics' most famous super- heroes, the trials and tribulations of one Peter Parker after being bitten by a radioactive spider was an example of what Smilin' Stan Lee revolutionized the world of comics with in the 1960s -- superheroes with human problems that even their super powers can't solve. BTW, the cover of that first issue of "Marvel Tales" (issued in 1960) was very accurately drawn in the episode, and a pristine copy of that issue will fetch quite a lot of money. >> Mens' room, schmens' room Don Del Grande: The "joke" about a woman entering the men's room is a reference to quite a number of stadiums and theaters in the USA having longer lines for the women's rooms than the men's rooms, mainly because they're the same size but the men's rooms have a wall of urinals where they can't fit an extra line of toilets, so more men can, well, "relieve themselves" at the same time than women can. >> Maybe Viagra would help? Benjamin Robinson: Pandas may be cute and lovable, but they're also endangered. In the hopes of keeping the species from dying out, zookeepers around the world have attempted to breed them in captivity. That's proving to be easier said than done. Apparently, the captive pandas haven't caught on to the fact that there aren't very many dating prospects left, and have been reluctant to breed. In America, two pandas lived side by side for years, largely ignoring one another, much to the distress of zoo officials, who had high hopes of helping China preserve her natural resources. (Yes, the zookeepers did make sure that they had one of each sex. And that neither of them was just a fat, bald guy in a panda suit.) Andrew Krupowicz: That's what they want us to believe ... >> Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Daniel L. Dreibelbis explains this holiday tradition: It [the parade] has become a tradition in New York City every Thanksgiving (to those outside of the US, every final Thursday in November) to hold a parade through its streets. Sponsored by the large department store chain Macy's, its features include brightly coloured floats and giant helium balloons in the shape of famous cartoon characters, including Bullwinkle and Underdog -- and, in the last few years, of one Bartholomew J. Simpson. >> Springfield's Lame Balloons Daniel L. Dreibelbis explains Funky Winkerbean: "Funky Winkerbean" [is] a comic strip drawn by Tom Batiuk that dealt with a teenager named Funky, his friends Les and Crazy, and the faculty at the high school he attends. Somewhat sporadically funny, except for Mr. Dinkle the band instructor, who's freaking hilarious! Batiuk (who also draws the comic strip "Crankshaft") once complained a number of years ago that nobody had ever approached him about licensing his character for T-shirts and coffee mugs, which makes the appearance of the Funky balloon even funnier. Dan Reese: I think calling it a "comic" strip is stretching it. I think it's more in the soap opera category with Apt. 3G, etc. It's drawn like a normal comic, though. Meanwhile, Joe Klemm tells us who the Noid is: The Noid, of "Avoid the Noid" fame, is a rabbit-like being that appeared in Domino's Pizza ads during the late 1980's. The character usually is against Domino's Pizza and tries to destroy it, with him failing almost every time. This character eventually upset a person whose last name happens to be Noid, and he ended up trying to sue them for libel. Daniel L. Dreibelbis adds: The Noid [...] destroy pizzas with devices straight out of the Acme catalogue -- and having same devices blow up in his face when applied to a Domino's pizza. His three main claims to fame were a computer game, "Avoid The Noid", that was actually fun to play, the commercials were one of the first done by Bill Vinton's Claymation company, and that a wacko named Arthur Noid, who was convinced that the commercials were about him, held two Domino's employees at gunpoint in their shop before he surrendered to police (and eating a pizza prepared for him by his hostages). >> Fun with promotions Mike Reed was nice enough to transcribe the promotional trailer for tonight's show: Announcer: The Simpsons go broke! (shot of Neagle turning around the computer to show Homer and Marge) Marge: When did we become the bottom rung of society? (Bart and Lisa riding where the backseat used to be) Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos. Announcer: How low will they go? Waiter: Sir, your credit card has been rejected. Homer: So, we can't pay? What are you gonna do about it? (The Simpsons sing "La Bamba") >> Fun with audio Benjamin Robinson: For all the claims about how each episode of "The Simpsons" must be planned months in advance, the producers can do a surprising amount of last-minute tweaking. Radio ads for the show played an audio clip of Homer saying that he either had to ask Burns for a raise, "or kidnap one of the Backstreet Boys -- something to make my kids proud." By the time the show aired, this line had become, "or a highly paid internship -- something to solve my money woes." It's possible that the radio line was invented after the show was in the can, but that feels like bait-and-switch to me, especially since the promo version was funnier. That's not all. People who left their closed captioning on heard the normal closing credit music, but saw this: Silver chum, Silver chum, It's Fish-mas time in the city. (laughing gleefully) Perhaps this had to be dropped at the last minute because the copyright holder to "Silver Bells" wouldn't allow the use of the melody. Andrew Levine adds: Interestingly, they did use the copyrighted melody to "Happy Birthday" at the beginning of the episode. The copyright for "Silver Bells," incidentally, is held by Paramount Music Corporation. "Happy Birthday," of course, is owned by the estate of Mildred and Patty Hill. >> Miscellaneous, Etc. The Chad Lehman alterna-title for this episode is: There's No Disgrace Like Homer Don Del Grande: For those of you outside of the USA: most bank accounts do not have "overdrafts" -- if your balance reaches zero, you can't withdraw any more money, and you can't write a check for more than you have. Jeremy Steinberg, answering the question "When was Lenny a war hero", writes: He was a war hero during the war. I think it's pretty obvious. ============================================================================== > Quotes and Scene Summary {bjr} ============================================================================== % The Simpsons are all decked out in their Sunday finest, and eating % dinner at Springfield's posh "occasion" restaurant, The Singing % Sirloin. Tonight's occasion is truly special: Bart has received an % "A" in school. He's wearing a crown with an "A" motif while waiters % serenade him with "Happy First 'A'" (sung to the tune of "Happy % Birthday"). Now that our son is an honor student, I'm going to get one of those bumper stickers that informs strangers of that fact. -- Marge Simpson, "Homer vs. Dignity" % Lisa gripes a bit about the lack of recognition, but Homer continues % to shower attention on his son. Marge: An "A" in astronomy! How'd you do it? Bart: I just buckled down and studied. Homer: [laughs] No, really. Bart: Well, it all started last week in Krabappel's class. [dissolve to Krabappel's classroom. Bart stands alone, at a couple of animal cages in the back of the room] [voice-over] I was trying to breed the hamster with the lizard to create an unholy supercreature, when I saw an even worse crime against nature. [Skinner and Krabappel enter the room, kissing. Bart hides in the coat closet] Skinner: Ah, head lice inspection day. While the kids are out getting their nits picked, we can have our own private cootie call. Krabappel: Oh, you talk too much. Let's do it on Martin's desk. Skinner: It is usually the cleanest. [brushes a pencil off the desk] Bart: [voice-over] I needed to get my mind on something else -- anything else. And for the first time in my life, education was the answer. [notices a chart of the Solar System on the wall] Mercury ... Venus ... Earth ... Mars ... Skinner: [offscreen] C'mon Edna, don't be tardy! Bart: Mercury ... Venus ... Earth ... Mars ... Jupiter ... Saturn ... Uranus ... Neptune ... Pluto. [back to the present] So when I took the test, the answers were stuck in my brain. It was like a whole different kind of cheating! Marge: Well, we couldn't be prouder. -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % That feeling of pride isn't about to last long. A waiter appears % and informs Homer that his credit card has been declined. Homer % stalls for a few seconds, then throws a fistful of equally worthless % credit cards in the waiter's face. The Simpsons bolt for the door, % but the hostess manages to stop their escape attempt. % % To work off their debt, the family is put to work as a Latin band, % singing "La Bamba." The Maitre D' praises their technical % proficiency, but says the singing lacks passion. In response, Homer % launches into a passionate rendition of "Spanish Eyes." % % Finally, the restaurant closes for the night, and the Simpsons are % sent on their way. Marge: When did this happen? When did we become the bottom rung of society? Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos. Lisa: Dad, what happened to the back seat? [camera shifts to reveal that the back seat and rear floor are missing. Bart and Lisa stand precariously on the chassis rails] Homer: I had to sell it for gas money. [the car sputters to a stop] Which I spent on a novelty horn. [bangs his head on the steering wheel, which triggers a horn that plays "Charge!"] Marge: Homer, we need to talk to a financial planner. Homer: Financial panther, eh? [imagines himself standing in a bank lobby with an officious banker] Banker: Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn. Homer: Get him, Sheba! [a panther leaps onscreen and mauls the banker] [back to reality] I'm on board. -- When Sheba talks, people listen, "Homer vs. Dignity" % Homer and Marge pay a visit to Let's Get Fiscal, a financial- % planning firm. Planner: You haven't set aside anything for the future. Wiggum: Ah, you know how it is with cops. I'll get shot three days before retirement. In the business, we call it, "retirony." Planner: What if you don't get shot? Wiggum: What a terrible thing to say. [Sarah begins to cry] Now look, you've made my wife cry. -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % Meanwhile, Lindsay Neagle assesses the Simpsons' financial standing. Neagle: Well, I see you have several mortgages, credit card debt, no savings, and you're supporting your father? Homer: Just give the word, and I'll cut him off. Neagle: I couldn't ask you to do that. Homer: Consider it done. Neagle: Based on these figures, I'm afraid you'll need to declare bankruptcy ... several times. Just look at this projection. [shows Homer and Marge a computerized picture of the family. As happy music plays, they get older, and poorer. Finally, they are stooped-over, worn-out bums] Homer: [gasps] Marge, your posture looks terrible! Neagle: What's interesting is, you'll continue losing money even after you're dead. Your gravesites will go untended and vandalized. [a computerized (aged) Nelson knocks over Homer's headstone, laughs, and then coughs] Mr. Simpson, your intelligence profile indicates that you're too "stupid" to stick to a budget. Homer: Yes, go on. Neagle: So let me put this simply. You need more money. Homer: How do I get it? Neagle: I'm a financial *planner*, not a financial *consultant.* Homer: Sorry. Neagle: Now, I'd like my fee, please. [Homer scribbles something on a piece of paper, hands it to Ms. Neagle, and grunts] [reads the paper, and looks up] I know you're not a deaf- mute, Mr. Simpson; we've been talking for the last twenty minutes. [Homer throws a fistful of credit cards at Ms. Neagle, grabs Marge, and runs away.] -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % At the power plant, Smithers approaches Mr. Burns. Smithers: Sir, I have a small personal request. Burns: Oh, of course, Smithers. Anything. [repeatedly pushes a button marked, "Trap Door"] Smithers: I disabled the button, sir. [Burns keeps pushing it] Anyway, I need some time off. As you know, I've been writing a musical about the Malibu Stacy doll-- Burns: [gives up on the button] A show about a doll? [laughs] Why not write a musical about the common cat? Or the King of Siam? Give it up, Smithers. Smithers: Actually, sir, we're booked into a small theater in New Mexico. Burns: Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There's a *New* Mexico? -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % Smithers tells his boss that he'll be gone for a week. Burns % approves the time off, saying that he can amuse himself. To prove % his point, he pulls out a novelty pistol that ejects a flag with % "Bang!" printed on it. He fires it at Smithers, and (after a bit of % fidgeting) the flagpole pops out and sticks in Smithers's chest. % % Burns takes advantage of his underling's presence to explore the % power plant, looking for some fun. He spots a candy machine, but it % doesn't fulfil his verbal request for toffee. % % In the cafeteria, Homer fortifies his courage with some beer. He % tells his lunch mates, Lenny and Carl, that he will ask Burns for a % raise. The opportunity comes sooner than he expects when Burns % discovers the cafeteria and walks in. % % Burns tries to get something from the salad bar, but is stymied by % the sneeze guard. Burns: What is this? Some kind of force field around these vegetables. Homer: That's the sneeze guard. You have to lean under it to get salad and to sneeze on stuff. [pushes Burns's head under the glass, and leans under there himself] Burns: Ah, everything's so green and alive. [picks up some vegetable and sniffs. The greens immediately shrivel and turn brown] Homer: Mr. Burns, I was wondering if I could get a raise? [the two men stand up again] Burns: What kind of a raise? Homer: [weakly] Whopping? Burns: I see. You have thirty seconds to wow me. Homer: Well, sir, you see sir, I've worked here a long time, and my wife has a game leg, and my kids have game things as well. Burns: I don't want to hear your whining. I'm a bored and joyless old man. Give me a larf! Homer: A larf? Okay, let's see what's in the news today. Burns: Oh, for the love of ... [picks up a small bowl of pudding] [to Homer] Hurl this ... [points to Lenny] ... at that! Homer: At Lenny? But he's a war hero. Burns: Well, let's decorate him, then. Homer: No! Burns: Not even for four dollars? [holds up the cash] [Homer throws the pudding, which strikes Lenny square in the face] Lenny: Ow! My eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it. Burns: [laughs] That was capital! My lung is aching. Homer: I liked when I threw the pudding. Burns: Do it again. I'll make it an even eight. [holds up some more bills] Homer: You're the boss. [throws another serving of pudding, which again hits Lenny] Lenny: Ow! I'm in Hell! [Burns and Homer laugh] Burns: Let's keep the laughs coming, eh, Simpson? Let's say I make you my Executive in Charge of Recreation -- no, no, better yet, my Prank Monkey. Homer: Will you keep giving me money? Burns: I can't have my little monkey running around in rags. Homer: Woo hoo! -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % In delight, Homer lobs a pudding at Carl. Burns is *not* amused by % this, and helps Carl to the eyewash station. But despite the % inauspicious start, Homer remains on duty as Burns's Prank Monkey. % % [End of Act One. Time: 7:57] % % Homer and Burns prowl the streets of Springfield, looking % opportunities to play pranks on people. They spot Comic Book Guy in % his store, wolfing down marshmallow Peeps. ("If only the real % chicks went down this easy," CBG laments, to no one in particular.) % Burns decides this is a great chance to stir up some mischief. He % dispatches Homer to the store, along with a briefcase. Homer: I'd like to buy a mint condition "Spider-Man #1," please. CBG: I'd like an hour on the holodeck with Seven of Nine. [Homer puts the briefcase on the counter and opens it. It is stuffed full of money] Oh, Saturn's rings! Let me get that for you. [with a dramatic flourish, CBG enters a combination into a keypad under the counter. A tube rises up, containing a copy of the first "Spider-Man" comic. It has a price tag of $20,000. CBG carefully plucks it out with a pair of tweezers and presents it to Homer] Paper bag, or triple mylar? Homer: Eh, no thanks. I'll just eat it here. [rips a page out of the book and eats it] CBG: Oh, oh, no! What are you doing? [Homer continues to eat. CBG collapses to the floor, crying. Nonchalant, Homer finishes the comic book, helps himself to a Peep, and rejoins Burns in front of the store] Burns: That was uproarious. First-rate job, monkey. -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % Homer asks for his fee, and Burns amuses himself further by tossing % a fistful of cash at him. As Homer grovels on the ground to gather % the scattered bills, a bicyclist runs over him. Burns declares % Homer much more fun than Smithers. % % Hey, speaking of Smithers, how's his play going? The scene cuts to % a theater in Albuquerque. On the stage is a life-size Malibu Stacy % Corvette. Smithers and an actress playing Stacy are sitting on the % hood, in the stiff-limbed manner of girls' dolls. The music comes % up, and Smithers begins to sing. Smithers: Sold separately, Sometimes I feel like I've been Sold separately. But out of the box I find you poseable ... [turns to Stacy] Stacy: Loveable ... [turns to Smithers] Both: Just ... like ... me. [cut to a bored man in the audience, and his wife] Man: This is better than a movie ... why? -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % For their next prank, Burns and Homer hide out in the men's room at % Springfield Stadium. When the time is right, Burns shoves Homer, % who is wearing only a giant diaper, onto the crowded bathroom floor. % The men's room patrons are horrified -- as is a rich woman socialite % who just popped in because the women's room had a line. Burns % delights in the chaos he has caused, and passes Homer some money. % % Later, the family is at Dr. Hibbert's office. Hibbert: [after giving Bart a shot] There, that's six years' worth of inoculations. Homer: [hands Hibbert a roll of money] There you are, my good man. And while you're at it, throw in one of those polio shots. Hibbert: Ooh, yes, sir. [picks up a hypodermic needle] Homer: Eh -- anti-polio. [Hibbert picks up a bigger needle] Marge: Where did you get that ball of money? Homer: I've been doing some outside projects for Mr. Burns. Marge: Really? Like what? Homer: Ah, you know, business stuff -- downsizing, e- solutions, the glass ceiling ... Marge: Oh. Well, I'm proud of you. [hugs Homer] You're such a good provider. Kids, come on, thank your father for the injections. Bart & Lisa: [grudgingly, while rubbing their arms] Thank you, Dad. -- Maybe being poor wasn't such a bad thing, "Homer vs. Dignity" % The scene shifts to the Springfield Zoo, which is ballyhooing its % new panda exhibit. The bears have drawn a large crowd of the % curious, who also buy panda-related souvenirs. Milhouse: Hey, Dad, can I have some money for a panda cone? Kirk: Gah -- what do you do with the $68 I send your mother every month? Milhouse: Weekday dad wanted a DVD player. -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % Behind the panda exhibit, Burns prepares Homer for his latest stunt. % The Prank Monkey is dressed in a panda suit. Burns gleefully % anticipates the look on the town's faces when they find out their % beloved panda is just a fat guy in disguise. Homer asks why he has % to do the Lindy Hop, and Burns assures him that's the heart of the % bit. Then he helps Homer put on the big panda head, completing the % costume. % % The zookeeper presents the new panda to the town. Zookeeper: Now courtesy of an anonymous donor, please welcome our new panda, Sim-Sim. [audience cheers as Burns shoves Homer onstage] Don't be shy. That-a-girl. Oh, I think she's getting ready to ... [Homer starts dancing] Yes, she's doing the Lindy Hop. Burns: That's it. Twenty-three skidoo. Twenty-four, twenty-five skidoo. Zookeeper: Well, it looks like Sim-Sim is a little frisky today, so our trainers are going to calm her down. [two animal handlers appear, holding what look like cattle prods. They begin zapping Homer] Don't worry, folks. Because of their thick, thick hides, pandas only feel the slightest tickle from these powerful electric shocks. [Homer screams in pain, but his cries are muffled by the panda costume] Handler: Oh, she's saying, "I love you." [audience cheers] Homer: [while getting shocked] Can't ... take the ... pain ... ow! Aagh! [collapses. Smoke pours out of the costumes eye-holes] Ralph: Sim-Sim likes to boogie. Lisa: Something's wrong. Terribly wrong. -- You think? "Homer vs. Dignity" % A male panda -- a *real* male panda -- lumbers into the panda pit. Zookeeper: Hey, there's our resident bull panda, Ping-Ping. With any luck, folks, these two will become very, very close, if you know what I mean. [Ping-Ping sniffs, and approaches Homer] Homer: Huh? Help! Mr. Burns! [Burns laughs] [Homer gets up and tries to run away, but he trips and lands on a boulder, with his butt sticking up in the air] Zookeeper: Ooh, look -- she's presenting! We thought this would take years to happen. [Ping-Ping grabs Homer and drags him closer. A curtain descends on the bizarre tableau] Ping-Ping just asked Sim-Sim to marry him, and I think she just said yes. Audience: Aw. [claps] [sounds of a struggle come from behind the curtain. Homer tries to crawl out, but only gets halfway before Ping-Ping drags him back inside] Moe: Ha! You ain't going nowhere, cutie. -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % The amorous panda noises continue. % % The morning after finds Sim-Sim, er, Homer in Ping-Ping's arms. % Homer wakes up and gingerly makes his way to the fence. He tries to % climb over, but his foot gets stuck as he climbs over, suspending % him upside-down. It gets worse -- the panda exhibit is right next % door to the skunk cage. Several of the critters walk up and spray % him in the face. This is where his daughter finds him. % % [End of Act Two. Time: 13:53] % % Homer has shed his panda suit, and is wearing his underwear and a % beige blanket. He and Lisa sit on a park bench and as Lisa tends to % his wounds, he confesses that his new job for Burns requires that he % perform self-degrading stunts for cash. As he cries at his % situation, Lisa tells him that it's time to stop. Just then, Mr. % Burns walks up. Burns: Well done, monkey. That other panda gave some unexpected zazz to the festivities, eh? Homer: Maybe for you. How come you didn't rescue me? Burns: [laughs] Too busy trying to keep my sides from splitting. It's happened before. [laughs some more] Monty say, Monkey do -- what could be better? Homer: Well, you could treat me with a little respect. Burns: Oh, shut up you tub of guts. Homer: See? That's what I'm saying. Burns: Well, a little dough-re-me will smooth this over. [takes some money from his pocket] Lisa: He doesn't want your dirty money. Burns: Oh, come now. Everyone has his price. Lisa: Not my Dad. Homer: Shh, shh -- the grown-ups are talking, honey. Lisa: Dad, how can you put a price on your dignity. Homer: She's right. Yes, I may be naked and reeking of panda love, but I've got to stop this before it goes too far. Burns: Take that back, for [counts money] $903. Homer: I retract my statement. [Burns shoves money into Homer's mouth] Lisa: Da-a-d. Homer: I mean, screw you! Burns: Well, well. It looks like my monkey has evolved into a man -- a poor man. [walks off] Homer: Wha? Oh, why did he have to say that extra thing? -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % Homer may have his dignity, but now he has another problem. Homer: What should I do with all this dirty, ill-gotten money? I'd better throw it in the garbage. Lisa: Well, there's lots of needy kids out there. Homer: I see what you're saying. I need to buy a gun! -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % We've already done the gun plot, and the Christmas holiday season is % approaching, so Lisa suggests donating it to the needy. Homer % thinks that's a dandy idea, and marches off to rebuild his self- % esteem. His dignity takes another blow when his underwear catches % on a nail in the bench and tears away, leaving him naked. The % socialite happens by and faints at the sight. % % Later, Homer (dressed) goes to Costington's with a basket of money % to buy toys. His charity is reported to upper management, and Homer % is invited to meet Mr. Costington himself. Costington: Why, I don't think I've ever seen such generosity. You're a modern-day Kris Kringle, sir. Homer: I'm just trying to dig myself out of a pit of shame. Costington: Say no more. I've had a bit of a shoe-sniffing problem myself. I'm still not allowed on the third floor. Homer: That's okay. [they hug each other] Costington: Mr. Simpson, I just had a crazy thought. We do a little Thanksgiving Day parade, and you're about the right build for a little fellow they call Kris Kringle. -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % Marge fits Homer for his Santa suit. Marge: Hold still. Lisa: I'm so proud. My father will be the grand finale of the Thanksgiving Day parade. Bart: Wanna rehearse, Dad? Homer: I don't need to rehearse. Ho, ho, ho! Merry ... line? Bart: Christmas. Homer: Wha? Lemme see that. -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % Thanks to global warming, Springfield is graced with a sunny 80- % degree (F) day for its parade. Kent Brockman and Leeza Gibbons host % the parade for television. % % Giant character balloons á la the Macy's parade, float by. Bart is % unimpressed. Bart: [looking at a clown balloon] *Rusty* the Clown? Aw, Springfield gets the lamest balloons. Marge: Are you kidding? There's Funky Winkerbean. [points his balloon out] Over here, Funky! [points again] Oh, look, it's a Noid! Avoid the Noid -- he ruins pizzas. -- Parades, too, "Homer vs. Dignity" % The parade continues. Boy: Hey lady, Santa Claus is going to be here, right? He just has to. Lisa: [pats him on the shoulder] Something tells me he is. Boy: Don't touch me! Nothing gives you that right! -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % The next float is a giant pen-and-pencil set made of gingerbread. % After that, it's Homer's turn to shine as Santa Claus. He happily % tosses presents to the children along the parade route, shouting, % "Merry Everyone!" (Perhaps he should have done a bit more % rehearsing, after all.) % % An float shaped like a pirate ship pulls alongside Homer's Santa % sleigh. Lisa immediately notices the float has "Happy Pranksgiving" % lettered on the side. Sure enough, Burns captains this new float. % He boards Homer's sleigh. Homer: What are you doing here? I told you I'm not your monkey anymore. Burns: Silence, Monkey. Now that you're Father Christmas, we have an opportunity to bend this town over our knee and give it a pranking it will never forget. Here's what we do -- [whispers in Homer's ear] Homer: [gasps] -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % Kent and Leeza continue their commentary: Kent: Here's a float saluting the Native Americans, who taught us how to celebrate Thanksgiving. Leeza: Interesting side note on this float: The papier-mâché is composed entirely of broken treaties. Kent: [laughs good-naturedly] They're good sports. -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % Burns continues to convince Homer to carry out his plan. Homer: The answer is "no," Mr. Burns -- Not for any amount of money. Burns: [shows Homer a bag full of money] Not for one million dollars? Homer: [gasps] Oh, so much money. [looks at the happy kids on the sidewalk] But Santa can't be evil. But it's so much money ... -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % The Santa float passes by the reviewing stand. Leeza: And here's the float everyone's been waiting for. Kent: Yes, whether you're Christian, or just non-Jewish, everybody loves Santa Claus. [Santa stands on the float, throwing an salmon-colored substance from a bucket] Oh, he was supposed to be throwing out toys, but he seems to be hurling some sort of candy treats, Leeza. Leeza: Wait a minute, Kent. That is not candy. That's fish guts. -- Fish guts, fish guts, roly-poly fish guts, "Homer vs. Dignity" % It is indeed -- buckets of guts, including a selection of heads as a % bonus. Everyone gets a helping of the slimy goop -- including the % little boy who so eagerly awaited Santa. Lenny removes his eye % patch to get a better look at Santa, and naturally gets a load of % guts in the face. And then the seagulls attack ... % % Lisa watches as the parade goes horribly wrong. Lisa: [disappointed] Oh, Dad. You sold your soul. Homer: Not yet, honey. Lisa: Dad! But if you're here, who's that on the float? [cut to said float. We see that it's Mr. Burns in the Santa costume] Burns: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Fish-mas! [throws out more buckets of fish guts] Marge: What's going on? Homer: Let's just say Lisa gave me an early Christmas present: The gift of dignity. [a bucketful of fish guts lands on the dignified family] -- "Homer vs. Dignity" % [End of Act Three. Time: 19:59] % % Normal end-credit music. The Gracie Sound is Homer saying, "Baby % made a boom-boom." ============================================================================== > Contributors ============================================================================== {ab} A Bijanki {al} Andrew Levine {bg} Bruce Gomes {bjr} Benjamin Robinson {bm} Bill McNeal {bw} Betsy Williams {ddg} Don Del Grande {dj} Darrel Jones {jc} Jeff Cross {jg2} Joe Green {jk} Joe Klemm {lb} Lance Barasch {mp} Melody Petrick {mr2} Mike Reed {nd2} Nathan Doshier {sb} Stephen Burks ============================================================================== > Legal Mumbo Jumbo ============================================================================== This episode capsule is Copyright 2003 Benjamin Robinson. It is not to be redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current maintainer (capsules@snpp.com). All quoted material and episode summaries remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox. All other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors. The Quote and Scene Summary itself is Copyright 2002 Benjamin Robinson. This capsule has been brought to you by Costington's Department Store -- that thing downtown that's open. This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie, Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are today.